I would really like a forum for custodial stepparents. The issues I face, the dynamic, my role are all very different from a joint or noncustodial situation which seem to be the majority.
I agree- there is also the fact that, at least in my situation, bm is for the most part absent. Coparenting is not an issue but parenting a child with an absent parent (and an emotional/psychological attachment to me) is. I would like to be able to have a place to talk to other custodial stepparents about how they handle questions from kiddo, reappearances of bm, counseling or no counseling for kiddo, explaining why bm is not present, the emotional stress of raising / loving a child you have no legal attachment to, etc.
We are legally 50/50 but have the skids 90% of the time. It is a different dynamic. There are no breaks. And if your spouse doesn't recognize you as an equal (mine doesn't, I get the YOU HATE MY KIDS routine all the fucking time) then you have a nutty dynamic of a home and family that EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. you do not feel included in or a part of.
Most definitely the situation of Custodial SPs is different than NCSparents and 50/50 Sparents. In many ways I believe being a full time CSP is far easier than being a SParent to an intermittently present kid. We are not as burdened by behaviors that our Skids can pick up from extensive exposure to a toxic blended family opposition. If it is a long distance visitation situation we are even less burdened by kid behavioral issues driven by transiting between homes frequently and the associated drama than the NCSPs and 50/50SPs are.
I was the custodial SParent to my SKid for nearly 17 years of our Court Order. He is now 21 and a viable self supporting adult on his own so though I am his dad and always will be I am no longer a custodial SParent. His mom and I will celebrate our 20th anniversary this year. I have been his dad since before he turned 2yo. I will always be his only REAL dad and his mom and I will always have his back, be his sounding board, give him advice, point out his stupid behaviors if and when they happen and be the home he returns to for the holidays or when he needs a shoulder or 4 to cry on.
As CSPs we do have to struggle with the usual "You’re not my mom/dad" crisis times, the "My mom/dad says I don't have to listen to you" crap, the "My grandma says I can't call you mom/dad because you are not my REAL mom/dad" and countless other toxic manipulations by the opposition. However, reality remains that we have far more influence over the Skids who are resident in our homes and families than their NCP BioParent and the extended NCP clan will have. This is particularly true if we become Sparents when the Skid(s) are young.
In many cases having a strong NCSP is a good thing for the Skids since even with our flawed family law system and the frequently asinine rulings of the usual bottom 10%ers of the legal profession who often seem to end up on the family law bench we and our SOs are the ones that most impact the Skids lives , can counter any NCP and NCP clan toxic manipulations and we are part of the marriage that will determine whether or not Skids will end up as viable adults of character.
I would not trade situations with an NCSP for anything. The horror stories of Sparenting are much more frequent in the lives of NCSPs and 50/50SPs than they are for CSPs. This community and many other Sparenting communities are full the testaments to that fact. Not that some CSPs are not cursed with nightmare Skids and situations.
Being an equity partner to our SO's and being an equity parent to any kids in our homes regardless of biology is critical for any Sparent including CSPs. To me this is the biggest success factor for any Sparent regardless of CSP, NCSP or 50/50SP.
i think there should be one! lots of people have these " i regret when the kids are coming" posts and the kid is ALWAYS with us there is no break! While some issues can be similar there are plenty that i wonder if only CSPs have to deal with.
I would so appreciate one!I totally agree with everyone here. Being a full time step parent has "extra baggage" if you will. I've been searching the forum for topics and they are fewer because of the difference in time.
This is true! Makes you more
This is true! Makes you more like an adoptive parent, I think. Which has significantly more clout than those of us who are "just" stepparents!
I agree- there is also the
I agree- there is also the fact that, at least in my situation, bm is for the most part absent. Coparenting is not an issue but parenting a child with an absent parent (and an emotional/psychological attachment to me) is. I would like to be able to have a place to talk to other custodial stepparents about how they handle questions from kiddo, reappearances of bm, counseling or no counseling for kiddo, explaining why bm is not present, the emotional stress of raising / loving a child you have no legal attachment to, etc.
We are legally 50/50 but have
We are legally 50/50 but have the skids 90% of the time. It is a different dynamic. There are no breaks. And if your spouse doesn't recognize you as an equal (mine doesn't, I get the YOU HATE MY KIDS routine all the fucking time) then you have a nutty dynamic of a home and family that EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. you do not feel included in or a part of.
Most definitely the situation
Most definitely the situation of Custodial SPs is different than NCSparents and 50/50 Sparents. In many ways I believe being a full time CSP is far easier than being a SParent to an intermittently present kid. We are not as burdened by behaviors that our Skids can pick up from extensive exposure to a toxic blended family opposition. If it is a long distance visitation situation we are even less burdened by kid behavioral issues driven by transiting between homes frequently and the associated drama than the NCSPs and 50/50SPs are.
I was the custodial SParent to my SKid for nearly 17 years of our Court Order. He is now 21 and a viable self supporting adult on his own so though I am his dad and always will be I am no longer a custodial SParent. His mom and I will celebrate our 20th anniversary this year. I have been his dad since before he turned 2yo. I will always be his only REAL dad and his mom and I will always have his back, be his sounding board, give him advice, point out his stupid behaviors if and when they happen and be the home he returns to for the holidays or when he needs a shoulder or 4 to cry on.
As CSPs we do have to struggle with the usual "You’re not my mom/dad" crisis times, the "My mom/dad says I don't have to listen to you" crap, the "My grandma says I can't call you mom/dad because you are not my REAL mom/dad" and countless other toxic manipulations by the opposition. However, reality remains that we have far more influence over the Skids who are resident in our homes and families than their NCP BioParent and the extended NCP clan will have. This is particularly true if we become Sparents when the Skid(s) are young.
In many cases having a strong NCSP is a good thing for the Skids since even with our flawed family law system and the frequently asinine rulings of the usual bottom 10%ers of the legal profession who often seem to end up on the family law bench we and our SOs are the ones that most impact the Skids lives , can counter any NCP and NCP clan toxic manipulations and we are part of the marriage that will determine whether or not Skids will end up as viable adults of character.
I would not trade situations with an NCSP for anything. The horror stories of Sparenting are much more frequent in the lives of NCSPs and 50/50SPs than they are for CSPs. This community and many other Sparenting communities are full the testaments to that fact. Not that some CSPs are not cursed with nightmare Skids and situations.
Being an equity partner to our SO's and being an equity parent to any kids in our homes regardless of biology is critical for any Sparent including CSPs. To me this is the biggest success factor for any Sparent regardless of CSP, NCSP or 50/50SP.
IMHO of course.
i think there should be one!
i think there should be one! lots of people have these " i regret when the kids are coming" posts and the kid is ALWAYS with us there is no break! While some issues can be similar there are plenty that i wonder if only CSPs have to deal with.
I would so appreciate one!I
I would so appreciate one!I totally agree with everyone here. Being a full time step parent has "extra baggage" if you will. I've been searching the forum for topics and they are fewer because of the difference in time.
I came to this part of the
I came to this part of the forums to suggest this very thing!