What Drugs? Part 2 of an Unfortunate Series
Update to my last blog post. Nutshell? Same as it ever was but getting worse. SS17 bailed on his job again today and called in sick (yesterday too) so he could presumably go get high after I confronted him for having pot in the house. Again. I know this will continue unless there are consequences that motivate change (but he's an addict since getting high has gotten him in trouble at our house and at school so maybe nothing will bring about the desired changes). I remain burnt out & DH got mad at me last night becsuse I am so upset and disguested at all the lying & continued drug situ (which I suspect but still have no proof that it's progressed past pot but maybe not... unsure but have the same suspicions based on my prior post) that I was rude to him, but we made up & he's aware of SS17's blow-up this morning. I'm unsure if DH knows SS didn't go to work again today, not gonna be the one to give that update.
Being a SM can be very punishing. I am a raw nerve and cannot see myself putting up with SS17's b.s. for his senior year this year as it's ongoing & getting worse. Even if that means the BM gets custody & DH has to pay CS agsin. We've made so clear all these years the rules, but SS still unwilling to respect our home, family, or himself because BM taught that lying is the way to navugste life (her own life has a path of destruction; DH & SS are just two of her major, recent victims) and apparently the drugs are worth way more than trust, honesty, respect, or keeping commitments. Very sad about this, feel sentenced to have to endure the b.s. either in my home if DH lets him stay (DH told SS to go to his BM's two weeks ago and SS had to apologize in order to return, but I feel like now SS17 is likely weighing the benefits of living with us vs. the freedoms and unaccountability of his BM's fiancee's house (OMG how I've wanted to warn that guy to RUN or at least get an airtight pre-nup; nobody deserves a lying cheating selfish drsma queen like her!).
So it's wait and see. What will DH do? Will SS go back to BM? Will he ever, ever get past this or is the decades & decades of adult addict skids experience people have posted on this board become my story too? I just know I am never going to be okay with living with someone who lies & make poor choices about friends and substances. I think DH knows deep down this won't stop on its own; that it might be time for tough love and sending him out. DH already told SS that he can leave, but if he does he's not coming back. This would break DH's heart, so I'm not seeing this end well, unless SS truely wants anything to change. Way too much power in the hands of this young man, and he's a weaponized proxy of BM in our home and it's hurting us all.
I'm now hoping and praying good things for SS, but extremely sad that now he's cussed me out, played victim, used that as an excuse to "cut class" again and again (at both school & now his 1st paycheck job), and blamed me for the problems he's nurturing along. Very sad, very sad that the unpleasant results of SS continuing on the wrong path are so painful & not yet resolved.
This is a mirror of what I
This is a mirror of what I went through with SS17-18 two years ago. He moved in with us when BM called the police because he trashed their home. DH said he could live with us. I was about 8 months into my sobriety from alcohol addiction. The second SS moved in too.... It about ripped me apart. They were both incredibly dirty, inconsiderate, just plain lazy. My DD was 15 at the time and she was miserable. So was I... The older SS moved out after about a year. The 17 year old SS stayed at our home for 2 years. He smoked pot in our home, stole from us, missed work because he was high. I couldn't deal with it.
The last straw was when SS came home drunk, pissed all over our front porch and puked all over. I was devestated that he would do that, since my sobriety was so fresh. DH didn't see what he could possibly do? (sarcasm) I had begged DH to kick out SS for those two years. Anyways, back to the last straw, the night that SS peed on our home, I decided that was it, I was done.
The next morning I was ignored, DH didn't address the matter with SS at all, all day. SS was hungover.... By supper time I was so mad I couldn't even sit still... DH casually asked me what I wanted for supper..... I lost it. I told him to stick supper up his a$$ and packed a bag. I was on my way out the door, broken and dead inside. I told him an addict cannot live here, I am in recovery. and he as DH needs to deal with the SS... by this time he was 18. After a lot of yelling and tears, I stayed. A week later SS moved out. MY DD moved out.
We are now alone, the two SS are back the their mother. they are adults now. how sad... my DS and SS are with spouses and working and have lives...
Whatever. It was absolute hell. I do attribute part of my alcoholism to the life of the invisible SM. I had to disappear. In doing so, I almost killed myself.
Don't let it get to that. It's not worth it. My DH and I have been together for 19 years, 19 years of SM life. Of dealing with insane BM and gross SS's.... I would not do it again if I could go back.
First of all congratulations
First of all congratulations on your sobriety.
When my adult exSD moved in with us, it was so very bad that my Disney daddy ex (recovering alcoholic at the time)relapsed and his drinking spiralled out of control so bad that after a year I left. He refused to kick her out or institute rules. So I said "enough". It was one of the worst times in my life. I went to therapy after I left and my very experienced therapist said that I had symptoms of PTSD from that experience.
I am now happily married.
Steplife is incredibly
Steplife is incredibly traumatic, seriously.... It is so very bad sometimes. Even now, after 5 years of sober living, the SS's are gone and DH and I are finally enjoying life, I get a twinge of pain and hate when I think of those days. It is hard to let go of those feelings. Good on you for getting help as well.
Somebody who cusses me out
Somebody who cusses me out and keeps drugs in my house, doesn't get to live in my house. Period.
yes that's what I said as
yes that's what I said as well..... hence house in the market and relationship over lol...
Call the police and have him
Call the police and have him frog marched out of the house in handcuffs. Let that be the shot across his bow on his behavior and give him the choice. Pull his head out of his ass or on what should be his HS graduation day he gets dropped off at the local homeless camp to integrate with his new neighbors.
Though we did not have the drug issue to deal with when I kicked him out of the car to spend an hour with his future neighbors at the homeless camp it worked wonders to get him motivated. That kid was as pale as a ghost and shaking when I picked him up after an hour with his future neighbors chewing his butt about buckling down and finishing HS. I owe those amazing people a life long debt of gratitude for scaring the crap out of him and getting through to him in a way that his mom and I failed to do.
Coddling does no one above toddler age any good IMHO. Direct focused confrontation and accountability for their actions and effective application of consequences in an age appropriate manner works and it works every time. Either they correct the behavior or they withdraw. Either way they are no longer a PITA in your life. I find that abject misery and accountability drives people to change their inappropriate behavior of they run. That separates those of salvageable character from those who are a waste.
Get his ass arrested while he is still a minor and let him know that he has a get out of jail basically free card this time.... if he does it again after his 18th birthday it will ruin his life and he will never be able to be free of that record.
Good luck.