Stay or go?
Ok. My GF and I have been living together for a year and planned on getting married. Her son is 10 and treats her like crap because that's what his dad did. She tells me not to intervene and to be his friend. I can't sit by and just watch him abuse her. Plus his dad only takes him for an hour twice a week. I know it's not his fault because he's a kid but before I tolerated him and now I dislike him. I realize this situation will never change. I am not a quitter but she says that if I move out we are through. I would have no problem dating her for 8 years, living apart, and getting married when she is free of him and his dad. She says that she wants to get married soon and wants us all to be a family. I have enough drama with my kids and their BM. I'm sure there's other good guys out there like me going through the same thing. She's the one for me but the situation is not.
Go. You need to go. It's only
Go. You need to go. It's only going to get worse. I am so sorry, but if she doesn't want your intervention in her kids life, she is not the one for you.
I wasn't a "quitter" either and now I am in a mess.
You are not the problem. The
You are not the problem.
The kid is not the problem.
Your GF is very much the problem. If she will not parent her kid, there isn't much you can do. If the kid is blatently disrespecting his mother with no consequences at this point, he will be a nightmare when he gets older, and won't respect ANYONE.
And no self-respecting adult has a KID for a friend. Friends are peers. A kid is not a peer to an adult.
Completely agree! If you are
Completely agree! If you are to be married, and she wants you to be one family, you have to be partners in marriage and life. She's not willing to let you be one with her son because it is the easy route not to shake things up. But the relationship between the adult man and woman of the household is the one the children look to for guidance on how to treat each other. She has to be willing to let you be that partner. I agree that no, you can not be friends. He needs a male role-model and positive relationships with adult males, that is not the same as friendship.
No to both stay or go.
No to both stay or go. RUN!!!!!
The kid will never truly be
The kid will never truly be out of her life, even when grown. Love is not enough.
That's so not fair to you.
That's so not fair to you. Doesn't sound like a healthy spot for your children either. GF wants you to have the responsibility but no authority. I wouldn't waste too much more time on this one. Leave.
What's cute at five is
What's cute at five is obnoxious at ten and illegal at 18. So your sorta stepson is at the obnoxious phase. Guarantee someone around her asked her to reel him in at five when it was "cute." So I can also guarantee you're going to get the worse and worse on up to illegal at 18.
Your gf will never be free of this kid or his father. The boy will get himself in all kinds of trouble she has to bail him out of at 18, 21, and 35.
Tell her you cannot live like this. No, you're not gonna "try" or "think about it" or any of that other crap. Just no. This is a boundary you have. You can't tell her what to do but you ARE telling her this is important to you and, one way or another, you won't live like this.
Tell her it's important the adults in the house, the partnership or marriage, be united when raising kids. This allowing jr to act like a little gangsta to his mother is something you can never ever support so there will be no unity. Ask her if she would be willing to take parenting classes or whatever and find a policy you can both agree on.
If she's not willing to do any of that -- break up. That kid will be in your life constantly whether you marry her or just try to date her long term. Think how you will feel when he's a hulking 16 year old bullying his mother and treating her like trash. You won't be able to stand it. Unless she allows you to become a full partner and that means her willingness to make changes, your life will get worse not better with her in it so just break up.
agree!
agree!
Run like the Japanese fleeing
Run like the Japanese fleeing Godzilla!
Thanks for the advice and
Thanks for the advice and echoing the sediments of my friends. And for the Godzilla laugh! When I got divorced an older guy at work told me not to fall in love again. Now I see why.
What got me was her threat of
What got me was her threat of " if you leave ( to live independently ) we are through"
Hello? Who made her the relationship police and the gate keeper of choices?
Okay. Time for a very clear
Okay. Time for a very clear and forceful message.
The next time SS is in your home and is abusive to your bride you march both of them to the dining table. You whip off your belt, fold it in half and then with as much force as you can muster you smack the table with it. Make sure it is loud and it makes them jump.
Then you stoop down to the little shit's level and as you repeatedly poke him forcefully in the chest with your finger you say "No one, including a 10yo abusive little piece of shit bully will speak or behave towards my bride in that manner. If you ever speak to my wife in that manner again I will whip your bare ass so hard your asshole will project out of your mouth like a bullet from a gun. There is only one response to this discussion and that is YES SIR!.. NOW SAY IT!!!" Then you turn to your bride and you say .... "This is your fault because you tolerate it. Step up and deal with it or I will and that little asshole won't like it if I have to deal with it. Our marriage is dependent on you having enough self respect to deal with this, deal with this now, and to never allow this little piece of shit or anyone else to ever treat you like this little asshole and his abusive POS father have done. Do not make me have to deal with this or it will get very, very, ugly for your POS kid and for his father."
Then turn to the table for one more full swing belt smack to the table, calmly put your belt back on, poke the kid in the chest one more time forcefully with your finger, get in his face and say "I am watching you. Don't make the mistake of ever treating my bride in any way except with respect or prepare for your ass to be spitting flames until you turn 18 and I throw your ass out of my home."
There is no fucking way on this planet that I would tolerate my bride not standing up for herself or anyone including our son treating her as this little POS and his abusive asshole father are treating your wife.
Nope, not happenin. Light his ass up! ... repeatedly.
When we married my wife was a bit intimidated by the Sperm GrandHag. Once we married I gave the Hag absolute clarity that if she ever made the mistake of treating my wife or our family in anyway other than respect that I would make it my mission in life to ruin her and her entire family financially, socially, in their church community, professionally, and legally. She tested me and she regretted it. It took a few years but my bride did gain the clarity and confidence to effectively deal with the Sperm GrandHag and the entire Sperm Clan.
Hag could not handle my wife but she would posture with confidence and aggression until I caught her eye. Then she turned red, tears welled, and she wilted. I would stand by while my wife destroyed them brick by brick. Neither a redneck breeder idiot nor her combined toothless drooling redneck clan can hang as a CPA auditor picks them apart. The for sure can't hang when I have my bride's and kid's back because they know if they force me to engage it gets brutal for them in a hurry.
The last 5 years of so of our CO I did not have to engage with the Hag or sperm clan at all. My bride would have them quacking without my intervention. They knew I was there however. And they never tested that last number of years.