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In a Tough Spot

Trishi's picture

I'm in a tough spot and dealing with the biggest struggle of my life thus far. My husband and I met 10 years ago and married almost 8 years ago. I have three children who were 4, 6 and 7 when we met and who are now 14, 16 and 17. My husband had two children who are now 28 and 31. In the beginning when my kids were small, all was well. My husband tried to be the Dad my kids didn't have and they loved him. The only issue we ever had was that my son didn't 'bond' with my DH. They didn't enjoy the same things and really didn't understand eachother, but they loved eachother.

Everything was okay until the became and started to become teenagers. All of the sudden, everything that went wrong in life was my husband's fault. The would come to him when they wanted things, because they feel is was more liberal and fair, but when he tried to enforce a rule or lay down the law, they despised him for it. They pulled some real stunts, especially my oldest daughter.

My husband is a very kind and loving man. His problems are he thinks his kids are perfect and compares mine to his all of the time. He doesn't generally accpet blame for his fault in things. He blames what he does on the actions of others. He also blows up and gasses off when he's mad and then when he calms down, can't figure out why everyone else is upset. He is very opinionated, very old school and very set in his ways.

In July my husband and I separated due to financial issues. I was in charge of fiances, didn't handle them well and when he found out, he walked. I had made quite a mess of things. However, he had chose not to be a part of them or ask about them for a couple of years. We were separated for a month but worked thru it. During that time, my middle daughter went and stayed with my mom. It was to be for a month to let her cool down, but she still isn't back and says she won't come back as long as he is here.

My oldest daughter moved out about a month ago. She didn't want to follow the rules anymore, wanted to have sleepovers with her boyfriend and bascially it was just time for her to go. My husband caught her smoking and told her that when she turned 18 in March, she needed to get her own place. She retaliated by going on a date and not coming back. Instead, went and got her own place.

At Christmas time, my husband, who says he is at the end of his rope with us all, got into it with me over my son. He feels that Ryan is disrespectful to him and me, doesn't care about anyone but himself, is anti-social and rude. To some degree, he may be right. Ryan left to go spend the night with my daughter on Christmas night and hasn't come back. This is because my husband has said he doesn't want him back in "his" home.

Due to some things my kids have done since then, he has now said that he never wants my kids to "darken his doorstep again" and that they are not welcome in his home and that he doesn't want my future grandchildren around his future grandchildren providing bad influence. He also told me he is done visiting with my family, which is a mute point because due to the kid situation, they aren't speaking to me anyhow.

When it is just him and I, things are really good. We've been to hell and back and our love always seems to carry us thru, until lately. Part of me feels like he is with me for financial reasons and part of me feels like he is with me because he feels trapped. At this point, I can't even say I know he is with me because he loves me that much.

I find myself in a bad spot. If I stay with my husband, my kids will resent me and I may lose any relationship there is to have with them, including with their chidren someday. But, I get to keep the man I love and I am not breaking my marriage vows. The Bible does say that your husband comes before your children.

If I leave my husband and go to my children, then I lose the man I love and I may wind up with children who still treat my horribly and disrespectfully and then it was all for not. On top of that, he is stuck with the marital debt that I created and has to sell the house to pay it off.

I feel like I can't win here. Unless there is a miracle from God himself, I don't see my husband changing his mind. I'm just so torn and I honestly don't know what the right thing to do is. I go back and forth several times each day.

Any insight or advice to help me out?

melis070179's picture

I think you need to go to counseling with your husband. He sounds very resentful towards you for the money issue and your children. I don't see either of you ever being happy if you are not at ease with your children. You will resent him for making you choose, they will resent you if you choose your husband. Yes, a marriage should be put first. But this marriage is in its own serious trouble as a result of the financial issue. I would seek counseling with your husband and see how that goes, but either way, your children are still minors and you are responsible for them. It will not work with your DH if he cannot work out his differences with your kids. He should not be comparing his children to yours. In his own head, fine, but not out loud. No child is the same, they had different lives & upbringings. Everyone has their own faults. I don't know what it is that your kids have done but it is your responsibility to parent them and make them show respect to your husband.

"Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy"

lynn2008's picture

Sorry to hear about your dilemma. I'm sure you feel like you are stuck in the middle.

My advice is to stick by your husband. He has been through lots with the kids and has probably reached his wits end. I've been there too. It almost destroyed my marriage. The fact that he is still there tells me he loves you.

Your kids will eventually come around. If you choose them over DH, you will probably end up alone. It sounds like they are living their own lives.

You deserve happiness and it sounds like DH makes you happy. I would let him know that you support his wishes and make sure that your kids know this too. Maybe this is the wake up call they need to grow up.

I hope this helps.

SD has moved out! Happy days are here again!!

byebye's picture

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Never Ending's picture

Your children are 14 16 and 17, they are teenagers and they need you. They are still just kids and have not grown up yet. Dont let your kids fall in the cracks because of your troubled marriage. I would reconnect with them asap, especially the oldest one and hopefully the younger ones will follow, maybe Ryan is looking for attention. Most teenager are rude and disrespectful, teenage years are not easy, but for them wanting to be out of the house that is disturbing

You have been married for 10 years, where is your husband's bond with them? The youngest was only 4 and the oldest 7 when you met

I would seek counseling, but I would keep in contact with the kids, let them know that your still their Mom, love them. They are still just kids

Its called Marital Debt...because both parties are involved, was he totally blind to the financial situation or was he just ignoring it hoping that it would go away or he could blame you. When letters and phone calls start coming in..he should of gotten a clue ...how can you not get involved with you partner for a couple of years about finance. Dont blame yourself about money, he lived in the same house,,,

your kids are way more important then any bill.

Trishi's picture

He says he won't go to counseling. He says he will never have my children in his life again, that he no longer loves them. The things they have done do not warrant the actions from him. They don't drink, they don't carouse, they get good grades. They are just sick of him blowing up on them and me. The fact that he says they cannot come here to visit me and that my grandchildren are never allowed in his house is what really bothers me. It's almost like he wants me to leave. I do think he's at his wit's end, but I also he could put forth alot more effort.

Sellissa's picture

You are in a tough spot.Children are children and teens are teens and family is family. I strongly urge you to get counseling. "Blended Family coundeling". if you can
t afford it, seek coundeling from your paster, but, I went through something similar, 3 teens, not happy with my choice of a stepfather and the stepfather feeling resentful of ANY attention, especially "special" attention, one of my teens might of needed. Now they are all grown, out of the house and my husband still resents them. I finally divorced my husband 6 months ago, (he won't go away) but, husbands come and go, your children are your children. Get it? 3 children take SO much more energy and attention than one or two, and sometimes you miss stuff. My 3 drove me CRAZY. They are all fine now and adults and my BEST FRIENDS. Put your foot down, with the husband and the kids. You won't regret it.