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Duty vs Responsibility

epiphany's picture

I'm very interested in reading the thoughts of men who are in a position where they look after their partner's children on a daily basis.

A lot of people on this forum frequently utter the words "not my kids, not my responsibility". The problem is, sometimes the situation is too delicate to strictly adhere to that policy.

For example, my gf is studying to become a nurse and I work from home, so naturally I am in an ideal position to help out mum. She doesn't have long left before she qualifies. If I suddenly stopped helping out she would have to throw away three years of hard slog. This has caused a lot of unspoken tension because I don't want to put any more pressure on her, but I also don't want to feel obliged to babysit her kids every day.

Sometimes I feel resentful because I've put so much time into raising kids that, frankly, I will never love as much as a bio father will love his kids and they will never love like a bio father, yet she doesn't quite appreciate that. I don't think she fully appreciates how complicated the situation is - for a man to expend so much energy on people he does not love.

I'm not asking for constant appreciation, just more independence as time goes on. I've done my bit over the past three years and now I feel it's my turn to work on my own future. Is this fair?

I just want a bit more give and take, rather than give give give give. It's not like I get anything out of sacrificing my time at home to look after her kids. They don't give much back.

Last In Line's picture

So...let her finish, then you go to school or do whatever it is you mean by working on your future. If she's 3 years in, she should have less than a year to go to be done. That would be my suggestion IF you were an intact family/married couple or really wanted to function as such.

Having said that, she is a GF, not a wife, they aren't your kids, you don't have an obligation to take care of them. What would she do it you broke up/died/worked outside the home? I went to nursing school and had 3 kids at the time. My now exH worked. Kids went to daycare. My student loans helped pay for daycare.

Middle ground: keep the kids part of the time, but ask her to put them in mother's day out, preschool, daycare, or something so all of your time isn't dedicated to these kids.

How would you feel about the situation if she finishes school, thanks you for your time, and moves on? (It could happen!)

epiphany's picture

Thank you. What would she do if I broke up/died/worked outside the home? Right now she would have to quit her course and might even be homeless for a short period (she would lose her course bursary). They are making her work full time without holiday entitlement, while qualified nurses get the choice of working part time and get to take annual leave like any employed person.

I don't know how you managed to pay for childcare with just a student loan. It's extortionate here. We're talking hundreds of pounds a week to cover the hours she works.

As soon as both parents are working, any help from the state goes right down. They don't care if one of the partners is not the biological parent or not legally responsible for the kids. They assess it on household income. I don't see why I should have to pay towards childcare just because I live with the mother.

epiphany's picture

If I hadn't met her I think she'd still be at home, single mother on welfare. It's good that she's made an effort to better herself. I support that aspect of it.

The truth is she wouldn't have been able to do a lot of things if we hadn't met. Even little things like learning to drive were made ten times easier having me to watch her kids for a couple of hours in the evening.

If I do put my foot down and say I can't be there on a certain weekend or evening (rare), she might say something like "well I might as well quit the course then". Total guilt trip, whether intended or not. But funnily enough she always ends up getting around it somehow. So I do have to push her to look for alternative arrangements sometimes, but I think she is just trying to take the path of least resistance... i.e. free childcare without having to call around or take the kids anywhere.

paul_in_utah's picture

I was in exactly the same boat. My wife and I were both in school when we met, and I ended up providing a lot of "free" child-care. My wife viewed my help as a given, and did not appreciate it one bit. If anything, she would get pissy when I complained about it, and told me I wasn't being a good husband.

In my case, I just bit my lip and bided my time. The skids eventually grew up and moved out. I've more or less put it out of my mind now, but I will always harbor some resentment at the complete lack of appreciation shown to me by my DW back then.

epiphany's picture

Very interesting to read, thank you. I do feel this time before the eldest skid can do the babysitting (a couple years time) is a pretty depressing time. I don't mind taking them to and from school. It's the holidays and prelonged periods (i.e. weekends, odd days off here and there) of being left alone with them that really gets me down. I don't want them to suffer as well because they frankly have a mentally unstable step dad figure around them. So I put on a brave face and make sure I don't take it out on them.

So true about the lip biting and time biding. But I don't want to look back and feel I wasted these years. I'm 31. When I'm with the kids alone for prelonged periods I feel 51, miserable and trapped (can't leave the house because they're too young).

I also worry that when the skids reach teenage years they will turn on me and forget everything I've done for them. That's going to hurt but I see it happen a lot with step dads.

paul_in_utah's picture

Let me give you some additional advice: no matter how close you think you are to these kids, you are still "only a step-father." After many years of frustration and hurt feelings, I finally realized that nothing trumps blood. No matter how crappy their bio-father may (or may not) treat them, they will always have intense love and affection for him. You will be nothing next to him. Pretty much the same story with your DW - they will usually have great love for her as well (although not as much as for an absentee bio-dad). You just can't compete with bio-parents, and I would recommend that you forget about them "appreciating" what you have done.

ExArmydad's picture

I'd have to agree with Paul here, my SD's bio is in prison and she knows it but she still loves him and always likes to bring up the good ol times she spent with him. The way she perceived it was he picked her up on his scheduled weekend, took her out to dinner and they watched a movie. The reality was, he was 2 hrs late, ran her through Mc D's, grabbed a Redbox movie played on his phone while she watched a movie and put her to bed. The next morning something would come up and he would drop her off 8 hours early.

As for me, I'm early, actually took her out for dinner somewhere, then took her to the movies, put her to bed and then made her breakfast the next morning.

To her, that meant nothing because I'm just "step-dad" and she forgot all about it a long time ago but she'll never forget how great of a time she had with her dad.
In all honesty, she's forgotten about everything I've ever done for her, so I've stopped going above and beyond. I'll buy her birthday presents and Christmas but that's the extent.

epiphany's picture

I honestly didn't think it would get this bad. She hardly sees her own kids because of the hours the university demand she does in order to qualify. She is as depressed about it as I am. Thankfully there's not long to go, but I'm hoping her hours will be better when she qualifies.

I don't think selfish is the right word. If it were up to her she'd rather be at home with her kids, I feel her pain on that. But financially that is not an option and to be honest it's better that she financially support her own kids rather than be "kept" by her partner.

But yeh, I'll likely still be house husband when she qualifies. We'll see how things turn out.

ctnmom's picture

How did she think she was going to get through nursing school being a single mother? I think you're being used.

epiphany's picture

Thanks. Again, these are yet more complications. Dad is in the picture but he works most days and doesn't have any share of the custody, nor does he pay support. So he basically sees them when he has a free sunday.

Sometimes I do feel used, but then sometimes I feel like my gf is just as uncomfortable as I am about it all. I don't want to paint a picture of her being 100% ok with all this, she isn't. The only reason she can't be around as much is they don't allow nursing students to take holiday or negotiate hours. They have to be on placement for up to 12 weeks straight, full time, whatever hours they're given.

She has agreed to work part time when she qualifies, so I think this is a sign of compromise.

Rags's picture

I am a non-breeding step dad. I became dad when my bride and I married the week before SS-23 turned 2yo. Actually I became dad before that. I was the first person SS ever called Dad(dy) sometime after his mom and I met and started dating when he was 15mos old.

When I realized that she was the one I wanted to make a life with and we became life partners that also made me an equity parent to any children in our marital home regardless of the biology of those kids. So, yes, I watched, parented, and helped raise my wife’s child. That included making him the top responsibility in our marriage but it also included never letting anything be the top priority other than my bride and our marriage. She has the same priority.

So, 21 years later, a BS degree (my brides), two MBAs (one each), a CPA certification (my brides), and two successful, adventurous and interesting international careers later we are still going strong. The Skid is now documented as what he has always been….. my son, papers, birth certificate and all. He asked me to adopt him when he was 22 and we made that happen. He recently celebrated the 4th anniversary of his USAF career, has his line number for promotion to StaffSgt, and is doing very well as a viable self supporting adult.

I think you are looking at this through the wrong lenses. This is not an either or thing. Together you and this woman will make a life together and that includes the shared responsibility of raising any children in your marital home…. Regardless of kid biology.

You do not need to give up your life and opportunities or stop working on your future. Just keep in mind that your future is her future too and if you don’t work on that together ultimately you are wasting your time and hers.

Rather than consider what you are doing as sacrificing, you may want to look at it from far in the future when you and your bride are sharing the world with each other after raising the step spawn to viable adulthood either in spite of or in cooperation with the Sperm Clan side of their gene pool. Either way, you bring a lot to the table for your Skids.

In our case the challenge was to overcome the toxic influence of the shallow and polluted end of my son's gene pool and to not allow the Sperm Clan to adversely effect our marriage, our family, or our son.

BethAnne's picture

I feel a little of what you are saying. I don't work and stay home, I call myself a house wife as I don't have kids but I do look after my SD8 around school times before my husband gets home from work.

It is a difficult tight rope to walk, trying to be a parental figure to a child, yet knowing that in a few years they will probably turn around and reject you. You let them in, but you try not to let yourself get too close because you know it will be more painful when the rejection comes.

I am lucky because I know that if I get a decent-ish job that we would be able to afford child care around school times, so I am not truly stuck in this situation, it is more a matter of circumstance/choice. I do still though have plenty of days where I resent having to spend my time and energy raising someone elses child. My husband is grateful of the time I spend with his daughter and the help I give her but doesn't truly understand the sacrifice that it entails or the conflicting emotions.

If you want the relationship with your girlfriend to work out then you two need to find some small ways to help you both through the next year and start to plan out how life is going to look for the two of you beyond that so that you have some hope of change. If you aren't that fussed about the relationship long term then either accept that you will be used for a year and then feel good that you supported a single mom to be self-sufficient so that she can earn her own way or if the resentment will be too much, call it a day now and let her work out a way to make things work. She will be able to get more support/bursaries living on her own anyway and most courses can be taken part time if needed.

Do you physically have to be at home to work? Can you work remotely? If so I would look at finding activities that the kids can do and you can get on and work, or just relax so that you can get a break from them even if just for an hour or so. Can you take them to a play place, or the park or a kids class of some sort. Obviously ideas depend on their ages. Ask your girlfriend to look at what activities the university offer, often they have various events open to families/kids and students will get discounted rates especially sporting activities. Ask your girlfriend to ask her family to watch the kids for a while. I would also have a think about what you want from your girlfriend to make the next year easier on you. Are there things that you would like her to say to reassure you that she appreciates what you do. Do you want her to prioritise some more couple time with you or to arrange for the kids to have other child care arrangements occasionally? When you know what you need to get you through the next year, talk to her about it and ask her to work with you to find ways to make it happen.

daddyrob's picture

My take is that this is just par for the course. When you agree to a relationship with someone with children, you agree to take on those children as well. You cannot pick and choose what you will or will not do for them. I take care of my SDs more than both of their bio parents as well as my own bios. It's just the way it is. Also, Paul in Utah is correct. They will NEVER see you as an equal to their bio parents or appreciate all you do. To them, its a given. That's how kids are. Honestly, it is up to the parents to ensure their children appreciate things. If she appreciates what you do, the children will as well. IF she doesn't, they won't. You have to accept that.

epiphany's picture

Yes I do accept that, and I think the most rational thing for me to do is to step (excuse the pun) back as much as possible.

I'm not saying we should only do things for other people in order to get something back, but with kids it's absolute give give give with nothing back, except maybe the odd laugh at something funny they do or say.

If I'm honest, I'm scared of being rejected after everything I've done. So if it's inevitable I would rather not do anything. No school runs, no babysitting, no discipline.

Rags's picture

That is definately a reasonable fear given the blended family context. I would caution you to put some thought into how your disconnecting will impact your relationship with your significant other. It will have impact. Probably negative.