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SD5's Family Drawing

Mr Meanie Man's picture

Background: Wrote my first post last week. Married to wife for year. SD5(whiny, conniving and coddled), SS4(no issues). My brother in law (12yrs) moved in 6 mths as go due to drug addicted mother-in-law.

SD5 casually walks up to me with a small piece of paper and holds it up to my face. There are 4 stick ppl holding hands with 4 names on the side. My wife's name, her name, SS4's name and her Bio dads name. And then she started laughing and ran off. My wife was at school so I told her about it this morning.

She totally denied the picture, saying "Maybe she just wanted to draw her dad, doesn't mean she doesn't want you here" WHAT!!!??? Its very disappointing because we always talk out EVERYTHING. I asked her talk to her about the drawing and she feels there's nothing to talk about. Her indifference is hurtful and disrespectful. I told her if u don't wanna address it with her, I definitely will and she got furious. Yelling, "I don't want u talking to her about anything!" I'm definitely talking to SD5 today about the drawing. This is the first time I felt like my wife doesn't have my back and I let her know this. Any words?

BethAnne's picture

The picture thing can hurt, they will keep drawing pictures excluding you or with your wife and her ex. And they often seem to do it at a time to get back at you. That is my experience with SD8. However, she does also draw pictures of me and her or me, her and her dad at times too, so I try to just ignore it and accept that she is drawing pictures of important people in her life. She lives with us 100% during school time.

Last week I told her off for something, then she proceeded to write a letter to her mother, telling her that she loved her and missed her and couldn't wait to see her. I helped her think of other things to say in the letter too. Then at the bottom she drew a picture of her, her mom and her dad, with her parents holding hands. She told me that they were all crossing a road and that is why they were holding hands. I tried to make a joke of it and say that adults don't need to hold hands to cross roads, but she said they can if they want to and if they are in love. I ignored it at the time but I later told my husband that he might want to talk about him and BM being divorced but he just said that it was nothing and that it should just be ignored. I don't know if he was right or not, but I respected his wishes.

If it were me, if your SD does something similar again with the laughing I would call her up on it. Ask her why she is laughing and what is so funny about her picture. Don't comment on the fact that your wife and her ex are in it together, but do ask her why she is laughing when she hands it to you.

Mr Meanie Man's picture

Thanks for responding. I don't think she meant never talk to SD about anything, but about the drawing. It's FRUSTRATING bcuz she always denies any devious behavior SD5 exhibits. She asked me "Do you feel some type of way about my daughter?" So she's in mother/protection mode. I fear she'll start seeing me as a threat towards daughter instead of her loving husband. So her logic towards her daughter's actions is poor. I don't wanna be negative, but when she asked me that I just thought, " Well here we go, so this is what's gonna cause us ongoing problems and inevitability end our marriage and SD5 wins" I wanted to say, "Yes, I don't care for your daughter. I thinks she's a spoiled, entitled, whiny brat that i resent you for. It's ur fault for coddling and babying her because u feel guilty about having kids with an asshole." Lol but I decided against that.

Unrelated: My wife already thinks I'm "outgrowing" her, and is very insecure. She thinks since I decided to pursue masters/psyD/post doctorate in forensic psychology I'm gonna want to find a more "appropriate" mate. She has a GED. Of course i suggest otherwise, but shes too insecure. Since today, its like the countdown has started. Sigh, *lights cigarette*

hippiegirl's picture

Eh, I wouldn't sweat it too much. If you let this child know that she gets to you by doing stuff like this, she wins. You may want to learn the fine art of disengaging. It can be very liberating. Wink

Cadence's picture

Okay, man. You're up against a 5 year old. You got this one.

Draw her a picture of you, her mom, and SS, all holding hands. Maybe holding a new baby. Make sure there's no space on the side for anyone else to be added to it and make sure you make it a very childlike drawing. (Imitate her drawing style.)

When there are no witnesses, give it to her, tell her you also made a family portrait and walk away.

She'll run to mommy about it, and you'll come in, all adult-like and say "She said I did what?!" Start laughing. "You think I really sat down with crayons and drew a family picture that looks like a 5 year old drew it? Really? That's how I'd spend my time? And I'd purposefully leave her out? Come on, SD. I don't know what you're trying to do here, but let's stop these fantastical stories. Men don't draw with crayons. I'm not sure what's going now with you lately, but we're ALL a family."

Hopefully you won't damage her too much. }:) She'll at least get an idea about who she's messing with and that you'll outsmart her.

ChiefGrownup's picture

OMG, Cadence, this is the funniest thing I have ever heard! I want to find a way to adapt it for my cast of characters and do it at my house. So want to!

LAMomma's picture

I simply look at it and say that's nice and move on. Don't let her know it gets to you or else she'll keep doing it.

I do think it's typical for kids to do this though. My 8 year old frequently both in the past and present draws family pictures. Sometimes it includes her Dad and sometimes they don't. She drew a picture a few days ago that included Her, her brother, me, my spouse, and her Dad. Her Dad is an important person in her life and she loves him. She knows we're not getting back together but if she wants to draw him with the rest of us then whatever.. It doesn't really bother us any.

oneoffour's picture

Ignore it. She was testing you to see what you would do. I would have said something like .."Is your mummy's hair REALLY that colour?" Something totally unrelated. Or say "That's nice." And put the picture on a shelf horizontally. Don't throw it out just yet. Wait about 10 days and then round-file it. And remember, she didn't include her 12 yr old uncle either.

Leave the parenting to your wife. If she complains about how much time it takes with the kids just say "I know, but you do such a great job, babe!" If she makes comments about you 'upgrading' her for a smarter model just tell her "If you want to believe that, I cannot get inside your head to fix it. I only want to deal with insane criminals at that level not lose my adorable wife." Concentrate on what a great 'wife' she is and not so much about the kids.

And maybe align yourself to help out with your brother-in-law. He needs more help than a 5 yr old with both functioning parents. Let your wife know you want to be a good male role model for your brother-in-law who is still just a little boy. I would be more worried about him turning out OK than a whiny 5 yr old who thinks she is 'all that'.

ChiefGrownup's picture

FYI my stepson14 often draws pics of us. He is quite autistic and in many ways like a toddler or very young child. His pics always include me. Sometimes thye have all three of us -- dh, myself, and bm -- but never in any spiteful or provocative poses or groupings. He usually puts all of us, including me, in a generally positive light. I've only been in his life since he was 10 but he's fond of me and seems to think of me as one of "his" adults.

Monchichi's picture

Oh dude, seriously let this one go. I've seen what angst over a picture can do. My SS won't even draw his father, never mind the rest of us. His "universe" has granny, grandpa, mr kibbles (grannies cat) and Chucky. If asked about his parents he draws his mother, SF and half brother. We do NOT feature.

It's not a hill to die on.

AquiousTransmissionsOverADistantHorizon's picture

Look up the anatomy of single moms "or marrying single moms"........

Sorry ladys, but the definitions of them are pretty dead on and one should think of re examining oneself.

And yes.........thats the normal disrespect from your instafamily....get used to it