Facebook - Jealous or something else?
I have a SD5, been in her life since she was 16 months old, I also have 2 children of own who are 8y+. My fiancé and I have been together 4 years. I've posted on here before about my SD5. She has always been a brat and nothing has changed only gotten worse, she is now a manipulative brat. She has now learned how to be nice to me and my kids in front of daddy's face but manipulate everything she wants from him in an evil way. In the beginning, I was constantly trying to please SD5 and take care of her and win her acceptance and now I could give a damn and can't wait for the weekends when she is with her mom and dread when she is coming home. EVERYTHING is always about her and he chooses not to see it. He has always been over protective and a hoover parent with her. I am definitely in a constant battle of mini wife syndrome with him and her. He has called me jealous many a times. We go to a restaurant, she will sit with him or on him and gets his full attention, we go out anywhere, she holds his hand, he opens and closes her car door (he only does this for her and she is perfectly capable of doing this on her own and does it with me), at home they cuddle on the couch together, he carries her stuff for her, treats her like she is privileged in a sense. She knows how to use him and get things whenever she wants. She has to have his constant attention and be on top of him all the time. On the one night a week my children are with their dad, I am basically left alone while they spend time together. I don't even attempt to hangout with them because I feel like a 3rd wheel. I don't get him until she goes to bed or she is gone with her mom. My kids also feel this way, SD5 is the most important person in the house and is perfect (not joking). I am so frustrated with the entire thing and he doesn't see any problem with it so who knows where we will end up. Bottom line is, she is a brat and I could care less if she wants anything to do with me, I want her far away from me. I'm done with her. I have brought these things up to him it's always that I'm jealous.
So now that I am done venting, my question is about Facebook. I looked back on his FB when my fiancé was with his daughter's mom. They were together a short time off and on the entire time they were together. He would post pictures of them together, constant I love yous back and forth to each other, he posted about his girls all the time and basically about how much he loves the ex and daughter. There is none of that with me, he almost posts nothing besides what I tag him in and I have stopped doing that, he never takes a picture of us or my kids. His posts are random things about himself or updates on the SD and pictures of his SD. You would never know by looking at his page that we are a part of his life or important to him. When I asked him about it he says again that I'm jealous (of his ex and my SD) and that it's just FB and his family wants to see pictures of his daughter. I'm sorry, but your family cares about what you care about and to me, that shows an obvious lack of care about me and my children. I get its just FB but from my page it is clear to see everyone in my family including my SD. I don't favor anyone. I shout out every one of my kids on their birthday including my SD, even though I can't stand her. I post pictures of our family and us, because that is what is important to me.
Bottom line I don't feel special to him and I do believe the wife should be put first in the family, than the children next. I am just so tired of all this. I feel like his ex was so important and I can't compare. Why don't I get to be put on a pedestal. Am I over reacting? I shouldn't have to feel like I am constantly competing for his attention or affection or to be special to him and I defiantly think I need to be put first, but I am not going to force him and shouldn't. It's gotten to the point that I have pulled away so much I don't give me SD any attention or time of day and that when it's finally my time with my fiancé, I have no desire for it and he gets upset because I don't want to be intimate with him. I'm so tired... Advice?
I so agree. Just thinking
I so agree. Just thinking about living like this gives me anxiety. He'd be better off as a single dad, and you'd be better off with someone who treats you the way you want to be treated.
The holding the hand isn't'
The holding the hand isn't' the issue, the issue is I get the leftovers after being ignored most of the day. Or that I literally have to fight to hold his hand.
It has always been this way. There is nothing to protect her from. She is well cared for.
Then why would you marry him?
Then why would you marry him? And make your kids feel like they're second rate citizens in their own home? Personally, I'd rather be alone.
She is with us 5 nights a
She is with us 5 nights a week, there is not a lack of time with him.
I still believe the wife should come first, not second. The child will leave the home.
You are speaking from the voice of the child.
I disagree. She comes first
I disagree. She comes first before everyone in the house? Nope.
The mother and father come first, than the kids. If the mother and father don't put themselves first to take care of themselves and their relationship, they can't parent. Kids next.
I have been taking care my SD
I have been taking care my SD since she was 16 months old. My fiancé and I both give her love, feed her, bathe her, transport her, enroll her in school and are active her in her school, take her to the dr and dentist, provide her health insurance for her, pay for all her needs and wants, teach her things. Him and I do that TOGETHER for all three kids, WE are the PARENTS and I am her mother, step mother maybe, but I do more for her than her bio mom and there is no reason to downgrade my role. She is with us 5 nights a week and the 2 days she is with her bio mom, the mom has the grandparents or other family caring for her half the time.
I think it's sad so many people think a household should be divided because it's blended. It shouldn't be that way. The parents should work together as a team and no one child should be put before everyone in the household.
I think half of it is because
I think half of it is because she's 5, and very insecure. She's visiting without her mother, her main caretaker, she doesn't see her dad often, misses him, probably feels out of place, have a little empathy. The other half is just plain brat, because your DH is not setting boundaries with her. I dealt with this with my DH, I probably waited until SD was 9 or 10, it didn't get better. I told DH I refused to go out in public with his daughter, she was constantly trying to make me feel like a second wheel, we had younger kids together, and I told him that he was way too immersed in his daughter to help me out with them, so I'd rather just go alone. And I did. Now on the rare occasions SD comes out with us, she amazingly she can move beyond 2 feet from DH.
I stopped caring what SD does in our home, so long as it's not affecting me or my children, if it is, I politely tell her to knock it off, if it escalates I get DH involved, if he doesn't back me up (which hasn't happened yet), that might be the day I leave them to each other. If she leaves a mess, either she picks it up or DH does it.
So, I don't care if she doesn't do her homework, I don't care if she's eating candy all day, I don't care if she's on the TV for 12 hours a day... I bought her a TV for her room just so it's not happening in our living room.
If she's acting annoying, following DH around, asking dumb questions, taking my place on the couch, trying to monopolize his attention, I take the cue, and leave the house with my kids in tow. Often on Fridays pick up I try not to be around, I take my kids out to eat and do errands, and that way she and her dad can have some alone time (which I think helps with these behaviors in general, and it's a small sacrifice for peace in our home during the coming week).
Stop putting your DH on a pedestal, stop imagining a happy family, you are 2 families living under one roof, his and yours. Stop expecting him to give a cent about your kids (he may feel the same way about your kids as the way you feel about his).
And unfortunately, I don't think your DH has staying power, I think it's crazy he's refusing to take down pictures of his ex on facebook. Maybe he's not "in love" with you? I don't get it. My DH took pics of his ex down long before I met him. Based on this alone, I'd start getting your finances, and whatever else ready to exit this marriage. Start placing your kids in the #1 pedestal spot, start to question how they feel about all this, because they're going to be around for the long run.
Once you've got your crap together and can let him go, give him the ultimatum, and tell him that he needs to decide who he is married to. That may mean the end of your marriage, I can live with SD being #1 at times in our marriage, she was here first, and has needs that I don't recognize, or care about, and DH is her father, and he does, however, I could not live in the shadow of his ex.
Thank you for that and
Thank you for that and addressing the full spectrum of the situation. She is with us 5 nights a week and her dad and I are her main caretakers. My kids have activities after school two nights a week while my SD is with us, so they always have alone time every week. I honestly think SD feels resentment towards me because I do the motherly duties for her so much.
Just a note, my kids feel like SD is put before everyone in the house as well. I never neglect my kids because of him. I make sure that all the kids are treated equally and taken care of.
You do sound tired and
You do sound tired and frustrated. The fact that you're complaining that it's always been that way, and she's just FIVE, that means most of the time these things were happening, the girl was a TODDLER, and surely you wouldn't suggest she wouldn't need to hold her dad's hand, get frequent love, attention and care during waking hours as a toddler? Five is still REALLY young. I'm sure I opened and closed car doors for my boys when they were 5. My youngest is 8 now, and I believe I still shut the door for him when I'm helping him into his booster seat. This really reads like jealousy over the amount of attention she's getting.
BUT, having said that, I have to wonder if what you're feeling about the situation with the DD is not compounded by a lack of love/care from your fiancé across the board, as evidenced by the FB thing. It would bother me tremendously if my DH had pics of BM on his FB, especially with lovey dovey comments!! Oh, h*ll no! My DH wouldn't even want to see her face for target practice. And how embarrassing for your mutual friends to be able to see that and read what they wrote. The fact that your guy KNOWS this upsets you and calls you jealous over that is disturbing. That also would make me wonder if he really cares. You are right that you DO deserve to feel special, and just because you have a blended family doesn't mean that you shouldn't be made to feel that way, maybe not all the time, since kids do have needs that take precedence, but at least some of the time. I would wonder what's really going on with him and try to have a heart-to-heart--and perhaps you've already done that. If he doesn't change after hearing that, I think you have your answer as to how he feels.
I'm glad to see you getting
I'm glad to see you getting such caring and sound advice from others. I also wonder if ur needs will ever be met in this relationship. Also need you to know they don't always practically disappear when older. One stepkid planted self on couch in middle of house even during high school years. More important to hold territory than be with friends. I believe you can do better, but it's very difficult to say goodbye. Could you do a trial separation, just to make it easier in you and your kids. Maybe you would see the situation more clearly from the outside. Maybe you would enjoy having your own place with the peace of your own children. And begin to feel stronger on your own and away from him. Not to rule out that he could change. Mine did. So it does happen. But don't wait to see if he will change. Love yourself first now and don't settle. If he changes in future and you still want him ok, but don't hurt yourself like this. Many of us in our younger years might confuse longing for someone and theur attention with a more mature love that builds us up and most always has our back in life.
If there has been no
If there has been no improvement in the 4+ years you have been together then it will only get worse. When you bring up an issue and he tells you you're jealous he's deflecting the issue back on you rather than considering your feelings at all.
You've been engaged for a long time. Are you hoping this engagement will end at the altar?
About Facebook; ignore it, post your own stuff and remove him from your feed.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/molly-tolar/my-husband-doesnt-post-about-m...
I would say get out of this
I would say get out of this relationship. Not because of the child, but for his lack of caring towards you. To me, and it may just be the impression I read from your story...it sounds like he was either burned badly from loving BM no matter how dysfunctional and cannot trust OR she was what he considered the love of his life and he's settling with you. I could be completely wrong.
Sometimes I don't know if
Sometimes I don't know if these men just get off on this sort of ego-boosting behavior, or if they simply just don't get it
It happens so much in step-families, but even in intact ones.
My sister is married with one child, a daughter. Her daughter (my niece) is 100% daddy's girl. When we're all together at family events, my niece follows her father (my brother-in-law) around wherever he goes. She is always clinging to him. Very physical. She's 16 years old.
If my sister sits beside my brother-in-law/her husband, my niece/her daughter will squeeze her way in so she is in-between them. Or, she'll sit on my bother-in-law's other side, and then he will proceed to tease/joke with her, talk with her, pay 100% of attention to her. My sister sits there like the third wheel
When they were here recently and my brother-in-law hugged my sister (at her request to help her back long story) my niece walked up when this was happening and said "do I get a hug too?" it was like she was jealous to see her dad hugging her mom
I commented to her that just because her dad gave her mom a hug, didn't mean that she had to have one from her dad too
I walked in the kitchen later and my niece was standing their hugging her father, just a big long hug. It was uncomfortable. I felt for a second like I should leave and give them space, wanted to say "hey get a room" and then thought, no way, this is just too weird
There is nothing sexually inappropriate going on of course, but it is still not appropriate
My brother-in-law has set up a bond with his daughter where she seems to believe it is her and him against her mom/my sister. That she rules, is #1, and can have whatever she wants.
One time we were at a fair, just DH, my sister, my niece and I. My niece wanted a bracelet that she saw. She was about 12 at the time. My sister said no, because she had just bought my niece an expensive bracelet which my niece didn't look after and lost. And my sister also didn't have a lot of cash on her at the time. Well my niece threw a fit because my sister said no, and immediately got on the phone with her dad. She whined that my sister was being mean to her and refused to get an inexpensive bracelet that she really really wanted. What did my brother-in-law do? Left work early and came to the fair, and proceeded to buy my niece the bracelet
When my niece was bad-mouthing her mom on Facebook and my sister found out, she took my nieces phone as punishment. My niece called my brother-in-law from a friend's phone 'telling' on my sister, and my brother-in-law left work early, marched up to my sister and freaked on her, demanded the phone, then proceeded to drive to my niece's school and give her back her phone.
He also berated my sister later in front of their daughter
My niece decided on a university that she wants to go to. It's quite a long distance. My sister hasn't fully decided it's the best thing. My niece sat there in front of me one day saying "DAD and I decided I'm going" my sister said it wasn't decided yet and my niece said "dad says I can go there" my sister tried to say well dad isn't the only one that pays but my niece then freaked and said "YOU can't stop me" to my sister
I finally spoke up and told my niece that her and her dad don't decide everything that goes on in their family. That her dad AND HER MOM decide along with her. Grrrr!
She's my niece and I love her but she is an entitled spoiled brat and I blame that 100% on my brother-in-law. He cares more about being her friend and being more important to her than my sister, than he does about parenting his child - not to mention being a loving husband to his wife!