Stepson is ruining the relationship Advice
This is the first time I have ever felt the need to seek advice from a forum, I'm at the end of my tether and no speaking to my partner seems to sink in.
Ive been here for 3 years and my partner has a 13 year old son whom I do love he's a good kid, he has his moments but all teenagers do.
My issue is SS spends the majority of his time here which is dictated by his BM when she's spending time with her boyfriend. If me and my partner get time on our own it's a couple of nights mid week but we both work full time so feels useless.
I've tried talking to my partner and say that every now and again we should be able to spend a weekend on our own and send stepson to BM. However, this just ploys him straight in to a mood and he will ignore me for the rest of the night and it's like I have to just lump it.
I do everything for SS down to queuing to get his school uniform because BM BD can't be bothered. I do all the cooking, cleaning, ironing, running round while partner seems to have an easy life and babysitter on tap, I do all this on top of my full time job.
Maybe it is just a rant I need, but I'm sat here this morning wondering if I can keep doing this?? I feel we haven't got a relationship it's all just about SS and what BM is doing which dictates if we can do anything. I can count on one hand how many weekends we've been allowed on our own in 12 months.
If we go out SS will msg me constantly asking when we are home, what's for tea etc... he can cook himself but seems to wait for me to come home.
I feel like I'm allowed to be involved in 90% of SS but then when it comes down to asking if we can have a weekend alone I'm not entitled to. I feel like a bit of a doormat!! Is it me??
We are due to go Spain in two weeks (on our own) first time ever, and I will dread the flight home knowing what I'm returning to and it's going to show...
Yes I know I knew about his son before we lived together but I just expect to never have any alone time or feel bad for suggesting it.
I feel like a sinking ship and I don't know what to do??
I love them both partner is my sole mate but if I can't make him understand we need a relationship too then I don't know what else to do??
Sorry for the rant x
" I'm sat here this morning
" I'm sat here this morning wondering if I can keep doing this?"
And my question is "Why would you WANT to keep doing this?" He isn't your child, put all the responsibility back where it belongs, on your SO's shoulders. Let him do all the running for his child. Why should you do it? Because you're a woman? How damned insulting! Why do you think he won't lift a finger to make time for you? Because he's happy with things as they stand. Once he has to do all the cooking, laundry, shopping, etc. for his kid, he'll understand why you need time for yourselves.
Every time your SS asks you a question, send him to his father "Ask your dad".
Apart from that, your SO refusing to make time for you simply reduces to to the state of maid, cook, cleaner, and he's getting sex from you too. What's not to like for him? Stop doing anything for either him or his son and take care of you for a while. Oh, and block your SS's number on your phone. He has two parents and you are neither of them. Let him turn to the right people.
PS
Your stepson isn't the one who's ruining your relationship, it's your partner because he's the one who can change things but he won't. You do realize how much he is using you, don't you?
I know your right
I know your right but it will just result in WW3 and I will feel bad.
I do stuff because I love them but I just want him to give back. I told him last night he was putting a massive strain on our relationship because we haven't really got one. This just resulted in him sitting on the sofa in a mood all night.
I can't make him see what it's doing, he just says what will you do if he comes here permanently. And my answer Is he basically is anyway. He sees BM about 6 nights a month.
Time for changes ...
So, you're selling yourself short to avoid conflict? That is no way to live. He sulked with you because you were honest with him and he didn't like what you said? Wow. I hope you told him to grow up. And you're absolutely right. Every couple needs couple time, even old married couples. Good grief, he doesn't even have to send him to his mother's! The kid is 13 FFS! He can stay home on his own if you go our on a date night! I highly suggest that if you cannot get your bf to budge on this that you start going our with friends. There's no reason for you to miss out on your social life just because he wants to sit at home with his kiddo. Don't allow yourself to be cut off from the rest of the world just to sit at home with him.
Your bf has got you exactly where he wants you so it's small wonder if he doesn't want to change. Next time he asks what you'll do when he's there all the time ask him how he'd manage if you weren't there. When he tells you that he'd manage fine (and no doubt he believes that) give him the opportunity to prove that. Let him do the washing, laundry and so on for his kid.
You shouldn't have to be someone's servant in order to be loved. I understand you love him but ... is love really enough for you to remain his doormat?
Another thought, how does it make you feel that he'd rather keep his ex happy by taking his son than making you happy, by having the occasional date night? Have you considered marital counselling? Would he go?
I think it's time you started to think about the long term here. Is hanging arouind worth it if it's only to continue the drudgery? How long can you put up with this kind of crap when there are other men out there and many of them don't have a kid in tow? Start planning for your future, decide what you want and where you want to be in 5 years time... then decide whether he can fit in with that.
Above all, value yourself.
OP, no offense, you aren't
No offense, you aren't being a bit of a doormat, you are completely being a doormat. How did you end up doing 90% of the work for a child who has 2 parents? Helping is fine, but it sounds like you are doing a lot more than helping.
I always wonder about the entitlement of men who think it's the girlfriend's job to parent their child because why? She's a woman?
If you standing up for yourself and backing off of parenting ends your relationship, then you are being used. You'll have decide if that's okay with you.
Why are you doing the
Why are you doing the majority of the work for a child who's NOT YOURS? And what kind of a husband doesn't recognize that couples need regular alone time? One who's a user, that's who. What are you getting out of this relationship? A marriage is a two-way street where both parties should cherish the other and care about the others happiness. Doesn't sound like it's happening here. Looks like he found a mommy replacement and he and SS are getting all the benefit while you slave away, with your needs ignored.
Welcome to the site
You may find some of us a little blunt but that is because we have seen the same awful situations play out over and over again over the years. But please listen to the advice because it is sound.
You SO is bullying you into assuming all of the work of looking after his son. You want to keep the peace so all he needs to do is sulk for a day or two to get you back in line. You need to call him on this. And you definitely need to hand all of the labour relating to SS back to SO.
Welcome to the site!
How you describe your partner behaving, ie sulking and giving you the silent, hostile treatment if you say anything he does not like, is exactly how my ExH used to behave - he was the world's champion sulker! And it is so pathetic and counter productive - he thought he could control and dictate my behaviour by treating me this way - and he did for a number of years until eventually the worm turned and I left him for someone a bit more adult.
Throw this rotten fish back
Throw this rotten fish back into the fetid waters.
You need to raise your standards for a soul mate.
You need to raise your standards for a soul mate. You both work full time jobs and your soul mate thinks you should also have a second full time job taking care of the house and his kid? Why would someone who loves you expect you to do all that extra work for him and his child and not do anything extra for you?
Please consider some therapy so you can figure out why you are willing to settle for someone who treats you so poorly.
One thing about a WW3
It will end someday and you will be the winner. This way you just keep losing
ROFL.. I think your freudian
ROFL.. I think your freudian slip is quite apropro. He is your Sole-mate because he's walking all over you. No relationship will last if you don't feed it. I ould sugest counselling for you to find out why you are overfunctioning for a man who barely gives you scraps. You deserve better.
There is great advice here
There is great advice here but unless you grow a pair (and I mean that in the nicest way) it will be a waste of time. You clearly don't respect yourself if you are allowing your DH to use you like this. You also have warped ideas about love if you think a man who treats you with so little respect and sulks every time you try to communicate your feelings is your soul mate. I'm really sorty to say this but he sounds pretty pathetic to me.
If you want it to change then you are going to have to set boundaries and stick to them. I reckon if you hand over everything that you currently do for SS to DH you will soon find he forces the issue of custody with BM and you get plenty of free weekends.
Your stepson isn't the one
Your stepson isn't the one ruining the relationship -- it's your DH. The stepson is just doing what Dad does. And it's ashame that the stepson is learning that women exist for men's convenience.
What do you do when DH sulks? If you try to cajole him out of it, or apologize, or anything else that feeds his ego, stop it. Go on about your life--make plans for yourself. Go out, have a mani/pedi, get coffee with friends, browse the shops, whatever you do for fun without him. He is manipulating you into doing what he wants you to do. If he doesnb't like it, so what?
STOP letting him dictate how you live your life. If he doesn't like it, what is he willing to do about it? If he steps up and starts parenting his own child, great. If he doesn't, then you know your role is more like a servant than a loving partner.
Be honest. Spain will be the
Be honest. Spain will be the end if he does not immediately force EOWE visitation. BM should not have every weekend kid free and your relationship should not be BMs beck and call baby sitting service. You and your SO have every right to demand and force BM to have her kid EOWE and to have EOWE skid free.
If SO does not have the balls to man up on this, he isn't even shit as a soul mate.