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Stepmom needs help!!

StepMamaNeedsHelp's picture

I have a 10 year old step son. His father and I started dating when he was 4 and have since married and have 2 boys of our own (4 years and 8 months). My step son acts like I do not exist. He will walk right past me to find his father to ask for something as simple as a snack. He is very disrespectful, he does not have any manners, its extremely difficult. And, my 4 year old thinks he is a god, and tried to imitate his every move. The situation only seems to be escalating. And now I have him for the entire summer, which should be a blast considering the issues we are having. My husband and I had a sit down with him last night to re-explain the rules of our home, such as respect, independence, manners, cooperation... things, that I feel, shouldnt even need to be explained. We have always made him feel welcome and a part of our family. I throw him a birthday party every year, and despite the fact that his birth mother does not, I get absolutely no appreciation for these things. I get no thank yous for gifts. Its like I do not exist and these things happen on their own. We are not extremely strict parents either, however, I do expect that you clean up after yourself, put your clothes in the hamper, get dressed and brush your teeth with out asking... all of which seems to be an issue for my step son, but my 4 year old is completely capable and willing to do these things. His birth mother, is a trip to say the least... my step son is allowed to roam their apartment complex without any supervision (this isnt new either, has been like this since he was 6), he has his own cell phone (his bm provided) which is not monitored at all by his birth mother. My husband and I noticed that he text messages in there from his friends with curses in it and he text "die" to another friend... needless to say, he was punished for a week (at our house) and no repercussions at his bm house. The cell phone is no longer allowed at my house, as we see it as unnecessary and destructive. And the cell phone was also becoming an issue with him secretly texting and calling his bm CONSTANTLY!! Im not talking every few hours, Im talking like every half an hour, to see where she is, who she is with, what she is doing, when he is going home, etc. One time we caught him sneaking around the house (he is very sneaky) and asked him what he was doing, and his exact answer was, "I talked to my before and my mom said to call her back later, do I call her back now, or wait a little bit, I dont know what to do?".... he was panicing like it was 10 year old girl he was calling back...weird to me! One time he said that he lost his phone in his bed... which off the bat is weird because its supposed to be kept on his dresser, to find out he fell asleep on the phone with his mom...at 10:30pm??? And, the last 2 years he acts like she is his girlfriend, he'll smack her butt, try to caress her, it really creeps me out. My husband and I have said something to him and to her, and it doesnt seem to impact the situation at all. My step son is also very manipulative. He knows how to play his mother against his father, and sometimes I think I am the only who see's this. He acts like a baby in many aspects (cries if he gets in trouble, never says dad- always says "daddy" in a baby voice, wont get himself a drink or a snack, plays the "i dont know how"), and like an adult in many aspects (complete freedom at his bm house), both of which I feel are wrong. But now it is coming to him manipulating my son. He makes my 4 year old come to us and ask if his brother can have a snack, as if we have ever said no!!! When my step son plays with his little brother, he always has to put him down, and say that he lost. Like a million times throughout the game, and if my son questions it, he get snapped at, and my step son convinces him that he is a loser. We have also had issues with my step son grabbing my sons arm and squeezing him when he doesnt like what he is doing. He was punished for that too, but again, only at our house. My 4 year old has started to throw some really serious tantrums, and I know that this is horrible to think, but my gut tells me that its revolving around my step son... I am questioning everything from his manipulation, to his grabbing, to things that I dont know even go on... I am at a loss... I can handle being ignored and disrespected, but now my gut is telling me something is going on with my 4 year old and I dont know how to handle it. I have explained my feelings to my husband because I can not hide them, and he suggested putting a video camera in their room for the moments that we can not see. But, I dont know what to do... someone help me!! Please!

StepMamaNeedsHelp's picture

No, but I think he seriously needs it. The problem with that is, his bm doesnt take him to the dr at all. We thought she was bringing him for physicals every year and it turns out that he hadnt even had one since he was 5. So now, I am obviously in charge of that. I need to go to the pediatrician and get a recommendation for a therapist. I cant rely on his bm for anything.

Snarky's picture

Sounds like an angry kid! My stepkids learned very quickly that if they do not bring their clothes to the laundry room, it doesn't get done. And, if I have to pick up after them, anything left on the floor gets thrown away (we have since changed that to going into the earn back box)! If the kids are disrespectful, then privileges get taken away, t.v., phone, internet, playing with friends. In the beginning, we basically had one or two of them sit in their room for the day, except for meals.
My DH would not put up with ANY disrespect towards me and we do not tolerate any kind of physical violence. Again, privileges were taken away. The oldest SK does not come over anymore because we banned her cell phone over here because of the same reasons you are dealing with. Our house is more peaceful without that drama.
Have you thought of getting your SS involved in community activities or the YMCA camps? They do a lot of esteem building activities, which has really helped my younger stepkids. Get him involved NOW, and keep going, because if he is this violent now towards a 4 year old, imagine how he will be when he gets older!
Good luck!!!!

StepMamaNeedsHelp's picture

WickedSM: We have punished him for the way that he acts. He loses TV, Internet, etc. But these punishments are only instilled while he is at our house. His BM does not punish him at all. He basically has free roam at his house. And my step son is only at our house Sat night to Sunday night, unless he has a school vacation. So unless he is on a vacation, it is difficult to control the situation. And, even if he is here for the whole week while on vaca, the moment he goes home, even if for a single day, he goes right back to his old ways. Its extremely frustrating! And as far as taking away his toys... the problem is that he doesnt have much stuff here anymore... he has taken everything back to his BM house. Which is always fun to get stuff back. And its gotten to the point that we need to check him before he leaves so he has some things here. I would love to put him in a program of some sort, but unless its free, its impossible right now. Thank you for your input though, its greatly appreciated!

Snarky's picture

We've gone through the search and seizure before the kids leave too. It finally got to the point that if they got anything the rule was to keep it at our house or expect not to get anything else. We also put it on them by letting them know that this situation is happening because of THEIR actions, not because we are mean people. As long as we keep the kids busy busy busy, they don't have enough energy to fight or argue. LOL. After sticking to it for several years (it takes a long time) things have improved only with the younger sk's.

I feel for you and hope the best for your situation. As far as programs, check with Boy Scouts, sometimes they have free programs for cash strapped families. The YMCA usually has a pool, and it's like $3 to go for a day. There's also volunteer programs that don't cost anything, where you can get him involved in helping people and learn about compassion for others. We are using the Girl Scouts, and they know our situation and limited time with our SK's. They're pretty cool about helping out blended families emotionally and financially.

PM anytime!!

StepMamaNeedsHelp's picture

You dont know how much you have helped me already!!! I am going to look into the boy scouts and see what I can find out. Thanks so much!!!! And I am sure I will be PM you! Smile Also, I like your rule about getting something at our house, keep it at our house or you wont be getting anything else... Ill be using that one!