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Has anyone survived a crazy ex?

Strong mom's picture

My fiancée's ex is making our lives miserable. She lies, tells her kids bad things about us and accuses my kids of being bad influences. I see a lot of posts from people who say they wish they hadn't married into the drama and encouraging others to get out before they get married. I am just wondering if there are any stories from people who felt that way and now have grown skids and are now happily married.

Kes's picture

I am happily married to my DH - we have been together 11 years. His daughters were 5 and 7 when I met him, and we had nightmareish problems with his crazy ex wife - the NPD BM - for years. I disengaged from his kids and encouraged him to disengage from the ex and to set STRONG boundaries for her - ie if she so much as raised her voice on the phone he would end the conversation.

NPD BM is still a problem, but nowhere near what she was when we first met - we don't hear from her that often. To give an example of what she used to be like - she claimed to have reported DH for child abuse to Social Services. When DH rang them, they had never heard of her - she'd made it up. My SDs are now 16 and 18 and we still get stress, but it is not as bad as it used to be. I have two adult daughters with whom he gets on fine.

Cocoa's picture

you CAN be happy, but it depends solely on how strong a parent your fiancee is and how willing he is to make sure your happiness comes before any drama bm creates. if he's willing to dicipline his children, demand respect for you, and put bm in her role as simply the other parent who has absoluely no say as to what occurs in your home, you have a chance. if he understands that your wants and needs come before the skid wants, you have a chance. if he doesn't expect you to step in and mother his kids and takes responsibility for them himself and expects bm to do her share, you have a chance. if he doesn't see you as a maid and his sugar momma and has enough income to both take care of his child support obligations AND help provide for your long term goals as a married couple, maybe. he has to understand that when he marries you, he's taking on an important responsibility, one that he makes an oath to place you before ALL others, go for it. but, make sure he is proving this while being a fiancee, rather than find out AFTER marriage. you need to have a serious discussion with him now to see if your vision and goals matches up with his. i don't know how many times on these boards women were duped. they believed they ere creating a life with the man they love only to find out that all he wanted was a maid, sugar momma and to be a disney daddy. be very sure.

msg1986's picture

Wow Cocoa, I'm going to print this out and show it to my FDH.. Thank you, this couldn't have been layed out better than how you said it.

fedup13's picture

I could not agree with this anymore if I had written it myself!!! So true. It truly is most all up to DH and whether he has a backbone or not. If he is a spineless pushover like mine is most of the time, well, then, you are in for a very emotional crazy making life. I was duped. I married a Disney Daddy that allows his son, who is now 5, to run his life, run the show, run all over him, all over me, all over everyone. He chooses to stick his head in the sand and just pretend like nothing is wrong, nothing is happening, because it is easier and because he is in constant competition with BM to see who this brat will like the most. What these two idiots don't see, BM and DH, is that this kid is already on to this and works it to his advantage, plays it for all it is worth, runs them ragged jumping thru hoops to please him, tells each one of them that they are his favorite when he is with them, that he wants to live only with them, then turns around and tells the other the same thing. Quote: "if he's willing to dicipline his children, demand respect for you" this is what SHOULD happen, no ifs ands, or buts about it, but in my case, that is not what happens. Before I disengaged and removed myself from SS and BM's life except for when I have no choice (like when SS is in my home on DH's nights off), before that, I was treated like complete crap by SS, disrespected from the time his eyes flew open until he decided he wanted to go to sleep, when I would get my fill and get tired of waiting for DH to step in and do the right thing by me, when I would get on to SS or attempt to put him in time out or bed, I was the bad guy, this kid would act as if the devil himself was after him, go into total hysterics (all put on all fake all for show), run to DH and scream and squall and act totally infantile, and DH would hug him and cuddle him and tell him it was ok he didn't have to go to bed, he didn't have to go to time out, and glare at me and tell me to shut up and stay out of it, in front of SS who over DH's shoulder was grinning and glaring in absolute glee of my defeat. Now, when SS is in my home and he starts his crap, I leave, go to my room, or make MAKE DH take him outside or to hell or wherever they want to go just so long as it is away from me. I would not wish this life upon anyone and if I had known how it would be I would have never gotten married no matter how much I love this man outside of his horrid parenting and horrid child.

Strong mom's picture

My FDH is on my side all the way. He is even ready to pursue her legally for the allegations she started making. He will not give up his kids, which is what I think she really wants, but will not tolerate her making my life miserable. I know there are many men without children but this is the one I love and I feel like engagement is already a commitment to him and to our future.

StepmomDisgstd's picture

Well said Cocoa, wish some one would have given me that same advice b4 I stepped boldly into this drama fest that my DH,SD and BM have going on.

*advice is free...experience cost*

giveitago's picture

We are over the worst with BM now that the SKids are of age. She is never going to change her ways so no point in expecting anything different! Lately she has taken to calling DH constantly but he does not answer the phone. If he does answer it he sets it down somewhere and walks away and leaves her ranting to herself. Even if he blocked her number she'd just use another phone...better the devil we know!

hereiam's picture

I survived the crazy (that would be a great t-shirt).

Your fiance has to set boundaries with his ex, stick to them, and not let her manipulate him. And not let her use the kids to manipulate him. The crazy ones love to do that.

There is not much you can do about the lies except show the kids by example that she is lying. Never bad mouth her.

Your fiance should know all of his legal rights and not let the ex use the threat of court to manipulate and blackmail him.

He should not engage in conversations with her that do not directly relate to the kids.

I did not engage with BM at all. In 16 years, I have spoken to her less than a handful of times. I did have to let her know in the beginning that I would sue her for harassment if she messed with me.

I feel bad for my SD21 that her parents couldn't actually co-parent but the fact that her mother is bat shit crazy made that impossible. We have absolutely nothing to do with BM now that SD is an adult. We do not speak to her, we do not see her. All is good!

Orange County Ca's picture

There must be a million people out there without children of marriagable age. You only need one.

herewegoagain's picture

^^^^ couldn't agree more!

We have "survived", but our lives are forever changed as the drain to our bank accounts has been almost impossible to surpass. In addition, DH has no relationship at this point with his daughter. Our son has suffered the worst. He has no sister, we couldn't afford to have another thanks to crazy witch either and his future is not as secure as it would have been had crazy witch not taken so much from us for her frivolous expenses, ie. getting her nails done, coach purses and taking care of her other pathetic kids.

So, yes, we survived. Yes, we are still together. No, things aren't great. So if you mean survive, yes. If you mean survive with no or minimal impact, no.

fedup13's picture

I can GAURANTEE you that if, most likely when, my SS and DH's parenting and treatment of me ruin my marriage, I will not care if Brad Pitt himself wanted to date me. I will NEVER EVER EVER even speak to another man again if he has children or has been married before. No way.

stepalong's picture

Hi Strong Mom,

We have survived the crazy, but it is NOT possible if your husband isnt a rockstar. My husband is great w/ boundaries, not enabling and isnt prone to drama. If your BF/DH is not the same, hang on.

I think we had been married maybe a couple months and in that time DHR was called to our house b/c of supposed abuse, the ex punched my husband at the soccer fields in front of sd who was 8 at the time, she flung a squeegee thing they have at gas stations at him and it hit him in the face, police called x1, sent hundreds of harrasing, mean lying texts, accused us of doing "sexual sh*t" in front of her dtr, she confronted me at a school play and called me b*tch across the auditorium, etc etc etc. So I say all that to say we had plenty of ammo should we have wanted to engage. The thing is, we didnt. My husband's goal and subsequently mine, was to live our life independent of the ex. That means her bheavior doesnt influence who we are or how we live. We are not ugly and disrespectful to people in general, and we werent going to let her make us ugly and disrespectful to her. We never bad mouthed her to sd. We have never been ugly to her. We did have to confront sd about # of issues (she lied about things at first too-she and her mom fed off each other) (well DH would confront it, and I would be there), so it's not like we just stuck our head in the grounds. But the overarching principle we had was that we know the truth, we are not perfect, but live how we live and we're not going to let a truly emotionally unstable person drag us into some drama filled craphole. So 3 years later, mom has figured out that we just simply dont engage and really my husband has in essence shaped her behavior. He's not been passive aggressive about it, but he doesnt speak w/ her if she's ugly. He simply just says he's done talking and hangs up. He confronts sd when necessary if she's spinning 2 sides to the story depending on where she is, so sd has learned lying doesnt benefit her. I NEVER respond to texts from ex, her relationship is w sd and my husband, not me. So she doesnt text me anymore. Just dont engage. If you dont engage, the crazy can only go so far. Be honest & above reproach as best you can. Don't bad mouth, and live your life well. Let them be crazy if they want.

not2sureimsaneanymore's picture

We survived the crazy after only a year and a half of terrorization. DH decided enough was enough, and set the firmest boundaries in probably the history of firm boundaries (i.e. step within 500 feet of me or my wife or any of our homes and I WILL shoot you in the head.)

If your DH won't be on top of it, the hopes of surviving crazy with the least amount of scarring is impossible.

misSTEP's picture

YES!! We have been together for 14 years and married for 11. Both skids are of age now and CS is ending in 100 days (WOOT!!).

DH hasn't had to talk to the psycho ex in about 3-4 years now and the last text she even sent him was over a year ago.

It CAN be done. Luckily for us, she saw her gravy train was ending and ensnared some other victim who got her preggo AND married her (sucker!!). So, she is more focused on him now than trying to make OUR lives miserable.