New here, needing to vent and seeking words of wisdom
I have read a lot of posts on this forum and have found the responses on here to be honest and heartfelt. I am glad to be part of this group.
Family Background:
My fiance and I recently decided that we are going to get married after being to together for 12 years. Both of us went through very disastrous divorces and thought it would be best if we didnt get married. But over the years we have grown to love each other enough to make the decision to do it. The date is set for April of 2016.
My oldest son lives with us which is almost 17, a pretty good student and an amazing athlete. My fiance is wanting to adopt him after we get married as his bio mother has not contacted him in the last 12 years by her choice. Her son age 14 also lives with us. He does not apply himself in school, video games, yoyo and playing the flute are what he is good at. He is the reason that I am frustrated.
I have two other boys that live with their mother about a 1hour drive from me. They are ages 15 and 13. I see them every other weekend.
Problems:
When my fiances son was about he told a lie about me to his mom. It was nothing horrible but saying that I was yelling at him and calling him names. This did not occur. His mom got home from work and her told her this. She sat down with both of us and he was crying and telling these lies to his mom with me being present. I spoke with him one on one about a week later about why he did that and his response was "because I hate you."
After this I have been cautious when I am around him alone now. But his lies have become a daily thing but most of the time they are not about me thankfully. The other day he cut up a fishing case of my 15 year olds when he had accidentally left it at my house. He denies this of course but it was in his room and no one else has been at the house or around it. He tells lies to his mom about not taking our laundry out of the dryer and throwing it all over the garage. There is so much more but these are the ones just this week.
Tonight he proceeded to yell at both myself and his mom because we grounded him for the destruction of the fishing case. He then said I was gay, called me a fucker and said I was worthless as he was giving me the bird. In the kitchen he got into my face and I pushed him back with both hands to get away from him. He then started yelling at me again and his mom came in from outside and he told her that I was choking him. She instantly seen there was no marks on him and told him to stop.
I am so freaking worried about what lie is coming next. Those in our household knows the lies he tells and immediate family know. I am just paranoid that one of these times he tells a lie t a teacher, the police or someone else that will turn this in. I love my family and that is why I have stayed for so long even though he scares the piss out of me. My fiance gets frustrated with his behavior too and has cried so many times for the way he treats her and everyone else in the house. Any one else have a similar situation or words of wisdom?
Can you find some way to send
Can you find some way to send the little fucker to juvie until he ages out? I would never live with some one like that.
Thank you for the replies and
Thank you for the replies and those are the two questions I have been asking myself. To stay or not too. I stay because I love my fiance and she is a wonderful mother to my oldest son. I also feel that I dont want to give up on my soon to be step son as I have raised him since he was 3. I do think of him as my own he just scares me me. I guess Im hoping for a solution other than leaving if there is one. At least then I know I have tried everything.
She does tell him enough is
She does tell him enough is enough. When he was younger she was a coddling parent too much but all of us have made our mistakes as parents. She corrected this years ago. He is a tyrant to her now. Yells at her and calls her horrible names. Grounding, taking away his phone, his video games. He just gets more upset and then starts punching that walls. His room has graffiti and holes in it that I stopped repairing until the day he moves out of the house because I could not keep up with it.
He was in concealing and seen
He was in concealing and seen a psychiatrist. He refused to go and stopped taking his meds. We also tried family counceling and would go to thatveither. He won't even go on vacation with the family. Goes to his bio dad's instead
Can he spend more time at his
Can he spend more time at his dad's? To me, the first priority is to take the heat off, so if you're not willing to give the kid space yourself, then removing him from your home is the only option left.
Then do some thinking.
Postpone the wedding! Your
Postpone the wedding! Your girlfriend will squeal, but limit your exposure to risk at this time. Seven months is most likely not enough time to straighten out the situation with SS and GF.
I'm not certain that I could continue to love someone who allowed their child to treat me this way, but that's me.
You are at a high risk of spending time in jail, financing lawyer bills, explaining to bosses, and limiting visitation with your own children --- due to a SS with some serious issues. And, a GF with some serious issues, as well.
Nah, I don't buy that your GF is a "wonderful mother" to your oldest son. Your son is probably a great kid and that relationship is smooth sailing because of him. Sorry that he has to deal with your living situation. For his sake, you need to think about what living environment you have chosen for your boy. He's almost out of the nest, and what will he remember of this time? What about your other children? Are you willing to visit them under supervision-only situations? What parenting are you demonstrating for them all?
SS has obvious mental health and behavioral issues. You have a few options: you move, SS moves. This is your life. Now, there are a handful of posters on this forum who have stayed in a committed relationship and moved out to protect themselves and their bio-children. They moved out, dated their spouse, raised their kids, worked on their relationships etc. A "time-out" with teeth.
Keep us posted and good luck
Your fiancé won't give up her
Your fiancé won't give up her child and you need to install video cam everywhere in your house to protect yourself if you want to continue to stay with her. Don't get married. That kid is a nightmare and continues to be one for the rest either hers or his life so if you love her be there to support her but disengage from her mess. It's her mess, not yours.
Best of luck.
A.
Does he tell these lies to
Does he tell these lies to his Bio dad? How is he involved in everything? If you want to continue a relationship with her then maybe he needs to spend more time with his dad. I have a feeling he doesn't see his bio dad too often and maybe he needs to go stay somewhere else to see how good he has it. Unfortuntely it does sound like there are bigger under lying issues as far as his mentality and that is probably the root of everything. Things won't get better without help if that is the case.
Web cams. Each time he
Web cams. Each time he assaults you or your bride, defend yourself and her. Make sure the footage shows his assaults so that your defense is clearly justified. If he steals or destroys property in the home, have him frog marched out in cuffs by the police. Webcams are great for that kind of thing.
That or take a belt to his bare kid ass each and every time he pulls his toxic crap.
Better yet, inform your bride that her toxic spawn is gone. He goes to live with his father and never darkens your family door again. If she will not protect herself, you, and the other children in your family home from her toxic crotch dropping then postpone the wedding until he turns 18 and is out. If he assaults you or your bride after he turns 18, just shoot him and put him out of society's misery.
If someone had taken a belt to this kids ass when he was younger you would not be dealing with this crap now.
Good luck.
http://kidjacked.com/legal/sp
http://kidjacked.com/legal/spanking_law.asp Check your state here. If you are not in DE, take a belt to his bare ass when he plays his toxic bullshit.
Webcams. Definitely get full coverage in your home and record every second of this toxic POS kid's life. When he destroys property in the home, have him frog marched out of the house in handcuffs by the police. Own his toxic ass. If he assaults you or your bride then defend yourself as painfully as possible. Make sure the footage shows his assault just to make sure your self defense or defense of your bride is clear.
Or better yet, inform your bride that her toxic spawn is gone. He can go live with his father and never darken or threaten the door of your family home again.
If your bride will not make that happen, postpone the wedding until the kid is 18. If he assaults you or your bride after he turns 18, just shoot him and put him out of your family's and society's misery.
Good luck.
If it were my own kid putting
If it were my own kid putting that many holes in the wall I would seek professional help to have the child removed from the home and into residential care. It may be just living in an institution will give the kid clarity that living in a nice family is a privilege. Or maybe he really needs the padded room ad infinitum. Either way, this kid would not be allowed to stay in my home threatening every body as he just gets bigger and stronger.
Multiple holes in the wall is plenty evidence this kid is a danger to others and incorrigible. Mom can't handle him. The pros must do so now.