Oh I am weepy today and I am not usually the weepy type. It's exhaustion from the week. I hear SD19 getting ready for work, so soon it will be time to have some alone time with DH. And read my letter. Wish me luck and keep praying. Thanks, GFs.

Where the fuck is Rags lol? I am baring toxic asses here! LOL

~ Moon

I just read it. He didn't want me to play the audio, but now he knows I have it. I was calm when I read it, had to stop once because I was getting upset. DH is still sticking up for SD19! He says he knows I don't want to hear it, but BM would always give SD19 crap and they argued all of the time! I told DH that I understood why she is so defensive and overly-sensitive, but it doesn't excuse her behavior. I told DH I wanted my home back. I wanted my marriage back.

DH said that SD19 and I need to go to counseling alone. That's not happening anytime soon. I told him I have a therapist and SD19 needs to start going for help on her own. DH said he spoke to her for an hour the other day while they were finding a therapist for her. He told SD19 that she has a problem and she needs to work on it. I see this as DH blaming SD19's behavior on BM, and now he wants SD19 and I to go sit in a room and work it out together with a therapist. DH won't have to lift a finger.

DH asked what is he supposed to do? Kick her out? I said there is one more week before she leaves for the beach, and then one day back before leaving for school. We need to figure something out for the future. He didn't seem to hear shit about me feeling unsafe in my home, or about how smashing into doors and throwing things at me is NOT NORMAL.

He is so dense he does't even realize that she will be this desperate and ill-equipped for life, for a very long time.

~ Moon

I told DH I didn't want to go to the charity benefit tonight with him, our "date." I agreed it might be good for me to get out, but after this week, I need my rest and some down time. He has "pushed the reset button" and is being sweet to me. I made it clear to him that SD19 really put the nail in the coffin this past week and I am doing absofuckinglutely NOTHING for her now. I will not go to therapy with her until she grows up. I don't see that happening. I told DH that she has to do this on her own, that he never asks anything of her and I am done! I told him I have been in my room all day today not just because I don't want to be around her as usual, but because I am SO MAD about Tuesday that I will most certainly go off on her if she even looks at me! Then we'd have a semi-repeat of Tuesday except I have NO FILTER LEFT! None!

DH left my room for awhile to run some errands. When he came back he said he is going to give her an ultimatum. I kept asking "For WHEN?" I wasn't sure if he meant Monday, September or Christmas break. Finally I made him make it clear to me. Evidently, SD19 has narrowed down a few therapists that are near school. I asked DH, "So she doesn't even have an appointment yet? WTF?! She hasn't worked all week and has been sitting ON HER ASS IN MY HOME doing NOTHING!!" And she was "tired." I reminded DH to get her happy ass ready for the real world because she has no clue what "tired" can mean!!

DH's ultimatum (so he says...) is that if SD19 does not get to an appointment THIS WEEK before she goes to the beach, then she is not coming back into the house. He also said that he needs to be in therapy with her. "Ding" DH! I asked if he knew what Borderline Personality Disorder was? He tried to scoff it off, and I said "No, you had better look that one up, because that's what we're dealing with! Oedipus Complex, much, DH? Who do you want sleeping in your bed tonight?! She has ALL of the power because you have given it to her. She is the lady of the house except she doesn't share the same bed with you! You are too scared to put her in her place because #1) You don't want to hear her shit mouth, and #2) You're afraid to hurt little SD19's fragile feelings! HOW do you think I feel? I am the only sane one left in this house!!!!"

I was talking evenly and gently, if you can call it that, but I sure emphasized my choice words. For the first time I seriously told DH that SD19 had to get her head checked. I said she has always had self-esteem issues, she's been insecure, she's been a binge eater. All of these weaknesses yet she can spew off that sassy RUDE mouth to me. He said that she and her BoyF broke up because of the arguing.

Karma's a bitch and then you get dumped. Everyone around poor widdle SD19 is growing up, getting real FT jobs, passing their college courses, MATURING......and widdle Princess SD19 just can't keep up, because the world is a scary place and she doesn't want to be uncomfortable. Uncomfortable, MY ASS. "Why can't someone just be NICE to meeeeeee?" I told you already SD19, because YOU'RE A CUNT. CUNT CUNT CUNT. CUNT!!! (sorry, fragile people.....)

I told DH I was DONE being the scapegoat and being uncomfortable with a rude, no-manners teen in my home. DONE.

We'll see if she gets her ass to therapy. Hell, I even go twice a week and I am the furthest from nuts under this roof! Thanks for the vent.

~ Moon

I believe he is just trying to scare her into going to therapy. I don't see him booting her out of the house, but it's only a week until she's gone. Feels good to say that. JustAGirl42, you nailed it. Because when SD19 isn't here, things are much nicer, much cleaner, non-toxic.

I get three paychecks in July, so my savings for the month will be 50% higher than I thought. I said that when I went, I wanted to "live large." The only places that allow dogs are big single family homes with land. That is what I'm saving for. I also need to save for an attorney.

I'm not stupid, this isn't going to change. All I have is the fact that SD19 will be back at school and OUT. She boasted about not coming home for winter break because she can stay in her campus apartment. I will note that and make sure she does't come around if I am still here. I have lasted since May 20th, I will last a few more days. The difference is, I am really speaking my mind to DH and he is visibly uneasy now. I told him when I read that letter that moving out and dating is an option. He heard me, but will he act? Probably not.

I'll continue to save.

~ Moon

BechersBrook made a good point about SD19. She'll have to admit she has a problem first before she can move on. She was yelling at DH on Tuesday saying it was BOTH our faults (she and I). I think it was just to make DH feel better. So, now I can breathe a little since she'll be leaving soon. But.......

The one thing that has weighed heavily on my mind throughout this entire year, with growing intensity, is that she'll NEVER BE GONE. A few weeks ago I really thought to myself for the first time, "Do I even want to KNOW about her through DH, even when she's out of the house? Not just college, but afterwards?" I so don't give a fuck about this toxic bitch. I almost feel like a bully, laughing inside my head at how pathetic and fucked-up this girl is when she tries to act like she has it all together.

So, you all know my thoughts have changed, not to just getting her out of my home, but getting myself out of here. Because it will never change. And who nows what happy shit will come my way in the fall when SD13 enters HS? It started in March when I began saving my money and looking for rentals. Just a few weeks ago SD13 was my source of worry and aggravation. SD13 growing into an enabled, entitled little bitch like her sister. Right now SD13 is laying low and is like a deer in the headlights. We are getting along fine. DH asked me to spend some time with her last night and I replied, "After the shit you and OSD19 have put me through this week? You want me to hang with SD13? NO, I need time for me." He heard me.

DH also said that SD19 is only like this with ME. I said that's because I actually expect something from her. Respect and cleanliness in my own home! No one else has to ask anything of her except for maybe a ride somewhere, which SD19 is happy to do, since she's a wanna-be at her sorority right now. The first thing I replied to DH was that, "Her BM is DEAD. I am the other woman. I am sleeping in your bed in this home. She can't fucking stand it. Tell her to grow up and be respectful and her life will be easier. She is making me the scapegoat for ALL of her problems."

I must say it's nice with no filter, telling DH what I really think of his daughter. I've been holding those kinds of things in for so long! I need to face the facts, though and start packing. I need to go through all of my clothes and give things away, start clearing out. When I go, I want it to be swiftly, with no turning back. I am an extreme forward-thinker. I just have to accept this next phase of this fucked-up journey.....SD19 may be getting out of this house, but she will never be out of my life unless "I" do something. Like draw my line in the sand.

I am trying as best I can to be strong. My body feels like crying and then my brain is like, "Meh, it's not worth it," and I can't even get that release. Maybe I'll dance instead. As long as I don't lose my mind. I won't lose my damn mind.

~ Moon