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Told Fiancé I Won't Marry Him Because Of His Son's Behavior Until Son Leaves Home

FatKidLovesCake's picture

So I have been seeing my fiancé for seven years. I am divorced and so is he. I have looked at this site and it has helped me with the decision to wait until my fiancé's son leaves home to marry. Up until 2 days ago I thought maybe I would live with his son's behavior, but I have decided I can't live with his son, not even part-time, 3 days a week. He has joint custody and is cordial with his ex concerning his son. That part is good. He enjoys being a dad, I can see that, BUT his son is a 14 year old spoiled brat. His mom contributes to this behavior mostly, but after a couple of days ago, it became vivid that dad really lets him get away with his toxic mouth.

My fiancé has his own apartment and his son stays with him 3 days a week. So his son doesn't come to my house. Not that I said he can't. It's how my fiancé has set his situation up.

I ate with the grand parents and my fiancé the other day at a restaurant and everything that came out of him was disrespectful, self-righteous and arrogant. He ALWAYS butts in on every conversation and he has to be entertained. I thought once he got into his teen years, this would subside, but it seems even worse. When anyone comes over, he whines about playing games constantly and controls what the guests will be doing.

This kid fakes being sick about 80% of the time to get out of going to school. Keep in mind, he is 225lbs and is only 14. This is unhealthy and for a while my fiancé tried to keep him on a sensible diet, but like everything else, he's all talk and no follow-through. He does have health problems, but the parents won't do anything to get him to eating healthy. He doesn't do any thing physical. His interest consists of watching movies and playing video games. One time, I told my fiancé that he had better just check up on his phone history and he found lots of porn. After that, there were no consequences. So really this is old news to me. I can't lie that I do not want to be around this kid for even a little bit. I know that anything that I say will make no difference, because I have already said everything. I didn't fight with my fiancé about it, I just talked to him about how bratty his son is (without calling him a brat).

What kills me is that everyone in the family including my fiancé caters to this kid. Even when he is being out of line and rude my fiance's parents are like, you are so weird. I know that my fiancé was brought up in a household that had no filters on sarcasm or being rude. Therefore he doesn't think any of his son's behavior is a problem.

OK well, enough description, the deal is, I am baffled that when I told my fiancé why I didn't want to marry until his son has left the nest, there was really not reaction. I mean, personally, if it were me, I would have been mad, because that's my little baby you are talking about right or wrong. But nothing. He just said, I didn't really notice any thing wrong that he son did and that he really tunes a lot of it out. Now another thing, if he agreed (which obviously he didn't) why didn't he say he would try to do something about his son's behavior? And the big thought for me is, so if there was no reaction to me saying we won't get married for another say... 4 or 5 years, why didn't that even get a reaction? I know my fiancé loves me, but I have to wonder what the deal is.

Another thing is, I have my own house and my daughter has left the nest. So I am not really into inviting drama into my peaceful household. I appreciate your input.

Calypso1977's picture

ive pretty much decided to not marry my fiance until my SD13 is 18. and then she has to reach 18 without a drug problem or teen pregnancy.

i love living with my fiance when the kid isnt around. when she is around, i wish i had my own place to retreat to. relish and enjoy that you have that safe space.

as for the kid, im guessing he avoids school becuase he's probably being bullied about his weight. the bullying could also be why he behaves so badly. or he's just a turd (skid mark?).

Steppy MN2's picture

Good idea to not get married til he has left the nest...........are you sure he will be doing that at some point? Living the "spoiled" life might be pretty enticing for him for longer than just turning 18.
My kids had left the nest when I married my husband. Sure wish I would have waited til his left the nest too. Not sure our marriage will survive him always putting his kids first and me and his marriage second.
As the last comment said "Save yourself!"

FatKidLovesCake's picture

Thanks guys. Great feedback. That also crossed my mind about him not leaving at 18. Then that brings up the age old question am I wasting my time? Is it worth it? I hope that he would live with mama if it came to that, but there's no guarantee. The clock is ticking, but its not worth stopping when I know at this point I would be miserable with his son for even a little while a week. I am 50 and my fiancé is a few years younger. I guess we will have to see what happens.

Grace Galloway's picture

You're smart. stick to your guns. YOu know you dont want the drama so keep your sanity and wait. Hopefully the kid will be out of the house when he's 18, but if he's so spoiled and catered to, he might still be at home. Looks like his family has very little expectations and he's learned to be entitled. Best of luck.

hereiam's picture

Waiting until the son leaves home is all well and good but you also need a deal in place that the kid cannot come back.

When my husband and I got serious, we agreed that no other adult live with us. This has served me well because his 23 year old divorced daughter is co-dependent. Her and her 2 kids live with BM and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Your fiancé may not have thought you were serious about not marrying him until his son leaves home or he may be ok with it. Perhaps he realizes how much drama it would cause for all of you to be living under one roof.

And there is nothing wrong with NOT living under one roof, it that's what works and keeps your sanity.

FatKidLovesCake's picture

That is what I was thinking too. I know this will keep my sanity. He hasn't brought up the subject again... yet.

Orange County Ca's picture

I will guarantee you this fat lazy and undisciplined kid who feels the world revolves around him will be around for a long time. Can you see him going to college, looking for a job, keeping a job, getting married (hahahah)? Fat chance - no pun intended.

BUT there is no reason you EVER have to get married. If the two of you like each other then that should carry you through a long (like a lifetime) engagement. You can shack up when the kid finally leaves and if he comes back you can tear the shack down and send your boyfriend back to his apartment to live with his kid.

BUT his attitude does make me wonder if he does care about you. The saving grace about the story is that he didn't get angry which means he's not trying to rope you into being the maid, cook and chauffeur and hurry up about it so that's good.

So give him the benefit of the doubt and keep him at arms reach until the kid seems on his own, if ever.

FatKidLovesCake's picture

Love your post! I know, we really could stay like this a long time. And it might be a long time. We kind of do this already now. He stays over my place the days his son is with mama. No way I would be that kid's cook or anything else. Nothing would be like mommy's this or that anyway. That's true. I have plenty of time to see what my fiancé really feels about me.

Terri54's picture

You have no idea how many of us wish we had done that. Good for you! If you don't stand up for that respect now, then you'll never get it. When my parents remarried different people, I was 18 but still living with my Dad. I learned real quick that you don't have to like the person your parent marries but you do have to respect it and show the person respect because your parent chose to marry them. Wish some one told my DH that a long time ago.

Rags's picture

You are taking the wise course. With a teen Skid as you describe yours I would not marry in to that nightmare either.

Calypso1977's picture

i know you were talking about this, since youve been doing all the work at your house... so you actually had the talk with him, huh? HOw did it go? Did he even care??

Calypso1977's picture

i hope he sees a lot on this camping trip and i hope in the end he makes the right choice (you).

what is so sad about all of our situations is that i know all of these dads want good, happy relationships with their daughters. what they for some reason cant realize is that if they parented them, the time they had together would so much better! there would be no anxiety over wondering how they'd behave, no having to tell them 10 times to do something but rather just once or not at all, they'd have way less conflict and fights with us, and overall they would have the RESPECT from these kids.

AllySkoo's picture

Sounds like you've made the right choice for you and the continued health of your relationship, so good for you!

As for your fiance not getting mad or anything, I agree with others to listen to your instincts. If it seems weird or out of character, just ask him about it. ("Something is bothering me and I want to talk to you. Why weren't you upset when I said I want to wait to get married? Not that I want a fight, but I DO want to know that you want to be with me.")

For what it's worth, I likely wouldn't have had an immediate reaction either. I need time and space to process stuff before my emotions engage, so sometimes people don't see any immediate emotional impact. Doesn't mean I don't have one, just that I tend to have it in private later.

ctnmom's picture

Good for you- but check out the adult forum on here. You might want to keep this at a "dating " level. One woman on here has a forty something, yes 4-0 not a typo, SS who is still dependent on dad and calls several times a day. I think your DF didn't have much of a reaction because he's not stupid and know what a tool Baby Beluga is.

Amber Miller's picture

I remember that poster but I haven't seen her on the boards lately. I know her husband is a controlling and mean person. If it's the same poster I am thinking of, I got the feeling she wanted to leave but that he has so much control over her she doesn't know how to take the first step. I do hope that she is ok.

amber3902's picture

I'm surprised no one else has suggested the obvious. As the saying goes, why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?

Your BF may be happy to let things continue the way they are. So long as he's getting sex, good company and an occasional home cooked meal he probably doesn't want anything else. That's the way most men are.

"Now another thing, if he agreed (which obviously he didn't) why didn't he say he would try to do something about his son's behavior?"
You said "he says he doesn't notice anything wrong that his son does and that he tunes a lot of it out." That's your answer right there. He doesn't SEE anything wrong with his son's behavior, so how can he be expected to change something he doesn't think is wrong?

"And the big thought for me is, so if there was no reaction to me saying we won't get married for another say... 4 or 5 years, why didn't that even get a reaction? I know my fiancé loves me, but I have to wonder what the deal is."

If you are wondering why your BF didn't care when you told him you wouldn't get married for another 4 or 5 years, it's probably because he's very happy with the way things are and doesn't want them to change.

And Echo is spot on that things will probably not change just because his son turns 18. Kids don't "grow out" of bad behavior. If no one is correcting their bad behavior they aren't just going to magically change on their own.

Spoiled, disrespectful kids grow into spoiled, disrespectful teens that turn into spoiled, disrespectful adults.

FatKidLovesCake's picture

And this is what scares me the most! Him never growing out of his behavior. The next few years will tell the tale. I just would love to see an ounce of maturity happening with his son. He acts so much more immature than other kids his age. I even wonder if there is not something wrong with him mentally. But really, like you said, its most likely that since he wasn't taught that his behavior was out of line, he will not change. I just wish he would stop trying to be an attention whore!!!