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Is this Mean???

Elle36's picture

Submitted by Elle36 on Thu, 02/15/2007 - 10:39am

SS is 6 and while he is at our house he has numerous friends to play with . DH and I encourage him to be outside or around other kids. We plan play dates and if we go or do anything we always try and have a friend come along. (SS is with us a full week the with BM a full week) If school is out early friends are always around or on no school days we either have him at friends or with friends. I teach school so I am off summers. I barely see him thoughout the day (the whole street light is on rule applies) (I live in a private subdivison so don't think I just let this kid run free I DO KNOW where he is at all times)

SS has cried to Dad and I numerous times that he has no friends at Mom's. He has never had a friend over to play at Mom's house and when school is off (even summer) BM drives him 30 minutes to her paretns to watch him. He told Dad and I that he played with Mom or himself last week. This little boy is so obsessed with other kids that it is the first thing he wants to do when he gets back with us.

Last night SS and I were talking about summer. He said he can't wait to go to the pool and play outside. He then told me (very pathetic) that on Mom's weeks he will be back at Gramdmas. He asked if he could stay with me. I didn't answer.

Husband and I have been waiting for this. I already told husband that if BM asks if he could stay with me during the day that I would say no. (I have no kids of my own yet) These are my reasons: First I am not going to make life easier for her. She chooses to drive him 30min to her parents then 30 min back to work the so be it. IF she doesn't want to drive then put him in daycare. Second how can we get SS to ever want to be with us full time (and I know that is the ultimate goal for my husband) if he can have the best of both worlds. Is it mean to deny the SS of a nice summer of friends and playing with us just so he can realize that life with Mom is crap??? We want him to be excited to be with us and hate to go be with her. Plus IF I DID watch the son (which I will not) do I have the right to ask to be paid?

Comments

new evil stepmom's picture

Submitted by new evil stepmom on Thu, 02/15/2007 - 11:49am

It's great for him to see his grandparents. He is only 6 and grandparents are important. It sounds like he is getting the best of two worlds - friends one week, family the next.

robinmaye37's picture

Submitted by robinmaye37 on Thu, 02/15/2007 - 3:33pm

I have to agree that having family time and time with friends is a good plan for now and I would keep it like it is, and the whole can of worms you could open with the BM is something to consider.

But your reason for not watching him don't seem right. I hope that you keep the real reasons private and he never hears them. A child should want to spend time with both parents and not think time with one is crap or hate to be with them. Time with either parent should be looked at as a positive time and should be encouraged by both parents. If the reasons you stated are the real reasons you don't want to watch him, maybe you need to talk with your DH before custody issues are ever changed. If he got custody I would hope that your attitude about wanting him to hate it with mom would change, or it could do serious damage emotionally to the child. Unless there are reasons that the child should not be with his mother (some kind of abuse from her end) in which case I apologize if I offend. I am just a big believer in Shared parenting, and even in my case would never deny the BM access of any kind to the children if they lived with us. I would hope that she would want to be involved in their lives. And I would encourage the children to work on a relationship with her.

Besides the child is only 6, do you really think this will teach him anything? He is a child, a very young child and he will only see it as you don't want him there.

Elle36's picture

Submitted by Elle36 on Thu, 02/15/2007 - 4:01pm

I understand your statement. One thing a parent can be denied custody is isolation of children with friends, peers, etc. this is a form of child abuse Mom makes no attempt for child to have friends. She has told child and us that there isn't any kids in her neighborhood and he can just play with her. Child believes this because why would Mom lie. My husband and I know first hand of all the kids in her neighborhood. Three boys are in his Sunday school class and one actually lives three doors down this boy's parents have even asked for SS to come over and play but BMoM says he can't OR has told son that these kids parents don't allow them to go to another child's house or yard. Harsh The harshness we see is a child crying his eyes out that he has no friends. Yes I agree family time is important but that is all she does with him on her weeks. She has never taken him to school functions and when we ask him the next week if he liked "Family Fun nite at school" he knows nothing about it. Her time with her son ALWAYS includes her parents. Weekends are spent with them. Vacations are with them. No other kids are around. She is willing to drive 30 minutes to eat dinner with her parents and spend the evening with them instead of letting her son learn who is in his neighborhood and become friends. You cannot tell me this is positive for a child. When I first met this child he had no social skills what-so-ever. He didn't know how to play with other children.

I want this boy more than ever in our home. We go out of our way to make sure he is involved with church, sports, boys scouts. She does not allow him to go to church on our weeks and has flat out told her son no because Sundays are when they get together with all her family. We are afraid Mom will never let son be an individual or either Mom is so possessive she will never let him out of her site. So yes I do not want him with her all the time. But yet he needs to see that life with her is boring and he has no one to play with (he sits in grandmas house all day during the summer) those are his words not ours or mine.