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Grown 22-1/2 year old mama's baby with a girlfriend and baby

Texas54's picture

I have a real big problem and it is destroying our marriage that I really need some help with.
First off I have gave him over 35,000 dollars and possible more as the wife never kept up with all of it.None of this was money to be gave to him, but to pay back when he got a job. This has been going on for 7 years now and I have had enough. Let me tell you all a story about him. His real dad has nothing to do with him or his brother. They know he is a complete lazy bum, but they are in another state and don't have to deal with him as I do. He has done many many things ever since I have known his mother.
1. He was accused of molesting my grandbaby when he was 13 years old. Charges were filed and the baby showed no signs of penetration and the state dropped all charges. I believe he did do something as the baby knew to much. She is 12 years old now and never mentions it at all.
2. He was a problem child from day one. He always stayed in trouble at school and never wanted to do his homework and was expelled several times as well along with getting kicked completely out of 1 school when he was 14.
3. He lived with his Dad after that, but everytime he would get in trouble with his Dad he would call mama and grandma and they in turn would call the Dad and give him trouble and this went on for about 2 years, but me I still had to buy his school clothes and stuff. This went on until his senior year at which time his mother wanted him to come and live back with us again, because his Dad was not doing a good enough job.
4. His senior year he was wanting a truck and he was going to get a job and pay the notes and that never happened and to make a long story short I have spent roughly about 40,000 dollars on him since and he has never paid back as much as anything.
Now he has a girlfriend and a baby and they have been kicked out of the second rent house now and they are at my house and I am working overseas and their is nothing that I can do about it. I tell her that I have had enough and she says she will not kick them out of the house. I told her to give them 2 weeks and they have to move.
My question is how much money and help do you do for someone that will never even try to pay the money back. How much more shouold I do before going crazy. She has never worked and now I have told her to go to work and give them her money as I have done enough. I am ready to pull the plug here. Please give me all the advice you can. There is actually so much more that I could add that he has done, but it will take about a week to tell it all.

Orange County Ca's picture

Lesson learned write it off and move on.

Texas54's picture

I really wished I could get more oppinions please?????????????

KittyKat's picture

Your story is very vague....who is this "male figure" you are talking about, your stepson? Your bioson?

I think many people would give you opinions, but your story is hard to follow!

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."-Eleanor Roosevelt

KittyKat's picture

I'm with you, and I feel for you right now if you are overseas and helpless to deal with this right now.

My own son tried this about 3 years ago. Quit college, thought he was just gonna come to OUR house (mine and H's, his stepdad), lay around until he got his "act" together. Well, my H said NO WAY. (My son was 21 at the time). He would be welcome to come here if he wanted to get a JOB, be productive, etc. but NOT to lay around and feel sorry for himself.

I felt badly at first, and it was very tense between my and my H. But, my son then went to live with MY PARENTS (my mother is a classic "enabler"), and it caused a lot of hard feelings. My family was really "pissed" at my H for not allowing it and at ME for not standing up to H.

But, like you, I put up with so much immature behavior from my son while he was in college. He cost me tons of money, and I was just sick of it. He had to GROW UP, and I must say that he is doing MUCH BETTER. He now has a job and is moving out of my parents in the spring (he'll be 25!!)

I agree that you are NOT doing him any favors (your wife certainly isn't) by allowing this behavior. Perhaps because there is a small child involved she is being such a softy.

I would set a TIME LIMIT (maybe by January?) for him to get his own place, get his ducks in order, or YOU ARE GONE. And MEAN IT. This could go on for another DECADE if you don't do something now.

Hang in there.

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."-Eleanor Roosevelt

Most Evil's picture

Tell your wife she will have get a job to support her son if that's what she wants and that you are done. He is a grown man now.

Did he finish school or have any other job training? Is there any way you could get him to join the military, to support his own family?
_________________________________________________________
Age cannot wither her, nor custom stale
Her infinite variety.

William Shakespeare, "Antony and Cleopatra", Act 2 scene 2

Texas54's picture

This is my step-son and not my son.I have done more than I should have already and I know he will not ever pay anything back. He has a dad and a brother that has nothing whatsoever to do with him as he has always run to mama and grandma on everything. He is too much of a baby to go in the sevice and also to lazy. He will work good for a few days and then back to his normal lazy self and wanting money from me or his grandma. I have already told the wife that she needs counseling or something and I have told her to get a job also and get her own account. They make money deals all the time and I always come out on the bottom. It is very frustrating to me. I have tried to help, but when you help someone you think they understand that you are helping and they keep wanting more. I have told her that I am done, but she constantly tries to push him off on me. I work out of the country and as soon as I leave to go back to work he and now the girlfriend and new baby or back at the house bumming. Not paying any rent are anything. Just bumming.

justwantpeace2's picture

Ummmmmm......I don't think there is any question here about whether you should continue or not. I would not do it for my own son. I would help if he were in a tight spot, but I darn sure better see some action going on as far as helping himself! He is only 16 now, but I make sure that if he wants something he works for it! I think that all adults need to stop coddling him and let him grow up! Are they planning on living forever or leaving him a residual income for the rest of his life? It sounds like you have done more than enough. OT, you said that you are overseas? Military or just working?

Texas54's picture

I am just working and only have a couple days left and then I will go home for a couple of weeks before returning to finish the job. He has been a problem for 13 years and not just here lately. I have always been dealing with him and I have had enough this time as it will never go away if I do not do something now. My own kids would never do me the way he and her has and they know I wouldn't put up with it either. They all have jobs and are responsible citizens unlike her youngest son. Her oldest son is a good boy and a hard worker and I care alot for him as he does me. I told her I was not coming home if they were still there and I would only get my truck and leave and that I needed answers and would go to counseling to try and keep the marriage going, but either way I have had enough and I will not keep this up. I have never seen anyone that can't keep a job and be like he is. I have gotten him several jobs and he only gets fired or some excuse and she will always take his side no matter what. I got a job for him one time making good money and he drives 6 hours to the job only to bust a drug test. LOL Yep, I am done.
Thanks for all the feedback I really appreciate you both listening.

Jeans222's picture

Heres what I think... if you can move and change your number, do so... and stop helping him.
He has a child and will have no choice but to grow up as you don't pay child support ( girl will leave him soon) he won't be able to drive, vote or many other things. He will have to grow up