You are here

Need an opion

sweetthing's picture

My husbands parents ( who by the way had not spoken to us since they pretty much ignmored us at oldest ss football game & spent all their time with ex & her boyfriend & his kids)emailed us & called to have us put aside a weekend in Dec to celebrate the holiday. We are terrified that she is planning some weekend get away with my husband's two brothers & their families. ( My husband was terrorized his entire life by oldest brother & hates him. Not to mention they all pretty much ignore my existance because they are so in love with EX)

Here's my problems... I hate secrets & surprises. I am 38 and have a hard time with virtual strangers controlling my life & making decisions for me. They make my husband miserable..he has been worring & loosing sleep over this. His brother is just mean & makes fun of him & to be honest if this involves wearing a bathing suit ( I gained weight between loosing baby, depression & fertility drugs) infront of these morons doesn't really excite me either. I am thinner than evil brothers wife but younger brother is married to an extreemly beautiful "perfect blonde 24 year old.

Does a person just give in & go?

Comments

sweetthing's picture

My spelling is only sort of crewed up. Smile

smom1007's picture

That sounds like a really uncomfortable situation--on top of you being newly married and this being the holiday season. I have no tried and true methods for dealing with this situation because I'm that person who would sooner suck it up and deal with people I don't like just to avoid possibly hurting anyone's feelings or not meeting someone's expectations. But it sounds like you and your DH should say you're not attending and stick to it. Why make yourselves miserable?

sweetthing's picture

When we were dating they actually wanted to invite his ex to Christmas & told him that he should not invite me because it was too soon.

I guess that still hurts, even though I already had plans of my own with my own family.

My folks may be nuts but they love me. My DH was so thriled to see the boys pics proudly displayed on my parents mantle along with my brothers kids. He even asked me to tell my mom just how much that meant to him.

happy's picture

adults.. and its totally up to you.. If you really don't want to go tell them no.. When they ask why tell them the truth. If it were me I would tell them no and spend the holidays in a happy loving enviroment.. To me looking in you both really shouldn't go. So if your asking I am telling you no do not go.. (Kidding) seriously though I wouldn't go if it were me..
Best of luck in your decision..

sweetthing's picture

However I am trying to be supportive. His therapist encouraged him to dump his family awhile back. He tried to do it right before we got married. He has tried to tell his parents about why he doesn't get along with brother and what went wrong in his first marriage & they don't want to hear it.

Denial, it's just not a river in Eygpt.

happy's picture

No comprehension. Thats me..
Bathing suit.. I would wear one.. and if his brother opens his mouth I would give a moo moo dress and tell him to put that on. His brother reminds me of Chet from Weird Science... Did anyone see that movie.. Anyways.. I would have to tell him to keep his pompass ass from flapping its really stinking up the room (when he started his crap). Him and I would argue till there was no tomorrow.. You know there is ways to tell people off and still be respectful.. I would be telling all of them and including the snooty bitchy ex just what was on my mond without any holding back... His family is rude and disrespectful to you both.. When his mom calls again just make some remark to the fact of oh is (ex) so and so coming too? when she came back with no why do you ask I would say well shes there for everything else. I would also if they say yes she is going ask if you could share a room with her but sarcastically.
Ok I am done with my rantings.. sorry

sweetthing's picture

His brother is sort of like Chet only really skinny & ugly. Kind of a loud mouth too. ( he looks like Kip from Napoleon Dynomite)

I already told my husband if he ever said anything about my weight( as he torments husband about his) I would tell him.. I can always diet ( hell my life usually revolves around it) but you can't do nothing about ugly.

Anne 8102's picture

Sweetthing, you and I are both long past the age of having to put up with people who intentionally hurt us just because they are "family." You guys are adults with a life of your own. If you guys don't want to go, then don't go. I don't think we should have to feel obligated to provide ourselves as targets for ugly people to take pot shots at just because they are "family." It's a sickening way for them to spend their holiday and why on earth would you want to subject yourselves to verbal/emotional abuse during your holiday? You said it yourself, you are 38 years old and I assume your husband is also in that vicinity. Live your lives the way you want to live them. And if they can't be nice, screw 'em.

~ Anne ~

sweetthing's picture

When they do things I don't care for I take a family vacation from them. My husband just turned 32. (My ex is 10 years older my dh is 6 years younger) I gotta say younger is better. Smile He still is not to that place yet.

My vote is we decline & I have offered to do that for him. But he doesn't want me to fight his battles for him. I feel like no body his parents, his ex ever supported him. I know that is one of the things he loves about me is that my love is unconditional.

People are sick!

I just love this site... I always feel so much better knowing that there are other people who feel as I do. It also make me appreciate the boys more as not everyone has the kind of situation of acceptance as I do. Somedays they wear me down with their little boy arguments and messiness. Bottom line is they are good boys.

gazoogleheimer's picture

He's got his own history & issues with his family. What does he say about all of this? Does he want to go? Does he want your support in taking a break from his family for a while? Can you face this together, on the same page?

sweetthing's picture

He is just waiting to see what they have planned. He will probably go along with it because he is such a good man...but will be absolutely miserable before, during & after.

His youngest brother got married in September and after arguing about why he didn't want her ex & BF to be there with his family( very stressful & he suffers from esophegeal spasms due to stress which has the symptoms of a heart attack..god help us) we then moved into shelling out three hundred dollars to be ignored & snubbed at the wedding. My husband was delibertly excluded by his older evil brother and to make matters worse people kept coming up to him saying we didn't realize " Bobby" had another brother.. this after all these damned speaches about what a great closeknit family the " Johnsons" are.

Bottom line I will do whatever he wants and will do my best to protect him. I have said that I will NOT sit by & let someone delibertly make fun of my husband in my presence. I can be very assertive when it is necessary. Some dorkass moron doesn't scare me...trust me he should be afraid of me. Best part is all they have ever seen is the nice ladylike woman who is always polite & quiet. What they don't realize is I am a force to be recond with when pushed... I am a red head...need I say more Smile

happy's picture

Think CHET OR KIP. Ok.. Everytime someone is startign to irritate you pretend in your head you are whipping that bagel across the room at them. You will be just fine.. Also if it gets to bad say your peace and later call and apologize and say you were a little insane you know your "Aunt Flow" was in town.. You will be just fine.. Think of things that make you laugh.. Picture his ugly brother in a little purple speedo.. LOL I am seeing KIP from that show in a speedo.. LOL.. that is your brother in law..

sweetthing's picture

Things really came to a head the last few days.
Sunday DH had oldest SS call his parents to see what they were doing for turkey day. We had asked to have either T day or xmas & his mother gets to decide what the family is doing. No one had gotten back to us so DH had oldest ss call his parents. So granpa tells ss that they are going to evil uncle Kips for thanksgiving. Doesn't ask to speak to dh or anything. Later that night Kip sends eveyone an email acting like we all knew we were going to his house. DH sends scathing reply about the token invite. Youngest brother emails back chastising DH for emailing nother at work & probably ruining her day with his negativity. He also wanted to know where his early invite to our house was. He says he just clears T day on his calender & knows he will be going somewhere..can you say freeloading a$*hole?)
DH has had enough. When we got home last night our invite to a weekend at a hotel w/ water park( big surprise) was waiting for us. DH left parents as mesage saying we would not be there. That we had been waivering but todays emails had been the nail in the coffin.

We have not heard a peep from anyone. I feel bad for him but all they do is make him feel bad. When he was hospitalize no one ever called & no one ever followed up to see how he was or if we needed any help. I think he just got stuck with a crappy family. Heck his ex wife is better to him then they are.

SteppedOn's picture

It has taken me a long time (36y.o., married 11) to get to the point that I realize that it is okay to accept people for what they show you they are. I used to go by what I thought people should be, not what they really were. Some people, even close relatives, are just jerks and don't deserve my time. I've realized that's their problem and not mine.

I thought that I was closer to my husband's family than what I was for several years. I gave of myself and put myself out there. I didn't realize that they didn't want as much as I had to give until about 7 years into our marriage. While I'm disappointed that we're not closer, I accept them for what they are now, not what I wanted them to be. MIL isn't as grandmotherly as my mom, sis-in-laws aren't aunts like me. They want less out of relationships and want more superficial relationships. It disappoints me, but relationships can only be as much as the person who wants the least.

I have one SIL who is so underhandedly mean that I don't care if I ever see her. It's never anything so overt as to cause a brawl, but it is distructive nonetheless. I avoid people like that no matter the relation. People like that never deserve your time and you should never feel obligated to give it to them. You'll just regret it.