My father got married to the woman he was caught cheating on my mother with when I was sixteen, so no, I feel no great love for her. She was instrumental in keeping my father away from me and my sister right after my parents' divorce. I've seen her maybe three times in my entire life. I have never had a relationship with her and don't consider her my step anything, nor do I consider myself a step-sibling of her children. When my father left my mother, he left all of us and that's where that relationship ended.

My mother remarried when I was seventeen and that's who I refer to as "my dad." I call him by his first name, but he's my dad. He's my children's grandfather. He was my labor coach when I had my first baby and has always been there for me. He has done more for me than, frankly, either of my biological parents. He's my husband's buddy. He can be a pain in the ass and he's one of those grandparents who has boundary issues when it comes to him spoiling the kids, but otherwise, he's been great to me. I love him very much. He has a son and daughter, so I have two step-siblings. I'm not close at all to my step-sister. We're very different and, though amicable, we just aren't friendly. I've always been closer to my step-brother and usually drop the step and just refer to him as my brother.

My husband is also a step and his step-father is the person he calls "my dad," as well. No steps in that family, either. Our children are his grandchildren just as much as his son's children are his grandchildren. No difference.

Both my step-father and my husband's step-father would do ANYTHING for us. They have never treated us any differently than they treated their own children. They love us and we love them. We never had any of those issues that some children have with their new step-parent.

~ Anne ~

"Adjust on the fly, or you're going to cry."
Steve Doocy, The Mr. and Mrs. Happy Handbook

My mom and dad split when I was 12. Dad had lots of long term girlfriends ( I liked all of them) and after years, married a very sweet woman who I have never had any problem with. Mom remarried in a year, had my sister a couple of years later. Divorced this step-dad when half-sis was 10 or so, and remarried to step dad #2. I love both these step-dads, and I've never thought of my sis as a half-sis. She's always been my sis and I've loved her from the moment she was born. All of us and I mean ALL parents and kids have gotten along all these years. Holidays were shared when possible, starting with my dad and mom when my brother and I were little, and then continuing with their subsequent relationships. Even going to the weird extent where Step-dad #1 would stay with my mom and Step-dad #2 (my brother and I were adults by this time) at Christmas for my sister's sake...mom and step-dad #1 (sis's father) lived 600 miles apart.

To this day, we could all be together in the same room and get along great. My parents have always set the best of examples for me. They never bad-mouthed each other. Ever. They didn't let us kids manipulate them and it amazes me how "adult" they all were. They were bound and determined to do the best for their kids under the circumstances.

Oh and Step Dad #1 has a son, and Step Dad #2 has 2 daughters. I've always gotten along with them really well too. So has my sister. My brother lived too far away to really know them.

Weird huh!!! I don't know how they (all the parents) managed to do it.

I am not a step but am curious to hear a grown step perspective . . .

"Fortune favors the brave" - Virgil

Because, I bet you anything my SO's kids would say some if not all, of the same things about me.

SO and I got together a year after SO had completely moved out of the household, and more than 3 years after he told his 2 oldest kids (both adults) that his marriage was over. He was never home anyway as he worked at remote locations, and he was biding his time because of property issues. (Still having problems settling stuff because of ex's fraud, but that's a whole other story.)

He told his stbxw (I'll call her ex) and the kids about me when we decided to join our lives. There was never any hiding me or cheating in our minds. But the ex said it's cheating and she's convinced the kids it's cheating...so I'm the adulterous relationship and if it weren't for me, they would all be a happy family. The ex harps on that constantly. She admits she was at fault for the failure of the marriage, but she constantly claims she could have gotten my SO back if it weren't for me, so I destroyed their family, thus relieving her of any responsibilty. It's soooo hard on all of us!

The ex claims, and has convinced the kids that I am instrumental in keeping the kids away from their dad. Not true. I have always encouraged my SO to have a relationship with the kids that didn't involve me. I've emailed the kids letting them know that I understand it's hard on them, and they don't have to be around me at all. I just want them to have a relationship with their father. But in her mind, if I'm in the same town, I'm an interference, and if she's not included, I'm interfering with the relationship with the kids.

Because of the ex's tactics...similar to what you say Anne...when my SO left his wife, he left his kids. She always talks about "Her and the boys." He is not allowed to have a relationship with the boys on their own. Since he rejected her, he rejected them. And she is bound and determined that the kids will never believe anything but her version of things. I mean bound and determined!!! They were a package deal. She still harps on how he "abandoned" them. Which is such a crock because he just moved a few miles away (and they never even asked him where he was living) and continued to give them almost 100% of his paycheck. He was living in a hell hole and his employer paid for his vehicle. Yet he abandoned them. It makes me sick sometimes.

The ex always goes on about how much he hurt his boys because he left her. She will never see or admit that he didn't leave his boys, he left her, but because of her control over them, her reactions, and her manipulations, she convinces the boys that their dad has abandoned them. Never mind that he sends both kids huge allowances, pays their car payments, pays all household expenses, and calls them every day without success. It's twisted and horrible.

But in the end, I'm the bad guy, and always will be I think. The ex has too much influence and control over her adult kids and it won't matter how loving I am, or how understanding I am, those kids will probably always hate me, because "if it weren't for me, their parents would have gotten back together."

I'd love to tell all of them, I wasn't the first relationship he had after moving out. I wasn't the rebound, or the break-up. Once he moved out, he had a relationship with a very loving woman who would have done anything for him...unfortunately for her, she wasn't the one for him, although he cared deeply for her. I wonder sometimes if that information would remove some of the hatred toward me, but it's not mine to reveal. It might hurt even more.

Anyway Anne, I sure hope your feelings aren't due to manipulations and alienations your mother involved you in when you were 16. Like I say, my SO's kids would say the same about me, but I love them, want the best for them, and want them happy even if it means keeping myself out of their lives completely. The one time they came here to visit their dad, I left and stayed at a hotel to give them the freedom to love and visit with their father without having to feel they were betraying their mother.

Well let's see...

My bio-father wanted nothing to do with me, but I was very close to my grandfather. My mother married the nicest man on the planet, but then he turned into a bully immediately after the marriage & made life hell, although he wasn't as bad as many of my friends' parents/stepparents. My mother did nothing to protect me or anything. My grandfather died a few months after the marriage & I was very alone. Even to this day I see elementary school decorations & I am reminded of the emptiness I felt back then.

Finally my mother got sober & when her head cleared she threw the guy out. About a year later she met my current step father & because of him she was able to do better in life. He was a decent man who never bullied me or did anything inappropriate. But he hated me. I think it was because I said something to a friend (who told her parents who told my mother) that he was taking my mother away from me. I was ten, had just gotten a good relationship with my mother instead of being ignored, & then a man walked into her life & suddenly I didn't exist anymore. I didn't see that it was her fault, but I think he always held that against me. I tried for nearly 20 years to communitcate to him that I really did love him & appreciate him & wanted him to be my dad (with my mother pushing me to do this) but he never wanted that. The more I did for him the more he hated me. I even changed my last name to his because I couldn't afford the adoption that my mother said he wanted to do. He didn't put a dime towards it or even acknowledge it. My mother told me for years that he really did love me but he put too much effort into acting like he hated me for me to believe it anymore.

Things changed a little when I finally got tired of being treated like a piece of shit & went off on him & my mother. He treats me with a little more respect (he'd better) but he still acts like he doesn't want me around most times. I've also stopped asking him for help or advice, because he just won't give it. Oh, he'll help anyone else out, but he wouldn't piss on me if I were on fire, unless my mother told him to. I just figure "don't bother."

Hipi

When you wish upon a falling star, your dreams can come true. Unless it's really a meteorite hurtling to the Earth which will destroy all life. Then you're pretty much hosed no matter what you wish for. Unless it's death by meteor.

My biodad died when I was three almost four. My mom remarried (at my insistence) about 1 year after my biodad died. I still remember my dad and have always been sad that he died. However, our stepdad treated us as his own. My mom encouraged him to discipline us, although we all agree that he was an the verge of physically abusive and was definitely verbally abusive at times. I have no doubt that he loves us as though we were his own kids. In his mind he thinks we are - His memory isn't great and over the years he just seems to forget that we were ever around before he was. In fact, my mom was pregnant with my sister when she met my stepdad and he was in our lives from the day she was born.

I always knew he wasn't my daddy, but I haven't ever really thought of him as my stepdad either. He adopted us after they had been married 5 years (My mom's rule) and we made a big deal about changing our names to all be the same. We got some say in whether or not we wanted to keep it, but being so young I knew that we all got "married" and when you get married your name changes.

My dad (because that is how we all refer to him) can be a real horse's ass, but he is also loving, extraordinarly hard worker, honest, perceptive about people and very mechanically minded. Many times I have wondered if I would have as good a head on my shoulders if my real dad had lived. I seriously doubt it. I am not as religious as I ponce was, but I still believe in an afterlife and that we get to see people we knew that have passed on. I look forward to meeting my biodad and getting to know him. I feel like I missed a chance to know someone really cool, but I also feel lucky that we ended up with such a good man. My siblings would have completely different stories to tell you - they haven't reached a level of understanding about our dad and his parenting mistakes, but I can say that it was overall a positive thing for me.

Having said that, I have a markedly closer relationship w/ my mom. I have always attributed it to being the mother-daughter relationship, but it may be because of blood ties.

I guess that's why I have tried with SD. My mom remarried when I was 8. My SF was awesome to me. I considered him my dad and his sons were never step to me. They are still my brothers. However his mother hated my mother, therefore she hated me. She said horrible things to me like I would never be a part of their family, that I should just go away and leave them alone. She would make me go to my room and stay as she didn't want to see me. Thankfully my younger SB stood up for me and told his dad what was going on. After that we didn't go visit her anymore.

My SB's didn't get along with my mom though. She always gave them a hard time. A lot of their fights were over them. I hated it. I couldn't understand why everyone just couldn't get along. I still don't understand that.

I also got a SM as my dad remarried. She was also very sweet to me. I never had any problems with her. Even though she and my dad divorced I still keep in touch with her.

My BD got a GF when he was 72, she was a witch. She hated me and manipulated my BD. I was never mean to this woman, I was always nice, even though I didn't like her. One day my dad had to have bi-pass surgery and she freaked out on me in the waiting room. Accused me of trying to keep her from my dad, which was totally ridiculous as he was still in surgery. She carried on so that the hospital had to get the pastor to come and take her out of the waiting room. They had to inform her that I was his next of kin and if she kept behaving that way I could refuse to let her see him. Of course I never did that and when my dad went home from the hospital she stayed with him and would never let me come to see him. She always told me he wss sleeping. After that she went to the extreme of telling my BD it was me or her. Of course he choose her and didn't speak to me for 5 years, until she died. She was insanely jealous of my relationship with my dad and did everything in her power to destroy it.I had a hard time forgiving him for that and our relationship was never the same. He recently passsed away and we never recovered from that.

That is the biggest reason why I don't say much about my SD. I never want my BF to feel as if he needs to make a choice. It is a horrible thing to do to someone and only hurts everyone involved. I try to disenagae myself as she is 23. If it gets bad then I speak to him alone about it. He may not alwasy agree with me, but he does let me vent about her. Of course in his eyes she is never wrong, so that hurts.

from both parents. But the worst was my Step-mom. But I wonder now was she the way she was with me because I was a spoiled brat? Because I look at SD and I just wonder did i get on my step moms nerves the way SD gets on mine. My step-mom used to abouse me and my brother. More my brother than me because i was a little older. And its like my dad was blind to it. He didnt see all the things that she did he just overlooked them. i always got yelled at for things that I just didnt do. My jewelry would go missing while i slept. Socks of mine went missing,games. She even took my brothers baby ring. (the brother she had with my dad) and crushed it and blamed me saying i was jealous!! I really didnt do this, If i did I would admit it now! but I didnt! She used to beat my brother, She even beat her own kids. When she had the first baby with my dad honestly i was not mad i was excited. My mother was never really a mother to me so i was looking for it from somewhere. Well wrong place!!! She would do such horrible things to her son my new brother because she knew that I loved him so much. She would do things like put her dirty feet in his face and pull his hair and I think it was cause she knew that it would hurt me. And it did. She even out a perfect slice with a box cutter in my 5th grade cap and gown. my graduation my dad never made it because she gave him the wrong address. There is just so much I can tell you but i realized that just cause it was done to me doesnt mean i can do it to someone else. I could never see myself doing anything like that to my SD even if she is a Spoiled child. Its her parents fault not hers. I wasnt spoiled me and my dad just had a good relationship and I adored and looked up to him. Still do!. Just wish me and my brother didnt have to go through all the beatings and drama we did.

Mom and Dad have been married for 46 years and make Ward and June Cleaver look like abusive spouses and neglectful parents. They still get that look in their eyes and chase each other around the house on regular basis. They now spend most of their time keeping my little bro and I from screwing up their GrandKids to severely.

I know I won the parent lottery and my parents remain the foundation of my life. They are great people, dedicated to each other, to my brother and I and our families.

My brother and I are pretty much an updated version of Wally and the Beaver. I am the older one so I guess in this world I am Wally.

My wife on the other hand was raised by her Mom and StepDad. Her BioDad was killed in a car accident when her Mom was 2mos pregnant. My MIL and FIL married when my Wife was 2mos old. FIL had dated my Wife's Aunt in high-school and knew the family and my MIL very well. FIL raised my Wife as his own and he remains very devoted to her and she to him. Actually he is arguably closer to her than to her three younger sibs (FIL's bio kids). They have a special connection that is different than the relationships that he has with his BioKids (my wife's sibs).

FIL's Mother treated my Wife no differently than the other GrandKids just as my parents treat my son (SS) as their own. They have been his Grandparents since before he was 2yo. Heaven protect the person who tries to tell my parents that SS is not their grandson. The fur would fly in that situation I can assure you.

It is sad to read the accounts of people who had evil parents (step or bio) but inspirational to read how well everyone seems to have turned out regardless of how screwed up our parents are/were.

As many of you have proven and a mantra that my mother has preached to me for decades "at some point the problems we inherit from our parents become our problems and it is up to us to fix them".

It looks like many in this community have done just that.

Best regards,

I have both a Step-mom and a Step-dad. I literally hated them both until I turned 14. That's when I realized how hard they try to make up to me and how much they do for me. I used to write all sorts of bad things about them in my diary. I was 7 when my dad remarried and I was 5 when my mom remarried. I was the flower girl in both weddings. I remember how much I wanted my real parents to say "no" when they were about to say their "I do's". I was a problem child. My mom and dad divorced when I was 4. My dad was 17 when I was born and my mom was 16. We were really poor. My dad was never home, always at school or work. So was my mom. My grandpa practically raised me. Anyway, I never got to really start to know my Step-mom until I was 10 when she started to let me earn money. She got me a job helping out on a neighbor's farm, harvesting tomatoes, mowing their yard, weeding their garden, and feeding their horses. I got paid $40 a day, but I didn't get to keep all my money. When I was 12, she started listening to the kind of music I listened to, hip-hop. She bought me Cd's, poster, and nice clothes. I didn't really pay attention, blinded by my hate of Step-parents. I could easily blame Cinderella for that. I get along really good with my Step-mom real well now, but I still utterly hate my Step-dad. He abused me and my brother. He would hit us for no reason, yell at us, and when ever others were around, he would sleep, completely ignoring everything around him. I hated his guts. The only thing he ever did for me was teach me how to drive. I am completely against divorce. When you marry someone, you make a commitment, to them, yourself, and your child, born or unborn. It makes no difference. It is breaking an oath. I am also against child abuse and teen pregnancy and underage drinking. My mom and dad did all of the above except the abuse. I now need help choosing which parent to live with. I am 14 and need help deciding which to live with. My dad is now in Minnesota, but my mom wants me to stay in Iowa with her. How do I choose????? :?

My dad left us when I was 5. Often never knew where he was and we sat waiting on the stairs for his scheduled visits that he never showed for. Broke my mom's heart. He was an alcoholic vet w issues that never got resolved. Step mom showed up when I was 6. That lasted a few years. He left her broke too but she stayed in our lives and became a millionaire through hard work. Not a loving person but present and a darn good grandma. I appreciate her even though I can't stand her ways. She contributes to my son's college education. It means a lot. My parents never contributed to mine and I'll be paying it off til I'm 50. But my mom encouraged me to go to college so there's something.