What Should I Do?

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My DH is going through conflict with his youngest son, age 19. It seems like the more my DH reaches out to his son, the more the son retreats. We have not seen this child since late May when he graduated high school, so 6 months! In early November, YSS had his birthday and my DH called him, asked to see him (YSS still lives with mother and stepfather), talked about having a gift here for his birthday--a simple "miss you, let's get together" type call. YSS acts "depressed" to my DH and gets off the phone saying he'll call DH back later that day. We didn't hear back from this grown child for 2 days.

What gets to my DH and me is a couple months ago (if that) this YSS calls to tell him he needs a co-signer on a $10,000 car note. My DH tells him no, that he has POOR credit and even if he had good credit he wouldn't do it as we're barely making bills with his work hours getting cut where we're just getting by to make our own bills. YSS wrecked the 1st car he was given by his mother and stepdad for graduation, then bought a piece of crap truck (without having my DH or another qualified male check it out first) where the transmission blew, and is now going around with the "pity me" approach that he can't afford to get a car. He was going into the Navy but chose to drop out and is now working at a local Subway sandwich place (as seen on tv).

It seems YSS will do anything to please his girlfriend. We find out via Facebook he buys this gal an expensive diamond heart necklace for their one year anniversary from Kay Jeweler as yes, the box it came in was in a photograph he had on there. My DH can't do enough begging and pleading to get his son to visit or us go visit him and the girlfriend..whatever it takes to just have time together and it is not yielding any results other than my DH is getting upset and feels like his youngest son is doing the same as his oldest and will eventually cut all ties. DH's oldest son and he haven't seen each other in 3.5 years and we can't get that son to admit why the relationship is strained either. 2 sons from 2 different marriages and neither seem to want to do anything with their real dad but the stepdads and biological mothers hang the moon.

I hate seeing my DH hurt like this. It is so hard to not really mention much of his children to him but my therapist says I need to detach, leave him to deal with his children and how they mistreat him, and let DH see for himself the relationships he has with most of the children are "one sided" where he's the only one who really cares about staying in touch. At what point do you say "forget it" and realize your children are using you and let go? It drains me to watch my DH try so hard and keep getting rejected. He made a comment earlier today that this senior girlfriend in high school must be something else for his son to pretty much shun his own family to spend every free minute with her. This girlfriend YSS is so "in love" with got a scholarship to a college several hours away and he doesn't have the money to move where she'll be. YSD tells me her brother is talking marriage to this gal already once they both finish college. How can you go to much less finish college when you give your girlfriend a diamond necklace instead of using the money to buy a car that will get you back and forth to work? I'm disappointed the YSS gave up the Navy from being scared by a friend of his who is currently enlisted to loving this girl so much. He would've had such a promising future given neither my DH or his mother have the financial means to send him to college.

I just think it's odd he has dated this girl for a year and we've only met her once, at his high school graduation. Wouldn't she question that he rarely talks about his dad or goes to visit him? She is hanging out with YSS' brothers and sisters, the bio mom and stepdad but not us. Maybe we're just not "family" to him anymore. We can't give him the world so I guess his love is conditional. Now I wonder if he'll even bother coming to see us to get his birthday present before Christmas. We don't know where YSS lives now other than he lives with mom and stepdad and they moved to the new place, a two bedroom apartment, in July. What does that tell you? YSS tells his dad he's depressed on his 19th birthday, then doesn't call DH back for two days. My DH was frantic thinking his son was going to do something stupid like get a DUI from the tone of his son's voice. Watching my DH worry like that only made me more ticked. I hate watching how the children treat DH. It's not a Burger King life. You can't always have things YOUR way. The parents divorced and you must deal with it. Becoming an adult should mean you respect your parents but boy do I wonder about these children!

So every few days my DH brings this son up and it's all I can do to not go off on a tyrade and call the child a loser who uses. DH even found some affordable cars for his son to purchase and YSS said he had no money. Well heck yeah. He just HAD to buy that diamond heart necklace and make the rest of us think we should help him if our financial situation gets better. If it were up to me, I'd take the birthday and Christmas gift cards and use them on myself but DH is too kind. All his son has to do is come visit and he'll get the gifts as if nothing ever happened all these past 6 months of being nothing more than a "throw me a dog biscuit" or "call if you need money" phone call to my husband.

What would you do if you were me? My DH says he won't contact his son and let it rest then he's text messaging him in hopes of having some form of contact. Personally I think the YSS is playing my DH but wanted your thoughts. I hate watching my DH be a Dad of convenience.

Eyes2 blue I think that your

Eyes2 blue I think that your husband is in the same situation that mine is regarding his kids. Like your YSS my stepkids wanted money, found out their father had little to give/inherit, so they have discarded him and refuse to speak to him. They have also, like your YSS, resorted to emotional blackmail - not speaking to him to try to get what they want - money.

Basically what they are telling their fathers is that their value as a father is only as good as the amount of money in their bank accounts!

In my opinion this is deplorable behavior and I would be appalled if my own children ever hinted at anything like this!

Our husbands are upset because their adult children have rejected them not for any real thing they have done or not done (or anything that is even within their (Husbands) control) but because they can not support them in the style to which the grown skids would like for them to.

It is hard to wrap your mind around this logic. As a 17 year old I knew that my parents had financial limitations that would require that I get scholarships, grants, loans, and work to go to college and to buy a car. It never entered my mind to resent them or devalue them because they could not provide me more. I was still paying off my own student loans when I took on the repsonsiblity for my two skids! So for my step kids at 30 + years old to act as though I or my husband owes them anything is hard for me to comprehend.

It could be that after hearing from BM (over 28 years of bitterness because of the divorce on her part) for years about what a good for nothing their father is/was that this becomes ingrained within their limited minds and they can not see beyond what has been repeated over and over for years. My husband was a good and kind father. He was not an absent father, he was as involved as the BM let him be, he paid child support on time, and he took the children places and did special things with them. He did not have unlimted funds to spend on them due to the amount of child support he paid. His adult son has even had the nerve to belittle the amount of child suport my husband paid over 28 years ago! However, what H paid out 28 years ago would be equal to 3x that amount today and I would like to see my adult SS come up with that extra amount out of his check each month! There were many months when my husband barely made enough to pay the child support so you know who had to pick up the slack as well as pay my own bills! So is it any wonder that I think of the skids now as ingrates! Ironically, I still do not regularly spend the amount of money that H paid over 28 years ago on my own 2 BDs each month! This is one reason why the adult skids whining about how little they get compared to my BDs illicits no sympathy from me!

I can only sympathize with you on this as I do not know how to make it any better for my own husband. I have disengaged so I no longer ask my husband about hs grown kids and no longer assume responsiblity for how he feels because of skids actions. Disengaging has made it much better for me.

While he is not happy with the situation, husband seems to have accepted it finally as he has done all he can to get them to speak to him. You can only chase after somemone for so long then you have to give it up. It is up to the skids now to try to contact him if they ever decide to. If not, I quess we would have to say the evil BM and all of her PAS finally got her what she wanted!

Meanwhile we are going sbout living our lives with our own BDs. I refuse to allow our skids negativity, bad behavior, temper tantrums, and emotional blackmail or my husband's ex's PAS to negatively affect our BD's lives. Our BDs are entitled to a decent childhood the same as their spoiled entitled grown stepbrother and step sister were provided!

It is unfortunate, but alot

It is unfortunate, but alot of divorced dads wind up in this situation. In this case it usually is the BMs fault because for all of the years that the children were growing up in the divorced family, that's all dad WAS good for in the form of CS. Well, now these kids grow up and CS stops and then they get smacked with reality.

Now dad isn't paying CS anymore but it is ingrained in the kids' heads that dad is only good for a paycheck. It is really sad. If BMs didn't discuss this aspect with the children, I don't believe this would happen. They truly learn by example.

Will your H "detach" from

Will your H "detach" from the situation if he has your support?

This is really common with adult kids/skids, and sometimes you just have to let the "kid" get their act together and just leave it alone. At some point, hopefully, the "kid" will grow up and start acting like an adult.

I'm so glad your therapist is encouraging you to detach and let him handle it. Do you and your H make your OWN plans or is everything revolving around the "kids"? Maybe you and your H need to spend a weekend away. You don't need lots of money to do it, just get a place and relax.

Perhaps if the "kids" learn to RESPECT that their dad has a life, too, and it doesn't revolve around them they will act more respectfully all around.

Just a thought. It's kind of like the watched pot. The more you obsess over it, the less likely it is to respond!! Sometimes if you just concentrate on your OWN issues, things fall in place. (This is such a common theme here!!)

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."-Eleanor Roosevelt

My husband dreads detaching.

My husband dreads detaching. This situation is breaking his heart. His son's birthday was November 8th and he still hasn't come over for his gift or agreed to go meet somewhere for a meal out to get it (and bring girlfriend too as she is invited). DH's oldest son hasn't been a part of his life in over 3.5 years and he doesn't want history to repeat itself. Yes, it weighs on his mind but he knows there's nothing he can do if both his biological sons turn on him. To this day we don't know what set the oldest son off to stop communications. DH has left emails, voice mails, etc. and gets no response. We have a Christmas party at the oldest daughter's house on the 12th and oldest estranged son and family should be there. It will make for an interesting reunion as I've never met any of them.

Me (41). DH (turns 54 late November). Married since May 2007. DS (9) from my 1st marriage where that husband is deceased. I have 6 grown stepchildren who do not live with us. 4 biological and 2 my DH helped raise with his 2nd wife.

eyes2blue- you've never met

eyes2blue- you've never met the the Step (6 )children? How many have you met if any ? And how did that work out? OR if you haven't met any how do you feel this will go over.?
I am meeting My FH children this Christmas, for the first time.
I think it will be very interesting, since I've known all about them for years. He has 4 children and 5 grandchildren.
They just found out guests will be at the gathering. I'm the Guest LOL. Each day their getting a CLUE, he is so funny and humorous. So far they haven't guessed.( as of earlier today )
It was suppose to be a surprize, but after posting here, many said, he needs to tell the children, well he sort of has, indirectly. LOLOLOL
He currently has a great relationship with all 4 adult children, 2 daughters ( youngest children from 2nd marriage) , two sons,(oldest from 1st marriage) His EX wife #1 (they hate each other) mother of the boys, she has tried very hard to cause problems with the Father & Sons, and did for years.
I helped him work out the rough spots, the past 20 months, and it's like there never was any problems , they talk a lot now several times a day ( phone ), and see each other now alot or as often as they can ,their inseperatable now and back to doing guys things together, golfing, hiking etc. That was nipped in the butt, a while ago. And he is so "VERY HAPPY" and so are his sons !!
So as of now, everything is going smoothly and I hope it stays this way, time will tell. We have BIG plans, for our future as a family Unit.
I arrive in His/our Home the week before Christmas. And we are finishing up the final touches on the plans for me to move by Spring.
My middle daughter just had triplets, 8 weeks old, and my youngest is getting married in Spring, so I am pretty busy here taking care of all the family business.
Between the wedding, and the new babies, A back injury,and trying to sort, and clear out extra items from My house for garage sales, and closing up the house, before I leave(Spring).
I am hoping to be settled in my new home by April, or early May at the latest depending on how well my back heals. I'm going in the hospital,and having a Procedure done tomorrow afternoon to pin point the pain in my lower back.

I am excited and a little nervous, but feel this will be a good family Christmas Dinner party, that we are hosting.
So my clairvoyance has helped me in many ways, with the new family, at least I believe it has in many ways.

I've met all the

I've met all the stepchildren but the 29 year old male atheist and his family. Not all received me warmly but they were told by their Dad to accept me or get rejected by him. Most of them have come around but I'm not close friends to any of them. YSD is my biggest ally but she gets on my nerves the most.

Eyes- Theres NOT much you

Eyes- Theres NOT much you can do...Just Love your husband. Maybe in time they will warm up to you a little more..which would be nice. But what ever you do, don't critize his children,their still his, and no matter how bad we think they are,they'll always be his good or bad.
I have found many kids 19 yrs old, especially boys will do anything for the Girl they love.Plus she's going away to college..He probably bought that heart NOT caring about the price to prove his love for her.
My grandson, the same age now, did about the same thing for his girl $550.00 ring, that we dissaproved of..due to the price. And he didn't have a car either.
And now she's his EX LOLOL So boys tend to do that, with girls.
I did notice BOYS, are a lot slower in maturity. When I compare them age wise to girls. When your DH Birthday comes up, maybe have a Party for him, don't tell him, and Invite the Kids. Make sure you get RSVP's and then confirm again. Hopefully they will show up, for their dad. Show them what a spectacular person you are, just be kind and yourself.
I know my FH son the oldest 36 -2 yrs ago was hardly talking to him, due to the EX, he slowly started talking to him showing interest. Then they met for Lunch and FH talked to him, "Man to Man" and what he expected.
They didn't meet eye to eye on everything But came to terms on 90%
The Ex-BM filled the boys heads with Bull SH** and has always tried to put a wedge between them and for a time she had. NOW - things have changed. Once he understood his dads position, he's like a new son. They talk several times a day and have seen each other,many times, Golf together now and then, when they are in town.
Now the EX BM is Pissed. oldest BS invited MY FH his(dad)to the New home for a week. EX-BM wanted to go, OBS told her NO..DAD comes first since he still works,and has limited time, you can come anytime. She went bezerk, when she couldn't control OBS and the situation .
Now she treats him OBS terrible, when she was once close to him,because she didn't get her way. Another problem is The oldest Son looks Just Like FH so she takes that out on the kid. they are Almost Identical in Looks LOL
She treats youngest son GREAT, he looks like her and her family.
People have their reasons for treating others badly..even if we don't understand their reasoning. Trying to figure it out will drive us nuts
Just be yourself..hold your tongue and Love him & except the children as they are. We're NOT going to change them.
My plan is to be myself. be the kind, caring & compassionate person I am.
I think since ALL his kids have been treated badly by his EX's and girl friends..I might be a breath of fresh air.
MY FH tells me they will Love me..Once they realize I am NO threat, to the family financially,since I have my own money & home & busineses.
THEY will know, just by the way they see how I treat him,( very lovingly )..and sincere.
Many adult kids just want to know, their parents are happy and who ever makes them happy, they usually are grateful for and when daddys happy Kids are usually happy.
When they see a lady Like a GOLD digger, they tend to want to protect daddy and don't trust or even Like the lady. and then Some don't give her a chance.
I only have a few days left...till i join them...But very excited to meet them all.!! I've waited a LONG time, for this introduction LOL

I'm the wealthy one in this

I'm the wealthy one in this marriage (six figures and then some invested for my retirement) and view DH's kids as gold diggers. Before we married they knew how poor he was (try living on ramen noodles, being late with rent, barely having gas to commute for work, etc.) and view what I have as his and theirs--how sad. I used to enjoy doing nice things for them out of the kindness of my heart at my discretion, but now they expect me to "pay" for things they have no business asking me for like college education, cars, clothes for their children, etc. It would be different if they were more interested in their dad as a person but DH and I have had many talks that he doesn't want me spending my money on his children because he doesn't really help my son out (My 9 year old gets death benefits from his dad through SSI, college funded from life insurance) and they are grown.

My therapist says I must contain, contain, contain. No matter how much I want to I'm not to bad mouth my husband's children. He has to open his eyes and see who they are for himself without my intervention. We've had long talks and he dreads Christmas as much as I do. I talked about sending invitations to them all to come over the Saturday after Christmas for finger foods and he told me not to bother. He said his feelings would only get more hurt if I went to that kind of trouble and no one showed up as they are not the type to R.S.V.P. I'd have a full house if everyone came but like the therapist says, love can't be forced. It seems like the more we "push" to get them to draw near to us, the worse it gets and we're both coming to the conclusion our little family of 3 that lives in the same house is pretty much our only family short of our parents and our own brothers. We are trying to work on a plan to not be in town locally for holidays it has gotten so depressing for my husband. He knows at least if we travel out of state to see my family he is WELL received.

My DH will be Me (41). DH (turns 54 late November). Married since May 2007. DS (9) from my 1st marriage where that husband is deceased. I have 6 grown stepchildren who do not live with us. 4 biological and 2 my DH helped raise with his 2nd wife.

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