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Soon to be step daughter acting out horribly

Jcolem27's picture

I don't even know where to begin. I am pregnant and expecting my first to be here any day now. According to the doctor, he should have been here by Thursday. Anyway, my SO has a 9 year old daughter and she has been acting progressively worse over the past year. She is such a sweet tender hearted kid and loves animals and almost all other kids her age. My issues are this....she is incredibly jealous of this new baby who will be her brother. I have tried everything that I can think of to try to make her feel included and explain to her that although this baby is coming, it doesn't change her place in my or her fathers life. A couple weeks ago she acted like she was going to punch me in the stomach. I've tried to talk to her about it but she literally would not even make eye contact with me or even acknowledge the fact that I was speaking, except for rolling her eyes. I asked her this past weekend how she felt about the baby being here soon. I tried to get her excited about playing the big sister role etc etc. she told me she doesn't care when he comes because she doesn't like him. She also followed that with "Im jealous and I shouldn't have to like him." I can understand her feelings, after all she is a child. However, the way she has been acting have made me come to seriously resent her. A few months back, she came into our room in the middle of the night and straight up PUNCHED me in the back and was screaming at me about how "it's not fair I get to sleep with her dad and she has to sleep all alone!!!!!" So what did Dad do? He got up and went to sleep with her!!!! wth!? He has slept on the couch with her every weekend since then. Some may say I'm selfish for this bothering me, but here's my problem/s with it. He works third shift all week, and he gets her every night he has off. I have not shared a bed with him in months. The only nights that he has of and doesn't have her are his guy nights when he goes out and drinks a little and has his time. He's 30. I get that he needs that for sanity, but here's the thing, so do I! I've had a really challenging pregnancy and that has resulted in me being off work the past two weeks. Since then, SDs BM has relied on me as babysitter when she has to go to work at her fast food job. I love this little girl, I really do. But I'm out of work for a reason. My blood pressure is high. I have to monitor it 3-5times daily. I've begged my doc to give me until Wednesday to try to start labor naturally before he does an induction. I made plans with my best friend, who is now going through a nasty divorce to come down today and go eat and get pedicures/just have a relaxing girls day. I told SO this and asked if he could wait yo get his daughter until after he is done with his annual safety training class for the mine. 10minutes later I hear him on the phone like, "Well just bring her over at 11 then." So I had to cancel my plans to babysit her. I know some people would say just take her with etc, but she is not a normal child. My cousin stopped by for 10minutes to talk to me when it wa just her and I last week and she was standing there the whole time we were trying to talk going "this is so boring I hate this. I wish someone would just run over me. This is so stupid etc etc" then she picked up a rock and started writing on the side if my SOs car with it!!!! I got onto her for that and she climbed on top of the car and continued acting out. She has NO respect at all and I can't tolerate it. When I talk to SO about all of it he says "I'm 30 don't try to tell me how to parent my kid...if you really want to piss me off go ahead and try to come between her and I....if you had your kid only on the weekends you would sleep with them and want to just let them have fun too..." I seriously can't even stand the thought of being around her now. I have sat and cried all night and morning dreading her mom dropping her off. I feel like this child has so much control over my life and my happiness and that my son is going to lose his father if I try to take it back. I feel like a bitch and so guilty because of how I feel toward her. I don't know where to start or what to do. I know lashing out at her is not right, but I have already envisioned how good it would feel to tell her like it is and discipline her bratty ass for her awful behavior when she comes over, whether I have dad's approval or not. Oh and the icing on the cake. She's scared to sleep in her room at our new house and BM says we ant make her sleep up there....ummmm I am about to pop out a newborn. I am not going to have a 9 almost 10 year old sleeping in my bed and ruling my life. I don't think it's appropriate for her to sleep with me or dad at this age anyway! And I'm going to need to living room space. Id jbt want to feel confined to the baby's room while she's over at night. God what do I do. I'm about to throw in the towel.

Peaches's picture

I had an issue with DH saying the whole "I only have them on the weekend so of course I want them to do xyz and have fun", and I retaliated with something along the lines of, "if that's the type of 'parenting' you want to instill in your children then I guess BS2 will be better off only seeing you EOWE so he can have 'fun daddy' too". Needless to say, he did not like that idea one bit. Also, a 9 year old girl will start budding breasts soon, is it really appropriate to be sleeping with her like that? What if her BM turns around and cries sexual abuse (when there is obviously none)?
Another thing that may or may not help, I got it from Step Talk and have said it to my SS's when BS was born and they felt leftout. "You were in my heart before BS was even made so don't think you're any less special", he beamed at that.
Good luck!

Jcolem27's picture

Thanks or the advice. In my post it makes it seem like SO is a POS but that's not the case or I would have been done with this long ago. He does punish her, but we just have a hard time agreeing upon what is appropriate. And I do feel like he is pretty inconsiderate of me. However he has sat down with SD and talked with her about expectations with baby and her behavior etc. luckily BM, he, and I communicate great. BM is all for SD sleeping I her own room but she has been having night terrors. BM says she is "too damn old for we da to treat her like a baby." I think SD is stressed and doesn't know her role once my LO is here. Like I said, I love her. No she is not my child but I have been part I her life, as a friend of her dads, since she was 3. We didn't get together until she was 6. I love that I can vent on here without being judged. Anyone else i have talked to has made me feel really guilty and like in am just a selfish beezy

oneoffour's picture

First, tell this 9 yr old that she doesn't need to like YOUR baby boy. In fact she isn't to go near him, touch him, look at him. For her he doesn't exist. Within a few weeks she will be dying to hold him and play with him. This is when you remind her of her words and ask if she has anything to say.

Some kids take to the "this will be your brother/sister" scenario willingly. This little girl has had Daddy to herself for so long that anyone rocking to boat will put her into a tailspin. So as far as you are concerned to her he isn't her 'brother'. HE will be her father's son.

In saying this these 2 parents are taking advantage of you. I would not have cancelled a spa day for anyone barring ICU hospitalisation. You have to get better at standing up for yourself and saying "Sorry, I have plans. However SD doesn't like to spend time with me anyway and we don't want to hurt her feelings."

As for sleeping with you ... once you are healed and DH wants to resume activities just tell him no. He can only sleep with one female at a time and as long as he insists on sleeping with his daughter he isn't sleeping with you.

She behaves like this because she is allowed to behave like this. Her parents are responsible for her, not you.

Orange County Ca's picture

Obviously you're not going to leave your baby alone with this kid. Not for one second as that's all it takes.

Don't get married or have any more kids with the guy. This was a mistake and when you realize it you'll be leaving with your kid so don't make it harder than it already is.

Bojangles's picture

Your heading could easily be 'SO is acting out horribly'. You're a really nice understanding person and your SO is a guilty defensive Dad so you have become trapped into doing more than should be expected of you and accepting behaviour that is unacceptable from both him and his daughter.

Yes his daughter is obviously and understandably suffering from some very real insecurity and anxiety about her father having another baby with you, BUT understanding and support for her, which should come primarily from her father, needs to be balanced with clear limits on her behaviour and it is clear that nobody is setting those limits. The guilty parenting not only increases her sense that you and her Dad have something to feel guilty about, it also gives her free reign to do what many children would do in that position and start to exploit it to her advantage by acting out and pushing for more attention and privileges.

Several things are clear:
1. If you are at home for medical reasons associated with the pregnancy you should not be taking care of his daughter, particularly given her recent behaviour. You need to avoid stress. Whether she means to or not his daughter is creating stress which is dangerous for your pregnancy.
2. You have always been happy to support his relationship with his daughter and care about her, but it is not fair or right to disregard your plans, or take for granted that they can be rearranged at a moments notice. You needed that break with your friend, it would have been beneficial for you and the baby, it was completely wrong for him to ignore it and oblige you to babysit without even having the courtesy to ask you. If that happens again you should calmly continue with your plan, or he will never learn.
3. A couple needs to sleep together. It's damaging to your relationship to consistently sleep apart. A parent sleeping with a child can be appropriate for very occasional comfort when issues or illness occur, but if it's done long term it's a prop for the parent and affects the child's independence and confidence. At 9 she has to learn to self-soothe and resettle herself to sleep at night - that's a basic skill they learn as babies and she's losing it because your SO is pandering to her.
4. You're about to be a parent, you already help parent his child. Your views are worthy of respect and discussion. The pair of you cannot parent both children effectively if he does not understand that and frankly if he doesn't understand that your relationship will not be viable.

I know that it is probably very difficult to discuss these issues with your SO at the moment: emotions and anxiety are running high. But his behaviour to date, both in terms of his poor disciplining of his daughter, his defensive reaction to your sensible objections to his sleeping arrangements with her, his lack of consideration and support for you when you most need it, and prioritising his social life over time with you, do not bode well. You need to try to address this with him, as clearly and calmly as you can manage, before the baby arrives. Because if he can't listen to you, or discuss important problems, or compromise, then it is those factors, rather than the specific details of the issues, which will make your relationship unworkable. And if that's the case you need to know sooner rather than later because it will affect all your decisions regarding your and your baby's futures.