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9 and still wanting to be tucked in

gang33's picture

Okay I don't know if this is just my hormones (I'm 8 months pregnant) or if this is an actual issue. My 9 year old SD still wants her dad to tuck her in even after she's gotten ready for bed and says good night. She'll be 10 this month and is in 4th grade, to me she's too old and too big for that. Her mother keeps her very dependent and won't let her do much of anything alone, that pretty much includes picking out her school clothes, when she is with us we try and give her more freedom and choices, but at the same time more responsibility. I know she's his little girl and all I just feel like she is prolonging going to bed because sometimes it could be 15 minutes later that he'll go in to her room and she'll keep all the lights on and stay awake covers on and all until he gets in there. Am I just sounding like an evil step mom or is this something that I should actually voice that bothers me??

gang33's picture

You would think but he tells her give me a few minutes, because he's usually doing something and she has already laid down when she comes back to ask.

gang33's picture

My nieces are the same way, I have one that is 10 and SD will be later this month. My niece can do a ton of things on her own, SD is complete opposite since she lives with her mother and we get her the occasional weekends and the month in the summer and her mother is very weird with her there's lots of things she's not allowed to do, stuff she can't wear and expects her to be her "mini me." Lord I hope that doesn't happen, she won't know more than one shade of eye shadow if she does that. :O

twoviewpoints's picture

" I just feel like she is prolonging going to bed"

LOL. You're about to give birth to a newborn that will spend plenty of bedtimes keeping your whole household awake. SD will soon enough not want or need Dad to tuck her in any more. Is a quick hug, a kiss on the forehead and a silly little 'don't let the bed bugs bite' really something to bitch about?

gang33's picture

She already has 2 younger brothers at her moms house, and when we got this house this is the first time in her whole 9 years that she has ever had a room to herself. She has always shared with someone, including baby brothers and even now that her mother has moved into a house that has enough room for her to have a room of her own she is still sharing. I don't see it as bitching about something when she has ALREADY said goodnight and has done the whole hugs and kisses thing, because she does that goes to lay down then a few minutes later comes back and asks him to go tuck her in, I miss the point of saying goodnight twice.

gang33's picture

LoL For one you appear to need therapy, ever seen Because I Said So? Yeah you just made yourself look like that mom that. A 13 year old being tucked in?? If its like an ongoing joke that's pretty funny but to baby a teenager is ridiculous, you still let them sleep in the same bed with you? Do they run to your bedroom when they have nightmares? You purposefully keep them dependent on you, you plan on keeping that going through adulthood??? Seek help now before its too late. Next I'm going to make an "issue" of her not cleaning her room, you probably think I'm the worst SM in the world for making her do that! Please,you would be the last person I would take advice from after telling me you treat a 13 year old like a toddler.

Last In Line's picture

Same thing happens here. I'm just thankful we no longer have the child trying to get in our bed. Tuck her in? Please do. My kids never wanted such things, but I guess they are all different.

gang33's picture

By "tuck in" I mean the exact same thing she said 15-20 minutes prior to laying down. There is no conversation or story, it's the same "good night, I love you, kiss on the forehead."

still learning's picture

Up until last year my 15 and 12 year old momma boy sons wanted to be tucked in. I was like really?! This year they shoo me away, I guess their hormones kicked in! My youngest, 9 yr old son still like a tuck and a story. Have dad have a set routine, time and stick to it so the girl isn't up past her bedtime.

Best to you on the rest of your pregnancy!

gang33's picture

I teach for a living so to me at 9 is too old for that, and this wasn't something done every night, she would do it a couple times then it became a nightly thing and like I told someone else they don't say prayers or read stories, its the same good night I love you lights out. I'm trying not to be mean but at the same time her father and I are trying to get her to be more dependent, her mother pulls the apron strings so tight I'm surprised the girl can breathe. For the longest time she used to ask us for things out of the refrigerator because she had to at her mothers, and that went for things as simple as water, which she actually CAN'T have at her mothers.

Disneyfan's picture

I'm also a teacher and I do not see anything wrong with this. With so many kids rudhing to grow up, I think it's sweet.

twoviewpoints's picture

You might be surprised reading more blogs/forum postings to learn many many many SMs here over a number of years complain over skids NOT ASKING. Seriously. In their homes the step kids are required to always ask first.

A couple things on your other points. One, with a new baby about to be born, SD 's interest in wanting just these couple seconds (Dad again checking in and turning off her lights) to reassure herself she'll still be important in Dad's world. Two, the very short, a very simple tuck in you describe is not necessarily a sign of dependence or let's say, inability to be independent... if the kid was incapable of putting herself to bed, couldn't sleep without being done so? That is an issue. But that's not what you're telling s at all.

smtot's picture

I'm the product of two teachers. My parents tucked me in until high school. Not every night, but often it was for those few minutes of conversation after the busyness of the day. I turned out ok. My mom passed away recently, I would give anything for one or two minutes of alone time with her.

My SD is 12 and her dad still tucks her in. She'll let us know when she doesn't want him to anymore.

In the grand scheme of things pick a different battle, this one isn't worth the energy.

notsurehowtodeal's picture

Same thing for me - up until high school. I turned out just fine, no "over-dependence" on my parents.

Maybe it is the term "tuck in" that is causing some to be so against the practice. As kids get older it is usually a quick kiss and a good night - there is no actual "tucking in" involved.

I don't understand the problem. If the child is using the practice to delay bed time - that is on DH. He should control bed time and how much time he spends "tucking in."

smtot I am so sorry about your Mom. I lost my Dad 3 years ago tomorrow and like you, there are times I would give anything for just a few more minutes with him.

evilicious says I quit steppin's picture

My youngest boy is 10,and he likes for me to come tuck him in some nights. We usually have a short conversation, I kiss the top of his head, and turn out the lights. I work a lot of hours, so I think this is his way of compensating. If I tell him that I am too tired (not very often),he goes off to bed on his own.
Oldest boy is 12. I stand at his doorway and tell him "Love ya, buddy." Sometimes he'll get up and come give me a hug, but most of the time he's reading before bed.

moeilijk's picture

My MIL tucked in my DH until he was 16. He is very hard to connect to - the kind of kid who gives one word answers and isn't being rude, just how he is (still is). So she found that way of having time with him to make sure she was 'there' for him, since talking about things was never going to happen.

I think it depends on the dynamic of parent and kid. If the kid is manipulating the parent into extending bedtime (like my DD1.5 is trying to do these days), that's something completely different than choosing that time of day to bond with your kid. I prefer family time to be meal time and since DD is so young, pretty much all the time is bonding time...

LikeMinded's picture

"I think it depends on the dynamic of parent and kid. If the kid is manipulating the parent into extending bedtime (like my DD1.5 is trying to do these days), that's something completely different than choosing that time of day to bond with your kid."

Same here, we have 4 and we can totally tell when one of them really wants some affection or is just trying to stall bed time or trying to take attention away from another kid.

It really depends on what else is going on with this child.

However, I agree with the others, this battle is unnecessary.

Scottish Mum's picture

My 8yr old daughter will not go to sleep unless "I tuck her in" and even read her a story so tbh, I see nothing wrong in tucking in your 9yr old.

My 8yr old also likes to hold my hand whilst outside which can lead to strange looks from others but I totally ignore the funny looks.

ownpersonalopinion1's picture

Its your hormones I think. Don't stress out over something so trivial. Tucking in at my house meant saying our night time prayers together and a night time hug. No big deal. He's just a 9 year old little boy and why would tucking him in bed and a hug hurt? Just let it go and concentrate on your health and baby. When you baby is 9 years old, you'll love your special moments together also. Take care!

Monchichi's picture

My SO tucks me in every single night with a nice long smooch and a snuggle. I go to bed before him Wink

ownpersonalopinion1's picture

My kids turned out ok and not warped for life because they were tucked in as children. Both are very accomplished degreed professionals.

Cover1W's picture

My Sd9 still likes DP to say goodnight to her. She is now on her own brushing teeth putting on PJs, selecting a book to read. Then she'll come up and let DP know she's ready. I don't think it's odd for her. She's a little behind her sister and some kids her age maturity-wise. DP should cut out a lot of other help he gives her though!
SD11 stopped the good nights right around age 10. Completely cold turkey.

Sezzza's picture

im 27 and i still love when my mum comes and says goodnight to me when i stay at her place....

scifimom's picture

Our sd6 needs a book and full (only) daddy time. Less than 2 books and she has a melt down (which DH doesn't put up with).
Ss9 gets told it's bedtime and to brush his teeth. We wait for him to finish and go into his room with him. He gets in bed, DH pulls up his blankets and then we both say goodnight to him. Ss9 has some ritual questions he asks every night, and then we turn off the light and shut the door and that's it. 5 minutes from "it's bedtime" to lights out - 1 minute in his room, tops.

I was jaw-dropping shocked one night when ss couldn't figure out how to get into a newly made bed (for allergy reasons we fold bedding down to the bottom of the bed every morning). We made him figure it out for himself, even though he was getting a little frustrated. He's 9. He should understand how to get into bed, regardless of where the covers are. But we still see him to bed every night.

You mentioned that DH is doing stuff when it's her bedtime, I would say to stop doing stuff. Take the 5 minutes and put her to bed. If she's constantly having to share a room with others (as our sd and ss have to with BM) then I would make the time to give her a little extra at bedtime. She could be feeling extra lonely and a little scared if togetherness at bedtime is her norm.

Wildflower's picture

SS10 and SS6 have a nightly chaos routine that requires being tucked in, books read, etc. They also use every excuse in the book to keep their butts from staying in bed, which ultimately causes DH to lose it. It's a huge battle every night. I would handle things much differently, but I stay out of it for the most part in order to reserve my sanity. Plus, I think that should be their time together, especially since I spend the afternoons with them going over homework.

SimplyB's picture

Take that time for yourself, brew a tea, brush your hair start your own ritual.

I still tuck my daughter in at 18, whenever I can.

The little rituals remain our bond.

If SO was to complain he would be sleeping alone.

No judgement, just my two cents.

Since she was a baby we had rituals, potty, teeth, prayers and book.

And our back and forth - love you's

Makes me smile as I type to remember those times.

I will always love her to the moon and back!

LikeMinded's picture

Actually, we transitioned out off this kind of naturally. Once our baby got his own bed, the older sibs got to read him a story and tuck him in, so that's their ritual now.

Maybe your SD can do that some day... our kids really love it.

Shaman29's picture

H "tucked" his kid in until she was eighteen.

By tucked, I mean he stopped by her room every night before he went up to bed and said good night and whatnot.

I tried to tell him at fourteen, she needed a little privacy because he would just walk in. He finally started knocking but I'm fairly sure her saying goodnight before she went into her room was sufficient. He just never caught on.

notasm3's picture

Everybody's bedtime rituals are different. I do not think there is a right or wrong way to do it.

When I was 40+ years old I related to my mother how she had stopped kissing me goodnight when I was about 6 years old. From that time on until her death she always made it a point to kiss me goodnight when I was visiting. She was afraid that she had shorted me as a child. I never felt that way. But I was not going to rebuff her efforts at 70 to do what she thought she needed to do.

Vassinci's picture

My ss was doing it when he was 10. I wasn't pregnant or jealous or anything. It didn't bother me that he asks to be tucked in, it was his way of asking it that was touching to my nerves.
I didn't nag about it because it was coming from his mother's ways of raising her child since she is, still today, sleeping with him and giving him kisses on his lips in front of everyone (well not a quick lipkiss like a peck, she literally grabs his face between her hands, pulls him, and gives a big kiss on the lips which dures min 5sec). I find it a little bizarre but it's not my business.
The way ss was asking to be tucked in was developping like this: brushes his teeth, puts on pjs, comes downstairs and gives a kiss saying we is going to bed. Doesn't matter if dad is busy or anything,he wents up to his room, and literally eyes wide open waits till daddy comes. And daddy, if he is busy, he says ss that he can sleep and he will come to give a kiss in 10min. The problem is if daddy goes up to give a kiss 10min later, ss isn't happy and behaves stonecold to daddy, becomes angry.
Well, at one point the DH told him to stop to find something to nag about all the time, so from now on ss will give a kiss and go up to sleep without waiting for him but daddy will stop by his room to give him a kiss before daddy goes to bed. It took few months of struggle but it worked. Now he does fine with that. Well, he found other things to nag about.
Stay strong and congrats for the baby Smile

CLove's picture

My 2 cents: I am childless myself, but my SD10 still likes us to tuck her in. It is a "group production" whereby I am included, and sometimes it is just me. She has a routine whereby she sais hi to her hamster, sometimes we hold him and laugh together. I really like it, and sometimes she evens sais "I love you..." to just ME.

I think its not a big deal...its more an affirmation of bonding. Do you tuck her in too? You might enjoy it!

I have a similar issue - her BM sleeps with her during her visitations, and her BM sleeps with a baby blanket. My SD still sucks her thumb on occasion. I think THAT is super weird. ITs to the point where the BM's boyfriend asks specifically for "child free" nights, because when kids are over there he sleeps alone...

I guess after writing this - the tucking in is really not that bad compared to everything else!

Rags's picture

9 is a bit old to require tucking in. If BM wants ot keep her dependent then that can happen in BM's home. No need to cater to that crap in your home.

Time for a discussion with daddy I think.

Congratulations on the baby.