BM and communication..... HOW TO HANDLE THIS?
After months and months of BM sending email and text after email and text degrading DH each and every time. He finally let me reply to one. And I let her have it. She sent one email after that and we haven't heard anything since. Problem is visitation that is monthly is not a set weekend. So that means we have to have contact with her to set up our weekend with the boys. Per our papers we have to try to keep it on a holiday or when the kids are out of school for something. So we made our calendar of when they have a day off. We emailed. Got no response. So DH called her phone. SS15 answered. She refuses to speak to DH. We have disrupted her schooling and she won't have it anymore. Bitch please........... So DH tells SS hey I emailed about this month then SS says yea it doesn't work dad. DH says huh? Yeah dad emailing doesn't work for you she is in the background you tell him his visitation is THIS friday then sme other stuff he couldn't hear.Then DH says well there is no school on the 21st or the 25th. She tells SS the 21st. That's our option. THIS IS WHY I have said all along we need DESIGNATED weekends. Because she wants to control every single thing. So DH hung up with SS. Then five minutes later tried calling again. She made SS answer. He doesn't want his son in the middle. So now we are at a loss on what to do for communication. I said we should gather up the next two months worth of days off pick what weekend works for us and write her a letter and send it certified mail. AND on top of that he should attempt to call her on the first of every month to establish which weekend would be his for that month. I don't know what other options to do. She has blocked us from everything else. Evidently when we finally fired back at ALL her emails that were so degrading to DH she didn't like the things we finally pointed out to her. So therefore we are now blocked. She complains NON STOP about money. Yet refuses to work. So I kindly told her to get a job. Stop complaining. Live within her means and she won't be so broke that she can't drive her daughter 5 miles so she can get the counseling she needs. Yea DH set up counseling for SD in the town THEY live in. BM was relentless regarding this issue because her "baby" is depressed over loosing her daddy..... (because DH is a POS...) so DH finds a counselor that specializes in father/daughter relationships. He pays for it. And the bitch can't/won't drive her daughter there because she can't afford the gas for those five miles ONE DAMN DAY A week. Yet we are the POS parents... ugh
So any other ideas on how to make sure we attempt all contact possible regarding visitation so that way when we drag her ass back to court it shows that we tried all resources and she was unresponsive.
You should have stayed out of
You should have stayed out of it. Written the letter, "let her have it," and then thrown in away.
Now you get to pay the consequences of having a severely pissed off BM. Have fun.
Same thing happened with my
Same thing happened with my skids BM!! OMG its ridiculous isnt it!!! they can be rude and vicious all they want, our one ven bought in my parents to be rude about?! Its bullsh*t but thats how it is because they need to be able to control DH, very sad people. What we done when she wouldnt text bk about visitation was just ignored her, MIL stopped taking skids for her when she needed to go out etc, and in the end DH didnt take the girls for 3 weeks, which hurt him soo much but if shes not listening or reply then what can he do? he threatened her with court and she didnt give a damn nor that becasue of her and her solely the kids werent seeing their dad.well it was a nice 3 weeks off for me and DH I'm not going to lie, especially knowing that she was struggling. she text my MIL tot ake the girls, saying shes finding it too hard etc, but for once she took her sons side and said no. That bi*tch needs to learn the hard way, which she bought on herself.Now visitation is back to normal but with an added benefit that she doesnt text my DH other than to say 'they will be ther ein 15mins' or 'will drop skids at 5 on friday'. brilliant!! and with that she doesnt even do it, her skank of a mum does, but its SOOO much less hassle and my DH can have a nice time with his kids without having to deal with a mouthful of stupidness on pickup from her!and no more nasty texts!
I dont know if that will work for you, but if your skids are teenagers then sureley they can make up their own minds and organise with their dad when they want to come over?
While I appreciate the
While I appreciate the cathartic effects of "letting her have it" .. it's really not appropriate or helpful, especially coming from you .. ever.
Emails should be very to the point; discuss the immediate issue at hand. Write like a lawyer would write. Avoid any and all personal emotion or insults. Avoid the little jabs and digs at BM.
Email regularly regarding your visitation requests and let her know that DH will not be discussing these issues through SS or through phone conversations.
If she doesn't respond to your emails, show up when you said you are. If she denies visitation, document it. Take her to court and show the judge that you've tried to communicate, and she refuses.
Agreed .. at a minimum, I
Agreed .. at a minimum, I don't see how any judge would deny a clearly defined visitation schedule .. especially when it's clear that the existing schedule is sporadic and unorganized (clearly not good for the kid).
No. This is stuff DAD needs
No. This is stuff DAD needs to do. I'm sorry, but it should be between the parents.
I would just send the
I would just send the certified letter. Although expensive, I would continue to do that. Make copies of everything.
Hopefully when you "let her have it," you remained professional (this is possible to do) and didn't sink to her level.
Let me clarify why I sent her
Let me clarify why I sent her an email. HER email was addressed to me. I will not stand by and let somebody tear me down and rip apart how I see fit to raise my own kids. Or how her ex husband and myself see fit to handle their kids when they are in the HOME I pay for.
It was not an epic fail in my eyes. I told her the following things:
If you want your children to have everything they dream of. Help out and get a job.
If you can't afford something don't buy it. If you want our help then by all means call us and ask us before you make BIG purchases for the children to make sure we have the extra cash to help. You can't just call after buying it and demand half of the money then get mad when we can't.
I changed jobs for a higher pay and work more hours to help contribute to all the children in our lives. I am helping to raise ALL the kids.
When we need to talk it needs to be to the point about visitation and nothing more. The past is the past I don't want to hear about how DH didn't take your garbage out.
There are appropriate hours to have conversations and texts and phone calls. After 10pm is not appropriate and before 7am in not appropriate. As I pay ALL the bills in my home. I will not allow our phones to go off at midnight or 2,3 or 4am any longer. I will block your number all together if you and DH can't talk at an appropriate time. My son and I don't need woke up to that sort of crap.
When I say I let her have it that's the extent of let her have it. I don't know what you all thought I could have said to her but I'm not degrading. I'm not a name caller and I'm certainly not going to say a whole bunch of stuff that will limit my time with those boys. I love those boys.
If she had not addressed the email to me I would gladly have not responded but I felt I needed to.
If she didn't like the truth then she should not have emailed. She should be grateful I work my ass off so her kids have the things they need.
I said my peace and she didn't like it so she blocked us from emailing. After the thousands of nasty emails from her I responded to the ONE she sent me. There isn't a single email from this woman that is strictly to the point. She sends pages. Then he replies with the same question as the original email and she sends another one that is pages. Then he replies again with the same question. It's a cycle for her. It's her high. To degrade him and make him feel inferior so she feels better about herself. Usually we have to sift through at least ten emails before we get one that has the answer to our question hidden in it someplace between you POS I have no gas money or I had to borrow money from my BF to get to school this week cuz you don't give us enough CS.
I personally don't think what I did was wrong. Nor do I think I was rude or out of line. The things she has called me or said about me or spread about me far out weigh me asking her to do a few simple things.
When she emails him it's
When she emails him it's always to DH and SM.......... so this time I replied as most of that email was directed at me. More clarification.....
I disagree - I used to think
I disagree - I used to think this and let DH handle everything. And he did stick up for us, but people like BM are usually passive aggressive. They are used to duking it out with DH, walking on him, and getting the skids involved in the mix to get their way. If you keep your cool, but make it very clear that you will not tolerate any nonsense on your property, in email to your home (to DH or you), in text to you or DH, or on the phone to your or DH, they will stop. If they don't, you just involve the police. It won't stop otherwise, and the worst feeling in the world (for me anyways) is to just have to sit there and take it. SM's have the right to defend themselves from any stranger that attacks them, including BM.
If your husband was having an
If your husband was having an emotional affair, but you didn't see the emails, would it still be wrong? I feel the same way about BM emailing my DH with snotty comments, calling me names, and making demands that have nothing to do with the skids (like asking him to come over to fix her shower).
When I am married to someone (I've been married twice - first DH passed away and wouldn't ever have cause problems anyway) I expect that we won't have secrets, hidden emails, issues, etc. For the most part, I totally stay out of whatever DH and BM have to figure out for the skids, which is minimal at this point since there is just SS13. However, I will no longer allow her to call me names, make screaming demands of DH, try to have "conversations" with him in front of my house, call my house yelling, or disrupt my happiness in any way. Nor will I stand by while she degrades my DH. I am married to him -she is not. I wouldn't let a family member, friend, neighbor, or stranger treat me or DH this way, and I for damn sure won't sit by quietly while BM does. He always tells her to stop, but she is used to acting like this with him. The best decision we ever made was to block her from every form of communication with us, except for two calls a month from DH to notify her that he is picking up SS13. She is NUTS and neither of us are required to deal with her crap.
^ me too ^
^ me too ^
Agreed - degrading someone,
Agreed - degrading someone, making totally unreasonable demands, and name calling is the desparate act of a control freak. If a stranger, family member, or friend acted like BM, would you sit back, say nothing, and let DH handle it? Of course not, you would let them know that their behavior is unacceptable and not going to be allowed. BM thinks that you aren't tellin HER this because it might cause problems between you and DH or you and the skids. Therefore, she is able to control you as well as DH, by using the skids - her one poker chip.
I am not advocating going off on BM or calling names, but telling her the truth in no uncertain terms and letting her know that the authorities will be involved if she continues her harassment of you OR DH is not wrong.