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Struggling with relationship with SD14

stepper47's picture

My DH and I have been married 5 years. BS18 and SS18 live at our house full time and attend local colleges. He has 50/50 for SD14. She and I have virtually no relationship, and I think it has taken even more of a blow recently due to some requests I have that DH has finally decided to try to enforce. One is to clean up after yourself (she refuses to rinse her dishes and leaves the bathroom floor soaked after a shower as examples). The other is to check before dropping in to grab stuff when she is with her mom. It was a daily thing, and there has been more than once that she had walked in at awkward times. When he brought these things up to her Last month, she lost it and cursed him out. He got angry at her and grabbed her phone, which started the tears and list of everything wrong at our house, from the size of her bedroom to the food we have, to the fact that She wants a dog and we won't get one right now. She said she does not feel welcome here. I am puzzling over that one, bc DH has always made effort with her. I have definitely taken a step back over the last couple years, due to her attitude and DHs catering to it. Around the time she turned 12, she stopped wanting to do things with the family and basically acted like our home and the way we live was beneath her. The way she would speak to DH was so demanding and disrespectful, but he would reward it by doing what She wanted because he didn't want conflict. She would not acknowledge me if I attended her school events or even if I walked into a room, and never returned texts from me. So I disengaged, but the unannounced drop ins and messes were affecting me so I spoke up about that. After her meltdown, DH grounded her from her phone, so she refused to come over for about 3 weeks. She has started coming again, but not on her regular schedule. We dont know whether she is coming until the last minute. I have noticed that it is usually when she needs something, like to use our printer or if her mom is unavailable to give her a ride somewhere. She was here her normal night Wenesday, but walked to a soccer game with a friend. While she was gone, DH and I ran to the store, and she got home before we did. She accused him of not missing her and ended up having her mom come and get her. She came back the next night, but again went to a soccer game and went straight to her room when she got home. To my knowledge, DH has only tried to speak to her about the meltdown once, and she shut him down. I have tried to be friendly, but I get short answers and she still doesn't return texts, even if it is to see if she needs something at the grocery. So it is hard to determine if she really wants a relationship. Yesterday and today she dropped in without any notice so I can see she is ignoring my request to check first. I love her and I want things to be better between us, but I am feeling the resentment creep in. I firmly believe that parents are in charge, but her parents have allowed her to put herself on their level. I am not sure how that changes at this point in time, especially when she had learned to play the trump card of refusing to come over. I am feeling a lot of guilt and sadness over the situation, and I am not sure what to do about it. I guess I am putting this out here to see if anyone may have some similar stories or insight to share?

lintini's picture

Sounds similar to what we're in the muck of with SS16.

She's playing both your DH and BM. She shouldn't be allowed to bounce around to whatever house suits her best. Looks like you won't be able to stop BM at this point.

SS16 didn't acknowledged me or his baby sister at games either.... so stop going. It's a waste of your time.

SS does the same thing in regards to not knowing if he's going to come over now after he didn't come over for a month after he was caught lying. I hate it and DH acts like it's just fine. I stopped cooking or caring if he was coming. DH is just in crisis mode, hoping SS will come over so it's happy days to find out if the little jerk is coming over. I'm 100% positive he is only coming over to try to get his dad's sports car and BM won't teach him how to drive, so he decided to come back over.

As for SD dropping in whenever.... take away her house key or rekey the doors since your DH isn't going to fix the issue. SS does not have a key to our house and never will. That was a condition I had upon moving closer to SS after reading things on this website for a few years.

MrsZipper's picture

If she doesn't have a housekey she will tell people that she feels even more unwelcome, that this is not her home and will want to come even less. Shes 14, 95% of 14 year olds are complete jerks to their parents. Unfortunately unlike 14 year olds from an intact family, this one has a choice not to see one parent. I know, I know, minors dont get to choose. But you tell me how you are going to physically drag a 110 pound girl into a car. No key, or changing the locks, will only give her more ammunition.

notasm3's picture

She's using that "ammunition" to be a manipulative b*tch. Ignore the whore and her manipulative rants. Tell her outright that she is NOT WELCOME to come be a raging ahole at your home. It's a good life lesson.

MrsZipper's picture

If SM says she is not welcome, it plays right into SDs hands. Do you think not coming over SMs home is a consequence? Nope. She doesnt have to see SM, she causes conflict between SM and DH, she gets to cry to DH about what a bitch SM is and DH and how hurt she feels and DH - I guarantee this will happen - will be completely drawn in by it and compensate by buying her things, giving her rides, and snapping at SM.

SM barring SD from her home is not a consequence for SD, it's a dream.

Disneyfan's picture

She's a 14 year old child. Can we please safe the bitch and whore labels for adults and not children.

MollyBrown's picture

Agreed. I would imagine people using these terms turns lots of potiental posters away from this site.

lintini's picture

Well that's the same problem we are facing with SS.

BM is not backing DH up and is rescuing SD when she doesn't want to be at Daddies anymore. It's pretty clear DH and BM will not work together and will just cater to SD14.

I don't see any other solutions regarding the key situation...easier said than done.

advice.only2's picture

Not much you can do at this point, the parents allowed her to be an equal to them, and at 14 there is no going back on that one. Yes she is intentionally doing things now that annoy you because you have told her what it is that bothers you....so her being a teenager and spiteful she's going to use what you give her. Stop giving her anything!

We had full custody of my SD and she would take 1 to 1 1/2 hour showers each night and it would drive me nuts and she knew it, because I kept telling her she needed to take shorter showers. Finally I just stopped saying anything about it because I knew it was a power play for her. Once I stopped complaining she stopped taking that long in the shower because she didn't know if it bothered me or not anymore. Then she started monopolizing the TV in the front room, I never said a word about it bothering me, instead me and my kids would go out into the front room and do stuff there without her...not long after that she would just hole up in her room and not interact.

The emotional manipulation is for DH to deal with and shut it down, if he even wants to. For you disengaging and just being pleasant is the best advice I can give you. I would say hello to my SD if I saw her and that was it. If she talked to me I would answer in one word senteces or simply rely on "oh you need to ask your dad" and that was it. Once I stopped giving her power over my life and my emotions things got better for me...not so much for SD because I was the only one who really truly parented her.

twoviewpoints's picture

The teen is at an obnoxious age to begin with. Secondly, she lives two worlds to your one. Where is her home? Is it Mom's? Is it Dad's? A week here, a week there. Her things scattered between two different homes. Different rules. Different expectations. Call and check first before you drop by.

Ok, so again, where is this child's home? Do the two 18yr olds call and check first before they come and get in? I bet not, because your home is considered 'their home'. Do you know each and every time before hand when one of the 18yr olds is going to come in through the front door? If not, why not?

Sure, *we* can all say as adults that *we* pay the mortgage and bills and this is our home blah blah blah. *We* can even suggest changing locks on the kid because ...because what? Because it isn't really her home? Because she doesn't call and check first and she doesn't really belong in it without doing so?

And sure, *we* can counter with 'but it's not her time to be here and not her week'. So again, where is this child's home? I don't know if the child has a stepfather in the other house or not, but imagine if she does and he has to same attitude of 'this is my home not yours and you should call and check first to see if it's ok to come'. I mean, the SF would be paying part of the mortgage there and a share of part of the other house's bills. Just like at your house, right?

So is neither house the girl's 'home'? That's got to suck. Two houses, neither place is her place to be free to enter without checking. Spending two weeks a month in places that neither is to be considered 'home'. It's not her week or day to be 'home'.

I think some of the usual old standby arguments don't hold up when one stops to think of two 18yr old grown adult men live in the house and get to call it 'home'. One the OP's and one the DH's.

As to the dishes. Just have Dad pick-up (at his expense) some stupid plastic/heavy-duty plates and bowls along with red solo cups ...Sd can then just toss the things away. End of the dish mess and fight.

Bleh, I just get frustrated when I read post about how a kid has the audacity to stop by and act like the kid might actually live there, belong there and have a house to call home.

Everybody in the OP's case has a home. The Dad, the BM, the SM, the brother, the stepbrother. Everybody except this kid. I read, change the locks, I read b*tch and wh*re. Except for having an aversion to dirty dishes, leaves the floor wet and wants to have access to her belongs at inconvenient times(?) and she has typical routine teen female meltdowns occasionally ...I didn't read where this is such a bad kid or out of the norm.

Kirby's picture

I agree with this wholeheartedly. I don't think parents should be considering the percent of custody except in a general knowing who's day it is scheduling sense but if your SO has a child as long as they are children that is their home whether it is the day they are supposed to be there or not.. how awful is that to have to think as a child that your not supposed to be at you parents home.

Willow2010's picture

I don't know. I get that it sucks for the kid to have 2 semi homes. But I do think it is just common courtesy to let someone know they are coming home unexpected. Beside just common courtesy it is a safety issue.

I know if my kids were ever coming home early (unexpected) from like a movie or visiting someone elses home, they would always call to give me a heads up that they would be home early. I always knew when my kids were coming and going.

It would not hurt this child to at least call someone to say, hey, I need to come by. It sounds like she is just coming in unexpectedly. That is not good. Someone could be naked or someone could think a stranger is breaking in. IMHO

stepper47's picture

Regarding the checking before coming by, it is not saying she can't come here on her mom's days at all. It is giving a heads up and making sure it is an ok time as a courtesy. Our boys give us a pretty good idea of their schedules and comings and goings. Sometimes we take advantage of the time no kids are home. If he stays with his mom a couple nights, my stepson has no problem calling or texting to say "hey, I need to stop by, is now ok". I have heard her do the same with her mom when DH needs to run her over there. She does not seem to have a problem doing that. I am a child of divorce and it never occurred to me not to call before going to my other parents house. I did it as a 21 year old living with my mom and stepdad. It takes so little effort,but shows respect. I compare it to me knocking and waiting for an answer before I walk into their bedroom. I do that because I respect them. That is the root of our issues, a lack of respect that has been allowed to grow. I understand and empathize with having two houses, and I am fine with back and forth with courtesy, but I do not empathize with cursing out your father and refusing to come over because he dares to set some ground rules.She is always welcome and invited to stay here, but if she is scheduled at her mom's and we aren't expecting her, we would like a heads up. I don't see the difficulty or outrageousness in that.

twoviewpoints's picture

Boundaries with SKids dropping in
"Submitted by stepper47 on Sat, 08/05/2017 - 4:03pm
General Discussion
Hello, I am just looking for feedback and advice regarding how other stepparents feel about their stepkids dropping in to pick up things. It is pretty much a daily happening at our house, we have 50/50 of my SD14, and she constantly needs to go back and forth btn our home and BM to grab item....shoes...shorts..etc. My DH has got her to at least let us know most of the time before she comes by, but I would prefer she "check", as in wait for an answer. There have been a few times I have been texted and "told" by she or her BM they are coming and then they appear within minutes DH goes from being annoyed by it to defending it, and there have been several times he gives her the green light to come when he isn't even home but I am. His view is that it is his kid's home, which I totally agree with, but every day random drop ins are crossing my boundaries, especially when I think I am having some much needed home alone time. It happened today and he basically said there is nothing he can do about it and it will probably happen more when she starts driving. Just wondering if anyone else has struggled with this and how you have been able to overcome it?"

She was giving the requested "heads up" for the most part when you posted on this before. But that wasn't good enough for you. It's not a 'heads-up' you're wanting. A 'hey, I'm going to stop and pick up my shorts' text or a 'hey, I'm going to come do some homework in my bedroom' heads-up text isn't what you want.

What you are wanting is a "check", a 'SM, is it ok if I swing by your house for a bit'. A ask permission to come 'home'.

You're looking to be able to say 'no, SD, I want the house to myself this afternoon, so no you may not come'.

That's a bit more than a heads-up courtesy call/text.

stepper47's picture

umm. You are correct, I literally just said in my last post (other than the imagined dialogue) that I do want my SD to give a heads up and check that it is an ok time before dropping in. I am not sure what you are trying to reveal by finding the post I made over a month ago and pasting it here? I took replies to that one, including yours, under consideration as I am trying to work through what is going on. I found your viewpoint helpful at that time as another perspective, right now it feels more like you are trying to call me out on something but I am missing it, sorry.

notarelative's picture

I have a screen door that can be locked from the inside that has no key. When I am home alone I keep it locked. Everyone, including DH, then has to ring the bell to be let in if I am home alone.

No screen door to lock or she has a key, get a security chain installed and use it when alone. Concern for your safety be paramount.

notasm3's picture

Life changes when divorce happens. It is absurd to try to pretend that everything is just the same as in intact families. That's reality.

Of course a bio parent wants to just allow their children to have access to their home. But when they share a home with a new partner or just some roommates it is not the same.

Lose the crap about how a SM must accept what ever sh*t is dealt them. What if one is a roommate? Many people in high cost areas have roommates. The roommates are not required to eat sh*t and accept children stopping by with no boundaries.

stepper47's picture

Thank you for all the replies. It is good to know I am not totally alone in my feelings and it is also good to hear opposite opinions to get different perspectives. It really does help when you are caught up in your own feelings. I would not lock any of our kids out of the house, I am not trying to pull rank or be mean. I am trying to find compromises that can help meet all of our needs, myself included. The cleaning up and checking before you drop in are two things that directly affect me, and in my mind have an easy fix. If I feel like my needs and boundaries are being met, I am more able to be open and engaged. If I feel they are ignored and disrespected, it builds resentment. Just like any relationship, I think. I recognize SDs need to be able to come here, so in my mind, checking first is how both our needs can be met. Our kids have never had chores, but if we ask the boys to do something, they do it. SD will blatantly ignore or refuse, which to me is the bigger issue than the actual clean up or whatever it may be. Rather than try to tackle that and fail, I chose cleaning up after yourself as my line in the sand. At 14, she is more than capable of rinsing the pot she just made mac and cheese in, rather than leave it to get crusty for us to clean. I am not questioning these two requests I have made, as I do not find them unreasonable. My guilt and struggle is coming from the result of my requests- her meltdown,subsequent refusal to come over, and jabs about DH not missing her when it has been her choice not to come. I do not in any way want my husband to lose their relationship, nor do I want her to feel unwelcome. That is part of what I am sorting through, whether she really feels that way or if she is just mad that she is getting some pushback. I also fear what this behavior may lead to in the future. Divorce is hard all the way around, no doubt about it, but if we allow it to be a reason not to have rules or expectations of behavior, how are we doing our jobs as parents? Anyway, just doing a little more venting/talking it through. Tho has given me some food for thought and I appreciate that

Disillusioned's picture

I think you'll find lots of stories like your own on here

Seems to be the norm sadly

I do honestly think when skids say they feel not welcome in a place etc... that it should be paid attention to. Yes it could be a ploy to win, but often when skids are angry and resentful and say things like that, it's true

And it doesn't matter how much your DH and you try, doesn't matter if it's in fact not true, if she believes it, then it's true for her

My OSD said many of the same things when she lived with us, and I was as baffled as you are with yours.

My DH catered to her, I fell over backwards trying to show her how important she was to me as well. I often thought how fortunate she was to have parents, step-parents, grandparents, aunts, etc... who cared so much for her and all had her best interests at heart. And yet, she was miserable at BM's and such a problem that she was moved in with us. And then she started the exact same problems in our home. Gave DH the same ultimatum about me as she gave BM about her SO

I didn't understand how she could possibly feel that way, but I do know one thing, her anger and jealously and resentment was real.

So, while your SD shouldn't be allowed to call the shots or get away with misbehaving, I would take her seriously when she says she doesn't feel wanted or welcomed in your home, and keep that in the back of your mind when dealing with her

Sorry if it didn't help, I know it's tough, I'm just speaking from my own experience with a similar SD!

stepper47's picture

I totally get what you're saying and agree that there is at least some degree of truth to her feeling. It has been a transition year, with our boys graduating and the celebration/attention on that, then her brother choosing to live with us full time. I do see where she is probably having a lot of emotions she probably doesn't even understand. It's just hard to keep that in mind with the way she acts sometimes Smile Thank you for your words, I needed this reminder. How did things work out with your SD if you dont mind me asking?

Disillusioned's picture

Sorry I meant to say that if your SD says it, it's true FOR HER, not that it's true that she's not welcome in your home of course!

Disillusioned's picture

With my SD? Well...unfortunately back then it just kept escalating Sad

My SD was miserable, sort of like your SD, mine's famous saying was that "DH didn't love her anymore" ever since I was in his life.

At first everyone - MIL/FIL, DH, and even me - tried so hard to help her overcome her jealousy and insecurities. But the more everyone catered to her, the more she used it, and the worse she became

In hindsight, I think the best approach would have been a direct approach from DH. I think he should have sat her down and told her outright that she was his daughter, would always be his daughter, no one was ever going to change that, not his love for her nor his pride in her. And, he had room in his heart to love more than just her. That he could love his SO too. A lot. That she had no right to try to destroy that.

I wish he had let her know that no matter how many fits she threw it wouldn't change his love for me, that life was like that, and she needed to work on her own acceptance. And in the meantime, he loved her just as much as he always had

But DH skirted around the issue, and she continued to escalate her behavior to the point that she finally gave DH an ultimatum. She made it clear that if he did not dump me, that she would walk out of his life. That she did not need a reason why. She simply did not like me, and as she was his all important DAUGHTER and I was JUST his SO, why had he not done this already?

I kid you not, this is how she expressed it to him!

And this was when all DH wanted was to marry and spend the rest of his life with me

Finally, her ultimatum forced him to deal with her. Probably the best thing that could have happened!

At that point, DH did talk directly to her about it. He told her that as her father, if he ever thought for one moment that I had done anything to hurt her or harm her in any way, yes I would be gone. But if on the other hand, the only reason why his daughter was insisting that he end his relationship with me was because she was throwing a jealous temper-tantrum, then truly the best thing he could do for her as her parent, was not allow that to happen.

DH then told her that he sincerely hoped that one day she would get on side with us, and accept me in her life, but, if she chose not to it was her decision to make, and to always remember this was her choice.

Of course DH (and I) and his parents, paid dearly for that, for years.

OSD did play the old "I'll walk out of your life" card, after keying our cars (and BM's SO's as well! :? ) and yelling all sorts of foul things, she stormed off and refused to set foot in our house for a long time.

She did still continue to go to family events at MIL's/FIL's, so we did see her several times a year. But she was openly hostile, a nightmare. Unbelievably immature.

She did try the old, "well I'll see you Dad separately from Disillusioned" and they tried that for a while, but any time DH would meet her for a birthday lunch for example, she spent the whole time bad-mouthing me and generally whining about her horrible life

So, DH stopped that too.

It honestly took both myself and DH disengaging from her, no longer reacting at all to her tantrums, and DH just letting her know he loved her and still cared about her (this only happened as back then I prompted him to contact her anyway each week - now I could care less)

She eventually seemed to come around, but really with her it's all just cycles. A few years she would be great, then back to being a nightmare.

I now remain disengaged. She isn't openly hostile any longer and manages to keep it together on the surface (then bad-mouths me non-stop to anyone who will listen after the fact) but it has somehow quieted down and DH does see her and her family for all the regular family get togethers

At this particular point in time, she is once again not talking to him Biggrin

I sincerely hope you don't go through all this with your SD. Keep in the back of your mind that her feelings are real, and if there are things that can be done to ease that distress for her that's great, but it shouldn't give her a green light to get away with being a monster.

stepper47's picture

Wow, I am so sorry that your family has to go through that. It is painful for all of you I know. Our situations do sound similar, although we are not at that level. Yet. I thought we were about to be. Your comment about wishing your DH had not skirted around the issue is right on. I have watched as things have gradually escalated, and until recently my DH has preferred to do the same...placate and distract and basically ignore what was going on. Like any kid who isn't corrected, she came to understand she could get by with things and continually tests the limits. I can see how it can get to the point your stepdaughter reached. And then when DH has finally called her on her behavior, she played the "I am not coming over" card. Like yours, my SD has family who are involved and love her, and DH And BM and I for the most part get along and want what's best for the kids. I feel like DH and BMs idea of the best has been to accommodate to avoid unhappiness. I know a huge part of that comes from divorce guilt. I hope that things can improve with your SD, I will say a little prayer for your situation. Meanwhile, I am taking some of the good insight I have received here to gear up for the next few days. SD should be with us tomorrow until Sunday, she has not stayed for that stretch for quite some time. DH drove her and her brother to a concert a couple hours away tonight, so I think that gesture is allowing a truce. I am going to do my best to start fresh and hope for the best! Thank you for sharing your story!