Gitana's picture

Don't know if I can handle this anymore. Fiancé has three kids and I just can't accept it HELP

I have been with my fiancé for a year and a half. It sounds like a short time but we moved in after two months and were engaged after three. We have been through so much in such a short amount of time. He has 3 kids and very early in our relationship (after moving in) i realized that it bothered me. At first! I didn't quite understand why. I just knew that I didn't understand his love for them because I did not feel it (of course). I felt threatened by it and started to worry if he would have enough for me and our future family since he had responsibility (emotionally, time wise and financially) to a whole other family. I told him right away my feelings and concerns. He reassured me that i was the most important thing to him and that our family would take priority over the other kids. In his words, "all I do is see them for 2 days every other week. What is the big deal?" Everytime I was at the point of leaving over my conflicting feelings about his kids he would make promises to me like that he would never let the kids come and live with us, that even if their mom were to dihershey would go live with their grandmother (who lives next door to them and home schools them anyway, we live in new York and they live in Connecticut). He always out me before them and made them seem somewhat insignificant, which may sound horrible to some, but it kept me there with him. I could not control my discomfort during their visits. They are nice kids but I just feel invaded by them. I live in a fairly small NYC apartment and when they came I felt I had no privacy and they just reminded me of all my fears and insecurities about our future, not to mention reminding me of his past with other women. The funny thing is my fiance is super jealous and literally went hysterical when he saw a picture of me and my ex. He couldn't stand to see me with another man even in a photo and yet his kids are like living photos of his past with his exes. Yes plural two of his kids are from his ex wife and one is from a later girlfriend. He was an alcoholic and has been sober for 10 years now. He and his ex wife got married when he was 21 and they had their two children when he was 23 and 24. She is 5 years older than him. They divorced when the kids were 1 and 2 years old. His next girlfriend was 13 years older than he. She is a very successful real estate developer and they were together for 3 years. She was 45 and decided that she wanted a child before it was too late. Their relationship was not working out and she was considering going to a sperm bank to be artificially inseminated. She begged him to give her a baby, swore not to collect child support and even said that he never had to see the child or have any responsibility at all. He made what he now considers a very stupid decision and gave her a baby. When they baby was 2 months old they broke up. She never asked for child support and even asked for him to sign away his paternal rights and responsibilities and agree that the child would go live with her sister if something were to happen to her. He did not agree to this until he and I were together, he has since signed those papers for her, but still sees the child. Because of our fights and turmoil over the kids he canned their visit from 2 days every other week to two days every three weeks and usually it ends up that they come for 2 days every month (sometimes less) because of us going n vacation or them having plans efc. I didn't want to be with him because of the kids but I stayed because he kept doing things to get me to stay. And now I think I love him too much to leave and this scares me. I was ready to leave before and I didn't take my chance.

StickAFork's picture

This man is a complete and

This man is a complete and total asshole.

He signed away rights to one of his children because he's with you.
He's said that if the mother of his other two children DIES, the kids are living with someone other than him.

FORGET the stepkids. WHY ON EARTH would you want to be with a man so lacking in character? And how in the world would you consider making a "future family" with this man?!?

He has shown you who he is. BELIEVE HIM.

Stick a fork in me... I'm done...

Gitana's picture

Those actions do make him an

Those actions do make him an asshole. But I wanted him to do these things. Before we met he refused to sign the rights away and wanted the kids to live with him in the case of their moms death, but I told him I could not live with that and wanted to start a family with no threats of the other kids coming to live with us, because I truly don't want to live like that. I was willing to leave over it. That is when he made the changes. Maybe some would say he is an asshole for choosing me over his kids, but that is what I wanted and needed form him. The problem is that evenin this situation the kids still bother me, but now I feel I am in too deep to leave.

StickAFork's picture

Then you truly deserve every

Then you truly deserve every bit of the asshole he is.

Karma is a big, fat, royal bitch. Beware.

Stick a fork in me... I'm done...

Gitana's picture

Of course I know they would

Of course I know they would be half siblings, but he already has two kids from one mother and one from another and those half siblings are not very involved in each others lives given that they hardly see their dad. I have no problem with my kids having a relationship with the other kids, as long as they are not members of my household. I signed up to be a wife and mother to our kids not take responilty for another three. And it doesn't even matter If I feel this way because this was already the dynamic between both sets of kids way before I came along. He never even had photos of his kids in the house before he and I met, so I am very tired of the guilt which I feel over this since it is his responsibility to look out for his children and not mine.

Gitana's picture

They are very nice and

They are very nice and obedient kids. They are very scared to speak their minds or share their opinions, they never disagree or talk back to dad. Or me for that matter. I am friendly with them, but I do try to stay away a lot during their visits (like go to dinner with my family or a movie with my cousin etc.). They know that I am invited to do anything they do because their dad always trieds to get me to go with them, but they also see that I usually don't, but I never have said an open bad word to them, and even ask them how their mom and sister are etc...(even though we have a whole other issue with the mother). They do not call their dad ever in between visits and I get the sense that they don't really want to even see him. You see, he was very harsh with them when they were little, he kind of scared them into behaving (not physically, but with a loud voice and a little bullying) I saw him bully them when he and I first started but I kept intending when he would to defend them. He has become much best about being softer with them. But they are very very close and attached to mom and grandma and their little sister (who is not my fiances daughter). I feel, but I could be wrong, that he idealizes his relationship with them to something that it is not, and thinks he is more important to them than he actually is. Or it might be that I make them uncomfortable via energy alone. ...

Gitana's picture

Ps. The reason he signed the

Ps. The reason he signed the rights was to ensure she could never come for back child support as per their agreement, he still has some visitation with the child.

StickAFork's picture

LOL, THAT makes it all ok.

LOL, THAT makes it all ok. But he didn't do it until YOU demanded that he do it.
That doesn't even make sense.

Stick a fork in me... I'm done...

Gitana's picture

Well, I never demanded I just

Well, I never demanded I just told I'm I was going to leave and he did it because he knew it might make me stay, I never asked out loud for it, but I admit that it is the only reason I stayed.

Disneyfan's picture

What she said. You will pay

What she said.

You will pay for this. You have fucked up three kids because you were to selfish to walk away from this "man".

"Some of you nonstepparents should have disclaimers in your signature lines. Disney isn't a SM any more, but her's could read, "Was a SM. That shit is for the birds! I don't hate all SMs, though. I'm cool."" LadyFace

Gitana's picture

So it's up to me to walk away

So it's up to me to walk away from him. Why can't he walk away from me? They are his kids after all and not mine

Gitana's picture

You know I could not respond,

You know I could not respond, but you are disgusting, I came to this forum for advice on a conflict and dilemma in my life. Constructive advice, obviously I'm conflicted about it if I am here. You are so judgmental. And for your information I am an NYU graduate and Columbia University PHD. So I don't need your tax dollars, but thanks for the advice.

SanAntonioSoccerMom's picture

All those credentials and you

All those credentials and you can't find a better man than the one you are with? All those credentials and you are threatened by a man's children? Really?

Keep calm and carry on...

Disneyfan's picture

Why does it matter WHO walks

Why does it matter WHO walks away?

"Some of you nonstepparents should have disclaimers in your signature lines. Disney isn't a SM any more, but her's could read, "Was a SM. That shit is for the birds! I don't hate all SMs, though. I'm cool."" LadyFace

Disneyfan's picture

Why does it matter WHO walks

Why does it matter WHO walks away?

"Some of you nonstepparents should have disclaimers in your signature lines. Disney isn't a SM any more, but her's could read, "Was a SM. That shit is for the birds! I don't hate all SMs, though. I'm cool."" LadyFace

Gitana's picture

Because it is hard to walk

Because it is hard to walk away when you love someone. At least he could leave for the sake of his kids who he loves, but it's harder for me to do that considering that they are practically strangers to me. If I could gather the strength, I would leave. That is why I shared on this forum, but it seems most people are not helpful, but simply ready to attack.

snowdrop's picture

It sounds like he was not

It sounds like he was not super involved with the kids and looking for an excuse to be less involved long before you came along. You were the perfect excuse for him to be (more of) a deadbeat dad.

I think it's safe to say that most women in the beginning stages of a relationship with a man with kids have feelings of panic and apprehension. I know I did. But my DH did not respond by getting rid of his kids. He reassured me, talked it out with me, answered my questions... in those times we went slower with our relationship. The fact that you're having a problem with the kids and not sure where you'll fit into this whole situation is NORMAL. His response, was not.

You've triggered something with the women here-- certainly you can understand why, we're stepmothers and we see how important a father-child relationship is. But I think your fiancé is to blame, not you. So many women on this site struggle with trying to get their men to be different parents than they are (stricter, more consistent, more fair, more involved, less involved, etc) and many women learn the hard way that they cannot make their men be "GOOD" fathers, why would you be to blame for making him a "BAD" father?

You love him... it's going to be hard to leave. But you know this relationship isn't right for you. Don't be afraid to take care of yourself. <3 good luck woman!

Gitana's picture

Thank you. How long did it

Thank you. How long did it take your worried feelings to go away? If ever...

snowdrop's picture

I think that's a tricky

I think that's a tricky question, I don't think it's about time but rather the relationship AND the woman. We're all different, being a stepmother is not for everyone (especially of THREE with two BMs!!! It's hard!!!).

The feelings did not just go away on their own (And even 4 years later sometimes feelings like that still pop up) instead my DH reassured me and supported me. He's shown me what kind of a man he is through his actions. He's a great parent and takes good care of his kids, he values me and thanks me endlessly for the help I give, he went to therapy for 2 years to help him to work through the issues that lead to his mistakes with BM and to be a better partner to me, he allows me to feel how I feel, he brings skids to therapy and is consistent with them... He tells me and shows me that he can offer a good foundation for our future and marriage.

Is he showing you he's emotionally healthy? Is he behaving in a way that you find comforting and supportive? Can you respect him?

It's ok to love the guy but to decide that he's not right for you. You sound like you've got a lot to offer. Those degrees are impressive! Don't be afraid to love yourself enough to leave if this isn't right for you.... There will be other men you love and who love you-- perhaps even deeper or more than you love your fiancé.

fedup13's picture

All things aside OP, like

All things aside OP, like Snowdrop said above, it is ok to love him but decide the situation is not right for you. If he is good to you, you guys get along, and you can overlook his failings as a father and choose to be with him, that is your choice and it does not matter what anyone else thinks. Your life is your journey and no one else will ever truly understand because they cannot walk a mile in your shoes. You don't have to defend your choices either.

Gitana's picture

Thank you, thank you, thank

Thank you, thank you, thank you! He and I were talking about this last night. There are many factors... I appreciate your words.

Gitana's picture

Yes my fiancé was in therapy

Yes my fiancé was in therapy as well after his divorce. He also is in AA , and goes to meetings everyday. He is very very good to me. Very understanding, compassionate, generous and sweet. He wants to get married and start a family with me (have babiesetc.). It is very important for him to have a family, like one household inmediate family, because that's how his parents were (he is one of ten children and his parents were together 40 years before his mother died). He told me he will always love and see his other kids but that OUR family and I will always be the top priority. And he does show me on a regular basis that i am top priority. I mean, he pays his child support on time every month and he makes some effort to see the other kids but they are not a main part of his evryday life. He even wants to move out of the country when we have babies and they are a little older. I wouldn't want to leave my parents so I was surprised he would leave his other children to move so far away but did say he would want them to come visit a week or two every year. But still I wouldn't want to leave my family personally. But I see that he can because his dream was always to have ONE, united family and I know a lot of people won't understand that and most people may not think that is right, it is definitely not what I would do to my own kids, but I still understand it.

bi's picture

this is exactly how i feel

this is exactly how i feel about the 2 idiots that had a child with my ex after me. they already knew he had a kid that he had nothing to do with and did not pay support on, but they went ahead and got pregnant anyway. they got exactly what they deserved, but the kids did not. i had nothing to go on when i got pregnant. i was the first. they knew how he was. the last one knew he had already done it twice and still got pregnant, and acts all shocked that things didn't go the way she wanted them to. fucking idiot.

"I don't hold grudges. I remember facts."

fedup13's picture

"It sounds like he was not

"It sounds like he was not super involved with the kids and looking for an excuse to be less involved long before you came along. You were the perfect excuse for him to be (more of) a deadbeat dad."

This was my thought as well after reading this.

OP, this is a vent site. This is site for people to come and get things off their chests, seek advice, and find support. You have a right to be here. Not everyone is going to agree and yes, some will attack you, very viciously sometimes. I personally do not think this makes you a bad person. You are just being honest. From what you posted it does sound like he would be very uninvolved with the kids whether he was with you or not. That is not your fault and just because he has children does not mean that you should jump up and demand that he be a good father to them. That is on him. His level of parental involvement is not your responsibility. You encouraged him to sign the papers on the third kid, but, from your original post, you made it very clear that this woman used him as a sperm donor and told him from the start he did not have to be involved, if he does not want to be involved that is his choice and you are not at fault for supporting him in that decision.

ownpersonalopinion1's picture

I think this is all joke. I

I think this is all joke. I hope this post is a joke.

Disneyfan's picture

I hope the people condoning

I hope the people condoning what she did/placing all the blame on dad, are

"Some of you nonstepparents should have disclaimers in your signature lines. Disney isn't a SM any more, but her's could read, "Was a SM. That shit is for the birds! I don't hate all SMs, though. I'm cool."" LadyFace

Anon2009's picture

"I am an NYU graduate and

"I am an NYU graduate and Columbia University PHD. "

Good for you. Those things do not necessarily mean that you always make good decisions.

Be forewarned that if he walked away from the children he has now, he may very well do so to any and all children you may have with him. You are not to blame for him being a bad father- that is on him alone. But it's a shame that the same brain that worked hard to help you obtain those degrees did not also help you to steer clear of this situation.

Chapter 3, Ecclesiastes, vs. 1-8

vermeulk's picture

We are all allowed to FEEL

We are all allowed to FEEL insecurity, and not enjoy the fact that the men we care about have had a life before us, and has children. THAT is completely understandable.

YOU or HE are NOT allowed to abandon the children, just because you feel a certain way. Even if he was and seemed eager to get rid of the responsibility of the kids. Partners should encourage not discourage.

I am honest with my FDH, I do care about his kids WELL BEING, and SAFETY, but I do not love the kids. I only help out because I love FDH. IF FDH and I split, would I miss the kids? Probably not, BUT i would never ever ever ever ever tell him to choose one or the other.

His kids at the beginning of the relationship lived with their mom, but she screwed up, and eventually we got them full time (lucky me). BUT I never once told him they weren't allowed to come here... I didn't like it, and FDH knows that I do not like the kids there 24/7 BUT i wouldn't ever make him choose! I find stuff to do, keep busy, enjoy my coffee (since I can't drink wine just yet Laughing out loud) to keep me sane... I try to be positive even when I feel like I want to give up and walk away, but I would NEVER tell my fiance to get rid of them from his life... Any real father would get rid of the woman if that was the case...

FDH makes compromises with me, the kids go for sleep overs on the weekends we have them, or he takes them out and does stuff with them (especially since i am 9 months preggers and no patience or energy to do all of that).

you may not like the kids, and feel insecure about them in your FDH's life but those children are INNOCENT in all of this, and they are NOT to blame for your insecurities. You should really re-think about being in this relationship, because at the end of the day RESENTMENT will kick in, and it is going to tear both of you apart! (I know all about resentment)

What will happen if one day you have a child with FDH and then all of a sudden you two split, he finds a new woman and she has the same mentality as you, and doesn't want YOU around and HIS and YOUR kid in her life... then he signs full custody to you, and disappears, no help from him!? You wouldn't feel that good about that, you would probably feel horrible, because it's your precious baby... and he/she doens't deserve to be abandoned by their father... BUT that's exactly what happened here, those kids are some other womans precious babies! It's not fair for them and not fair for their children!

Sorry to be so upfront, but this isn't right... Go find yourself a guy with NO kids, and start from scratch, because even if the kids aren't there with you.... that part of him is still there, he is still a father, he has two BM's to deal with and you will not be able to be number 1 to him... He's already been there! Either let him go, or you need to figure out how to deal with it, and we all do! Eventually those BM's will rear their faces in your lives, and try to drop those kids in your laps... It can happen, and might! You may think those kids are long gone now, but just wait until they get older, and they want to see their dad...

I'm expecting my first baby this week, and the kids live with us full time... Do i like the fact they will be here all the time with the baby, NO but FDH's and my baby is still their half sibling. Can't deny the girls their brother, just because I feel a certain way...

Good Luck! You will need it!


newbiestepmom25's picture

I'm shocked. I mean yeah you

Jawdropping! I'm shocked. I mean yeah you have the right to feel however you feel no one's feelings are wrong. But signing over your rights to your kids for a woman are wrong. If lord forbid DH and I don't make it. I would not sign over the rights to my BS for nobody. If we had 50/50 I would glady pay every cent of my child support to see my BS. I would die for my BS and nobody in this world would come between that. And I would expect DH to do the same. I understand your feelings I'm sure we all felt like that in the beginning. But still we all knew that our SOs had kids and that they had some kind of realatonship with them. If you just could not handle that I am wondering why you just didn't walk and find someone without kids? Not judeging just MHO.

A stepmother might have to rise above a little more than everyone else to make everything go smoothly and for everyone to feel comfortable. It’s one of the nicest gifts they could give. ~ Elizabeth Howell

not2sureimsaneanymore's picture

Well, since she never said it

Well, since she never said it out loud that that is what she wanted him to do... yeah, all the blame is on the dad. I mean when a man wants more custody, we keep our mouths shut, but when a man wants less, we have to open up?

Personally I'd let them deal with their problems and the consequences of them, which I am sure there will be a lot of. As StepAside said, there is no such thing as "WAS" an alcoholic. I think this will make him to back to alcoholism.

I can say if I was a BM and I thought my ex was a good for nothing douchebag, I'd ask him to sign his rights over too. I'd rather raise my child alone than have the possibility that they can screw up my child. I mean if he refused simply because he is attached to the idea of his "rights" (which, for some reason, men are) then I'd say no thank you. Give me my child and see you never. If he still refused I'd obviously facilitate, but I would prefer it if he did.

Anyway, this guy is a walking host of problems, and she's going to find out the hard way. I can just say if it was me as his BM, I'd want him to sign away his rights too--he can see the kid but damn if I'm going to let him have legal control over when and how and other life choices.

snowdrop's picture

What the OP wrote is not

What the OP wrote is not uncommon. Not to mention that it seems that the children's mothers are pretty good parents.

I've seen many women post that they hate their stepkids and that the kids are no longer allowed in their homes. I've read threads where women say that they are sending skids back to live with BM even when BM is less than ideal as a parent. The OP has not vilified the skids, or scapegoated them like many women on this site do. If she had "bad" skids or ones that were mean to her, would some of you be more be more supportive? I think so, I've seen it done countless times. Women would think she was more justified then. Women do this and worse all the time and they write about it on these forums and get support. Perhaps if she were bitching about how her FDH doesn't pay enough attention to her, has visitation and ignores the kids, or bitching about how selfish or spoiled her SD was? Get off your high horses, none of us behave perfectly in these situations.

It doesn't say a lot for her FDH as a human being and a parent, but I don't blame the OP for how she's feeling. I'd be more than happy to see my skids once a month... esp if I lived in a little apartment. So go ahead and crucify the both of us.

Gitana's picture

You know, I tell him

You know, I tell him frequently that if he wants to do what is best for his kids he should leave me. I tell him I am not going or be the best woman he could find when it comes to his other children. But I do promise to be a good wife and partner to him and mother of our children, because that is all I am really capable of offering to him at the moment. I don't have it in me, openly and honestly to care about these kids more than I care about any child who i do not know. Do I do some nice things for them when they come over? Yes I do. Do I put my fiancé in line when he bullies them or is too hard on them when disciplining? Yes, sometimes I do. But in the end I do not have natural feelings of love for them, and in fact they represent a lot of pain for me because of the emotions they bring up in me. So, I warn him constantly to please make the right decision for him and leave me if he really wants what is best for the kids, to leave me, to see them more, to be friendly with the BMs (something which now I do not tolerate). I am super, probably brutally honest with him about my stance. And I was honest from the begining because I did not want him to have unrealistic expectations of me and even more because I wanted to give him the chance to make the right decision for himself knowing all the facts, at this point I really am looking to stop beating my self up because it is ultimately his decision and I have done what I can do in being completely open and honest. Maybe one day I will be able or willing to do more for these other kids, but in the meantime I really want to take care of myself first, if he leaves me over this, I will understand why and accept it. Maybe it will even inspire me to change, I'm not really sure. I know that I don't want to live sacrificing myself for someone else's children, at least I feel that way right now. I feel it's enough of a responsibility to make sacrifices for my own family. Maybe one day i will decide that i need to leave because of this. I know that i am not unhelathy enough to stick around if a man is not treating me well, actually like a queen, and if he doesnt treat me right i will go! But i just dont want to leave a man who treats me amazingly and who i am madly in love with because of three kids who I feel indifferently towards. Even though I understand that if I were a saint I would put their needs above my own, I know all to well that I am not a saint, Maybe one day I will feel differently. But only time wil tell.

vermeulk's picture

"But in the end I do not have

"But in the end I do not have natural feelings of love for them"

Most of us Step parents do not have natural feelings of love towards the children that come from our partners past.

I know I do not. I care about them like any other child, but I know that once my little man comes to this world, my life will revolve around him, and my love for him will be different than any feelings I have for my fiances children.

It's soooo much different being a stepparent, and then being a biological parent. You have 9 months of carrying that baby in you, you feel him/her move before even meeting them... You know what is unusual while they are in your tummy... and then once he/she comes into the world, you just realize how much love and how much you are willing to put above and beyond for you child.

This is all normal. No one would expect you to have those exact same feelings towards someone elses kids. Some people do learn to love their step kids, some people never do. Everyone is different.

I do not have much feelings despite the ones I mentioned above towards my stepkids. I would try my best to be a caring support to them, but at the end of the day, I don't think I could sacrifice myself, my safety and that of my future son for my fiances kids... That maternal instinct is NOT there... They have a living mother, and a living father... My role is to be a loving partner for my FDH, and a helping hand when i can.

But if this guy is signing over these kids to their mom full time, that just goes to show you what type of guy he is. Someone you will eventually not be able to rely on, and having children with this guy would be the worst mistake you can make. Sorry to say!


Thorn in my heart's picture

You need to suck it up and

You need to suck it up and stick by this man. Keeps you both out of the dating pool. And really, down the road, don't surprised when he does the same thing to you and any kids you have together.

Tally hoe! Cool

Every man is guilty of all the good he did not do.

BSgoinon's picture

***SMDH*** Some people.


Some people.

"They were threatened by my intelligence and too stupid to know that is why they hated me."- Sheldon Lee Cooper

Una's picture

I have mixed thoughts. I

I have mixed thoughts. I have to say when I read your OP I was disgusted and in part agree with what a lot of people are saying, even though some of the comments are way too abusive and nasty for my liking.

On the other hand I admire you for being so honest with your BF. There are a lot of people that hide their true feelings from their partners, especially about the SK's, and I agree with Snowdrop, if you were the SM who was being bullied and your life made a living hell by your SK's I think a lot of the people who are abusing you would be praising you.

Each person is different and so is every situation, only you and your BF know the true picture, but having said all that, you do need to consider if someday this won't come 'bite' you in the ass. Have you considered what if you can't have children (him or you?), what will happen then? Will he then want to suddenly see his other children, because it's the only way he will get a family? What will you do, leave him then? If you're not even married yet and you are finding it hard to leave him, what about when you are married, do you think it will be any easier? You want him to make the decision to leave you, but you're not strong enough to leave him, yet you are strong enough to tell him exactly how you feel about his kids? I hope you can all come to some kind of happy compromise. Good Luck:)

Gitana's picture

Thank you for your thoughts.

Thank you for your thoughts. It's not so much that I am not strong enough to leave him, but that I don't want to because we are very happy and he treats me very well. The only reason I would be leaving is because of the two days a month which I hate because the kids are there and suddenly my one bedroom apartment feels like a day care center. Plus the dealings with the BM. Like now he refused to be friends with the BM of the older two kids and she took away visitation completely. And the other mother I feared her coming back for child support later. This is a main reason for signing over the paternal rights and responsibilities so that she could never come back for back-child support. But in the end other than this we have a great life together. If our life became unhappy (more than the usually uos and downs) or he didn't treat me right I would be strong enough to leave him. I have been in relationships where I am not being treated how I feel I deserve and I leave beacuase I know how I want to be treated. I am just not strong enough to leave for the bennifit of someone else's kids, because their is no emotional motivation behind that. If he leaves for the bennifit of his, that I can understand, because he is the one who loves and is supposed to love them. And I am willing to take and accept that if that is what he chooses. And I know that I have told him my whole truth so he has the info to decide.

Gitana's picture

Yes well there is no denying

Yes well there is no denying that I am selfish. I am not even trying to do deny that. But I know that when it comes to my own family, my future kids, even my dog I am extremely caring and generous. I just see the kids as outsiders and they don't fit into that circle for me. And yes I am selfish when it comes to this. But I would rather be selfish than a doormat. And I know some people can fall somewhere in between. But so far, I haven't found that ground.

snowdrop's picture

Much love to you Gitana.

Much love to you Gitana. Perhaps you could teach us all something about putting ourselves first and not pretending to be a feeling-less, all loving SAINT. That's what builds resentment and ruins marriages.

What you're saying and how you feel is how many of us feel!!! These kids feel like outsiders and they bring incredible stress to our lives and relationships. If we could have our husbands and families without them, most (if not ALL) of us would! And who wouldn't forgo child support if they could!?!

My DH would probably be less involved if he had that option too, but my skids' BM is too crazy and abusive for us to have that option (we actually have them 85% of the year!!!) Either way, like yours, my DH also told me that I (and the children we'll have in the future) are his priority, we're the ones he chose. We're the ones he wanted and loves-- not his accidents with a crazy woman. He loves skids and parents them. But they are not his life, they are his mistakes to deal with. I am his life, our baby will be his life. Like you said, I'm the queen in my relationship. I WISH we had the option of caring for them less and of traveling and having more of our own lives together... Perhaps your DH can find more balance between being your fiance and his children's father. But that's up to him to figure out, if he wants to.

There are potential good parts about being a stepmother. It is possible for you to feel a sense of family with your skids and FDH one day. It's not all bad (just mostly bad). Maybe in time you'll figure that out. In the meantime, do what's right for you and let your FDH deal with his kids and baby mommas. Keep talking your feelings out with him, it helps!!! One thing I'm learning about my blended family is that nothing stays the same, relationships, feelings and dynamics are always changing.

Gitana's picture

Thank you snowdrop... I would

Thank you snowdrop... I would welcome the day when the skids felt more like a family and less like a burden or threat. It's unfortunate that your husbands BM is unstable so all the burden falls of their dad (and you). I feel lucky that my fiances kids have very devoted moms because if not this may not be possible. One thing I thank my fiances past for is that because he lost his first family he is very careful not to lose me which is probably why he treats me well and makes sacrifices for our future. He desperately wants a family under one roof so he is very committed to our relationship to try and make that happen. I guess if his priority was finding someone who would be stepmom of the year the he wouldn't be with me. Smiling

Gitana's picture

First of all he pays child

First of all he pays child support for the two older kids, the ones who were part of the "family he lost". They were 1 and 2 when parents divorced, the child he signed off on was a business arrangement with an older woman about to go through menopause. The reason he signed off was because she swore never to collect child support (since she is very wealthy) and he signed to ensure this, not so he wouldn't have to see the kid because he still does see him. Not as much as the mother may like, or what you may think is appropriate but at least get your facts straight before being a hysterical loon about it. Smiling

snowdrop's picture

Oh Echo you're so angry and

Oh Echo you're so angry and mean all the time, seriously this can't be good for your health. Perhaps you should try yoga... or sedatives.

LOL @ hysterical loon.

Gitana's picture

You care so little of our

You care so little of our opinion of you but you care so much to make a million hateful comments... Mmm well either way you definitely are caring... No offense but you quote Gandhi, but he did not judge nor was he hateful. Take a note, we all have plenty to learn. I know I do but you certainly do too.

Thorn in my heart's picture

So he's pushing 40? And you

So he's pushing 40? And you are, what? 22?

Every man is guilty of all the good he did not do.

Gitana's picture

He is 36 and I am 29

He is 36 and I am 29

New second wife-step-mom's picture

He even wants to move out of

He even wants to move out of the country when we have babies and they are a little older. I wouldn't want to leave my parents so I was surprised he would leave his other children to move so far away but did say he would want them to come visit a week or two every year. But still I wouldn't want to leave my family personally. But I see that he can because his dream was always to have ONE, united family and I know a lot of people won't understand that and most people may not think that is right, it is definitely not what I would do to my own kids, but I still understand it.

^^^^^ THIS is just weird. So he wants to have ONE united family. Huh. It seems like to me that he wants to isolate you and his CHOSEN children from everyone else.

That gives me the creeps.

And as far as having a dream of ONE UNITED Family. Well, grow up big boy. You shouldn't have been putting your d-@&* just anywhere if you had a DREAM.

My parents have been married for 70 years but so what? Sometimes you have to put your big girl panites on and live with your mistakes and sometimes you have to live with someone elses mistakes too.

So make everyone else suffer because you have a dream! This guy needs to grow up and start taking responsibility for his actions. He has the poor me - victim mentality.

New second wife-step-mom's picture

Like someone else said... If

Like someone else said...

If you truly love someone you encourage them to be the best person they can be.

That does not mean you encourage them to do only what you want them to do or what is best for you.

You encourage them to be a well rounded responsible adult and that does not mean abandoning your children or shirking your responsibilities.

Those poor children that have to grow up in this world without the love of their father.

This just makes me sad.

Gitana's picture

I agree with you, but again I

I agree with you, but again I am only human. I encourage him to be better in 98% of the things in his life, health, business, husband, etc. etc,
Yes there is one thing which I don't because I have a string sensitivity to it. We can only do what we can do... A do a lot but the one thing I won't is the kids and he knows it. Yes it must suck for them that Dad decided that way but they didn't lose his love, he does love him, or at least he says he does, he sees them (even if it is not a lot) and he pays child support for them, plus pays for their extracurricular JiJitsu classes every month and gives them allowance, calls them for birthdays and big moments etc.... There are worse dads out there... Much worse

Una's picture

Gitana I really feel for you,

Gitana I really feel for you, beacuse you are being ambushed with abusive comments by people, most of whom to be honest wouldn't have the guts to tell their other halfs exactly what they thought of their SK's. You don't need to justify your actions to anyone. As for Echo going on about Karma, well I agree in Karma too, but Echo you're just forgetting that your posts to Gitana are also bringing that kind of Karma back in to your life too.

This forum is to help SP's to vent and get advice, why do people feel the need to be mean? If you don't like the situation there are other ways to say you disagree with someone then to post hateful things. We all live stressful lives especially as SP's, why can't we support and give constructive advice than cause more stress to eachother?.

As i said before, best of luck Gitana.

Una's picture

As an after thought, Gitana

As an after thought, Gitana maybe you could consider not being a part of your Partner's kids life but allowing him to continue being a part of theirs? Maybe the two days that they are around you could go be with your family? That way he gets to be a dad to his kids but you don't have to be around to have it rubbed in your face. Anyway, it's just a thought. Smiling

Gitana's picture

Thank you Una. That is kind

Thank you Una. That is kind of my stance as of now. He calls and spends time with them and I usually do not partake in it. He used to try and get me to but now he accepts that I go to dinner with my family or go to the gym etc. when they are here. Usually one of the nights I will watch a movie with them and sometimes cook dinner etc... There are certain things I don't allow like friendships with the BM (because it has just lead to boundary crossing) and also if he is going to give any somewhat large amounts of money other then child support, JiJitsu school and allowance I need to be consulted and agree. But other than that it is on him, he could go visit them in Connecticut every week if he wanted but he has never chosen to do so.