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There is no discipline in this house!

deezcandeez's picture

My husband and I have been married almost 10 yrs, lived together 12 yrs. When I met him, his kids were G3 and B5. BM was pretty psycho for a few years, but has a new BF now who is 'normal' and she is much happier and easier to get along with.

Lately, it has been battle royal with SD15. We were all sitting on the couch last week watching TV, and DH told her to shut off the cell and the texting and she refused because she "had to tell everyone who's texting me that I'm shutting off my phone", with a nasty attitude. I said that was no way to speak to your father, and she told me to "F" myself and began screaming that she hated all of us, we could all go "F" ourselves and that she was going to kill herself. I calmly said that was great language skills she was using and she continued to scream as she and my DH ran upstairs to scream at each other some more. This happens more often than not. She threatens to go to her BM's house and never come back, and he gets all freaked out that "he's going to lose her forever". BM and he have agreed that running away to each other's houses will not be an option for her. She and I have not spoken since. I feel she owes both of us a sincere apology for the things she said to us, but she has never apologized in the past for anything she has done, and her father doesn't really push it or repremand her if she doesn't.

Last nite, the 3 of us were in the car on the way to SS17's basketball game, and DH ordered her to apologize to me, and was demanding that we speak to each other. She said she said hello to me when I walked in the house (which she did not), and the attitude came on again. He finally got her to state why I made her so mad - because she doesn't like 'people butting into her conversations'. I said I did not like rude, disrespectful, ungrateful behavior. He forced her to say 'sorry', but with such venom in her voice; I don't accept that.

I am very hurt that he allows her to be so disrespectful and rude, not only to me but to everyone in the house, including her brother. My patience with this behavior and DH's lack of the guts to lay down the law with her is getting thin. Even though she gets poor grades during the year, he still allows her to play sports and do whatever she wants. I tell him there should be consequences for bad behavior or grades, but he brushes it off. Am I being too hard-nosed? If I ever treated my parents like that, I would be missing a few of my teeth!

sbplus3's picture

i don't think you are out of line. I strongly believe kids need rules and need to learn how to have respect for others even if they don't like the person. What is DH teaching her? She can't very well go to school and tell a teacher to F off if they tell her to do something she doesn't like and she won't get a job in this world telling her bosses to F themselves. Respect is something I think ALL kids need to be taught to have and it starts at home! I would also be missing my teeth and probably my ARSE too if I tried talking like that in my home growing up.

"To win one's joy through struggle is better than to yield to melancholy"- Andre Gide

StepChicka's picture

Sounds like typical teen behavior. I know SD hurt you but FORCING an apoligy from anyone will never be sincere.

He needs to take the phone away and other privilidges if SD continues to mouth off and explain to SD why this is being done. It sounds like you guys are on the same page as far as repremending the kids so tell BM also so she knows whats going on.

Good luck!

fgump30's picture

I really sympathize with your situation. I have the same problem with my DH. His response to my complaints about the attitude and disrespect (which don't happen when he is home) is that the kid is 15. We are creating a monster and I think that this kid is in trouble for the future.

midwestmama's picture

Gosh, how *AWFUL* that would be if she LEFT FOR GOOD!! one can only hope...good lord...not sure why your DH lets her control him like that - oh wait, i do know...GUILT! I hate SK's....this whole thing just sux.

Sorry I'm no help...I just cant even form words for this...I just know it would NOT happen in MY house. DH would be out on his ass before his kid would talk to me like that in my home.

newsm24's picture

I empathize with you and are no way out of line! My BF has 3 daughters, 2 that are young teens and I deal with similar issues. I'm still learning how to deal with being disrespected by his middle child and I know a great deal of the problem has been their father addressing things and being more consistent. If I could offer any advice I'd say that you and your husband may consider counseling, just so maybe a unbias third party could give your husband some insight into how to deal with your SD. But I can tell you one thing, if I ever would've talked to my parents that way growing up my father would've broken my phone and I'd be grounded still lol.

Curious Georgetta's picture

and say things in anger   To be honest   words have never caused physical harm to anyone. If step daughter were to stand in front of her parents and shout every curse word that she had ever heard, at the end of her rant no one would be seriously harmed or injured.

OP  states that  had she done that as a teenager, she would have been missing a few teeth.  If you grow up in an environment where teenage anger and angst are met with  corporal punishment and physical retribution , you assume that  to be an acceptable solution.

The girl is verbally volatile and that can be both trying and frustrating.

Verbal volatility may simply be the behavior that has been modeled for her and she may not have witnessed  much in the way of sincere apologies being the outcome to the behavior that has been modeled for her.

It might be helpful to get her involved in  counseling to help with her impulse control.

It would probably be wise for you to let your husband manage his relationship with her on his own terms.

You can indicate how you wish to be spoken to and  what responses you will not tolerate. You husband may have a different view of and threshold of tolerance for her behavior. You place is not to become angry or intolerant on his behalf. He is being an active participant in this verbally volatile exchange and it may in part be from him that his daughter learned this method of responding.

You cannot fix either of these people   and it does not seem as though either one of them is asking you to  mediate or determine consequences for these exchanges.

The next time one of these outbursts occurs, excuse yourself and leave the room. You will not be subjected to language that you find unacceptable , and they can have their break up followed by make up event.

This is probably the drama that on varying levels they have always engaged in together.  It has little to do with you, and you will be happier if you do not become a participant in their theatre.

 

 

fourbrats's picture

because this post is so old lol!