A little harsh...
I want to apologize to anyone here I offend in regards to children/Skids/DHs. I guess after I found out about my SS, my tolerance for people disregarding their responsibilities for their biological children really makes me fume. We, the step parent, cannot say a word or do anything because these bratty, a-hole Skids get away with everything and anything. In other words, I feel that we've married cowards.
I have had to become heartless over the situation over my SS who is in prison. My DH says that he's trying to put on a tough act but is actually scared. My GAS factor is zero (GAS-give a ****) and I frankly don't care about what happens to him any longer. I've made it clear to DH and to counselor that I want nothing to do with SS because he doesn't care about anyone but himself. I did not walk into this relationship having to be a stepmother to a pedophile and having an enabling MIL that has made the situation with his grandson WORSE.
Yes, you can say I'm angry and there are times when I want out. I want, at times, to run for the hills however, what would that solve? The counseling is supposed to let DH know the extent of the sickness his son, the issues involved for him now that he's in the GENERAL population being a sex offender. They don't know and he's afraid if they DO know...
So forgive me if I come off harsh, or as some would say "see things in black and white". I guess I'm just really fed up with how badly we step parents are treated by not only the Skids but how we're supposed to "put up" with the antics of everyone who is supposed to love us. For better and for worse, the vows say but when does our Higher Power tell us when enough is enough?
Sadly, enough is enough to me and I've said my peace. If things don't change, and I've said this (and there is a 6 month time period) to the counselor, I will leave the marriage as I have dealt with enough in my life not to have any more complications. My whole life has been about abuse, lies, insults, people playing God, being obese and dealing with selfish narcissists that I don't need another chapter of insanity to complicate my life.
I have things to work on that do not concern an extended family full of dysfunction. I know some of you think I should leave but I want to give DH a chance to fix the situation that was caused by his family. Otherwise, I'm going to go live by myself in peace and get my life back on track.
Thank you for understanding.
I just want to give you a
I just want to give you a hug!! You and your family have been through so much. I really do hope that your DH can come out of this and the 2 of you be there for each other.
Is your SS the one who raped
Is your SS the one who raped a child in your home? How can even his father stomach the sight of him?
I do not have children but I do not see how even a parent could continue to support a pedophile rapist. I mean how much lower can one go in life? I just feel too strongly about not allowing crap in my life.
I could not stay in a marriage with a man who could accept such behavior from his son. That son should be dead to both of you.
Oldone, yes, it was my SS who
Oldone, yes, it was my SS who raped a 13 year old in our home and is now in prison. I cannot nor do not support such a vile disgusting piece of filth and I've called him that in front of DH. How can his father stomach the sight of him?
You know, when I see the counselor on Monday with DH, I'm going to ask that question because that really needs to be brought up. How can a parent be able to love a child that does that to CHILDREN???? SS's life will be filled with continued hate, no trust, and Goddess knows whatever else. I know that this is his child and that he loves his kid but I think the love stems from feeling sorry for the childhood he had without his BM. He's had all of these disappointments however I've had (and I'm sure many of you too) have had a terrible/horrible life full of abuse, neglect, hate, and abandonment that you look at SS's life and at least he HAD a family to be there with him.
It's ironic I think that after all I've been through in my life, that I'm the one sitting here standing tall and knowing right from wrong while spoiled brat is sitting in prison wondering if he's going to be living another day or not.
If my biological child did this, you know I would have nothing more to do with the child and that's that. I would not look back, I would have NOTHING to do with the child and DH needs to stop feeling sorry for his son.
I told Counselor that I blame his mother and his son for ruining the first year of our marriage and I am wary that this drama is going to happen again. Yes, I am probably numb, I'm probably sick of dealing with drama...and yeah, maybe I need to be alone to concentrate on myself.
I didn't ask for any of this and I'll be d*mned if I'm going to let it continue further. At 43 years old, I shouldn't be going through this s***!!!!!!
my heart and huge hugs go out
my heart and huge hugs go out to you! as Step - Parents we often feel alone and powerless, but you have all the power you need to no longer feel like a victim. Whether you choose to stay or leave, you can take your power back and live your life! I like your time line, I like your drive and have your plan and stick to it! Good luck to you!
LadyG, You are probably too
LadyG, You are probably too over-saturated and numb from what SS has pulled that it is hard to get up the enrgy to deal with your DH. I know - I've been there. You can only deal with a certain level of emotional assault and this is just too overwhelming for anyone. If I were in your shoes I wouldn't know what to do.
As for being too harsh, the only one I think you've been too harsh on is yourself. Please take special time, just for you. Take a day off from all of it. Escape to someplace you love and leave DH and SS to deal with themselves. Maybe the silence and alone time will allow you to gain clarity. Then move on to what you can handle.
Thank YOU all for giving me
Thank YOU all for giving me the strength to speak up and speak out. I'm so d*mn angry that we step parents (man and woman alike) are treated like second class citizens to people who don't deserve (IMHO) to be a part of our lives. We try, we put up with, we coddle, we give-for what? The skids are brats, are nasty, are foul mouthed, are immature, are moody and make you feel like a stranger in your own home.
My take: if you pay the bills, you have the right to say anything you want in the house. If DH or DW can't take it, they can leave. My question for all of us is WHY DO WE HAVE TO PUT UP WITH SUCH DYSFUNCTIONAL BEHAVIOR? I mean, I've asked myself this question over and over and OVER again until it's made me nauseated. I am truly wondering why I got into a situation like this and well, my only answer is...I've made nothing but bad decisions in regards to my life in the past 5 years. I'm not putting myself down but I've made bad decisions in my life that have cost me dearly however, there are many things that I am NOT to blame for.
DH's family needs to wake up and smell the stench they made in regards to their lives. They said they grew up poor, they grew up with nothing-Oh My Goddess, they had a loving biological family-something I prayed all of my life to have. No, the father wasn't there but I had NEITHER!! SS had a mother that was absent and absent minded in his life and DH was with his son throughout all of his sports games, became a coach, whatever. None of my family supported anything I ever truly did-however, my brother, in a fit of anger, beat the crap out of me right by a patio door, leaving me with bruises and I almost fell through the door. SS never had this kind of thing happen to him...never.
I cannot nor will not feel sorry for any child who has had it good yet has spoiled himself at the hands of victims that will never have a normal life due to trauma. I guess I'm just tired of all of the dysfunctional drama in my first year of marriage (and our one year anniversary is tomorrow) that I just want to sit in a craft store and absorb the inspiration of creating something. I look at yarn and think of all of the children who are homeless, who are in foster care being neglected and bounced around in a system that cares about money and not about hearts and minds.
I crochet blankets for such children because I was one of them. I was put in an orphanage in 3rd grade because our biological father couldn't take care of us any longer. I mean...I have to deal with this all in counseling and yet, that s***head SS won't go to counseling because "if anyone found out that I did that, I'd get hurt".
I am angry as you can tell. I'm angry not just for me but for all of us having to go through horrible things in our lives to make our DH/DW happy. What about our happiness? Don't we have a voice? Don't we matter?
Don't we matter....ask that of your spouse next time the skids do something horrible and mean to you and your spouse does NOTHING but let it happen. Trust me, the answer will give you the choice to move forward with your life...
Love you all!!
This might sound a little
This might sound a little strange to you right now but sometimes we need to be forced to make positive changes in our lives. I know I did. I experienced a childhood similar to yours, and I think this might be part of the reason we settle for a less than best situation, Husbands, relationships with skids. We grow up so we think we don't deserve respect and it continues through to our marriages. Then one day, after being treated like dog doo by DH and skids gets too unbearable we finally say, "This is B.S. I'm not living like this anymore." From that day forward there is no where to go but up, and from what you write you are at that point.
Your SS is nothing short of a piece of trash. You have a right to be angry. It is as if your mind has been raped and your dignity compromised. I know that's a bit strong, sorry. But once you have a clear direction the anger will be replaced with self-respect. As I wrote before, let SS and DH stew in their own juices for a while. You work on YOU. You DO matter!
Sounds to me like your head
Sounds to me like your head has been twisted inside out and upside down by this dysfunctional family and now it's all straightened out. The lights gone on in your head and heart, you've worked out what you want, you have a goal and your working towards it. Congratulations. I think the worst is almost over for you. You are going to do well now. I'm really pleased for you. You deserve it. We all do.
LadyG, I hope that you are
LadyG, I hope that you are able to find some happiness and peace in your marriage. I think that is what all of us are looking for. Second marriages are so much harder. I know that it is very difficult to have to cope with your feelings and deal with a wedding anniversary that really is not based on warm and wonderful feelings or memories. And every year that has gone by, I pretend less and less to feel happy on that day. So....treat yourself tomorrow. Let the anger go for a little bit and focus on you. We do not get these days back.
LG - I sometimes think part
LG - I sometimes think part of the problem is many people are willing to put up with way too much because they THINK they can't stomach the alternative - which is to be alone. "Alone" is a very frightening word for many people but one we ALL need to come to grips with.
I always encourage women in untenable situations (like yours) to take time off and go somewhere (vacation) ALONE - even if it's just overnight at first.
Alone is not horrible. Alone can be quite liberating. But it takes a little bit of time and training to get to the point where living your life alone is not so scary. Once you find out how liberating it is, you will embrace it and all the freedom it brings.
Because once you fully understand that you don't NEED to stay in a bad relationship with all the horrible side-effects, then you can have a clearer understanding of what you want in life.
So being alone should not be a sole determining factor whether to stay in a relationship or not. Your DH probably will not be able to "fix" what is wrong, so be prepared for that and plan accordingly.
I agree too tired. Too much
I agree too tired. Too much of my life has been staying in bad relationships! And the crazy part is that the happiest years for me were when I was NOT married! In between my first and second marriage, I was enjoying life. I took trips alone even. I could say that maybe I liked not having to compromise, I liked my freedom. With my second marriage we maintain our own homes, bills, etc. But yet something is not making me happy.........