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Being a step-parent is stressful!!

frank799's picture

So my step-daughter just started the 1st grade. My husband works out of town on a river boat for 3 weeks at a time so he is constantly in and out of service. Well I was able to speak with him briefly last week and he had told me that his daughters mother texted him and told me about the meet and greet at the school coming up and about a doctor's appointment that their child was going to for school shots. A lot was said with that conversation about how the mother was going to inform their child that daddy doesn't want to come to the meet and greet at her school again and daddy always lets her down! She is so crazy! The mother does not understand that he can not just get off the boat whenever he wants to, it's his career!! But anyways long story short, he's tried texting and calling her to see how the doctors apt went and how she liked her 1st day of school and if she needed any school supplies or clothes BUT she will not respond to anything now! So he had me try to text her and I did. But still nothing.
We've contacted his lawyer and she said to just document it and after awhile we will file a contempt and take her back to court. FYI they just finished with 3 court hearings and we had so much proof to back up the 4 contempt's we had against her but nothing got accomplished with them! Total waste of time! She kept the child from him for two weekends in a row and flat out said she wouldn't get in trouble and what do you know she didn't! So just documenting and taking her back to court will be even more wasted time. Also, his lawyer told me that I should NOT be contacting the mother at all. This is very frustrating for me because I want to be involved in the child's life and I want my step-daughter to see that I'm involved and that I care about her just as much as I do my other two children. It even aggravates my husband as well and he has said that he doesn't care what his lawyer says anymore. I was always so nice to her mother! For gods sake I took her with me and my daughter to a weekend getaway to the zoo and I constantly am sending her pictures of her daughter and I always let her speak to her if she wants. I go beyond what I should but it isn't that hard to keep things civil for us all but apparently she can't even send us a 1st day school picture!
I need some advice. Should I back off and stay completely out of it or do I continue to try for the child's sake??

MamaDuck's picture

Dad can call the Doctors surgery and ask for a report (if it's his first contact, he may need to fax/scan & email CO of joint legal and proof he is SD's father).

Contact the school directly (DH that is), it's fine to email the teacher, explain his work circumstances and express his interest in his daughters education etc make contact every few months.

As for you... well, i've experienced negative fallout from attempting to communicate with our BM, so I'd advise ANY SM; NEVER communicate with BM, EVER!

Disneyfan's picture

Stay out of it. Mom doesn't ever have to speak to you. The only one she has to communicate with is your husband.

Dad can contact the school, doctors,coaches on his own. There really is no reason for mom to play the middle man.

AVR1962's picture

The mother is trying to make herself look like the good parent and is bad mouthing to her daughter to make dad (and you) look bad. Parents like this need to be strangled!!! My husband's ex did this with their boys and my exhusband did this with my daughter's. They are trying to create alienation and let me tell you if this woman is as manipulative as my ex and my husband's ex you have a long hard road ahead of you. 3 out of the 4 kids who are now adults do not speak to us, everything we have done is wrong, they have taken to the manipulative parent.

You have asked whether to stay out of it? Yes, I like you, got involved and I was (and am still) targeted.

jenna1234's picture

Its definitely a tough situation. Its hard because your DH is out of town. As a step parent I try to be as involved as possible. I grew up with divorced parents so I know how important it is to be involved. You just have to watch your boundaries. I would just make sure to text about how you would like to be involved and to let you know if you can help in any way. I have contacted my SD school to make sure that they have her fathers contact information so that we at least get letters. Your DH has the right to contact the school and set up his own meetings as well. My parents did not get along and I had one parent who never had anything nice to say and as I got older I resented that parent for talking poorly about my other parent because what was said wasn't correct.

We actually just contacted the school recently and let them know that we should be getting all the contact information that the BM is getting and we pay for the pictures separately and they put them on the side for us when we pick SD up on our days.

Rags's picture

Leave any contact with BM to DH. Interface with the attorney, compile records, evidence, anything that can be used to shred BM's toxic ass. I completely understand your frustration as a Sparent. I was told repeatedly by Judges that I was not a party to the case and then tried to insist that I provide my earning information. I fought that crap tooth and nail and pushed it to the cusp of a contempt ruling and made sure the Judges made it clear for the record that they were fricking morons. Unfortunately the idiots in the black robes whether morons or not can force the issue so I ultimately had to provide my income information to avoid going to jail for contempt.

It was one of my many blended family experience hobbies to get Judges to demonstrate how stupid they are after they dismiss me as a party to the case then require me to provide information regarding my income. "Well Judge, I can't provide you with that information. You have already ruled that I am not a party to the case and have no standing. Neither does my money. You can't have it both ways. If I am not a party to the case my money and income are not relevant." Watching them turn purple and their eyes bug out was rather fun. }:) My favorite ending to this hobby was the first Judge that pulled that bullshit. After telling him the above he then told me that if I said another word and did not provide my income information he would hold me in contempt. Sitting there giving him the "You really are an idiot" stare and smirk while he asked me for my income information after threatening to hold me in contempt for speaking was the icing on that cake.

I recommend not taking the stance I did. Be the behind the scenes support and expert on all things related to your DH's Custody/Visitation/Support Court Order. Document every twitch that BM makes out of compliance with the CO, when she so much as scratches her crotch look for proof she has a promiscuous STD, when she is one day late paying a bill note it, when she gets a speeding ticket note it, when the Skid speaks of anything out of whack at BM's house note it, record every phone call from BM or the Skids (if that is legal in your state) print and save every email, take a pic of every text exchange and print it, research any county supplemental rules or states rules that augment your CO in managing BM and CO related stuff.

You can be involved without exposing yourself to the family law Judges that govern blended family situations as anything more than a caring spouse and Sparent. Behind the scenes you can be very influential.