I would take the above advice. Talking to someone when you are angry doesn't work unless you have excellent self control.
If he denies the behaviour then you can tell him .. "Well, the next time your daughter forces herself between us or behaves inappropriately I will depart for the night so you can spend time alone with her. I won't be angry but it will bring your attention to how often my role as your lover/SO becomes a competition. And maybe your daughter needs you more than you need me. In which case our relationship is doomed and I will slip out of your life."
Whenever I had a 'now hear this' talk with my DH I made it VERY clear that there is no blame, just a difference of belief or ethics and inless we find some middle ground we WILL continue to see things differnetly and it WILL erode our relationship.
I have the exact same problem with my 10 year old step-daughter because I feel Iike a third wheel and she thinks that SHE is his WIFE! He treats her like a wife and so she acts like one, constantly in competition with me
That's the same thing my step daughter does. She uses baby talk when she does this (she is 10 years old) and most of the time she tries to act like a grown-up and acts as if SHE is his wife, rather than his daughter...except when she does the baby act
Google the term "emotional incest". You'll find a ton of info about it, and it's particularly common between fathers and daughters. Especially in situations where the parents are divorced and the father has remarried. And it's thoroughly disgusting. Some of the stuff you will read will truly knock your socks off.
My SIL has an emotionally incestuous relationship with her father, although lately he seems to be putting the brakes on it in favor of an actual functional adult relationship. So you see it CAN be recognized and remedied, but the adult in the relationship has to be willing to take steps.
The whole Oedipus complex thing for kids and the parent of the opposite gender is normal ... within reason and when the child is very young. I think every kid has a period where they say something along the lines of "mommy/daddy, I love you and want to marry you." 10 may be a little old for this but I think it is a fairly common kid thing. Of course if this goes beyond a very short period and if the SO who is the target of this statement does not set the kid straight then it becomes freakishly and disgustingly abnormal. My own mother dealt with this by telling me when I was about 5yo "I love you too son but I am married to and love your dad, you will meet a beautiful young woman who you will marry and have a family with. Moms and sons are not each other's boyfriend of girlfriend and do not get married. It is a different kind of love that a mom/dad and their boys/girls have." I think you should counsel your DH on this if he is not addressing it directly. All in my layman's opinion of course.
Yep, I'm dealing with a 12 year old who presses herself in between us at any given opportunity.
It's weird to me because I have daughters and they never behaved that way and we are a very touchy feely family.
I've noticed that when his daughter is around that I almost try not to touch or hug or anything to my bf bc I know it will only get his daughter going. She seems to be worse when she sees us hugging or talking closely.
And I honestly think 12 is a bit old to be tucked in every night.
I know that bf doesn't really get to spend that much time with his daughter so then I feel guilty for causing a problem and not just going with the flow but I've decided next time she climbs up in my spot on the sofa, I'm going to look straight at my bf and say... well, guess you don't need me then, I'm going to bed now.. or better yet, to join my friends at the bar for a beer. Have fun with your mini girlfriend.
And walk out. I don't think that having a serious conversation with my bf would do any good. He'll take anything I say about his precious princess as an attack bc I know he has to know in some way that it's a bit weird for her to be all over him that way.
I'm curious as to how things will go this next weekend. We are planning a party for my oldest daughter and there will be adults there and some kids. Usually, the kid hangs all over a family friend of ours. I have mentioned several times for her to stop it.
I almost can't wait bc if she does do that then I'm going to quietly pull her aside and explain why her behavior is wrong.
Plus her wild banshee monkey behavor is so embarrassing.
Sorry.. I didn't mean to go on a rant!! Just an idea of what you might have to deal with!
My FSD13 told my BF when we first started dating (she was 11) that she would make him happy, he didn't need a girlfriend, he had her!!
She used to push between us, he wouldn't kiss me in front of her. Things are a little better, now she will just sit on the other side of him. Makes me sick, I just get up and walk away, go to my room and watch TV or clean something. I don't want a threesome with him. She can't stand for us to talk without her, she has to interfere every time. So rude!! I have pointed all this out to him, that she is his mini-wife. He says I'm crazy, but I have noticed he is changing some of the way he interacts with her.
Oh and I hate going anywhere with them. She is constantly up his butt!! Hangs onto him, he can't go to the bathroom without her tagging right behind him. I know a lot of it is just normal teenage girl insecurities but it drives me up the wall!!
OMG..me too. I hate going anywhere with SD11 and DH...so embarrassing. I know that people notice and must wonder WTF for sure. I feel like the third wheel walking behind them or not sitting next to my husband because his daughter throws a fit if he isn't sitting next to her. I don't know if I call it insecurities as much as knowing exactly how to manipulate nnnadddddddddddyyyyyyyyyyyyy!
OMG..me too. I hate going anywhere with SD11 and DH...so embarrassing. I know that people notice and must wonder WTF for sure. I feel like the third wheel walking behind them or not sitting next to my husband because his daughter throws a fit if he isn't sitting next to her. I don't know if I call it insecurities as much as knowing exactly how to manipulate nnnadddddddddddyyyyyyyyyyyyy!
Yep, I just don't go out with any of them anymore. Its just ridiculous.
Sometimes when I watch other fathers with their children, I wish to myself that SO would notice he weird he is with them.
Mine is 16. And we call her his mini-wife. It's disgusting. I hope that you can make it through it. Just be strong. Disengage from her. That is what I have learned from this site. If you disengage from her behavior life is much easier.
I call them the mini-girlfriends or mini-wives. I think he must enjoy the attention or something. Mine are 11 and stb10 and they are always hanging all over him.
One weekend I pointed it out that they were getting a little old to be so clingy and it was getting inappropriate. The SD's unintentionally helped me out by later that day each trying to sit on his lap in public, SDstb10 saying she was tired at a restaurant and proceeding to try and lay her head in his lap, one of them asking for a piece of clothing that smelled like him to take to her mom's with her, etc. At that point he finally realized it was getting a little ridiculous.
OMG! I experienced the same thing.. SO has a fave jumper that he wears - it's old..it's holy and he loves it. Couple of months of dating with SO and I was over at his place to join them for dinner. SD said at the dinner table, that the jumper had to be left to her when her Dad died. Morbid! It was quite unsettling 'cos I'd never heard of a kid asking for that before.
Mind you - she was pure mini-wife then. Typical mini-wife behaviour - wanted to do everything for Dad include sleep in his bed. Would scream, cry and throw tantrums at 11 if she couldn't. Counsellor helped him see the light thank God!
Since treating her like his daughter.. she has gotten much worse, even after counselling and therapy - lots of therapy. Hasn't visited in almost 1.5 years. She has now begun ignoring her Grandma, who helped SO raised her for 6 years, after BM took off.
It took us seeing a Family Counsellor who specialised in blended families to help SO see the light. If this didn't happen..I doubt very much that we would've survived.
SD still refuses to visit - she won't change her mind until her dad "comes to his senses" and leaves me.
My SD is 15 and she will pout all thru dinner if she isn't sitting next to daddy. She has actually pushed me out of the way on the way to the table if she thinks I am gonna sit before her and sit next to him.
When she was 10 she had to hold his hand while walking, she had to sit next to him at dinner or she would cry, she had to sit next to him on the couch.
It got so bad that he got himself a recliner for the living room and he would sit by himself on it. Then I got stuck on the "kids" couch!!
She is still a weirdo. If she hears him come out of the bedroom into the kitchen she comes flying up the stairs like a mad person. Once she even followed him into the bathroom. He had to push her out. So weird.
It is a little better now that she is 15 but ages 10-14 were so awful.
The first time we went on vacation (me, DH, DD5 at the time and SD10 at the time) SD goes in the room and says "which bed are we gonna sleep in daddy?" The look on his face was priceless. She really thought she was sleeping with daddy and I was sleeping with DD.
Hah was she in for a rude awakening!!
The first time we went on vacation SD16 assumed I would be sharing a bed with the younger brothers and she would be with her dad. She also still walks around in only her sports bra and boy shorts. She also yells Daddy.... just about every 20 minutes to a T... just in case he may be talking to me or touching me or looking at me. She also storms through our door anytime she feels she wants to. This past week I went and bought a lock so next time when she comes SINCE it will be in MY home she will NOT be barging in my room for her daddy!
Good for you for getting a lock on YOUR bedroom door!!!
This is very inspiring to hear you standing up for yourself, your space/privacy, and your boundaries!
A square table solves this problem. Put DH on one side, you on whichever side you want and pouty SD-15 can have his other side.
My Skid had a similar issue with wanting to open the door for his mom. I always opened her car door or any other door we were accessing together. He started forcing his way past either she or I to get the the door to open it for her. I had no problem with him opening doors for his mom but she and I both had issues with him rudly shoving past us to do it. We both discussed it with him to no avail until when he was about 13 he tried to shove past me and I did not give way and hip checked him into a wall. He got the message at that point because in his haste to crash past he forced me into his mom and his mom into the opposite wall. I had to get in his face as he picked himself up from his meeting with the wall and my hip.
I pointed out that he had hurt his mom and I could not tolerate that so knock it off or assume the position and the next time I would blister his bare ass with a belt. No more issues.
@ 22yo he still will insist on getting the door for his mom and I but he is now very polite about it.
We have between us 4 boys. AND NONE Of our boys are like that. NOT ONE! My son is a mama's boy I will agree BUT there is no crossing the line. There is no competition of she is MY mom or she is all mine etc. The boys never cause any conflict. There is no barging into our room etc. There is no I'm sitting on you on the couch so HE can't.
I think that when people get divorced and there is a daughter in the mix SHE takes on the roll as wife or caregiver to her father. And I think 9 times out of 10 the father lets it happen. So then when they do find a girlfriend that all changes and the daughter is beyond angry. It's a disgusting revolting cycle if you ask me. As I have been affected by this type of behavior since I am now dealing with a SD who feels that she is the ONLY woman in her fathers life. She is the woman who takes care of the brothers. She is the one he is suppose to turn to to confide in etc. My fiance is as guilty as guilty gets. He has let her run the entire show right down to if she doesn't want to do something or go someplace then they don't go regardless of what the other kids want to do.
My son and his sons NEVER behave this way. Not ever! I'm not saying boys are always good but I think women are smarter about how much they let a child parent them or love them. If that makes sense?
I have a friend who has what I would call weird interactions with her son. He's 10 and looks like a 12-13 year old. I find it strange that they hold hands (not crossing a street) just standing around when we are in public. She still tries to get him to sit in her lap. He's a big kid. It looks weird. Some adult spousal status things going on but my gentle comments have helped her get better. Her and her husband have had problems. So yes, I think that it can happen with mom's too.
Mini-wife syndrome. It seems to be a common thing in divorced families. This is as much or more the dad's fault as the child. He needs to learn (AND TEACH) proper boundaries.
I dealt with this since she was nine. Still going on at 14. I have left the home many times so they could be alone. Sad but she wants to be the main woman in his life. I am supposed to be her friend. No realization that HE is the reason I am here!
Had this same drama since I met SD when she was 3. At 12 he was still tucking her in and turning off her light, letting her sit on top of him on the couch, etc. the only thing that broke it was when I had my therapist tell him their behavior could be interpreted by an outsider who sees this for the first time as possible abuse. Bc H's reputation is his second priority only to his career, he was mortified and stopped immediately. Sometimes you just have to aim for the Achilles heel.
Me too! Sd11 gets out of the car and rushes to her dads arm and grabs it. I just walk on the other side and hold his hand. She has been all huggy hug lately. She is always I. Competition with me. I draw and paint so she has taken up the hobby. She stold all our honey moon pictures of just him and made a Instagram for his birthday and our anniversary she celebrates. She acts like she is the one that has married him. She notices when I get something new and wants the samething . It's like a mini me In a way and it's weird. He says I'm a good role model but the constant wanting to sit beside him and huggy huggy and begging to sleep In bed is weird. I'm so thankful he says no to the bed thing
Me too with the going to the opposite side of him. I think they love to think they are getting the better of him than we are. The6 love the annoyance. I’ve had copying of my phrases and things I own - if not she just pinches them off me.
i had years of the bed thing and tbh don’t know how I got through it, but now (at 14) it has stopped. One phase that has passed! Hopefully it will for you too xxx
If my husband and I start kissing my SD will push through and hug him right in the middle of it. He will lay on the couch and she will crawl up behind him and spoon him. She is nine and it wierds me out. My son is five and likes to sit on my lap but he definitely does not compete with my husband. He gets any affection he wants when no one else is close to me. She on the other hand, cant stand for her father to give me any attention without cutting in on it in some way. She just recently started asking him how his day was the second he walks in the door which is what I have always done. I have always felt like she has a mini wife complex and it creeps me out.
When I first started dating after my divorce, BS was about 10 yrs old. He hated most of the men I dated and would try to stand between us or come up and hug me if the men were too close to me. That slowly...and I mean SLOWLY started to change. Eventually I met DH and he LOVES DH. I was hesitant about dating DH at first as I had just had a relationship end very badly and needed time. BS was all about it and helped DH wear me down...haha. My BS17 is still very lovey and will come up and hug me whenever he feels like it, no matter who is around and does not care what people think about it. He doesn't push DH out of the way to do it or get angry if I hug or kiss DH.
I think it is somewhat normal for little girls to see the SM as the competition. But is should fade out by the time they are in their mid to late teens. If it doesn't then I feel it is clearly being encouraged by DD whether they realize it or not.
When SD11 was 9-10 she did similar normal things. Kissing? Tried to physically stop it, wanted herself only to hold DP's hand, made sure SHE snuggled with him.
So I stepped back a little, if the situation was appropriate, let her hold his hand for a while, let her sit with him sometimes for a movie. But he put the kibosh on the kissing interference or things like that and if HE didn't want to sit with her or wanted to hold my hand he made it clear. I considered it pretty normal. She's grown out of ALL of that except for the issue of her latest statement, after she heard DP talking with me about wanting to go somewhere romantic for a summer get-away, "You can't go ANYWHERE fun with out me!" This means Hawaii, San Diego, the Bahamas, anywhere tropical at all, London or France. I didn't say a word, he said, what if we go to Alaska? I played along and she was like, no way! LOL.
Unfortunately later DP said maybe we should go somewhere and just tell her it was AK. I said, no way in hell. She must learn SHE cannot have everything that if you and I go away it's an adult decision (based on what happened last year and our cancelled Europe plans...for various reasons...but SD11 freaked out on him). I will not lie to SDs about travels.
So we are going to San Francisco with a side trip up to wine country for a couple days.
No SDs, just us.
SD14 is a total mini-wife! She wants me gone because I'm threatening her place as his BFF/Partner. It's really creepy! Up until recently she never flinched when we were out and SO and I would hold hands. Now, she pushes her way between us. They got into a fight after she insisted on sitting next to him at a retuarant one day. (See, he used to get onto her for acting like this, but lately he says nothing or gives me the "I'm all she has" speech.
When I started moving in she would get a disgusted look on her face and say "How much of your stuff are you bringing? We don't really have room." and roll her eyes and look at SO like "Seriously?". Lately she has been trying to "decorate" the house with paintings in her (not very mature) style. When I say, "Why don't you hang that in YOUR room honey, because it doesn't really go with the decor in the dining room?" She rolls her eyes and stomps off (because until I moved in her dad let her do anything and put anything wherever she wanted it). Everytime I try to make an changes in the house she flips out! We recently bought a new TV and she flipped out when I mentioned that the old TV stand (that was totally bachelor pad, 1990's crap & the magnetic glass doors were literally falling off) needed to be replaced. She said "But we've had that TV stand since I was little!"
my husbands daughter is 18 and he hasn’t seen her since she was like 2. Her mother died when she was 8 and so her step dad raised her and was having her be his wife in every way you can think, including sexually. When she came here to visit, I would get uncomfortable with her laying on him and I would continue to be shut down everytime. What’s bad is she has continued to say she wants to have that relationship she had with her stepdad and up until she went back to her home, had thought she was doing the same thing with her bio dad. I am completely uncomfortable with her and don’t want her around my husband. I wish I could get over the sick feeling I have and know my husband doesn’t want her that way but I can’t let it go. And now she is throwing a fit because they don’t have a relationship because I put a stop to it.
I would take the above
I would take the above advice. Talking to someone when you are angry doesn't work unless you have excellent self control.
If he denies the behaviour then you can tell him .. "Well, the next time your daughter forces herself between us or behaves inappropriately I will depart for the night so you can spend time alone with her. I won't be angry but it will bring your attention to how often my role as your lover/SO becomes a competition. And maybe your daughter needs you more than you need me. In which case our relationship is doomed and I will slip out of your life."
Whenever I had a 'now hear this' talk with my DH I made it VERY clear that there is no blame, just a difference of belief or ethics and inless we find some middle ground we WILL continue to see things differnetly and it WILL erode our relationship.
I have the exact same problem
I have the exact same problem with my 10 year old step-daughter because I feel Iike a third wheel and she thinks that SHE is his WIFE! He treats her like a wife and so she acts like one, constantly in competition with me
Snitchy used to wait until
Snitchy used to wait until she saw us heading to the bedroom, and she'd come banging on our door yelling, "DADDYYYYYYYYY can I have a HUUUUUUUUUUG?"
At 16 years old.
After about 30 times, he figured out she was being an ass, and stopped her.
That's the same thing my step
That's the same thing my step daughter does. She uses baby talk when she does this (she is 10 years old) and most of the time she tries to act like a grown-up and acts as if SHE is his wife, rather than his daughter...except when she does the baby act
Google the term "emotional
Google the term "emotional incest". You'll find a ton of info about it, and it's particularly common between fathers and daughters. Especially in situations where the parents are divorced and the father has remarried. And it's thoroughly disgusting. Some of the stuff you will read will truly knock your socks off.
My SIL has an emotionally incestuous relationship with her father, although lately he seems to be putting the brakes on it in favor of an actual functional adult relationship. So you see it CAN be recognized and remedied, but the adult in the relationship has to be willing to take steps.
I googled
I googled "emotional incense"......that wasn't helpful At. All.
The whole Oedipus complex
The whole Oedipus complex thing for kids and the parent of the opposite gender is normal ... within reason and when the child is very young. I think every kid has a period where they say something along the lines of "mommy/daddy, I love you and want to marry you." 10 may be a little old for this but I think it is a fairly common kid thing. Of course if this goes beyond a very short period and if the SO who is the target of this statement does not set the kid straight then it becomes freakishly and disgustingly abnormal. My own mother dealt with this by telling me when I was about 5yo "I love you too son but I am married to and love your dad, you will meet a beautiful young woman who you will marry and have a family with. Moms and sons are not each other's boyfriend of girlfriend and do not get married. It is a different kind of love that a mom/dad and their boys/girls have." I think you should counsel your DH on this if he is not addressing it directly. All in my layman's opinion of course.
Yep, I'm dealing with a 12
Yep, I'm dealing with a 12 year old who presses herself in between us at any given opportunity.
It's weird to me because I have daughters and they never behaved that way and we are a very touchy feely family.
I've noticed that when his daughter is around that I almost try not to touch or hug or anything to my bf bc I know it will only get his daughter going. She seems to be worse when she sees us hugging or talking closely.
And I honestly think 12 is a bit old to be tucked in every night.
I know that bf doesn't really get to spend that much time with his daughter so then I feel guilty for causing a problem and not just going with the flow but I've decided next time she climbs up in my spot on the sofa, I'm going to look straight at my bf and say... well, guess you don't need me then, I'm going to bed now.. or better yet, to join my friends at the bar for a beer. Have fun with your mini girlfriend.
And walk out. I don't think that having a serious conversation with my bf would do any good. He'll take anything I say about his precious princess as an attack bc I know he has to know in some way that it's a bit weird for her to be all over him that way.
I'm curious as to how things will go this next weekend. We are planning a party for my oldest daughter and there will be adults there and some kids. Usually, the kid hangs all over a family friend of ours. I have mentioned several times for her to stop it.
I almost can't wait bc if she does do that then I'm going to quietly pull her aside and explain why her behavior is wrong.
Plus her wild banshee monkey behavor is so embarrassing.
Sorry.. I didn't mean to go on a rant!! Just an idea of what you might have to deal with!
My FSD13 told my BF when we
My FSD13 told my BF when we first started dating (she was 11) that she would make him happy, he didn't need a girlfriend, he had her!!
She used to push between us, he wouldn't kiss me in front of her. Things are a little better, now she will just sit on the other side of him. Makes me sick, I just get up and walk away, go to my room and watch TV or clean something. I don't want a threesome with him. She can't stand for us to talk without her, she has to interfere every time. So rude!! I have pointed all this out to him, that she is his mini-wife. He says I'm crazy, but I have noticed he is changing some of the way he interacts with her.
Oh and I hate going anywhere with them. She is constantly up his butt!! Hangs onto him, he can't go to the bathroom without her tagging right behind him. I know a lot of it is just normal teenage girl insecurities but it drives me up the wall!!
OMG..me too. I hate going
OMG..me too. I hate going anywhere with SD11 and DH...so embarrassing. I know that people notice and must wonder WTF for sure. I feel like the third wheel walking behind them or not sitting next to my husband because his daughter throws a fit if he isn't sitting next to her. I don't know if I call it insecurities as much as knowing exactly how to manipulate nnnadddddddddddyyyyyyyyyyyyy!
OMG..me too. I hate going
OMG..me too. I hate going anywhere with SD11 and DH...so embarrassing. I know that people notice and must wonder WTF for sure. I feel like the third wheel walking behind them or not sitting next to my husband because his daughter throws a fit if he isn't sitting next to her. I don't know if I call it insecurities as much as knowing exactly how to manipulate nnnadddddddddddyyyyyyyyyyyyy!
Yep, I just don't go out with
Yep, I just don't go out with any of them anymore. Its just ridiculous.
Sometimes when I watch other fathers with their children, I wish to myself that SO would notice he weird he is with them.
Mine is 16. And we call her
Mine is 16. And we call her his mini-wife. It's disgusting. I hope that you can make it through it. Just be strong. Disengage from her. That is what I have learned from this site. If you disengage from her behavior life is much easier.
I call them the
I call them the mini-girlfriends or mini-wives. I think he must enjoy the attention or something. Mine are 11 and stb10 and they are always hanging all over him.
One weekend I pointed it out that they were getting a little old to be so clingy and it was getting inappropriate. The SD's unintentionally helped me out by later that day each trying to sit on his lap in public, SDstb10 saying she was tired at a restaurant and proceeding to try and lay her head in his lap, one of them asking for a piece of clothing that smelled like him to take to her mom's with her, etc. At that point he finally realized it was getting a little ridiculous.
OMG! I experienced the same
OMG! I experienced the same thing.. SO has a fave jumper that he wears - it's old..it's holy and he loves it. Couple of months of dating with SO and I was over at his place to join them for dinner. SD said at the dinner table, that the jumper had to be left to her when her Dad died. Morbid! It was quite unsettling 'cos I'd never heard of a kid asking for that before.
Mind you - she was pure mini-wife then. Typical mini-wife behaviour - wanted to do everything for Dad include sleep in his bed. Would scream, cry and throw tantrums at 11 if she couldn't. Counsellor helped him see the light thank God!
Since treating her like his daughter.. she has gotten much worse, even after counselling and therapy - lots of therapy. Hasn't visited in almost 1.5 years. She has now begun ignoring her Grandma, who helped SO raised her for 6 years, after BM took off.
It took us seeing a Family Counsellor who specialised in blended families to help SO see the light. If this didn't happen..I doubt very much that we would've survived.
SD still refuses to visit - she won't change her mind until her dad "comes to his senses" and leaves me.
My SD is 15 and she will pout
My SD is 15 and she will pout all thru dinner if she isn't sitting next to daddy. She has actually pushed me out of the way on the way to the table if she thinks I am gonna sit before her and sit next to him.
When she was 10 she had to hold his hand while walking, she had to sit next to him at dinner or she would cry, she had to sit next to him on the couch.
It got so bad that he got himself a recliner for the living room and he would sit by himself on it. Then I got stuck on the "kids" couch!!
She is still a weirdo. If she hears him come out of the bedroom into the kitchen she comes flying up the stairs like a mad person. Once she even followed him into the bathroom. He had to push her out. So weird.
It is a little better now that she is 15 but ages 10-14 were so awful.
The first time we went on vacation (me, DH, DD5 at the time and SD10 at the time) SD goes in the room and says "which bed are we gonna sleep in daddy?" The look on his face was priceless. She really thought she was sleeping with daddy and I was sleeping with DD.
Hah was she in for a rude awakening!!
The first time we went on
The first time we went on vacation SD16 assumed I would be sharing a bed with the younger brothers and she would be with her dad. She also still walks around in only her sports bra and boy shorts. She also yells Daddy.... just about every 20 minutes to a T... just in case he may be talking to me or touching me or looking at me. She also storms through our door anytime she feels she wants to. This past week I went and bought a lock so next time when she comes SINCE it will be in MY home she will NOT be barging in my room for her daddy!
Good for you for getting a
Good for you for getting a lock on YOUR bedroom door!!!
This is very inspiring to hear you standing up for yourself, your space/privacy, and your boundaries!
A square table solves this
A square table solves this problem. Put DH on one side, you on whichever side you want and pouty SD-15 can have his other side.
My Skid had a similar issue with wanting to open the door for his mom. I always opened her car door or any other door we were accessing together. He started forcing his way past either she or I to get the the door to open it for her. I had no problem with him opening doors for his mom but she and I both had issues with him rudly shoving past us to do it. We both discussed it with him to no avail until when he was about 13 he tried to shove past me and I did not give way and hip checked him into a wall. He got the message at that point because in his haste to crash past he forced me into his mom and his mom into the opposite wall. I had to get in his face as he picked himself up from his meeting with the wall and my hip.
I pointed out that he had hurt his mom and I could not tolerate that so knock it off or assume the position and the next time I would blister his bare ass with a belt. No more issues.
@ 22yo he still will insist on getting the door for his mom and I but he is now very polite about it.
This is probably something
This is probably something her father fostered long ago and it was never corrected.
http://www.hugoschwyzer.net/2009/10/22/princesses-princes-daughters-and-...
Wow, I'm kind of surprised at
Wow, I'm kind of surprised at just how common this is. Very interesting. I wonder if it happens as much with sons and their mothers.
We have between us 4 boys.
We have between us 4 boys. AND NONE Of our boys are like that. NOT ONE! My son is a mama's boy I will agree BUT there is no crossing the line. There is no competition of she is MY mom or she is all mine etc. The boys never cause any conflict. There is no barging into our room etc. There is no I'm sitting on you on the couch so HE can't.
I think that when people get divorced and there is a daughter in the mix SHE takes on the roll as wife or caregiver to her father. And I think 9 times out of 10 the father lets it happen. So then when they do find a girlfriend that all changes and the daughter is beyond angry. It's a disgusting revolting cycle if you ask me. As I have been affected by this type of behavior since I am now dealing with a SD who feels that she is the ONLY woman in her fathers life. She is the woman who takes care of the brothers. She is the one he is suppose to turn to to confide in etc. My fiance is as guilty as guilty gets. He has let her run the entire show right down to if she doesn't want to do something or go someplace then they don't go regardless of what the other kids want to do.
My son and his sons NEVER behave this way. Not ever! I'm not saying boys are always good but I think women are smarter about how much they let a child parent them or love them. If that makes sense?
I have a friend who has what
I have a friend who has what I would call weird interactions with her son. He's 10 and looks like a 12-13 year old. I find it strange that they hold hands (not crossing a street) just standing around when we are in public. She still tries to get him to sit in her lap. He's a big kid. It looks weird. Some adult spousal status things going on but my gentle comments have helped her get better. Her and her husband have had problems. So yes, I think that it can happen with mom's too.
Mini-wife syndrome. It seems
Mini-wife syndrome. It seems to be a common thing in divorced families. This is as much or more the dad's fault as the child. He needs to learn (AND TEACH) proper boundaries.
I dealt with this since she
I dealt with this since she was nine. Still going on at 14. I have left the home many times so they could be alone. Sad but she wants to be the main woman in his life. I am supposed to be her friend. No realization that HE is the reason I am here!
Had this same drama since I
Had this same drama since I met SD when she was 3. At 12 he was still tucking her in and turning off her light, letting her sit on top of him on the couch, etc. the only thing that broke it was when I had my therapist tell him their behavior could be interpreted by an outsider who sees this for the first time as possible abuse. Bc H's reputation is his second priority only to his career, he was mortified and stopped immediately. Sometimes you just have to aim for the Achilles heel.
I'm stealing what your
I'm stealing what your therapist told your h. I'll be sure to point that out to mine, thanks!
Me too! Sd11 gets out of the
Me too! Sd11 gets out of the car and rushes to her dads arm and grabs it. I just walk on the other side and hold his hand. She has been all huggy hug lately. She is always I. Competition with me. I draw and paint so she has taken up the hobby. She stold all our honey moon pictures of just him and made a Instagram for his birthday and our anniversary she celebrates. She acts like she is the one that has married him. She notices when I get something new and wants the samething . It's like a mini me In a way and it's weird. He says I'm a good role model but the constant wanting to sit beside him and huggy huggy and begging to sleep In bed is weird. I'm so thankful he says no to the bed thing
Me too with the going to the
Me too with the going to the opposite side of him. I think they love to think they are getting the better of him than we are. The6 love the annoyance. I’ve had copying of my phrases and things I own - if not she just pinches them off me.
i had years of the bed thing and tbh don’t know how I got through it, but now (at 14) it has stopped. One phase that has passed! Hopefully it will for you too xxx
If my husband and I start
If my husband and I start kissing my SD will push through and hug him right in the middle of it. He will lay on the couch and she will crawl up behind him and spoon him. She is nine and it wierds me out. My son is five and likes to sit on my lap but he definitely does not compete with my husband. He gets any affection he wants when no one else is close to me. She on the other hand, cant stand for her father to give me any attention without cutting in on it in some way. She just recently started asking him how his day was the second he walks in the door which is what I have always done. I have always felt like she has a mini wife complex and it creeps me out.
You think all this is bad? I
You think all this is bad? I experience the same thing with SS14! All of it - makes me want to puke for real..
When I first started dating
When I first started dating after my divorce, BS was about 10 yrs old. He hated most of the men I dated and would try to stand between us or come up and hug me if the men were too close to me. That slowly...and I mean SLOWLY started to change. Eventually I met DH and he LOVES DH. I was hesitant about dating DH at first as I had just had a relationship end very badly and needed time. BS was all about it and helped DH wear me down...haha. My BS17 is still very lovey and will come up and hug me whenever he feels like it, no matter who is around and does not care what people think about it. He doesn't push DH out of the way to do it or get angry if I hug or kiss DH.
I think it is somewhat normal for little girls to see the SM as the competition. But is should fade out by the time they are in their mid to late teens. If it doesn't then I feel it is clearly being encouraged by DD whether they realize it or not.
When SD11 was 9-10 she did
When SD11 was 9-10 she did similar normal things. Kissing? Tried to physically stop it, wanted herself only to hold DP's hand, made sure SHE snuggled with him.
So I stepped back a little, if the situation was appropriate, let her hold his hand for a while, let her sit with him sometimes for a movie. But he put the kibosh on the kissing interference or things like that and if HE didn't want to sit with her or wanted to hold my hand he made it clear. I considered it pretty normal. She's grown out of ALL of that except for the issue of her latest statement, after she heard DP talking with me about wanting to go somewhere romantic for a summer get-away, "You can't go ANYWHERE fun with out me!" This means Hawaii, San Diego, the Bahamas, anywhere tropical at all, London or France. I didn't say a word, he said, what if we go to Alaska? I played along and she was like, no way! LOL.
Unfortunately later DP said maybe we should go somewhere and just tell her it was AK. I said, no way in hell. She must learn SHE cannot have everything that if you and I go away it's an adult decision (based on what happened last year and our cancelled Europe plans...for various reasons...but SD11 freaked out on him). I will not lie to SDs about travels.
So we are going to San Francisco with a side trip up to wine country for a couple days.
No SDs, just us.
We have a Facebook group for
We have a Facebook group for ladies dealing with Mini-Wife Syndrome. Any of y'all are welcome to join us.
https://www.facebook.com/groups/miniwifesyndromegroup/
SD14 is a total mini-wife!
SD14 is a total mini-wife! She wants me gone because I'm threatening her place as his BFF/Partner. It's really creepy! Up until recently she never flinched when we were out and SO and I would hold hands. Now, she pushes her way between us. They got into a fight after she insisted on sitting next to him at a retuarant one day. (See, he used to get onto her for acting like this, but lately he says nothing or gives me the "I'm all she has" speech.
When I started moving in she would get a disgusted look on her face and say "How much of your stuff are you bringing? We don't really have room." and roll her eyes and look at SO like "Seriously?". Lately she has been trying to "decorate" the house with paintings in her (not very mature) style. When I say, "Why don't you hang that in YOUR room honey, because it doesn't really go with the decor in the dining room?" She rolls her eyes and stomps off (because until I moved in her dad let her do anything and put anything wherever she wanted it). Everytime I try to make an changes in the house she flips out! We recently bought a new TV and she flipped out when I mentioned that the old TV stand (that was totally bachelor pad, 1990's crap & the magnetic glass doors were literally falling off) needed to be replaced. She said "But we've had that TV stand since I was little!"
SD 18 is a mini-wife
my husbands daughter is 18 and he hasn’t seen her since she was like 2. Her mother died when she was 8 and so her step dad raised her and was having her be his wife in every way you can think, including sexually. When she came here to visit, I would get uncomfortable with her laying on him and I would continue to be shut down everytime. What’s bad is she has continued to say she wants to have that relationship she had with her stepdad and up until she went back to her home, had thought she was doing the same thing with her bio dad. I am completely uncomfortable with her and don’t want her around my husband. I wish I could get over the sick feeling I have and know my husband doesn’t want her that way but I can’t let it go. And now she is throwing a fit because they don’t have a relationship because I put a stop to it.