Should I go to the mediation or stay home??
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My DH finally has a date for the mediation (BM petitioned for a change in CS) and he wants me to go with him, for support. Things have gotten very nasty with BM and him, she wants the kids full time and he wants the schedule to stay as it is. The thing is that the very sight of me infuriates BM....just by being alive and allowing DH to find happiness again. She constantly alienates the kids from me, bad mouths me etc. At this stage I am working hard to disengage myself. I want to be support of DH and attend because its important to him but I also don't want to be stressed out......yet again, by a mean nasty woman. I would rather not go but that seems like I am not supporting him when he needs it most. Any thoughts?
Thank you for your replies.
Thank you for your replies. Yes indeed my instinct strongly tells me to stay away. Or at work (which is where I should be!). My being there will just make things worse and I will explain this to my DH. And truly I have no business being there at all. He is nervous because she makes him nervous but he needs to toughen up. Perhaps I can meet him afterwords for lunch and be supportive by listening to how it all went.
Go. This is about you being
Go. This is about you being an equity partner in your marriage and supporting your DH. Why would you allow BM to intimidate you in to cowering at home while DH is in mediation? You will likely not be allowed in the actual mediation but your DH will know you are waiting in the lounge and BM will know you are there. That will jack her up a whole bunch and likely give your DH an advantage since she may be far more explosive and unreasonable while your DH will be confident and calm which will play very well to the mediator and his report to the judge.
These people are like cockroaches that scurry for a dark corner when you throw a light on in a dark room. Be happy, confident, present yourself at your best and be the light. She will wilt and scurry for the corner.
How would you feel if in the future you have a stressful situation that your DH could accompany you too and he choses not to go?
Most importantly ...... Have fun!
All IMHO of course.
Well thats true of course, I
Well thats true of course, I would want my DH with me during stressful times. He really wants me there for comfort and to show a united front too. The thing is, she will have her muscle-man boyfriend there and he is really horrible, we already had to call the police at a football game when he came over and started physically pushing my DH (this was when he was only dating BM for three weeks).
I will have to really consider this, I want to do what is right for the whole situation.
In my opinion the point of
In my opinion the point of any of this kind of activity is to provide for the best interests of the kid. When either bioparent is as toxic as this BM appears to be then the obvious best interest is to minimize the exposure of the kid to the toxic parent.
There is no need to for the OP's attendance at mediation to be vindictive. BM's response will set the town as vindictive or not. Even if the OP's motivations are vindictive her behaviors do not have to be. She can go, be professional and supportive and let BM stew. Shit stiring can happen on levels that do not have to be overt.
Unlike the BMs BF, the muscle bound individual who assaulted the dad, SM can go, be pleasant and radiant and let BM stew, gnash her teeth and bare her own ass to the mediator. If an agreement can be reached then so be it but mediation is a very low % game and anyone entering in to mediation needs should have the long term contingency plans in place and play the mediation as part of that long term strategy.
I believe that there is a fundimental flaw in our family law system. That flaw is the premise that what is best for the kid is a relationship with both parents. If both parents are mature, honorable and pleasant then that is certainly true. However, in the real world that rarely is the case. In the real world when one parent is a toxic, useless POS then the parent who is the better parent, best capable of providing for the child and raising the child to viable adulthood is the parent who is in the best interest of the child. The toxic parent should be considered little more than source of financial support for the child and interface should be ruled upon accordingly.
When our family court Judge after 8 hours in court prefaced his ruling with "I hope everyone feels better after our day in court because now I am going to do what I always do" I knew I was in for 17+ years of not only dealing with toxic idiots in the blended family opposition but I was also in for 17+ years of dealing with the bottom 10%ers of the legal profession that invaribly seem to gravitate to family law.
These judges and attorneys seem to forget who they work for and what they exist professionally to do. They work for their clients to deliver what the client wants in a legal and effective manner. That is what a family law attorney should provide to their client. Judges exist to consider each and every fact presented and to make a ruling not based on what they "always do" or what the Judge wants but what is in the best interest of the kid which rarely is to have an equitable relationship with both parents. Ruling that the kid must spend time with a serial child molestor/statutory rapist who is incapable of providing for the child is not only not in the kid's best interests it is NEVER in the kid's best interest.
Of course I am referring to our particular historic situation.
The challenge with StepTalk and other similar communities is that we get one side. I comment on the premise that what is presented is the sum total of the information available. Judges on the other hand are presented with two sides of a situation which to a reasonably intelligent individual should absolutely eliminate "doing what they always do" when sitting in judgement over the lives of children and families.
It is rare in a custody/visitation/support sitatuon for their to be no animosity. I applaud those rare individuals that can and do work together for the best interests of their kids. I wish every custody/visitation/support situation could unfold this way. For those that don't then the goal is to win so that you can minimize the toxic influence of the opposition on the children.
My bride attempted to work with the SpermClan on visitation and support. But they got toxic when they heard through the grapevine that she was dating someone and made it about custody. They attempted to intimidate and bully my wife in to giving up custody of her son. They seriously underestimated the resently 18yo single teen mom that she was. When they got stupid she fought back. When we married the resource scale balanced. Even then we tried to work with them but they kept pushing for custody or some other rediculous visitation agenda (26 weeks) and presented a never ending sequence of toxic manipulation. That left us no choice but to bring the pain. In more than 17 years they never learned that the pain was directly proportional to their toxic behavior. When they complied with the CO things were pleasant. When they did not comply things got painful. Not only for them of course but for us too. The kid is on his periodic pilgrimage to SpermLand to attempt a relationship with the SpermClan as I type this. It has been nearly 3 years since he has seen any of them and of course it is he that is making the effort and not them. As his dad I truly hope it turns out as he hopes but as a pragmatist I am prepared for the same old shit and a heartbroken kid. As such I am more than ready to bring the pain. Evne though he is nearly 21 and on his own, I am his dad and in my case you don't poke the bear's cub. Even when that cub is much bigger than papa bear.
Not that this situation is necessarily like ours.
Just my thoughts and opinions of course.
Sincerely,
When DH went to mediation,
When DH went to mediation, our lawyer we consulted with encouraged me to attend if it would make BM act crazy and upset. It shows that she is unstable and if she's the type that can't control herself when upset, then it helps your DH look better.
I would go to everything because DH liked having me by his side.
Well me being there will
Well me being there will definitely cause BM to act crazy. She will at least be hostile and its very obvious to see. I on the other hand, have the ability to stay calm (I am a nurse and have learned to stay calm and smile under pressure). It would definitely be good for the mediator to see BM in a bad light because she is very nasty when she gets going. Foul language, the works.
Personnaly when DH was faced
Personnaly when DH was faced with court, he didn't want me to go. He didn't want me to be subjected to the craziness of BM & SD. He felt he had dealt with them all along and knew what was waiting for him there and if I was there they would ramp it up even more. I agreed to do whatever he wanted, my support would be in person or in spirit, whichever he needed.
We got lucky and everything was settled before the actual court appearances. Still don't know which way he would have went, me there or not. If you do go, don't let BM pull you down to her level, don't engage with her.
Thanks to everyone. I have
Thanks to everyone. I have decided to go as I am indeed part of the family. I spend a lot of time with my step kids and whether BM likes it or not, I am an active part of their life. And my DH wants my support. I will be calm and very pleasant and that is all I can do. I can only be responsible for my own behavior, not anyone elses. Most likely I will be waiting outside the mediation room anyhow but DH does want my support. Thanks again!
In Colorado, no spouses or
In Colorado, no spouses or significant others are allowed to attend mediation. It's the two parties and their attorneys.
I WANTED to go to DH's and BM's mediation in April only so DH wouldn't back down and get railroaded, but I couldn't. I had to trust that he'd hold his ground and stand firm.
I agree with Rags and think
I agree with Rags and think she is spot on!
Your DH has expressed he needs you - and if BM's boyfriend is going to be there even more the reason why you should be there to support your DH.
He, I am a he. But thanks
He, I am a he.
But thanks for the props.
DH has mediation coming
DH has mediation coming up...I don't understand why we (wives) can't be there for our DHs... They are going to make decissions that will affect BOTH of us, and as a couple we need to be in agreement as to what we are willing to accept or not. I get that girlfriends/boyfriends shouldn't be allowed, but we are talking about life changing decissions that only one person in the marriage is making. Of course husband and wife should already have an understanding of what is acceptable but if something new comes up, it's up to DH to try to make the best diecission for BOTH of us??? Humm, my DH can be too flexible/naive and then ends up regretting his decissions because BM is untrustworthy, so I'd like to be there to make sure he's not taken advantage of.
I am sorry that you are going
I am sorry that you are going through this, I understand 100%. My husbands ex wife hates me and wishes I had no role in my step-children's lives, but it is what it is. My husband and I went through mediation with his ex and I was there every step of the way and never left his side, she hated the fact that I was there and wanted it to just be the two of them. However, in mediation, you can request to not be in the same room as the other party. They cannot force ya'll to stay in there together if there is so much tension. I would call the facility and find out what there policies are and ask if that is something you all could do to avoid conflict. Explain to them that the two of ya'll do not get along but you would like to be there for your husband, as your right as a spouse. That is what my husband and I did. She was in one room and my husband and I were in another.
I really hope that you are able to figure something to where you are comfortable. If not, then your husband should be very understanding to your feelings and should not pressure you into going. I would be very hurt and upset if my husband insisted I do something that did not make me feel comfortable. You CAN be there for him without having to physically be there.