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"Stupid Piece Of Crap" Step_mom here

moluvsccm5's picture

I am a virgin to this site:) So, forgive me if I do not have all of the lingo down yet.

I am a step-mom to a 15 year old girl. My husband and I have had custody of her for 4 years...there was abuse, neglect, alcoholism, drug addiction, etc in her birth mother's house before we got emergency custody of her when she was 11.

I have been a part of her life since she was 2, but there was never that much contact between us until she moved in with us. The birth mother denied visitation for years with my husband and it was a never ending battle.

There always seem to be some emotional distance between us, but that was understandable. I will give more backgraound at a later date, but right now I really need to vent.

My SD just came home from a 6 week mandated summer visit with her BM. Every year I dread these visits because she is such a terror when she returns. This year is no exception. It only took her 4 days to turn on me and boy did she turn on me.

I made the horrible mistake of cleaning her room when she was gone and for that I was called a stupid piece of crap and told I invaded her privacy. I never listen to her, always yell at her, I always lie, etc, etc. As I have read, this is a common thread.

For 4 years I have gone out of my way to make her life better than what it was and have been shit on and called names, disrespected, told that her mom (the one that physically abused her) was better than I am, and I am just tired of it. For 3 days now I have been crying because of this.

The irony is that all summer I missed her and could not wait for her to get home to a clean room and to do fun things with her and this is what happens.

I feel guilty for resenting her...my husband and I spent over $30k to get custody of her and had to put our plans to have a family of our own on hold. I cannot concieve naturally, so IVF is my only chance and all that money went to lawyers and travel, etc.

I am at my wits end and do not know what to do. My husband is wonderful and talks to her and tells her that she is being unreasonable. We have tried counseling for her in the past, but she is stubborn and actually went to 4 sessions an ddid not say one single word to the therapist...money well spent...not!

I am tired of being an emotional punching bag and know that I have done nothing worng except set boundaries, ground rules, gotten in her business, and tried to be a good mother...but have been told by her that she doesn't like to even talk or look at me. Part of me just wants to send me back to her mother; who is doing somewhat better right now, although she still has no boundaries.

Please Help!

Cara B's picture

Although I can't offer any help, I can certainly share in the misery. My SD13 is with us every other week for 5 days. One day is spent making an attitude adjustment, the next three days are fine and then on the last day when she is going back to BM's she turns into a snot. There is some strange power a BM has over a child. Recently I have been dealing with a lot of resentment as well because I invest so much in her life and then I get crapped on. All we can do is try not to blame the child and always try to do what's right. I have also given up on having my own child and am feeling that it is probably better because of all the stress with SD. I do wish we had more custody because my SD would then have a more balanced, less psychotic life without so much of her mother's influence. One day they will grow up and hopefully realize what we Steps sacrifice for them.

frustrated-mom's picture

moluvsccm5, I can’t really offer any advice, but I know exactly what you’re going through. It sounds so strange to say that. Emotional punching bag is a good way to describe it.

My SD is also 15. My DH and I ended up full custody of her last year when her grandmother past away. Her birthmom lost custody of her when she was 6, but my DH was in no position to have his daughter live with him then (he was in the military) so the grandma took SD and her two half-siblings.

The birthmom has mental health & substance abuse problems and finally had her kids taken away from her after an incident I don’t want to post about, but my DH will never get over the daddy guilt from. The BM's parental rights were severed, so no custody problems, but there are plenty of days I wish she would get her life back together so SD could go live with her. I just cannot deal with my SD.

My SD sounds a lot like yours. Angry, hostile and a terror. When she was dropped on us, I was very resentful, since I felt like my life was finally going well after struggling losing my job due to the recession and then we had to move, change everything to accommodate her and all the thanks I got was being cussed at, being told to go to hell and to f**k off and her constantly being disrespectful, refusing to follow rules or listen to anyone.

It’s wonderful that your husband is on your side and helping you deal with the situation. My SD’s behavior is completely unacceptable, but all the guilt my husband has, he will not be strict with her or discipline her.

I had only met my SD once before she moved in with us, her father barely had a relationship with her, so she has absolutely no emotional bound with him and I don’t know how I’m suppose to bond or even parent a child who hates my guts, wants nothing to do with me and tells me to go to hell on a regular basis. I know she’s had a difficult life and that causes her to get sympathy from everyone, but it shouldn’t excuse her behavior.

Right now my SD is staying with her older half-sister for the summer, and she’s due back in a week and a half and I’m absolutely dreading it. I’m trying to find other options of what to do with her, like a boarding school for troubled teens. I don’t feel like I’m equipped to handle a girl with the problems she has and I just don’t want her back in the house. This summer has been so peaceful without her around.

So, welcome, and feel free to vent.

moluvsccm5's picture

Although it sounds like our situautions are quite a bit different, there a more than a few similarities as well!

The funny thing is there are glorious moments of fun and laughter and she will tell me later that she was lying and they did not mean anything to her. I took her prom dress shopping and I though we had such a great weekend...laughing, flirting with cute waiters, beeing generall goofy, but not a week later there was fight and she said that she was only acting that way so she could get what she wanted. I felt used, and hurt and really started to question whether or not there was not some sort of metntal illness involved. She tenses hen she is hugged, lies constantly...even my husband started to say something regarding the possibility of an emotional detachment disorder. Or, maybe we are just trying to make an excuse to make it easier for us to deal with. I don't really know.

My husband and I are both in therapy together and separately and have just told sd that she WILL be going whether she like it or not for at least 5 sessions and we will take things from there. My husband and I are also putting money back into a saving account for IVF again. by the time we get enough saved up, sd with be out of house and in college and we will not have to deall with this bulls***.

I am sure that I will some back here quite frequently to vent and for advice and thank God that I found this forum.

Oh yeah, neither my sd nor I have spoken in 4 days...sad to say...but quite a relief...plus, I am an hour early to work just so I can avoid any turmoil at home.

Thanks everyone!

frustrated-mom's picture

It’s wonderful that you can have good times with your SD. There’s truly hope.

With my SD15, I like to comparing her to some angry, hostile foster kid who’s been dropped off at our door. She doesn’t want to be here, I don’t want her here, her dad is hopelessly trying to make this all somehow work and it’s an impossible situation.

The best I can hope for is her not speaking to me and ignoring her as much as possible.

Therapy hasn’t been all that helpful for my SD. She did the silent treatment for a while, then “opened up” and used it her time to bitch about how much she hates everything that’s going on.

I'm not an expert, but I feel like it's impossible to bond with a kid who you didn't raise since birth, unless they want to. I'm not sure if that's an attachment disorder, but I feel like with my SD, there's no possible way that I could be close to her like I do my son or even my stepsons that have been helping raise since they were little.

Unwilling me's picture

Frustrated-Mom, I hear you! I think I am at that stage as well with my SS16 who has lived with us for the past 3 years due to BMs breakdown.
I feel for DH, but there are times I just want to walk out and not look back - because it is EXACTLY like you described.

THERAPY was a joke- we had the same experience and what makes it worse, is that I am a psychologist who works with children and adolescents in community mental health! I should have picked a better psychologist - not one who just allowed SS16 to bitch and moan . I can tell you, my practice has changed remarkably since being a full-time SM! I DO NOT allow teenagers to bitch and moan about their parents without calling them on their contribution to the situation.
I am constantly put down - told that the teenagers "don't listen to me" (he apparently has the knoweldge of all teenagers) - and he pretty much doesn't see why he needs to contribute to anything around the house - or GET A JOB (which would force a great deal of maturity on him)

I am counting the days until Year 12 finishes here (November 18th), and I get my way finally - he will get cut off all financial support by me and DH, including bus card, hair product, and -GASP- internet. I'm sure you all in the USA will hear the screeching when THAT happens! He certianly won;t have the financial means to pay for any of the luxuries he is afforded.

All I can do until then is ignore him, avoid him and hide from him in my own house.

stepmomtotwoteenagers's picture

I know this is a terrible thing to say, but I would never live with my husbands children. If anything happened to their mother and they had to live with us, I am pretty sure I would file for divorce immediately. They are almost at an age where I won't ever have to worry, but I don't know how you guys do it. I know I couldn't.

sixteensmom's picture

I don't know if this will help or not but hang in there and know that all 15 yo girls turn on the parents who love and make life good for them. It's in their make-up some how. Both my step and bio daughters were real little bitches from 13 to 16 or so. I've never seen such manipulative little brats. My daughter is just like me (yeah I can get my way when i want) My sd is a bipolar nutcase. For those few years they seemed the same.

It's a confusing time for sds because they really hate all mother figures, and if they happen to tolerate mom, they HAVE to hate SM. If they like SM for a few hours, they have to hate mom. It's like there's some guilt that comes with the hormones, they can't like mom and sm at the same time.

Be careful in her times of hating mom that you don't agree with her, let her vent but don't join in. She'll definitely use it against you when it's your turn to be hated, and then MOM will hear everything you said -- mom will ALWAYS win no matter how psycho abusive and horrible.

Don't give in to her. Stand your ground. If she wants to live in a pigstye let her. If she wants to wear dirty clothes, fine. She can cook for herself if she's not home on time for dinner and get herself up for school herself too. When she wants something from you, turn the tables and make her do something for you first. She's going to want a car soon. Make her get a job to buy it, pay the insurance and put gas in it. Eery once in a while you can slip her $20 when she least expects it, after a particularly nice weekend where she stays out of your hair perhaps. Next time she asks for money say no, you stay in control this way Smile

As long as you know she's going to take advantage and use you and your kindness every chance she gets, you just do it to her first.

Eventually she'll see what you do for her and appreciate it -- or, she won't. My daughter finally came around when I really turned on this treatment. But my SD never did.