Trouble adjusting to step parenting
Hello everyone I am new here to the site and was needing some place to vent my issues of step parenting. I have been with my husband for three years only married for two. I have three biological children, two from a previous marriage and one with my husband now. I also have a stepson from a previous relationship my husband was in before we got together. My husband is an awesome step dad he unconditionally loves my older children and considers them his, they even call him dad. My children have been with us all of our relationship and have a routine and rules with us. My step son has come and gone from our house over the years and just over this past year has really spent most of his time with us as opposed to his mothers house. The problem is I just can't seem to grasp any type of mother instinct with him. I have issues with his living conditions at his mothers house and just plain issues with how is mother did my husband in the past. It doesn't help that my husband constantly refers to him as his kid when all the other children in the house are "ours". When my step son is with us I am usually the one up taking care of him and our youngest. My husband gets upset and feels I am to hard on him and I feel he tends to shy away from discipline with him. My husband misses his son when he is not with us but doesn't really do much with him when he is. I know I probably am to hard on him and it doesn't help that he is four and should be in prek but his real mother didn't take the time to enroll him. I am at a lost I want to feel a connection with him like my other children but just don't. I want to enjoy the time he is with us but can't. I grew up with every child in my house having the same rules and boundaries no special treatment. It has gotten to the point where it is hard to say for myself that I love my step son. Please anyone have any advice I sure to need it.
My ex is in the picture but
My ex is in the picture but only because he is court ordered to pay child support. When my kids talk to him and express how they feel(mind you they are 13 and 9) they get upset and tell me that he says their feelings don't matter. When I talk to their BD about it he says they will get over it and it makes me mad.
I just feel that I should
I just feel that I should have some type of motherly love for him but I don't. I just kinda feel like he is a thorn in myside. Is that horrible of me to say?
Thanks for the reassurance. I
Thanks for the reassurance. I guess I just figured that when I married my husband it would be something that just came naturally. I know I am sometimes a little harder on him then my own kids because of his mother and it isn't fair to him. Just sometimes I feel so fustrated because there seems to be no boundaries or discipline set forth with his mother. I have higher expectation because my father was a marine and raised my siblings and myself with rules and expectations. And I have done so with my older children and trying with my youngest because I was in the Air Force. I just believe children need sound structure and my SS doesn't have that with is mother she just kinda lets him do whatever.
I've been married a year and
I've been married a year and a half and I'm still struggling quite a bit with my SD. I feel like I've bonded with my SS but we have him full time while we only have my SD part time so she is definitely more influenced by her mom.
My husband and I have been fighting for a couple days now and almost went into a partial separation because we are having trouble agreeing on how to parent SD. We literally just came to a compromise last night so I don't know if it will work but I'll share it just in case...we talked about behavior expectations and picked a few things to focus on. In our case, we decided that a respectful attitude was most important and the other two expectations were keeping a clean room and personal hygiene. My DH will be responsible for reminding SD about the expectations and disciplining her. I'm going to stay out of that. I do maintain the right to do minor corrections like telling her to put her coat away or to clean up a mess she made or whatever. If she doesn't listen to me, that's disrespect and DH will step in.
Like I said, we just decided this last night and haven't tried it out yet. I'll see what happens this weekend when she's here!!!
One last thing, I would recommend you read the book Stepmonster. It talks about the maternal feelings issue and it turns out it's totally NORMAL to not feel maternal. I still feel guilty about it but I think that will fade. I just keep reminding myself it's normal. I think as long as we're respectful to our steps, it's OK if the loving feelings don't come. I can care about my SD and want to see her have a good life without loving her like a mother.