Update

Forums:

After SD collected her things to decorate her new master bedroom at mommy's on Wednesday, she did voluntarily go to a family birthday party with us last night. I was so nervous but it was like nothing had happened and I was proud of myself because I was open and friendly instead of shutting down like I normally do when I am upset. I am really trying to leave this up to DH to handle as he sees fit, even though it's going to kill me to see him roll over and become a doormat again . I would have to speak up at that point. But I will totally support doing positive things like attending family events. The evening ended feeling more hopeful (delusional)......maybe she is ready for one home, I can understand that. Maybe she felt like she had to do it this way to make it happen. Maybe she does still want DH in her life and will stop being hateful. Well, I tell you, every time I start having those thoughts, something ridiculous happens and I am mad again. Tonight was SDs first prom. DH bought her dress literally the day she came home drunk. He asked her earlier in the week and last night to let him know where they were doing pictures. Well guess what. She didn't, and she ignored him reaching out today. He received pictures from BM taken at her house with both sets of grandmas there. HIS mom. But he was not invited. Until all this had happened, he would have been. Actually, this would have been her weekend with us if things were normal. I suspected this would happen, but the fact that she communicated with everyone but DH makes it feel a bit more hurtful. SS is here from school for the weekend and she texted him pictures a little while ago. Knowing he is here, and still nothing to DH. The level of pure crap is unbelievable

I feel for you. My SS was

I feel for you. My SS19 was totally alienated for 3 years, now he's back and he's half-alienated. Sometimes DH texts him and gets nothing. Other times they text back and forth and chat for a while. Some questions get an answer, some don't. He won't tell DH his grades, but he let him meet his girlfriend.

I believe that anything SS does is still being driven by BM and her agenda, and the same is likely true for your SD. What would upset me the most is that DH's parents participated in this crap.

Every time SS does something like this to DH I want to punch him in the nose. I have nothing to do with SS at this point because of how he treats DH, but I do get that for DH, half a son is better than no son.

Yes, I understand that too.

Yes, I understand that too. I can't imagine feeling like you are being rejected by your own child. It is terrible. And it's like everyone has to tread lightly because they can choose to go at the drop of a hat. Not how it's supposed to be

DH doesn't tread lightly.

DH doesn't tread lightly. Every time he sees SS he calls him on his stuff. And sometimes SS disappears for a while. But DH has had a lot of time to figure out how to manage this.

That is what DH is going to

That is what DH is going to have to learn. He tends to hold stuff in until he can't anymore, and it bursts out where it turns SD defensive and they fight. I feel like he needs to start calmly pointing out the things that are hurting him as they happen. Like today, he hadn't heard from her at all until we were out and about and she called....wanting to borrow one of our folding chairs. I did not hear him say anything about the prom pictures, even though he was almost in tears about it this morning. Until he can start expressing how he feels and not letting it blow over. I think this will be how it goes She does what she wants, hurts him, then calls bc she needs something. I guess it's his choice if he is ok with it, but gosh it's hard to watch. I didn't say anything today though, I am learning that I dont need to share every opinion I have

I wouldn't say my DH chases

I wouldn't say my DH chases SS, but he does keep trying, where I wish he would just stop trying and let SS seek him out when/if he's interested. BUT, I don't have any children, and I can't imagine what I would do if I did, and that one child wouldn't speak to me or treated me like crap. So I contain my desire to punch SS in the nose for his disrespect of DH, though I have let DH know that I don't want to be around SS because I fear I will tell him exactly what I think.

But then again you don’t want to

be a door Mat. She left, time to redecorates her ex room. Showing her she just can’t keep playing games. You have two choices. One is to kiss her As*. Keep her room the ways it is, throw some money at her, and basically beg her to come back to see you, or two, make bed room a TV room. Or something. So she has to beg you to come back. It just matters if you want to be step on the feast of your life

You are right. I M not

You are right. I M not feeling like redecorating her room just yet, it is still early. And I think it is important that she knows she has a place here. But as far as throwing money and begging her, I am not going to be able to handle seeing DH do that. I think he understands that will not fix the problem, and actually make the disrespect worse. I for sure dont want to see him stepped on the rest of his life

And whey exactly doesn't DH

And whey exactly doesn't DH enforce his court ordered visitation time, drag SD kicking and screaming to visition, out of her prom, which was his time, and smack BM with a contempt action for failing to surrender the Skid as ordered?

He will continue to be their bitch if he doesn't start putting his foot up SD and BM's asses and enforce his rights His foot needs to find his own mother's ass as well.

smh

I did actually run across

I did actually run across their decree for the first time when I was cleaning out stuff while doing our taxes, and it sounded pretty loose. They have shared parenting with no court ordered child support. He has paid her on his own an amount each month since i have known him. They determined that amount, and also that the parents have equal time in a 14 day span, schedule to be determined by them also. I saw another part where it said at her age, SD and non residential parent can determine visitation between them. I found it all confusing...and disappointing because I think it would have been safer to have things in writing more than what I am seeing. I dont know that a court is going to do much at her age, especially with her not wanting to be here. And I am not sure what he would gain by dragging her here,I am sure she would fight it and push them further apart. If this were happening a few years ago, I would have been with you. If he had even started speaking up a few years ago, maybe it wouldn't have gotten to this point. But you are right, he has let BM run all over him

Can’t understand ?

If SD moved out. Disrespect your DH, by not inviting him for her prom pictures at BM house. Does not want to live with you. Why do you think it’s important that she knows she has a place at your home.

Get a relality check. She does not want you in her life. As long as you are a ATM she will spend a few hours with you to pick up her gifts. If the money stops. As in money, gifts, college tuition. You will never see her again. If about time for taking a good look at the whole deal.

If BM runs over DH, and SD runs over HD, and now they are running over you, why don’t you run over DH and just stop the money. If she wants a relationship in the future that will b great

I am seeing reality, I have

I am seeing reality, I have for a long time. But she is still a child, and my DH's child at that, and they need to have a relationship. I am not saying give her money and extras, I dont support that at all, but when she is ready to be a respectful member of this household, she will always be welcome here. We didn't turn her out. I don't think anything good would come from redoing her room, we dont need the space, and it's not worth it to me to antagonize something that's already bad. Nothing we do may have any impact on her at this point, but I feel like if there is a chance for things to work out, it's important that she knows she is still part of this family.

Homes accomodate those who

Homes accomodate those who are respecful members of the family. Do what you want to do with her former room. She can have an Aero Bed in a corner if she returns. But... she should not be allowed back until she earns it with impeccable behavior for ... say .... 5 years or so without a single deviation from reasonable behavior.

For me standards are tuned to the individual. Kids who comply and have a rare brain fart have a looser standard than kids who willfully violate repeatedly. That kid has to deliver perfection before they are trusted and welcomed back.

She does not qualify. And no, she is not a child. She is a young adult. She is going to prom. At that age she is fully aware of good behavior Vs bad behavior and she his making her behavioral choices with full knowledge that she is being an asshole.

If they ever Z out to their historic crappy behavior... the requirements for return are even more stringent. There is a direct correlation between their behavior and their acceptance by the family. Period.She is a young adult and a toxic one at that.

Tender does not work on toxic. Ever. What works is escalating age appropriate consequences that deliver an increasing state of abject misery until the pain reaches a level that drives behavioral compliance from the toxic individual.

No emotion, no accomodation. Just compliance to required behavioral standards.

Keep it simple. Do not let emotion over ride reality.

I hope that your blended family can learn to compartmentalize this toxic crotch nugget until she pulls her head out of her ass. If she doesn't, she is a write off.

Do not sacrifice your happiness, your marriage or any other family member for this write off.

IMHO of course.

Good luck.

I understand

That you don’t want the person you love being hurt by his DD. But your SD most like blaming her father for leaving her and her mother. Her version of a Happy Family is gone. With Her father getting a new great life with another woman, having all you have, nice home, car, ect. And she is pushing him for doing this. Maybe one day she will change, maybe not.

But you must understand she is playing her game. And you can not do anything about how she plays it. It’s either tough love. Make believe she died, make her make the first move. OR ATM love, come to restaurant. Come to pick up your gifts, come to pick out your new car. Ect.

Its your life, do what you want. But don’t do ATM love and complain about it. I know this is harsh. Unfortunately no TV show or movie will ever show a real SF. Because it not entertaining and no one will want to see it. So you only see the fantasy SF, that most offen does not exist

Death by 1M paper cuts.

It hurts so good. Lol

I know what I want to do

And I am not disagreeing with you guys. But I am trying to respect my husband at the same time, trying to hold on to some compassion for SD, and trying to do the "right thing". She is not making it easy though. She has not contacted DH since prom, except to call on Saturday to ask to borrow a folding chair.....he texted her this morning to invite her to dinner Wed. Ahe did not respond until a few minutes ago when she said she was stopping by....she and her bf were out and she needed to use the restroom and grab a couple of her shirts. She zoomed in and out, was polite (other than dropping in at 930 pm) and said oh, I got your text, dinner Wed sounds good. DH said, oh, your phone still works? And she left. So she is being polite so that no one can say she is being mean, but still disregarding him and doing what she wants..honestly the whole thing disgusts me and I think I will make other plans for Wed. I would love to bag up the rest of her stuff, set it by the front door, and change our garage code right now. But it's DHs daughter. He is saying he still wants to take her on her bday trip. I told him yesterday I don't think I can do it. I really don't know what the right thing is at this point

She may not be being mean but

She may not be being mean but she is being rude. Time for you and DH to let her feel the pain of her crap. Write her off until she pulls her head out of her ass.

No more access to your home unless she calls two days before, no more money, no more borrowing things, no more picking up her stuff from your home.

Yes, she is DH's daughter. Which is why her crap behvior should not be tolarated.

So your DH wants to be her ATM for her attention

You have to disengage. I understand you can’t stomach it, He knows the only way to get to see her is by buying his time with her. You just make sure he does not spend thousand of dollar on her. There is nothing you can do except tell DH he being an ATM

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