When is it Safe to Remarry?
I have been reading this forum and feel a great amount of gratitude for the wisdom and lessons within it!
I have been widowed since 2011; with 4 children (ages 25 son, 21 son, 17 daughter, 15 son). I have been dating a really wonderful divorced man (who has one 17 year old son) for almost 2 years.
I am financially independent and we maintain separate households. We don't do a lot together with our kids, and tend to go out on dates when his son is with his mother.
My two older children are out of the house. The oldest is out of college and has a job in another city. He is a great kid and on his way. I just know that he needed a lot of help through college; and I see nothing "magical" about the age of 18! I know that my other three kids will continue to need help until they are through college or tech school as well (in other words, I see 6-8 more years ahead before I am "FREE"). The second child has been labor intensive with mental health/drug/legal issues. He is working some of that out, and is now enrolled in a tech school and lives on his own. My daughter has had some adjustment/trauma issues dealing with her dad's death in addition to being a teenage girl (which is hard enough at times!!). Thankfully she is not into drugs or alcohol. The youngest is a great student and seems to be doing well. Everyone in my family continues to be in therapy, including me. My boys are fine with me dating this man - my daughter is not. She sees him as an intrusion. Last time he came over for dinner she acted like a complete territorial brat. It was embarrassing. I have decided to protect him and our relationship by going back to doing things away from my house.
His son is a great student and not into any trouble. He does act really emotionally immature at times. This has been going on since I met him, and sometimes when I am speaking with his dad on the phone I can overhear the 17 year old talking in baby talk - to his dad. He has also done this in public. I'm not sure what is going on there. He usually greets his father by wildly yelling "Daaaddddyy" and running towards him. This is great when any boy under the age of 10 does this. SO has primary custody of his son. He really is a terrific dad. My kids do not like his son. They are polite to him, but they think he is "weird". They rarely see each other.
Here is my concern: My SO has invited me to a family celebration out of state. His son will be with his BM that weekend (the relationship SO has with the BM is pretty bad, and there was no negotiating with her about his son going on this trip. You would think that the son, at 17 years of age, would declare to his mom that he is going. He will not rock the boat with his mother at all). I am looking forward to meeting his family and having a weekend away with SO. The problem is that lately he is speaking more about marriage and "spending the rest of his life with me".
Even though I would love to have a daily partner to love and be loved by; to manage life with and to be able to sleep with - I DO NOT SEE THIS HAPPENING. Not for another 6 to 8 years or so! I need for my kids to fly out of the nest and I don't believe that his son will be independent any time soon. I think that he may be nervous about his son leaving for college (if that even happens. The son has been talking about taking a gap year…or two…).
SO has made a few remarks about my daughter needing to "brace herself" for the real world and being out on her own (I know he is hurt by her rejection of him - and he has tried so hard to be nice to her. I can tell that he is getting more frustrated with her - especially after the last dinner incident). Perhaps I'm wrong, but I'm not pushing her out next year just so he and his son can move in and be more comfortable. SO is financially independent and has worked for an amazing company for 20+ years. He suffered major financial losses with his divorce, and I know he would like to combine forces to try to recover.We really have a great time together, and when we met he had no idea I was financially independent - so I know he wasn't just interested in financial stability
I think that after reading through many of the challenges that blended families face I will have to be direct with him: I want to live in the now, and be grateful for the time we spend together. I don't want to wreck our good time with arguments over what I spend on my kids' therapy, college, etc.. I know his son will need $$ help in college and that's not my responsibility. His son has two parents. My kids have me. I guess I need to tell him I can't consider that kind of commitment until my parenting responsibilities to have significantly diminished. In the meantime, if he wants to be my date, travel partner, and lover, that's great. If he doesn't, well then that's sad. I'm worried that he is going to use this family celebration as a venue for a "major announcement".
You are lucky, you're
You are lucky, you're figuring this out before hand!
You are absolutely correct that mingling households now, would be more of a challenge than either of you are probably up for.
I am thankful that people
I am thankful that people take the time to openly share their experiences here! Everyone who gets married hopes and wants it to work out! I wish for that for myself some day, but I think life has whipped me into being a realist.
The daughter's unreasonable
The daughter's unreasonable dinner behavior was called out at the table. She chose to storm out and leave. Everyone else just shrugged and went on with the meal. We were at my house, so that was less awkward than being out at a restaurant. Her rude comment was directed at me, but SO took it personally, as he felt she was just trying to ruin the moment. He left shortly after dinner. I spoke with her privately about it as well, and she has declared that she does not want him (or anyone else, I imagine) to be involved with me. I do feel that red flags were flown by SO by taking her behavior so personally, and later commenting that "she'd better brace herself for being out on her own". No matter how great he is to me when we are alone that is not his decision to make at this stage in our relationship. I've read thread after thread of people being forced to choose between their SO and their own biological children. I do not agree with the behavior he allows his own son to engage in (baby talk, etc) and I could see myself correcting him if we all lived together, and having SO get defensive.
I think my best bet is to peacefully live 6-8 years in my own house in a dating situation. Hopefully the youngest will continue to do well and he will be out of the house sooner (he is a sophomore in high school now). The 6-8 years is a big picture guess - but it could be 4-5. Who knows?
I just don't see any benefit in bringing SO into the household now. I'm pretty sure we would eventually break up over older-teen conflict. That has been at a minimum now and I'd like to keep it that way.
The red flag was him stating
The red flag was him stating that my daughter "better brace herself for the real world", i.e., get ready to be out on her own - when I doubt he will take the same hardline approach with his own child.
He does not even remotely qualify as a bedwarmer, as we keep two separate houses and he has never spent the night here. We've had some great intimate moments, but really only at his place when his son was with his mother.
We enjoy each other's company and share many of the same interests. We mainly train together for triathlons.
I do intend on having a conversation about this with him before we visit his family. I don't want any misunderstandings or to misrepresent our relationship to them.
I'm getting spooked by the marriage talk and I just need to be honest with him. If he really just wants to marry someone and doesn't want to wait for me then he is free to do that. That would mean that he is not the right guy for me, anyway.
This forum has helped me decide what I want and don't want. Thank you for your time today!
"Right now their needs and
"Right now their needs and your wants come before a boyfriend."
I'm not sure I see how a 17 year old needs her mother's full attention as in mom can't have other relationships besides her children. And why should a child determine what a parent does? I'm afraid you are confusing roles tommar. If mom doesn't want to marry, she shouldn't. But the decision should not be made by a child. Who is parenting who here?
I know my older kids are
I know my older kids are concerned about protecting my resources and paid off house. I agree with you. There is no need to get married. If I feel pressure from SO over "sentimental reasons" I just need to be firm. It would be wise for me talk to him about this BEFORE we visit his parents. I was married for 24 years (not always happily) to my late husband. I have to say, it is nice having personal space and freedom. It is hard to sleep alone at night though - but I can deal with that!
Well, if he's sentimental,
Well, if he's sentimental, you can eventually have a marriage ceremony without inviting the state into your marriage; no marriage license needed.
Actually, I was referring to
Actually, I was referring to to the marriage ceremony to appease his romantic sentiments; nothing to do with Social Security.
"Holding out" as married is more than privately committing to someone and everything I have ever read about holding out and fraud, has to do with SSI, not survivor benefits.
Prenuptial If you decide to
Prenuptial
If you decide to marry get one. One lawyer for you. Another lawyer for him. Assets prior to marriage are not joint and are for the original owner to leave to children in a will. He signs off on anything inherited from your first husband (necessary because of the way federal law works for retirement accounts)
As to your daughter, she needs to be told, by you, that your future is not hers to control. Whether you stay with this guy or break up is not hers to decide. You need to make this clear now or you will forever be facing the same thing. She will not outgrow this and it will get worse if it is not addressed. Waiting years will only reinforce her feelings and behavior.
It will not be easy. It will be a bumpy ride, but you can get her to acceptance of you dating (and marrying) if you refuse to run your life by her rules.