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Update - SM suspecting inappropriate sexual relationship between DH and SD

dontwanttobefigured's picture

I thought you might want an update to my situation, especially since I was pregnant and having many issues last time I update. My SD did indeed move out, but she moved back in soon after due to problems following mom's rules. I don't quite recall where I left off, but I had a frank talk with my DH, told him his relationship with SD was inappropriate, bordered on emotional incest if it wasn't already, and that at times I suspected they were over the line physically. he was so angry and reacted so strongly that I thought he would leave (and I was prepared to tell him to leave, if things didn't change). He followed my suggestion and we talked to a counselor together, and he did not deny all the incidents I wrote up here, and in fact defended them.
The counselor was quick to point out that taking one's child to Victoria's Secret, taking her on expensive dates weekly, and backrubs in the bathtub/in child's bed are not appropriate. She also pointed out that SD's insistence on alone time was beyond the normal need for time with a parent, especially when that alone time was demanded even as I was in the hospital bleeding and pregnant. She set out some guidelines for us both to follow as well as some boundaries for DH to inforce with SD.
SD rebelled immediately. She moved out, and I breathed a sigh of relief, especially after I discovered pot in her bedroom and had the police come to take that away.
However, after she moved out SD ramped up her attempts at "alone time" to the point that even DH got uncomfortable. Social services were involved already, with SD's mom's alcohol abuse issues, so we began to have family counseling through them. SD refused to attend if I was there, and at that point DH began to realize that SD was controlling everyone, including him.
Baby was born healthy (yay!)and Sd has seen him only once. She continues to demand alone time, but DH won't give in. He is in therapy himself finally and is learning boundaries and some better parenting techniques. He is now very open with me about his talks with Sd as the counselor advised. Now, there isn't much test to that since SD refuses to speak to him other than to demand alone time. She will in fact pick up the phone and then hang up on him without speaking so he can't even leave voice mails for her. She's also cut off most of Dh's side of the family after they "dared" to accept her half brother, and tried to get her to behave like a normal kid about the new baby. She did recently try to call DH, totally out of the blue, to manipulate him by saying that her friend's dad had asked her friend to go play catch and that made her miss DH and want to hang out with him. Her suggestion for hang out time? Not catch with dad, but that dad could take her "just me and you dad" to the newest fancy restaurant in town, after going with her to pick out a dress and get her nails done. Amazingly DH told SD he loves her, and hopes she can come be a part of our family, have brunch with us, spend time with her new brother, etc, and that if she could behave appropriately that some day they could have appropriate father-daughter alone time, but it would never be like a date, and it would never be specifically to exclude me or anyone else. She hung up on him when she heard the baby squeal. She is really that unbalanced that even HEARING the baby in the background is too much for her.

So, that's the news here. I am cautiously optimistic that my husband may be a good dad after all, but I have my eyes always on it. I am not at all planning to allow SD back in our home for any real length of time but I would like her to get some help (she is refusing to speak to a therapist now) and eventually have a NORMAL relationship with her dad and her new brother. I don't see either happening until she is an adult, sadly, if ever. She was so used to being in control, and Dh was so used to being a total idiot and also to being inappropriately attached to her, that it may not be "fixable." If I am honest he is still somewhat on a probation with me, because I won't let myself or my kids ever be abused or exposed to such gross behavior again, and if SD were ever to live here again I would install cameras as recommended. I don't THINK anything physical ever happened, but if there were any chance that it might, I would be vigilant.

So, that's the update on this sad, sick situation, if anyone remembers it.

RedWingsFan's picture

^^^^I agree with Mrs. Taylor - there's something realllllly sick in SD's mind about her father...

unsure99's picture

I remember your story. I remember the SD that threatened to kill your baby. I know you are careful but you can never be too careful. It sounds like she has really not gotten any better. I'm glad that your DH has seen the light some. I hope he does understand what his daughter is probably capable of. I would not push a relationship with her and her half brother at all. I wouldn't want her any where near him. EVER.

ThatGirl's picture

I'm glad that your husband is seeing a therapist and getting some help in recognizing the inappropriate behavior Smile

hippiegirl's picture

I'm happy things are going better and congratulations on the new baby. Smile

You should have kept that weed you found in her room, though. It could come in handy if you ever have to be around her again. Lol!

I joke.

emotionaly beat up's picture

Congratulations on the new baby. I am very glad that he was born safe and well and that you and your husband are getting therapy to help deal with the situation.

I am concerned tough that you are even entertaining the idea of sd living back in your home sometime in the future. Cameras catch the offence AFTER the offence has been committed. Bit like closing the stable door after the horse has bolted. Sure, you have your evidence, but it would better to have prevented the crime rather than know who did what. The only way you can prevent anything happening between your DH and SD and protecting your baby is NOT to have her living in the house. Certainly not in the foreseeable future anyway.

You say you would like to get her some help, unfortunately you cannot. This is a bit like you wanting to get someone off drugs, or an alcholic off the drink. YOU cannot do it, they have to choose it and work on it for themselves.

I do feel sorry for her, the girl clearly has problems. I do think you husband added to and encouraged these problems by his inappropriate behaviour. Clearly you too still have issues about this (understandably), and I think for now you should just work on your own family and getting things on track there, more importantly keeping them on track.

Hopefully your DH does get it now and all will go very well for you and your family in the future. I do however think that the immediate future should not include SD and I would advise you not to become involved in any treatment plans for SD. She needs to do that herself.

Rhyleighblue's picture

Progress is often slow but you have done well...both for yourself and for your SD. She might never thank you, so I will thank you for her. I am not going to blame anyone in this situation because there is nothing to gain from playing the blame game. Instead, I will simply thank you, one woman to another.

doll faced sm's picture

Why does it seem that men need to hear something from a 3rd party in order to believe it? I'm glad you were able to get him to counseling so someone else could point out to him how twisted and sick his relationship with his daughter was. Congratulations both on the baby as well as succesfully setting healthy boundaries.

Carrieanne's picture

Did your SD walk around your husband in inappropriate clothing and flirt with him?? My SD is always following her dad around and bending over in front of him and wearing very low cut shirts. I'm super uncomfortable and have addressed it to both of them. He says he doesn't even notice and she starts name calling, etc. sooooo today she literally walked around him in a two piece tiny black bikini. Wtf?! She might as well been naked and of course my husband looked. We all did because I'm wtf are you wearing and why????? I just don't even have words. I'm still up at 2:40am blogging because I'm so repulsed by her and the fact that my husband says NOTHING. That's not fucking normal right????

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

My OSD  was dressing inappropriately parading in front of her father, he would tell her to put some clothes on, she would run her mouth at him and he would just be mad and pout about it. After she kept ramping it up after she came out one day looking like the woman in weird science after she was just created.  I let him have it, that he needed to grow a pair and put her in line. He did, and it's still a weekly battle but he doesn't let her get away with it anymore. 

I also find it disturbing that she would be dressing so provocatively in front of family members, it's not like she is being cute and wearing matching underoos, she is cutting her tops just below her breasts, if she lifts her arms or moves just right hello, we all can see your boobs.  That is sexual and disturbing.!!!