Phone calls
I wondered what your thoughts were on phone calls from the other parent during your time with the children.
After almost 4 years, bm has suddenly started to exercise her right to phone calls with the kids on our time. Ss9 had some medical issues over the summer, so we chalked it up to genuine maternal concern. It was disruptive and frustrating but we never told her it wasn't a good time or that she couldn't speak with them. Ss9 is fine now, but she has continued to disrupt our time and has informed dh that she'll be calling the children on our Saturday's to speak with them from now on.
Dh/I had a wedding on the weekend - my childhood best friend. It was our time with the kids so gm jumped at the opportunity for some one-on-one grandkid time. No sooner had we left than dh realized his phone was dying and we didn't have his charger so we left it in the car. It was fine because I had my phone and charger + gm had my number for emergencies. We only intended to stay though the first dances so dh could get home for bedtime, but everything ran long (as weddings do). We got home to 2 texts and an email from bm demanding to speak to the kids immediately, that she had promised she'd call them. Dh put sd5 to bed as gm allowed her to stay up way passed her bedtime (as gms do). Dh texted bm and explained that he hadn't had his phone but that she could talk to ss9 now or both in the morning. She threw a fit saying that dh is never without his phone and ss9 should be in bed and of course she would speak to them in the morning. That's when she told dh she would be calling every Saturday on our time from now on.
This is one of those intelligent brain/emotional brain issues.
Dh doesn't call kids when they're with bm because we see how it disruptive it is. Ss9 sees a councellor and her advice was for the kids to let Mommy know that you miss Daddy and would like to talk to him. Bm told ss9 that dh is confused about the process and that he's to call them, not the other way around. In other words, she's withholding contact on her time. Dh refuses to play a game that puts the kids in the middle. But I wonder if we're putting the kids in the middle regardless.
Ss9 misses dh to the point where he spends half of his time WITH US in tears worrying about missing us when he's back with bm. Within 20min of phone calls from bm, he's in tears because she's gleefully reminded him that his time with us is coming to an end.
When she texts to say she'll be calling, dh drops everything and stops the kids in the middle of whatever they're doing, just to get it out of the way. I've asked him to tell her that right now is inconvenient but he'd rather just do it and move on with our time. We never withhold contact as she's entitled to reasonable access, but we're not an on-call service and she shouldn't be making promises on our time.
I had read a article that backed dh/my feelings on how these calls were bad for the kids, but then other articles said that it was good for them, especially during any long stretches away from a parent. They reminded the reader that previously, parents and kids had uninterrupted contact with each other, that while they have to adapt to a new situation, they shouldn't feel cut off from each other.
The articles also said to keep calls to under 5min and only ask a vague blanket question like "how was school" or "how was you day" and let them talk without any further probing. When one child is done, move on to the next and if they have little to say, end the call. Bm drags it out and asks probing questions, which we can tell by the answers. And we're not hovering, we generally leave the room when possible.
I wonder if we tell bm on Friday when she can call on Saturday based on our plans. If she can't make that time, that's not our problem? Or do we have to be sitting by the phone for when bm feels like calling. It's our time, can we tell her when the children will be free? Last weekend after the wedding, she called early Sunday between getting out of pjs and sitting down to breakfast. It left the rest of the day to ourselves without waiting on a text. It was pretty nice.
I just wonder what other people's experiences are and your input.
Yeah I really dont understand
Yeah I really dont understand how or why these phonecalls have to take place or why they are even written into court orders.
There is nothing about phone calls in the CO for SDstb5.
My fiance and BM split when SD was newborn, SD stayed with my fiance and BM had access essentially whenever she wanted. At the point of their split she had no work and no home address so couldnt have custody. When SD was 2 BM had gained a steady job and home and was able to gain custody based on "a mothers lost time" because the hours my fiance worked were deemed less suitable than hers(twisted right?)
So SD went from being full time with her father to full time with her mother, in the very beginning BM would have to call daily, SD wouldnt eat without talking to her dad, wouldnt go to bed without talking to her dad. It really bothered him for SDs well being, during this he went back to court to find the judge kept the situation the same as to avoid further distress to the child.
The calls slowed and within a few months had stopped completely. If SD is with BM my fiance never calls and if SD is with us BM never calls. Her time is hers and his is for him.
It seems to be something alot more common in america but to me just seems to cause more issues. Maybe get your DH to speak to his lawyer and see if theres limitations you can put into place, it is unreasonable for her to expect you to always be home/available at a certain time on a saturday during his weekend visitation.
The lawyer says its common
The lawyer says its common and just means that neither parent can be refused communication. It also doesn't mean that she can enforce a calling schedule on us.
We have 45/55 shared custody, split weeks with every other weekend. Saturday is right in the middle of our time.
Ok then the way forward may
Ok then the way forward may be having DH say she can call between hours X and Y. You mentioned that the sunday morning call was quite nice because it was over and done with, maybe look at setting a morning time slot. If she doesnt call then its on her but also its less disruptive to your time as the only times you will not be available is if your spending an over night away. Under which circumstances it becomes a if we miss your call we will call you back when available.
Reasonable phone/text/email
Reasonable phone/text/email access is in the co. But no time is laid out and what exactly is reasonable??
During our full week of summer vacation she had to call every other day. I would say that's getting unreasonable!
We can record for protection of ourselves but not for us to use against her. If bm were to claim that dh berates her at all of their encounters, we can have recordings, without her knowledge, of the encounters to refute her claims for his protection. Our lawyer advised us to never record the children, it looks poorly on us as though we were making them to say things for the recording. I wonder though, if we're recording as a protective measure, if that is allowable. it's not that bad yet, but bm is a fan of escalating to the extreme very quickly.
Ugh, I hate the phone call
Ugh, I hate the phone call thing, SD5 doesn't often like taking BM's calls (she loves talking to her mum, it's just that she's busy, even if she's doing something quiet and relaxing, she doesn't like being interrupted), sometimes SO will show her the phone saying "Mum's calling to talk to you" SD has grabbed the phone and hid it under the couch cushions (lol), BM immediately starts texting her cray, "where's my daughter, I want to speak to my little girl, answer my call!!!" lol doesn't matter that SO explains and says he'll get SD to call soon when she's free, BM accuses SO of interfering and not allowing or not making enough effort to get SD to take call.
BM brought it up at mediation, SO explained that he would never withhold contact during his time, however sometimes the calls come at inconvenient times and that he does feel stressed if SD doesn't want to answer. GAL said to BM "can we agree to allow these explanations and instead arrange a set time, but if SD is busy, realize that it can be upsetting for her and [you see her the following day anyway,] (he said something like that).
Basically, it was explained in mediation, that EFFORT from both parents is to be expected re/ phone calls, but it's not good to force SD.
No matter what age the child
No matter what age the child i see no reason to have phone calls for either parent. It doesnt help the child at all, just disrupts and unsettles them. Kids adapt and settle down quickly but if constantly have to speak to other parent cant be productive.
Why is it written in any CO?
I would specify a time that suits you, stick to it. I wouldnt allow any BM phone call to disrupt my SO time with skids. If she doesnt like that or misses it - tough!
I had phone calls written in
I had phone calls written in my CO with my ex, but we agreed to phone calls at 9pm (bedtime) to just call and say good night and maybe discuss the day a little. We no longer do them as they are teens and have their own phones and can call/text us as needed.
I try not to call/text my kids while they are with my Ex as to not interrupt their time with him, He also does the same, however they have a baby brother their and like to facetime him to say hi, I don't mind them talking to my ex.
HOWEVER!
SS and SD have phones, maters are better with communication with their mom now, BUT it was OUT OF CONTROL originally, calling texting several times a day and if they don't answer all HELL would break loose, multiple calls texts emails to DH bitching him out and she would send the police over to my house to do a "wellness" check if she texted SS and didn't hear back within 60 minutes! So every time the kids wanted to swim, they would set their phones down, jump in the pool, we would sit on the deck and 90 minutes later the cops would show up because SS didn't text her back and she was "worried" about him.
How we handled that situation all rolled into additional issues with BM and we ended up taking her back to court.
I would set a time with BM, tell her she is out of control, disruptive to your life and your time with SS and that she should have a set time till he gets older.
We called the Skid once a
We called the Skid once a week during his Sperm Land visitations. Not excessive, not invasive, just checking in.
If it interferes then it is not acceptable. Smack BM accordingly.
DUPE!!!
DUPE!!!
Thank you all for sharing
Thank you all for sharing your experience and advice! I hope to read more.
I spoke with dh last night and we're going to start letting bm know on Friday night to expect a call from the children between X-Y time on Saturdays (probably an hour window depending on our plans). She'll hate it because it's far more of a control/disruption thing for her than actually wanting to talk to the kids. But this means we can enjoy our time and not have to deal with her. If she misses the time, that's her problem, she's been notified in advance. If she tries to disrupt our time outside of that, we don't have to respond. We've given her reasonable access based on her demand to speak with them Saturdays.
Dh meets with his lawyer tomorrow and is going to clear this first, but I can't see that there's anything wrong with this routine.
UPDATE Dh messaged Bm and
UPDATE
Dh messaged Bm and gave her an hour window to call on Saturday. I'm not sure what exactly his message said, but she did call shortly into the window.
She talked to them for about 15min, dragging it on and clearly directing ss9. (See skid weight gain post that will be up shortly).
We'll see how long before she starts refusing to call during the specified time.
SD never used to do this. But
SD never used to do this. But as her behavior got worse her phone/umbilical to her mother got quite a workout. DH never interfered with it, it was mostly done out of our presence. Nevertheless, I think it was disruptive because that kid needed actual friends her own age, not her mom! SD would also try to drag her mom into intervening in things at our house but to BM's credit, she usually called my dh to inform him she was getting complaints and the two of them would wrangle it out. SD rarely succeeded in her "backchannel" schemes.
I do find it disruptive. Let the kid interface with the other parent. Let the kid reach out for peers.
In your case, yes, I would give her a set time to call. This way everyone can get some structure. Stopping an activity or bathtime or whatever is ridiculous just so bm can get her kids all worked up.
Ah. I see I am a day late and
Ah. I see I am a day late and a dollar short. I'll go look for your other post.
That is absolutely ridiculous
That is absolutely ridiculous that your DH and the BM even have it in their CO about reasonable phone/text/email access. Obviously the BM's idea. What's done is done, I guess, and you can't change it now.
My kids were 6 and 10 when I split from their dad, and we had more than enough faith and trust in one another as people, never mind parents, to know that neither of us would ever deny the kids or the other parent the right to talk to one another while with the other parent, so putting it in a CO says a lot.
If DH's kids wanna call their mom while they're with you guys, then so be it, have at 'er ! But as far as her dictating that she is going to call on a Saturday, and then you guys tell her what time frame, is ABSURD ! That would be the day when my ex told me how things were going to go while the kids were on MY time.
If she doesn't hear from her kids all weekend, it's safe to say that they're in very capable hands, and having a great time with their dad. (and you of course, scifi)
I'd put a kybosh to the whole thing. I'd be willing to bet that psycho ex wouldn't have the means to pay for a lawyer to get involved over this, and should she be so foolish to think that the police don't have better things to do than to respond to a call about a good dad, taking care of his kids on HIS weekend with them, and not wanting her to intrude on it, she's kidding herself.
You said reasonable contact.
You said reasonable contact. That doesn't mean you have to sit by the phone. I would even unplug the phone for one sat a month to not disrupt the kids. Is she really going to drag you to court over missing one sat. a month. Doubt it. Let her get mad. At least you can protect your kids feelings a little. And if you think this will cause her to talk crap, well she already does im guessing. I would do something fun with the kids every sat. So when she asks them, they can tell her they were having too good a time to be bothered.lol