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Talking to partner about SD

Desi's picture

I have been with my SO for 3 years, we've lived together for 1 year. SD spends 50% of time with us. I have a unique relationship with my partners daughter because of my age. My partner is roughly 20 years older than me and she is 11 years younger than me. Because of my SO and our community which you can say are very progressive/open people I don't think the agr difference is a problem between us. Let's just say the drastic age difference is not even close to the weirdest thing that she's experienced in her life. I don't think I try to parent too much either (other than the occasional "can you help me clean up the kitchen, unload groceries, etc) which I think has allowed us to feel more like friends. But she is 15 and dealing with divorced parents/ her moms bf who she hates / covid and well being a teenager so I feel bad because I know life isn't easy right now.

I have to say our bond isn't very strong, we do some things together( paint nails, play cards, talk) but we are very different people. I was raised that if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. However, She speaks whatever is on her mind, no matter who it hurts. I don't think the way I raised is completely right, but I do think it's important to consider other people's feelings.

Pretty regularly, we get into uncomfortable tiffs, no yelling matches tho. I feel like she likes to contradict everything I say, and is often negative. Like I'll tell a story about my nephew and she will say kids are so annoying. I'll say I love something, she says I don't like that, but you can like that if you want. She pretty much has an opposing opinion about everything. Fortunately, she has a sweet, smart and what I would say social justice warrior personality. She wants to treat people equally, defend the kid getting picked on at school etc. but her treatment to me and her parents is not in line with all that. 

I want to talk to my partner about it but I expect he will react poorly, huff and look down and maybe get defensive. I'm pretty honest about how I feel and he see everything I do but has a hard time being stern and confronting people. It puts me in a bad mood because I feel like my feelings are never considered when she's here. Others tell me as a "step-parent" you have to expect to take this kind of stuff. Should I sweep this kind of stuff under the rug? If so HOW do I not let it bring me down?

Rumplestiltskin's picture

Do not just expect to take it. You are an adult in the home and deserve to be treated with respect. Because of your age she may think of you more as a friend, but that isn't right. You may have to take a step back from the "buddy" role, and gently demand respect. Talk to him about it calmly but firmly. Focus on specific words, instances, and behaviors. Be prepared for it not to work out, because you have stated you feel like your feelings are not considered when she is around. That is a common theme in stepparenting. Purely on paper, this situation is not ideal for you and puts you at risk of being mistreated. An older man seeking out a much younger woman may want you to not know you shouldn't accept this. Know that there is likely something wrong with your situation, since you must have done some searching to find this site. Also know that you can do better than a much older man with a teen who doesn't treat you with respect. 

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

I use the treat people the way you would want to be treated approach. If SDs are not treating me with respect I engage in planned ignoring and will not interact with them or do things with them until I get some form of apology. 

The behavior is a way of getting attention, although negative attention it's still attention. It's also a way for them to try and blur boundaries because they are trying to be in control.

So I use real world responses. You want to act like an adult I'm going to treat you like one and if someone I knew acted like you this is exactly how I would treat them. I don't like your behavior so I have no desire to be around you or interact with you. Basically you get the cold shoulder.