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gazoogleheimer's picture

I've been a stepmom since 1998. SD was 6 when we married. She's 15 now. And, we've given her a little brother who's 6 & a little sister who's 5.

Over the years, SD & I have built our own relationship & have grown to love and respect each other. I got so much support from a variety of on-line communities during those times.

Then, there were the years of dealing with BM trying to push DH out of their lives, as DH tried to continue joint parenting as best he could through it all. All of the support that I recieved online during that time is immeasurable, too.

Abruptly, last spring, after a crazy month, BM stepped out of our lives (including SD's), seemingly forever.

It's so hard to summarize a child's entire life with her father in a few paragraphs. And, of course, I am well aware that we can't hear BM's take on things through my words, although I do try to understand her, for SD's sake. And, I do try to (and I fail at this more than I'd like) remember that it's not a competition where I should be happy when Dad wins, because when Mom loses, SD loses, too.

High points:

DH & BM marry. BM does not invite her family to wedding. She is black. He is white. They don't approve. She's mad at her mom at the time and (I think) rebelling by marrying this man.

They have a baby girl. BM has reconciled with her family by now.

BM works and doesn't work, depending on her mood. DH works 2 or 3 jobs, to pay the bills when she's not working. When BM is working, she leaves SD with her mom and sometimes goes home after work without picking her up, so she can have some TV time without the baby. Other times, DH comes home from work late & finds BM watching TV, SD still awake in playpen, BM saying "She won't go to sleep for me, you have to do it". DH loves parenting his daughter, through the vomit, tears, tantrums. BM calls SD a 'little bitch' when she cries in the night.

Anyway...

When SD is 18 mos old, she toddles up to DH holding a piece of paper she found. It's a list of 'reasons to leave'. Amongst them is 'Won't buy me a new couch so I can have friends over'.

A few days later, DH comes home to an empty apartment. BM has taken SD & moved in with her mom.

DH, stuck in the newly leased apartment, is allowed to 'visit' his daughter, only when they are going out on family 'dates'.

After months of this, he files for divorce, so that he can get some time alone with his daughter - so he can have legal custody papers & stop having to bow to BM's whims.

This pisses BM off. She refuses him any time with SD at all for months, until the legal proceedings are finished.

(This is about the time that I met DH, when I hired him to work in my department. I didn't start dating him for years, though)

During the custody/divorce proceedings, BM accuses DH of physical violence & stalking - requests restraining order. Case is thrown out of court.

They, eventually, get joint legal, BM has primary residence.

Over the years, BM treats DH as if he were non-custodial. Never consults him on any matters. Refuses 'visitation'. Does not notify of medical, dental, educational decisions & treatments. DH documents what he can. Takes things to court when warranted. Gives in to her more often than not. Puts up with her verbal abuse at pickups & dropoffs. Puts up with physical abuse from her brothers (including a gun being pulled on him (with SD present), physical attack, vandalism to his car). Listens to accusation after accusation of stalking from her.

The only place where he won't bend, won't give in, won't agree with her at all, is when she tries to take his time with SD away from him. And, even then, there are times when he can't do anything (when she doesn't show up at all) and times when he says "OK" to bringing her back early for things, just to keep the peace for SD.

Years of BM not allowing phone calls. Not giving him medical info. Moving SD from school to school whenever DH tried to be involved.

Through it all, though, simply loving SD when she is with him/us. Never (and I mean NEVER) a bad word about BM in our home. Whenever something completely insane would happen & SD was with us afterwards, we would soothe her & apologize, but it would always be something like "Sorry things got crazy there. That must have made you feel real bad. I think that maybe your mom just didn't understand."

Then, on with the weekend or summer or holiday or school break (DH had her for 2 months each summer, EOWE & half of the school breaks/holidays). Back to cramming as much parent/family/kid time as possible into our limited time together.

Anyway.....

You've all been through things like this, I'm sure. Or, know someone who has. Or, are glad that things aren't like this for you. Or, maybe even think that BM was justified & right & that dads should just walk away & leave moms (and kids Sad ) alone.

So, fast forward to last spring.

It's the day before our weekend. By now, the 'our' at our house includes me, DS & DD looking forward to SD being there & making our family whole again for a little while. DH is sleeping (he works nights & sleeps in the evenings when I get home from work). I get a phone call. It's SD. We NEVER get phone calls from SD. I can count on two hands the number of times we've received phone calls from SD over the years.

I bring the phone to DH & wake him up.

She says "Dad you can't pick me up tomorrow, because we've moved to Ohio."

* * * stunned silence * * *

We can deal with this.

DH talks to her about it, but doesn't put her on the spot. It's not *her* problem. She did not create it and she should not have to deal with it.

BM gets on the phone, cursing DH out. He tries to speak calmly and get more information. Eventually she hangs up on him.

Over the course of many phone calls (and many hangups) over the next few days, we find out that her mother, who has, apparently, moved to Ohio, has Alzheimers. BM decided to move there to help her.

DH asked if we could load the family up & come out there to have our time with SD in a hotel out there.

BM says "No. If I let her go with you, you'll take her back to Illinois".

DH says "So, when will I ever get to see her again"

BM says "Never."

DH goes to court. BM doesn't show. Court grants DH primary residence. DH drives to Ohio and, with the help of local police, brings a sullen SD back to Illinois. As she's leaving, BM tells SD & DH that she doesn't want anything to do with either of them until SD is 18 and freed from her father's slavery.

Apparently, BM told SD not to contact her either.

We haven't heard directly from BM since. We have sent her many letters offering to bring SD out to visit her. Giving her SD's private cellphone number. Telling her about SD's counseling & school information.

BM has commented a couple of times on SD's blog, but never responded back when SD responded to her.

BM sent SD a birthday card, but the accompanying blog comment said something like "I guess you don't care about me anymore" or some other self-pitying thing.

Now, of course, we're happy that we 'won' & that we don't have to deal with BM anymore. But, we're also sad that our daughter (my stepdaughter, I guess) has this aching break in her life. She doesn't talk about it. She seems perfectly well-adjusted & happy (well, as much as a 15 year old can be, anyway).

She's always kept life with mom separate from life with dad & we never forced it any other way. It's her life, she has a right to deal with it that way if it works for her. But, I know there has to be so much pain inside my kids' wonderful big sister, my husband's intelligent daughter, my own sweet, scared little girl all grown up. And, I don't know how to fix it. Or if she'd even let me fix it, if I could.

Comments

Anne 8102's picture

I was going to post a comment asking if a gazoogleheimer is anything like a wisenheimer...! ;°)

Unfortunately, there's not a whole lot we can do to when it comes to taking away the pain our loved ones feel, but I think you guys are doing a great job of providing a loving, stable, supportive family for this girl and that will probably do more for her than anything else ever could. Keep on giving her love, patience, discipline, support, guidance, rules and routine and you will be giving her the skills and ability to overcome anything life throws at her.

~ Anne ~