I'm new and need advice!
Greetings to everyone here! I found this site by searching the internet on something that would allow me to vent about my stepson. I feel bad doing this but he is like nothing I've ever seen. He has known me since he was 8. It took awhile for him to warm up to me but we got through it. I noticed that his father (my husband now) pretty much let him have his way all the time. Discipline is not a big thing in our home. We've been married for almost 3 years. I've tried sooo hard to be a "friend" and not a mom per se as he splits his time between both houses and doesn't want another mother. I am leary of saying anything to him when he acts "like a teenager" because his father's way of dealing with him is very different that mine. The kid comes over here and pretty much sits around playing computer games or whining after his father. He wants 24/7 undivided attention from my husband. H and I went out of town for a little weekend get a way recently. Stepson called and called and called my husband. He told H he was hurt that we were not home and proceeding to be moody. He came back to our house this past Monday and again, did nothing but sit and wait for my husband to come home from work so he could hang on him all evening. I usually go upstairs to bed right after dinner because I don't want to watch. Yesterday when I picked him up from school he was rude and short with me. I pretty much try to ignore it because it won't do any good to say anything. He gets everything he wants, does nothing around the house and still collects allowance, won't walk his dog. It's always gimme, gimme, gimme. The ex likes to call at the last minute and ask my husband to keep him a few extra days while she travels. H never says no. I dread this weekend and the following week since he will be with us for 8 days straight. My husband is very protective of him. Last night stepson started crying when something didn't go his way. When I said something to him, he snapped back right in front of his dad who said nothing about the behavior. I feel that when he's with us I have to stay out of the house because I can't stand the tension. Any ideas would be helpful
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Comments
Here's my opinion/advice
Hi!!
First of all, all kids need discipline! You and your husband need to sit down and set some rules that you both think are reasonable. Then you all need to sit down together and present the rules to your stepson. There also needs to be consequences for breaking the rules.
Secondly, your husband has to back you up!! He shouldn't let his son treat you with disrespect!!! He needs to sit him down and talk to him, father to son and tell him that this is not how he should treat you.
Finally, it sounds like your stepson may have some other things going on and may need to see a counselor to figure out if there are some underlying problems that you don't know about.
Dawn
Today
First of all, thanks to Dawn for replying to my first blog!!! Your advice means alot to me and I could only wish it would happen. I am married to a man to thinks that his son does no wrong. If I say anything about the fact that my stepson basically ignores me my husband gets angry at me!!! I think my situation is hopeless and I should just learn to live with it. I'm sorry to bother anyone here.
I CAN RELATE Completely!!!!
Finally, Bobbie, someone I can relate with. I have the same exact problem here. Although my stepson lives with his mother primarily, he is with us during all school (holiday) breaks and the entire summer. Overall, he is a good kid, but very SPOILED. His mother does not know how to discipline nor does she know anything about consequences... (she called my husband recently crying that she cannot handle him anymore)... When stepson is with us, daddy lets him talk back (this is my really big issue), and as with your stepson, he sits around watching tv or waiting for someone to entertain him. Everytime I have tried to talk to daddy about it, he gets extremely defensive and we end up fighting. I am at my wits end and have basically decided to give up. Like you I have contemplated leaving the house whenever stepson is around. My husband and I have twin boys (16 mo), and I don't want them witnessing the talking back by big brother.
Don't Give In
BobbieT,
Don't give up Bobbie. There are things that can be done to make your life easier.
It sounds like your stepson has a lot of issues related to the separation of his parents. Have you talked to your husband about family counseling? Make no mistake, your stepson has issues that won't go away on their own and your husband is only encouraging him to continue. I've personally witnessed similar behavior in my son when he was younger, granted it wasn't as severe, but it was there.
My son, my wife and I have been seeing a family counselor on and off for a few years and it has worked wonders. From the sessions we attended we learned that my son needed a more stable and consistent environment and boys really need a good and reliable father figure to bond with. In the end, we ended up getting custody and my son turned out to be relatively well mannered and stable. As a matter of fact, we saw dramatic improvement in his attitude within weeks of the custody change. Even his BM has admitted that the change was for the better (something I would have never expected).
Bottom line is that divorce or separation of parents is traumatic on the children. The parents need to recognize this and deal with it instead of ignoring it and hoping it will get better. Seeing a family counselor and paying attention to what they say will help.
If nothing else Bobbie maybe you should talk to a counselor yourself. I would hope though that your husband would value his relationship with you enough to care about what you're going through and join you in counseling.
Good luck and keep us informed. Talking about your situation helps tremendously and you'll always find support.
Hold Your Head High and Don't Give Up
Hi Bobbie T,
I thought I had written you a quick note last week but it was probably with one of mine that I accidentally deleted as I was having a bad week myself last week. Don't give up or let your stepson rule what parts of the house you are going to stay in when he visits. That shouldn't happen. You are going to need to get help from your husband and make sure that you are both on the same page in regards to discipline and the way things will work when your stepson visits. It will be really hard at first because he will always be competing for your husband's attention. I would suggest you try to find some common interests or at least try to develop some because it will undoubtedly make things much easier for you. Your husband also needs to express and explain to your stepson that he needs private time with you as well. I would also suggest trying to bring in another party such as if you can do something on an incentive basis for good behavior to allow your stepson to have a friend over and take them to an arcade or movie. This is a big treat and will go far. It will also get him acting more independently which is what you want to be doing. It is going to take a lot of time and patience to get this new relationship on its feet and blossoming but hang in there and let us know how things are going. None of us ask for the baggage when we marry--we just take the "package" deal when we marry--it's one of the those all or nothing things that I was trying to explain about earlier last week.
It isn't always easier, but the rewards and sweetness can be worth it!
Thinking positive thoughts for you!
Regards,
Sweetie
Pain!
I married me husband almost a year ago. He was the most loving man and romantic man when we met. I knew about his son but he told me he was just a regular teenager with regular teenage problems. I believed him.
After we got married I realized how spoiled he was. He was 17 and dropped out of school in ninth grade. He did not want to work. He sat home and played video games all day. He would call us and complain that he was bored. At first I thought he was having just a bad time because my husband told me his mother was crazy and drove him nuts. But I started realizing soon that he was a attention seeker and used his parents against each other to get whatever he wanted. He mother was worse she let him get away with everything. She also used her son to emotionally blackmail my husband. So he would spoil his son even more just to have him on his side. He would call at night to have Piza delivered to him at middle of the night. He ran away from home 7 to 8 times and always came back since he cannot take care of himself. My husband always ignored me during these times. In fact one time he told me to leave since his son needed him more then me. Later that afternoon he called me from police station to bail him out. His ex had put retaining order against him for picking up their son without her permission. I went and bailed him out. The list is long and I can go on and on.
But I kept fooling myself thinking he will change. Now I am pregnant and my stepson is 18. He is still doing what he always did. His parents bought him a ticket to go to NY. He stayed there one night got sick and his mother had to fly down there to pick him up. My husband ignored me all this time as if his son was a victim. I feel lost. I am not sure if I should stay here anymore. I want to leave and raise my child on my own. I need some good advice. Should I stay or should I leave? Is it ever going to change?
I never thought that getting pregnant will become the most painful experience of my life. I thought getting pregnant will be the most beautiful experience for me and my hubby to share. But he is so pre occupied with his son and I am not sure anymore.