Cops got called yet again... I'm ready to pack my bags.
BM called the cops yet again because SS refused to go with her (this happens a lot). A lot of the times I will go out and tell him to go and he always listens to me. I do this mostly because I don't want to hear her bitching and screaming in my front yard and trying to start a fight with me. But the last few times has me fed up, so I let my MIL deal with her today. She's always saying that she wants to deal with my MIL only, even when DH is here, anyways. So, SS refuses to go, BM calls the cops and starts sobbing uncontrollably about how awful we are and how she just can't handle it. I tell the police officer that our attorney advised me to stay out of it as theres too much conflict. The officer tells me that thats bullshit and that our lawyer did not say that. When I insisted that yes, she did say that he told me to go back into the house then and 'don't come out here feeding me that bullshit.' I go back inside the house and a few minutes later my MIL comes in telling me that the police officer wanted to speak with me again. My MIL was pissed at the way he had spoken to me and gave him the custody orders and paperwork indicating that I stand in my husband's place when he is not around. The officer then gave this lecture about how it's my job to come out and get SS because my MIL is too elderly and because BM is pregnant (yet again). And that if I'm with DH then it's always going to be my problem and I'm going to have to deal with it because she will always be around.
I just don't get it. Everything i've read says that stepparents should stay out of it as much as possible. And now it's MY responsibility and not the mother's? What the fuck. And obviously I knew that I was going to have to deal with BM but it seems like with every little thing its hitting me more and more now. I feel like packing my bags. I don't want this to be life. Im at a loss as to what to do. It seems as if it just keeps getting worse and worse.
Time to go back to court and
Time to go back to court and have your name removed from the court order. Everything concerning that kid should be between the parents. The way things are now, BM may actually be able to file contempt charges against you if you don't step in and tell the kid to go with her.
I should have explained it
I should have explained it better; my name is not on the court order. I have DH's power of attorney for when he is gone for work. He works a job where he is often gone for long periods of time.
I didn't know if I could file
I didn't know if I could file a complaint for something like that or if it would get anywhere. Do you know what happens when you file a complaint?
I don't think the officer was
I don't think the officer was wearing a body cam but the entire exchange was recorded.
Show the recording when you
Show the recording when you file your complaint.
SS is 5. The officer yelled
SS is 5. The officer yelled at SS and asked BM 'Why didn't you whoop his ass?' He told me he didn't care what my attorney said and whether or not BM was always starting trouble and that since she is pregnant and my MIL is elderly that it's my responsibility to come out and get him for her. I am still furious.
The kid is 5???? BM should
The kid is 5???? BM should have picked his little ass up and put him in the car. A 5 year doesn't get to decide if/when he visits the other parent.
I'm with the cop,(not with the way he spoke to you). Mom should have tied fire to his little ass.
The officer yelled at SS and
The officer yelled at SS and asked BM 'Why didn't you whoop his ass?'
FILE A COMPLAINT!
Why is it that BM goes nuts
Why is it that BM goes nuts and calls the police for no reason and you are the one getting the "talking to". BM should be in trouble for wasting the police officers time with her nonsense. I guess I don't know, is it appropriate to call the cops if a child refuses to go with their parent for visitation? Perhaps I'm wrong and it is appropriate; I've never been in that position. Still, it seems unfair that you were treated this way, even after providing a copy of the court order. I'm sorry you had to go through this.
Amber
EXACTLY. She's always calling
EXACTLY. She's always calling the police for the dumbest shit yet they NEVER say anything to her. The officer today was pissed saying that this was taking him away from more important matters yet I get the blame for it? I have no idea what the bitch said to him before I got out there as I was in the house but while he was 'lecturing' me he said something about me not having the power to refuse her visitation if she's 20 minutes late and withholding SS. I nor my DH have ever withheld him; we are going through a custody battle we wouldn't be that stupid.
I can totally see why you'd
I can totally see why you'd be so frustrated. if SS is refusing to go with her then there's an issue regarding her relationship with SS that needs to be looked into and dealt with. Obviously the SS prefers to be with you and that is a win on your part. BM appears to be causing a lot of drama the neither you nor SS should have to deal. As for the officer I would definitely file a formal complaint regarding their lack of professionalism in handling the situation. Hang in there. I'm going through a similar thing with DH ex and SS as well but so far the cops haven't been brought into it just BM and DH's lawyer and a shit load of complaint and threat from her towards me.
I really don't believe that
I really don't believe that they have any true issues in their relationship. I know that she curses at him and screams a lot when she's angry and she likes to spank him bare bottom and that obviously isn't pleasant but other than that I don't think there is anything major. I don't think they necessarily have a good relationship because BM has been in and out of his life but that's not the same as having real problems in their relationship. I completely understand why the cop was annoyed. DH and I have never called the police no matter how crazy she gets because it's stupid to take them away from more critical matters for such petty issues.
Oh come on. There are
Oh come on. There are plentry of kids who pull this crap when it'a time to visit dad. That doesn't mean there is an issue with their relationship with dad. As a matter of fact, most would say BM is PASing the kid. In the case, the BM may believe dad is doing just that.
^^Yes. WHY is this child here
^^Yes. WHY is this child here when his parent is not?
Sorry I missed that. Aniki needs khavi...
That's what makes sense, but
That's what makes sense, but does there have to be a 'first right of refusal' in the CO?
I'm not thinking great this
I'm not thinking great this morning from lack of sleep, but your post reminded me of when my FDH and BM had ROFR in their CO, but now they don't for some reason. It seems wrong that SD is with her Aunt or grandma on BM's custody day because she's not around, when SD could be with her dad.
LOL, at this point, I don't even remember why I brought it up in the first place since it wouldn't really make a difference if it was mom's visitation day.
I did, I mentioned above that
I did, I mentioned above that this is only when DH is away at work otherwise I don't deal with it. And you're right, there is no first right of refusal in the court order. I don't know if its important at all but we are still going off of a temporary order so there are no specifics at all. It's like five sentences not including BM's child support calculations.
It sounds like BM may be
It sounds like BM may be unfit and only has visitation.
I replied below in a long
I replied below in a long post.
I didn't know which to reply
I didn't know which to reply to since a lot of them were asking the same questions so i'll just reply to them here. DH does have primary physical custody BUT we are still going off of a temporary order. We've been back to court four times on temporary hearings alone because BM keeps filing for a modification and a change of jurisdiction. The process is being dragged out longer than it needs to be. The court order is very short with no specifics since it's a temporary order. I don't know if this is normal but that's how our judge did it. The temporary order allows BM visitation on the weekdays that DH is working from 6-9. In court DH actually proposed that BM be allowed to pickup SS from school on her visitation days but the Judge denied it because she had no-showed several times and left him at school. Initially when I tried really hard to get along with BM for the sake of the court case and to make it easier on everyone else (which basically means I sat down and had coffee with her and told her a thousand times that she was the mother and I was not) we gave her a ton of visitation that was not inside the court order since DH is gone a lot, even allowing her to pick up SS from school and having overnights on school days. But then she started taking advantage of it. She wouldn't take him to school the next day, would withhold him, would change his school paperwork so that when someone would come and pick him up they wouldn't be allowed to, started a lot of trouble if one request was refused, and a lot of other things. We tried to ignore it for the most part but eventually got fed up mostly because she would NEVER work with DH if he needed to switch a day with her in order to spend some time with SS. We weren't taking it away from her we were just switching and she would gloat too telling SS and me 'Your not going to see your Dad this weekend before he's gone for yadayada weeks. I'm going to enjoy every bit of my weekend with you.' When DH tried to talk to her about it she fired back that if he was going to throw it into her face then to go back to the original court order and so thats where we are at now.
As for the issue with SS not wanting to go; like I said in one of my other replies, sometimes he wants to and sometimes he doesn't. I really don't think that they have any true issues in their relationship besides just not being really close. Our attorney said that she thinks it has a lot to do with the pickup time because at that time he may be settled in or engrossed into what he is doing and does not want to leave. 99% of the time when this happens I will go out there and yell at SS and he goes. However, I was getting fed up because what do I get for helping? I get screamed at, name-called, and threatened by BM. and it just keeps getting worse. Every time she is angry she tells DH and me that she does not want me around her at all, that i'm not allowed around SS, not allowed on her property, that she refuses to deal with me, and etc. And like I said it keeps getting worse and worse so our attorney advised me to stay out of it. So that's what I did this one time.
*sigh* I hate to say it, but
*sigh* I hate to say it, but do you see that you're in this situation because you have allowed yourself to be in this situation? From what I see, this is the deal - DH is primary custodial. However, he is often gone for long periods of time for work. So the ONLY way "he" can be primary custodial is if he *legally* (via the POA) makes YOU custodial. You have to have agreed to that. If you do NOT agree to that, then you need to tell your DH, take your name off the POA, and tell him that he will have to allow BM to be custodial or figure something else out.
If you are agreeing to be legally responsible for this kid though (which it sounds like you are) then you totally failed today. This was YOUR responsibility, not your MIL's. You agreed to it and then decided you "didn't want to deal with it" because BM is a bitch. But you don't get to do that - IF you agreed to be legally responsible, then this was YOUR JOB. No, you do not get to "step back" as a SM, because you have taken on responsibilities that most of us refuse. You allowed your DH to give you POA, you allowed your DH to leave you in charge of SS while he's gone - so you do not get to "step back" once your DH is gone, certainly not because you don't feel like dealing. Parents don't get that option, and you have opted to step into the PARENT role. If you don't want that, if you want the step parent role and the option to not deal with the crap, then you need to tell your DH and you need to tell him NOW before custody is finalized.
No, you are right. I have
No, you are right. I have allowed myself to be in in this situation unfortunately. The POA only specifies that I am able to make decisions regarding the child's medical and education; it doesn't talk about custody. The Judge is well aware of DH being gone for work but it is not addressed in any of the orders so it is still DH that has custody, not me.
You're really getting caught
You're really getting caught in the middle here. Your DH is basically putting you in a parental role, and the lawyer is telling you to be in the SM role.
What do YOU want? I think you need to figure out what YOU want your role to be, what that looks like to you, and then tell everyone "Here is what I'm willing to do. No more." Maybe that means your DH drops SS off - maybe he has to do that the night before if he has to be at work early. Maybe that means you physically take SS to the car. Maybe it means you start giving SS "5 minute warnings" before his BM comes so he has time for transition and it's not so hard for him. I don't know, this is just off the top of my head. But I get the feeling that right now you're just trying to keep your head above water, and you don't have a direction or a goal for how you want all this to turn out. Having a goal, knowing what you want the end result to look like, can really help you deal with all the crap that comes along!
If BM gets a police report,
If BM gets a police report, it may cause problems for your husband.
I don't know if it's much of
I don't know if it's much of a story but a lot of things that added up to DH winning custody. BM doesn't have any major issues such as a drug addiction or abusing her kids but she's just a shitty mom all around. She is focused more on partying and guys than she is her kids. She herself has freely told DH and DH's family that all of her pregnancies except for SS were a result of drinking and one night stands. Her youngest she had to DNA test two or three different guys because she was so drunk and couldn't remember. She hasn't had a job in over six years but spends money like crazy. She was married for a short period of time but is now going through a divorce and spent $30,000 in just a few months (her husband's money) but she refuses to pay child support which is ONLY $250 a month. She's also had a new guy every single time we've been to court which is a factor because they stay with her and sleep in the same bed as SS. The first time we went to court she was still with her husband but we had evidence that she was seeing someone else (text messages from her to DH), the second time she was with another guy, the third time she was with a married man (also had evidence of him being married), and the fourth she was pregnant with the married man and with a new guy. For some reason she is always finding men that live in different states and every time this happens she wants to move there and leave her kids behind. We had actual evidence showing that she had made plans to move to North Carolina, California, Minnesota, and Texas (all separate occasions). Last year she actually did move to California but came back when her and her husband didn't work out. She hardly ever had her other kids because she's been very lucky to have kids with fathers who care for their kids. We speak to her second son's dad and he's told us that within a 6 month span she had their son for less than a week total. Her husband also confirmed the same thing. The biggest issue though is that she is one of those that withholds the kid if she doesn't get her way. And her demands are absolutely ridiculous so I'm not going to get into them. I know that that's not physical harm but that's harming her kids nonetheless. We have tons of recordings of her telling SS to run and hide from DH or to tell DH that he doesn't want to go with him. A lot of 'little' things like that.
BM refuses to do anything outside of what the court order instructs because she wants to be difficult. We have suggest public pick ups and drop offs because there is so much conflict and she refused stating that the court order says at the residences. Ive asked her not to come to my car during pickups and to say goodbye at the door in order to try to diffuse conflict, she of course refused again.
Thank you for the suggestions. I will need to sit down and talk to DH.
We have some pictures from
We have some pictures from her Facebook and SS' iPad but only for two of the guys and she's brought plenty more into her bed with him. We know of at least 5 different guys but it's probably more. It's easy to figure out because all her children sleep in bed with her and she's constantly moving in her new boyfriends and they obviously sleep in the same bed as her. SS will always tell us too when he sleeps in bed with BM's latest boyfriend. It's really disgusting honestly.
This is a terrible situation
This is a terrible situation for you and a great one for your DH who does little parenting, does not have to deal with BM yet he still gets primary custody and does not have to pay CS. Your lawyer tells you to stay out of it yet in all reality you are the stand in primary parent when DH is away and need to deal with it.
I know you care about the kid and want to help DH but he does have a mother and if ss is not with his father he should be with her.
What happens if you step out of the picture, what then?