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Does anyone else do this?

Igiveupsotornupinside's picture

After being a step mom for 12 years and looking back at all the hell (granted there have been some good times but way too much hell), I find myself telling people who are dating others with kids and having issues venting to me, to run! Yes I tell them to get out of the relationship if they have NO bio kids with the guy.

An old friend called me today and she is dating someone who has kids and is dealing with a BM that is not so nice and the kids went from being really nice to her to being a nightmare at age 7 and 4. Sounds like she is dealing with a Disney dad and a dad who thinks its ok to be great friends with other women yet hide it from her and wait to get caught and then he explains. Ugh. I told her to run. I explained why using what I learned on here lol. I am just at that point. Granted I have a good DH but he learned to be a good DH through the hard times we BOTH went through.

Just wondering if others tell their friends or who ever to run too?

Cozy's picture

I would tell them the same thing. If they want a relationship, there are plenty of fish out there without the baggage of kids and exes.

bearcub25's picture

There may be those special men out there that can and do take 100% care of their children with ease and do a good job of it.

Sadly I have never met any of these men, including my Dad, Brother, Son, Son-in-Law, late Husband, and current DSO. I tell any of my kids young friends to find someone w/o kids, b/c it aint worth it.

Mercury's picture

I'm new at this. I was warned and I didn't listen. I figure no one would listen to me either if I tried to tell them how bad it can get. I was SO in love.

He was honest with me from the beginning. He told me his ex was a vindictive, manipulative, bitter monster. He said starting a relationship with him would be like starting a relationship with someone who had cancer. She was his cancer and even though he was fighting it hard, it can reoccur and I would have to be prepared for that. I listened but didn't really hear him. I thought he was exaggerating, everyone hates their ex. I just KNEW I would be able to handle it with grace.

It's getting better with time but I definitely didn't have a clue how it was all going to play out in reality and got in over my head, blinded by love.

Igiveupsotornupinside's picture

Oh I remember walking in and with the warnings that the oldest SD (we get along now) and his ex (both SDs mom) would be very difficult...I went in there smiling like I got this! Acting like Mama and all. I mean I knew I was step mom and never told the kids to call me Mom or anything, they called me by my first name but I took right on like I knew what I was doing. I would watch the kids while he worked to help him save on daycare. I started cleaning the house and doing laundry and the next thing you know, I am like a mother to them. I have no regrets as I have a great DH and two beautiful little girls as a result of all this but boy I wish I could go back in time. I would not have acted like a Mom, I would have set boundaries right away, I mean still cared for the kids but more as a STEP MOM and not as a door mat! BM loved this about me, she got the label of Mom while I did all the work. She got along with me and not DH, I now know why she chose to get along with me...I was her bitch!

I warn all to be very careful when entering a relationship like this especially if their heart is in it, my friend today I could tell her heart wasn't in it and she has only been with him since September so I told her to haul ass! Thank goodness she lives separate from him and in a different town so it should be easier for her.

Pilgrim Soul's picture

Mercury, i am actually very impressed with how aware your Dh was and how he tried to warn you with vivid images. Did he have a GF before you who got burned? You do not often meet that kind of brutal honesty. I admire him telling you to beware.

In my case, both me ( a SM in my first marriage also, but with MUCH better skids) and my DH were completely taken aback by how crazy the BM is and how vicious the skids are. She is like cancer... and she tries to grow all the time. We now have a lawyer and he gets the same treatment she used to dish to DH ( "Mr. So and So, you have some nerve! Could you be more pompous!" etc - the lawyer is left scratching his head all the time).

misSTEP's picture

I have told my friends my story and then cautioned them when they got involved with guys who have kids as well as given them my advice when asked (based on how cray-cray it seems the BM is).

I don't ever tell my friends to run because they would do whatever they wanted anyway. I know I did! Blum 3

dadsnewwife's picture

Being in my 50's, it was highly unlikely I'd find anyone WITHOUT kids, however, after reading MANY posts on here and on other websites for SMs, I would tell ANYONE to RUN! However, being a SM at ANY AGE, is a challenge. Teens can be the worst, or adult Skids can cause major emotional pain (as MINE ANd my dh's have done) or have drug addiction as my dh's sons have all had. What I HAVE learned is that most SMs don't have the unconditional love for their skids as we BMs have for our own. It would be unnatural if we did. BUT, it does cause us to enable (as my dh has done)way too long and expect the SM to do the same. I have also discovered that as a SM, I have NO SAY. I have been told MORE than once..."You're not his parent, so you have no say." Of course, I've said the same to HIM.

So, I'd say, if you're young...to h*** with love and find a man with no kids and HAVE YOUR OWN!

Towanda's picture

Oh yes, I tell them to run. Then when they don't listen, I try to get them not to get their feelings hurt.

Disillusioned's picture

I tell my sister that all the time Biggrin she has the disney dad DH, mini-wife SD and BM from hell situation...brutal!!!

MarriedaBallessWonder's picture

Hell, I've seen strangers on dates with men with children and you can tell they aren't married yet. It's all I can do to stop myself from walking up to them and telling them to run for their lives.

Pilgrim Soul's picture

I would do the exact same thing in a heartbeat. I do nto have any GFs seriously dating guys with kids, but i would certainly tell them in no uncertain terms to run. Good to know this impulse is pretty common.

Great thread, Igiveup!

Igiveupsotornupinside's picture

Well its nice to know that I am not alone in this tell my friends how it is lol. My friend said she is seeing him on Saturday and is going to end it. She had brought up so many huge red flags...I am like girl, seriously! Is this man worth it? Do you love him so much? Her answer...only been seeing him since September so not sure I love him...I said RUN! No kids with him and his kids are treating her so bad with things their BM tells them to say to her and now her own son is starting to act up just from being around those kids...I said run, take your boy and run!

Disillusioned's picture

Fearless....you are my hero!!!! Waaayyyyy too funny! And DEAD ON

peacemaker's picture

It's sad that such a delusional stereotype follows the role of a stepmom...I think from the beginning we have a rough road because of all the symptoms from a previous relationship that produced children...we had no part in damaging whatsoever (that is on their parents)...
stepkids who have a bitter BM are expected to hate us...it's their due owed to the loyalty bond with their BM...once again creating a very toxic culture...loving your stepmother would be hurtful to the bm, and after all, she is going to make them feel like they are reponsible for her emotional state because it is a venue she can use to manipulate her own children with...to win the game...A very short sighted game that is,,,,because the pre-madonna syndrome and prince of the universe attitude that they foster in their own children by leading them to believe that everything in the universe evolves around them...only leads to manufacturing a person in an adult body that will some day turn around and eat you both...and everyone you are connected to that they feel is a threat,,,,for lunch.....

...I think the negative drama they all share is a twisted, toxic type of bond that keeps them all prisoners of their very own man-made delusions...A very unhealthy soul tie....that I am not a part of because I did not help create all the brokeness in their lives...It was a pre=existing condition when I arrived...I really don't think they know who they are without it...It has literally become who they are...and most people I know make their decisions based on their identity and their personal core beliefs...it's deep seeded, and without an accurate remedy...they remain prisoners of their own thinking, and what they believe to be true,,,in there heart...

I think many of the issues I read about on this site, are all symptoms of a WAY deeper problem...They are all the same when you get down to it...For the life of me I have been searching what the deeper core issue is....I know the one common denominator we all have is that we have chosen to marry divorced men who have pre-existing children/with many unresolved issues ...therefore, creating all these symptoms... you can't keep beating your head up against a symptom, and expect things to get better...because if the core issue is not dealt with...another symptom pops up wearing a different mask...and the cycle begins to repeat itself over and over... where as a stepmom, you feel trapped on a merry-go-round that you cannot get off from unless you totally disengage...Well I have disengaged because, as adults now... none of them seem be working on their own issues...What the real issues are....So, I figured, if I pulled myself out completely....they would have to eventually, at the very least blame someone else...Well I had a huge epiphany, and I now realize I will never return to the merry-go-round, ever-again...nor am I going to waste any more of this precious life God gave me...just sitting there watching them...It's like watching a rerun over and over and over...sort of like the movie...ground hog day.

I'm quite uninterested in that process now, and have communicated with my H how I feel...He is finally seeing it for what it is...They still try to put Him in a position of choosing between Me or them, because it is all they know...after 25 plus years you would think they would get it...but...it goes back to their identity and their core beliefs.....they have now lowered themselves to the predictable move of pulling away the grandchildren. (A tactic taught to them by their BM) Well He has chosen...as we both leave the merry-go-round, hand in hand, running to try and catch a sunset or two...leaving all of them still on it spinning and spinning...as I look at him and say "How long do you think it will be before they notice we've left"? Then I catch myself and.... I think to myself...."Who Cares:?

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sandye21's picture

I agree - this is very well written. You mentioned that when the core issue is not dealt with symptoms come forth like donning a different mask. So true!!! Our DHs fail to have the courage to address those 'core issues' because it might erupt in a volcano of hostility, possibly losing their kids forever. Eventually they lose them anyway. Like you, I disengaged but then went a step further, banning SD from my home. You ask, "Who cares?" I DO, oh yes, I DO! I too jumped off the merry-go-round, and sometimes catch myself wondering when that day is going to come when SD appears on my door. But every once in a while I ask DH if she is has any remorse for her terrible behavior. He answers, "No." Then I can, again, say, "Then she stays away." Good insurance, don't you think?