Stepdaughter constantly trying to pin my husbands family against me
Im just so tired of my partners daughter (16) smack talking me to anyone who will listen.
She's lazy, she doesn't go to school, she refuses to get a job. Everyone has been handing her things her entire life, and now I come along and people are starting to hold her accountable for her actions (not because of me, but because she's getting older and needs direction...)
She see's this as all my fault, naturally... So she goes to her grandma, aunt, and whoever else will listen and just bad mouth's me to no end.
I work hard and almost all my money goes to her- heating the house, electricity, her phone bill (which we've taken away for bad behaviour...Again, all my fault apparently). I constantly clean up after her because people have been cleaning up after her all her life so she doesn't know how to...I cook her meals because, apparently, she doesnt want to learn how to cook for herself...
I sometimes feel bad because she has no friends (she doesn't go to school, or outside- she is so mentally stunted because of it, she has issues making friendships). She does have mild depression, but she has been medicated. I also have depression and countless times Ive tried to show her that going outside, finding hobbies, eating properly, it all helps... She is just doing this to herself at this point but blanming everyone else.
It seems like she enjoys having depression because it makes people feel bad for her. It makes people side with her easier when she tells everyone how Im the Big Bad Wolf.
I have to endure Christmas morning with these people who have a terrible opinion of me now because of her.
Ive began to disengage but it is making things incredibly awkward around the house. Anytime she comes downstairs to watch TV or sit with us, I just get up and leave. Its...super awkward. I just refuse to not only pay for her existance but also hang out with someone who talks trash about me and pins people against me...
My neice who is the same age is doing well in school, has many hobbies and interests, is part of extracurricular activities, can engage in conversations... I dont want to compare them but SD is just awful. She has no education, no interests (other than herself) and all the contributes to any conversation is mockery and childishness. We have put her into so many programs, she has seen so many counsellors, we have given her every possible opportunity available...She has been in so many special schools, she has been involved in music classes, sport classes- all costly things that we pay for and she just throws back at us. We've sent her to visit family for different environments, brought her on little trips- we really are trying everything. She has been given more opportunities than anyone I have ever seen or met in my entire life. She is rotten.
I have brought this up time and time again, over and over and over and over with my partner... He is helpless in it all. He wont do anything. Nobody will.
Im mostly venting because I love my partner, I love my home. I have my 5 year old who is happy. She's just...So terrible. And Im not looking forward to Christmas with these people. They did say once that they see how she is pinning people against me, but they still believe her bullshit.
Why am I letting this privelidged girl get to me? It is very negatively affecting my well being even though I know it shouldnt be.
Gods, this is hard you guys. I just want to throw her out into the hard part of town with nothing but her wits so she can see how truly good she has it, how fortunate she is, and how hard the real world is. Entitled little shit. Gah. What do I do...
Id actually like to point out
Id actually like to point out that I dont consider her my step daughter, she is my partners daughter. I am not her mother. I provide for her but I have stopped attempting any kind of connection with her. She has done some real nasty things to me in the past and Ive already decided to let the idea of step parent go.
Why are you providing for
Why are you providing for this girl at all? What is your partner doing in all this? Why is he not parenting her? Is her BM around?
Is your 5 year old with your partner? Why not disenage from it all.....you have options. If your partner does nothing to change this, this will be your life and 5 years down the line you'll wish you left.
Why do YOU provide for her?
Why do YOU provide for her? Why doesn't your partner step up and let his family know the shit SD is talking about you isn't true?
I provide for her because my
I provide for her because my partner and I came into this house together. By providing for us, and my 5 year old, I am also providing for her as well. Regarding cooking for her, she has complained that there is never any food in the house many times (which is a lie, we love to eat here).
My partner and I split the bills and the rent, and also the finances regarding the kids. It just seems fair because we love eachother.
It is gossip but its also caused them to treat me differently. My MIL will make very confusing comments towards me, she is rude to me, and the Aunt is EXTREMELY rude to me. They have told my partner what's being said about me, so he tells me. I have tried to confront them about it but they wont have any of it.
I do hope that they can see her antics soon. In the meantime, its just hard for me.
My partner is afraid that he will push her away if he starts parenting her. Her bio mom left her at an early age so he has been doing it solo their whole life. Shes a scary teen now and he is scared that she will... I dont know, leave? That would be awesome, she never leaves the house (Ha ha)
She uses the trauma of her
She uses the trauma of her bio mom leaving as a crutch...She has had an enormously loving, caring, supportive family network her whole life though. She is babied. Its like everyone is afraid of her.
The resentment you feel is
The resentment you feel is misdirected, which is really common in blended families. Your SO's daughter is blaming you instead of herself and her shite parent(s), and you resent her instead of the parents who raised her to be this way.
We all have a tendency to blame the easiest target (or the symptom rather than the core issue), but that won't fix things. Your partner should be insisting his daughter be in school; he should be working the problem and preparing her for independence and launching. Instead, he sounds passive, and it also sounds as if you're too involved.
Can you give us more details about how finances are currently handled in your household? While you should be paying your fair share of household expenses, you should not be supporting your SO's daughter, so separating finances might be the way to reduce the resentment you feel. There should also be an agreement between you and your SO about when ALL kids in the home are expected to launch. Steplife can be hard indeed, and it helps to know there's an end date in sight.
As for your SO's people, who cares what they think? Don't allow yourself to be so invested in them. I too had SDs who loved to talk carp and gossip about me, but found that in time the inlaws were able to see exactly who the bad actors actually were. When with them, watch your words and position yourself as the caring, selfless woman who's worried about SD. Don't complain or air grievances around them; they are not your tribe and each has their own loyalties and agenda. Just be cordial and dignified, stay classy, and play the role of supportive partner of your SO.
You are absolutely correct.
You are absolutely correct. It really isn't the kid's fault; its the parents who have failed and continue to fail by refusing to accept responsibilty for the outcome of their child. I have started to wonder if they aren't just waiting for the kid to "age out" of the home so they can abdicate themselves of any responsibility. What they don't realize is they are setting their kid up for a very hard life by training them to be enabled instead of empowered. Your love for your partner is blinding you to the truth; your lack of love for your partner's daughter makes her an easy target. Your resentment is misplaced, as hard as that can be to accept. Disengagement is often the only way to make it through. You are being unfair to yourself by accepting responsibility without also authority. You can't have one without the other.
Yes
This