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Where do I stand?

Lainey80's picture

Long one here -- I've been living with my SO and his 4 sons for the past 3.5 years. His sons are ages 17, 14,12, and 11. He has full custody of them, and they go with their mom on the weekends. Their mother is an alcoholic, and she does not pay much attention to them when she has them so they end up being able to do things they wouldn't be allowed to do when they are here with us (i.e. going outside to hang out with their friends unsupervised, hanging out til 5am with their "adult" cousins-21-25yo, etc.). Problem is that they are doing things they shouldn't be doing when they are with her. We took away their phones and she gave them new ones and told them to hide the phones from us. Well, I've confiscated these phones and found snapshot videos of them vaping and smoking weed while with her on the weekends. I should mention she also has some of their friends stay over and i know one of the kids that was also smoking in the video. First, it was the oldest, now I came across a video of the oldest and the 14 year old smoking weed together, saw the 14year old vaping, as well as the 11 year old (he was 10 at the time) while in his mother's house, sitting at her dining room table and other people can be seen behind him in the kitchen right behind him... She goes to play volleyball ball and leaves them to play basketball in another court in the park, she's driven drunk with them in the car,  they are constantly whispering amongst themselves and they are very sneaky hiding things. The father knows because I've told him, I told him I've seen the videos, but he never asks to see them and even after I've told him he doesn't say anything to them until days later. He feels that he shouldn't hit them and he feels that he shouldn't stop them from going with tgeir mother. He has, however, hit them in the past but he feels like if they are going to smoke they're going to do it no matter what. He also feels like if he takes the hard line against them they are going to feel like he doesn't love them. But then I see how they are and I see how they think they can do these things because he doesn't punish them. I told the oldest one I saw these videos and he said "well, dad already knows I smoke", then the 14 year old just said "what's he going to do?" And shrugged his shoulders. Any time I bring these things up with SO we end up arguing because he doesn't feel like my solutions are right. I for one would not them go with their mother as frequently as they do. I think he doesn't like confrontation, and the times he has punished them he doesn't follow through. He made his oldest stay home for getting caught at school vaping told him he would be grounded and would have to write an essay about what he wants to do with himself after HS and that he would need to take care of the outside and do yard work, but he never followed up.... No essay, no yard work, and on top of that he took him out fishing and gave him his phone while he was out fishing but never bothered to ask for it back. I just feel like he's a very hands off parent and I really care for these kids but there's not much I can do because he's told me in front of them that I can't discipline them and they are his kids not mine. Tells me I don't have kids of my own so I don't know how to be a parent. Mind you, im the one that wakes up every morning to make them breakfast and get them to school, I'm the one that picks them up everyday, I'm the one that helps them with homework, takes them to dentist and doctors appointments, I'm the one here when he's out fishing for hours (he does this frequently) but i can't discipline them? I'm stuck and not even sure where I stand. Looking for advice.

Lainey80's picture

I should also add that I told him about the video with his 17 smoking with the 14yo and afterwards when he saw them he didn't start anything to them. They don't know I told him but it was like I hadn't said anything he didn't even ask to see the video... It's so upsetting that he seems so nonchalant about it. He also smokes pot by the way but he has told me he doesn't want them doing so until they are adults and able to make their own decisions... 

Letti.R's picture

I don't know the laws where you are.
Here in  the UK, if  I reported a case like this, most likely  the children would be taken away and one or both parents criminally charged with child endangerment or neglect.
I have very little respect for a parents who when provided with evidence, still doesn't care about their children enough to do something.
If you want to help the children, report their parents.

TrueNorth77's picture

Yeah...this is a tough spot. I am sure you will get a lot of advice to disengage. At the very least I think you should take a step back. You are getting up early to make them breakfast? Why? Why are you the one getting them off to school, picking them up, helping with homework and taking them to appointments? I think sometimes we make the situation worse for ourselves by wanting to do so much for skids. Our intentions are good, but we end up feeling more resentment and frustration because, "it should matter that I do so much!". But sometimes it just doesn't, especially when your DH will not make you an equal partner. He will willingly accept anything you do for the kids, but when it's time to have input on discipline or their actions, that is where your authority ends. For your own sanity, I would take a step back. His kids are old enough to make themselves breakfast. Start letting your DH help with homework and take them to appointments. If he asks why, tell him that the balance has been very frustrating for you and doesn't seem fair- you are allowed to do the grunt work, but no real say in making them be decent humans. And they are "not your kids".

I also agree with what someone else said- you have video of these kids smoking weed and vaping. CPS should be involved.

Lainey80's picture

I completely agree, I do all the grunt work but have no authority to discipline. He believes that because I am not working (I work from home running our company), that I should be taking care of the kids because he's running our company from 6am to sometimes 6/7pm, but there are a lot of times, esp during the low season when work is slow that he doesn't need to be up so early where I still have to get up to tend to the kids. He won't even let them walk to school which is only a 10 min walk which is ironic considering everything he knows their mom lets them do. Either way he thinks me caring for them is what I "signed up for". Other than out issues with the kids I care about him a lot but it's getting to the point where I am resenting him and them which feels terrible to write but it's the truth. I don't think I could bring myself to destroy their lives by notifying the authorities. They've been through so much already. Their mom was out of their lives for 5 years when djeup and left, they had a woman in their lives for 6 years, and then when that didn't work out their father and I started together. It's all such a mess. 

 

TrueNorth77's picture

Oh that's interesting...you just "signed up" for this life, and now you are stuck? You "signed up" to be a nanny for his kids? No one is ever allowed to say that it is no longer working for them, and things need to change? Well, sorry SO, that's not how this works.

You have every right to express that things are no longer working as they stand- and also that if they don't change, you will be seeing yourself out the door. You actually didn't sign up for this, as you are not married- you can leave at any time. He acts like you are stuck, and just have to go along with things the way he wants them, which honestly is a very arrogant stance. You have a choice, and I hope you show him that. I am actually really fired up for you right now, your SO is being a complete ASS.    

Harry's picture

DH is doing nothing. BM is doing nothing. What are you going to do. ?  Just make sure there some planes for these kids to leave at 18.  Or go live with BM .  You will not do anything for and GB. Then pop some popcorn and watch this family crash and burn 

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Bio mother (BM) is a crappy parent. Bio dad (BD) is a crappy parent. And you're just the maid.

These people are who they are. You joined a preexisting dysfunctional dynamic when you partnered up with this man. Some men seem to think that they can just get a new partner to take the place of their ex as mother of their kids, but you're in a situation where both parents have abdicated their parental responsibilities. You can't fix this, and the only person you can save is yourself.

When we lose respect for our partner, over time loves dies, too. You're in a dying relationship, so I suggest you come to terms with that, be smart, and come up with an exit strategy. Squirrel away as much money as you can, seek employment outside the relationship, and get the heck out of there before you get splattered when the poop hits the fan and the authorities show up at your door. I would turn those videos over to CPS (because this IS an awful situation and you don't want to get tarred with the same brush as BD and BM), but only when I was prepared to leave. Save yourself!

tog redux's picture

How can you possibly respect and love this man? He won't parent adequately, and he allows his kids to be neglected by BM when he has the evidence right in front of his face.  And he thinks you "signed on" for taking care of his kids?
 

Ugh. Find a therapist and figure out why you put up with this crap.  You aren't even married, easy to get out.

Lainey80's picture

It's that financially i have no way of getting out right now. I used to be an executive assistant in the city when i met him... i had 50k in savings, i know thats not a lot, but it was mine... credit score was 700... NOW i have $0, and my creditscore is like 300 because i spent everything helping him to start the business and keeping him and his kids afloat when there was no work in the winter... I also have my mom living here with us as well because she came across hard times... I don't just have to worry about myself but i also have to worry about my mother. I guess the better question is how did i let it get this far...

UPDATE - I brought the issue up with him today, I told him that I mentioned the phone and videos to the kids and asked them what they thought he would do... the 14yo shrugged his shoulders and said "i dont know, and the 17yo said, nothing, he already knows i smoke"... I mentioned this to him to let him know that his children arent taking him seriously and one thing turns into the other, he says he doesn't like the way i talk to his kids (because Im the only one that corrects them!) and then it turns into im a whore and a slut and that's why my father died of AIDS, thats why i have no friends, and the best one-- I'm a broke bitch... but nothing about his parenting skills or lack thereof... always deflecting and attacking me when i raise issues about him and/or the kids.Thankfully the kids weren't hime but it's not like they havent heard any of those things being said to me before... sounds so terrible when i write it, but i have no one to tell... my own mother thinks i should just "do what i have to do for the kids" and leave them alone. She says if he doesnt want to deal with them then why am i?... why doesn't anyone care about these kids??

Anon9876's picture

Look I took my SD to doctors appointments, took her school shopping, took her out for coffee, took her to school, watched her baby so she could go to school or out with friends, cooked her supper every night, etc. The honest to God's truth is nothing I did mattered.

All these things you're doing for your SKS is coming from the heart I know, but the fact is the 2 people that matter most to them in the world are their parents. And there parents aren't taking care of them.

Your SO doesn't enforce respect or boundaries and is allowing them to do whatever because being a parent is hard and he doesn't want conflict.

My SO did the same thing with his daughter-would not follow thru with punishments, would not discipline her for disrespect.

All it did was get worse and that's what's going to happen with your SO's  kids. The fact is you are not a substitute for their parents "parenting". 

You are doing all this for them for what? In the long run you're going to stretch yourself thin just for them to take advantage of you and run you over.

Generally I would recommend disengaging from them and focusing on your relationship with your SO.

In this case however it seems that your SO is even worse. He disrespects you and uses you on a daily basis. The names he calls you are unacceptablr. The way he let's his kids behave is unacceptable.

Look, many people recommended on here that I call CPS on my SD when I relayed my story. This is something I am still debating.

Truthfully I know it's the right thing to do, but it's very hard to see someone's life torn apart because of my actions. I am hoping in her case that she straightens out before that has to happen.

In your case, even if CPS is not involved why not getc your SO to apply for full custody? He isn't exactly father of the year but I'm assuming  at least he isn't allowing them to do drugs in his house.

Also, the resentment you feel for your SO is only going to get worse as long as these things are continuing with the kids and his own behavior as well.

Is this a man that you truly must be with?

Lainey80's picture

I've tried to disengage since the last time SO and I got into an argument over the SKS, and it was good for a while at least between SO and I... yet, it became more SO and his kids, and me... I found it difficult not to tell them to mind their studies, and clean up their rooms, and everything else you ask children to do, but it was also kind of a relief (although walking past their messy rooms and their bathroom that smells like Grand Central station irritated me to no end)... I realized that their father is the one that needs to say something to them, but he never did... their father told me he doesnt like the way i talk to them, but i think the issue is that he doesnt like telling them the things he needs to be telling them and I do.  If i leave him in the house with them, by the time i come back the place is a mess, food all over the floor, dishes in the sink, dirty napkins strewn about, clothes laying around all over, garbage in the driveway, lights broken from them playing basketball, the list goes on... and he says nothing, he just lets them be. He says "they are kids", and I say, "yes, they are, but we are trying to create good habits so that as they grow up into adults they know how to take care of themselves and their surroundings". He doesn't understand that, he wanted to have 4 kids but he doesn't put in the work needed to be a good parent, he doesn't supervise them, and he hardly ever punishes them for doing wrong... he still hasn't said anything to them about the video!! it makes me want to pull out my hair, then i look like the asshole because he doesn't back me up when i say anything to them, instead he undermines me in front of them... if it was easy for me to leave I would have left a long time ago... I should have never given up my independence to be with this man.