Stealing, electronics addiction, etc...etc...etc...
I have two stepkids. One boy (11) and one girl (13). Hubby and I have been married for a little over a year. The kids were very excited about us getting married, we involved them in every step, and always treat them like they are Our kids.
Their mom is…interesting. From what I hear, she’s addicted to electronics. She has literally configured her living environment around screen time.
When we married, they moved to my house as he was renting at the time. I designed rooms for them, made them feel welcome, all that jazz. A year later, hubby and I are very happy. I don’t really know what to do with his kids though.
His daughter is constantly stealing from me. Her mother has returned my things (makeup, jewelry, etc) several times. I’ll open a cabinet in the bathroom to find an entire shelf empty of its contents, as if no one would notice. When confronted, she just shrugs. We don’t even ask her anymore if she did it, because she lies. We just ask for the items to be returned and somehow, by magic, they are. I’ve asked if she would like me to buy her some of these things for her own use, and she says no.
Last night, I was going through the house with a black light to look for cat ‘presents.’ I do NOT want to live in the cat pee house, so I do this every few weeks, just in case they went somewhere. Her room lit up like the Fourth of July. She had sprayed her room with glow-in-the-dark paint. It’s EVERYWHERE.
To top it off, they’re electronics-obsessed. Both kids have lost privileges because of awful grades. They’re smart kids, but don’t do their homework unless we sit on them. They sneak them in, hide them, steal ours, steal each others if one has an ipad and the other does not. We can’t take them away, because Mom bought them and she just gives them back. When we try to prevent them from bringing them in, they sneak them.
SD is now posting inappropriate content on the internet, as if we can’t find it. It’s like she’s abandoned every social and behavioral norm and some of it is starting to get dangerous.
To be fair, I’m the polar opposite of all of this. I hate electronics. I’m an over-achiever. I’d much rather be outside working in my garden than stuck on the computer. There is bound to be some level of disconnect because of that, but not to this extent.
It’s the ambivalence to consequences that I don’t understand. We’ve tried talking, listening, punishing (hubby does that), rewarding, establishing clear boundaries, giving them more freedom. Nothing seems to work. I am, by no means, experienced in this stuff, but there is definitely something wrong.
What’s up with stepkids who steal, lie, etc? Is there a solution?
??? Do their electronics have
??? Do their electronics have 4G? ???
When were mad enough about electronic time, or just need to call a family meeting, we turn off the Wifi...they all come running to the router. Once we even unplugged the whole house, we pulled the switch where the cable comes into the house and no one had wifi for the whole weekend. LMAO
One time we changed the password and only gave it out to the good children. LOL, the other 2 didn't know the password for like 30 days...and then they could only have it if we typed it in to their electronics so that we could also log them off the network.
OH THE FUN of wifi tricks!
Can you just turn off the wifi?
Yep, exactly as it should be
Yep, exactly as it should be managed IMHO.
I would pat down and check
I would pat down and check bags at arrival, hand the electronics back to BM. Anything that makes it through first line inspection is immediately confiscated and disabled. One warning, do it again and it is donated or trashed.
So...to fill in the blanks: I
So...to fill in the blanks:
I always let DH do the enforcing. He's not on the same page as me there, and keeps saying I should do it too, but I feel that they will get worse if it comes from me.
As for the Wifi - you'll enjoy this - I bought them a special router. It gives them their own login and password, so we can alter access times and such. SD didn't like that. She hacked into the other router, without parental controls. Her mom is a coder and taught her how.
As for calling the police, DH is a defense attorney and he would NEVER allow that.
I had the exact same issues
I had the exact same issues with Dh with the two younger skids when they were 9 and 10 years old.
They werent stealing things but there were no rules at Dad's house. When I entered the picture, they would be roller skating the the kitchen while i was trying to cook supper, parading through the DH bedroom, laying on the bed watching TV. Leaving food all over the house. It was just mayhem. No rules no order at all what so ever!
After a few months, I had to say something, I finally had a Talk with DH who at the time I wasnt married to. I was also living in my own apartment a few blocks away so I could go home if i had enough of the skids BS. We were considering moving in together so I had to attempt to set some boundaries before moving in with DH.
He wanted me to be involved with the skids disapline. I tried to explain it had to come from HIM not me. He is the Dad, I'm the invader, the one who crashed the party. DH never did get that point, we went to conseling, he still didn't get it and to this day is still clueless about what I was wanting him to understand. I dubbed him Disnayland Dad. We had fights and arguments, the kids finally were given boundaries but they knew it was because of me and then formed bad attitude towards me. After I discovered this was happening with the skids; I began volunterring to work overtime at work when it was the visitation weekend. I didnt make it obvious I didn't want to be a part of the family but I let the skids have Dad time without me around so much. I'd make my obligatory appearences and focused on doing something I wanted to do at that time and viewed weekends etc as that was there time with DH Dad.
Fast forward to nearly 20 years later.....I survived. Hooray!!! And so did everyone else!!!! In the long run it was a good thing, the relationship with the kids wasnt damaged beyond repair by my absences during visitation weekends and times with DH Dad. I hopefully didn't leave a childhood image of a frowing woman with a wooden spoon in her left hand yelling dicipline comands at them. I was just not around all the time.
The transition from me being a GF to wife went smoothly because nothing changed in the dynamics of the relationship. I never really took on a MOTHER role with them. When they got older closer to 14 and 15 years, thats when they decided I was an asset to them. I got the questions about things they couldnt talk to a parent about. Also if they had something They needed Dad to know about but they didnt want to tell him they went to me. When it was time to go to college I was the one who helped explain stuff to Dad regarding what they needed. It was ok, I'm glad I did what I did, I to this day have the roll in their life of like a Godmother or Close Aunt.
It wasnt easy by no means during these years. Eventually, after I kept pointing out stuff after the weekends with the kids, like some of my CD's were missing, or why is it I see my shampoo is half gone?? I would tell DH, he sometimes would say something to the kids but I always felt they knew I was behind it. So, I took another approach, if you can't beat them, try another approach, don't give up I told myself. I started doing little things like buy shampoo for the kids and say "This is yours" some special shampoo I knew they liked but rarely got. Because they were into my stuff even when I didnt want them to be, DH was lax about that even if it pissed me off. I decided to use my disadvantage as an advantage; for their birthday get them a Cd. I knew what they liked of my Cd's. The music became a topic of convo built on shared common ground. A relationship began to form, and it was a good thing.
To this day my Skid son and I share the same taste in music, he shares songs to me he finds on YouTube, it's part of what started our friendship. plus while he was growing up, I was privy to his choice in music at the times, which by the way is a wonderful way to get a temp check with young kids....if the kid is acting strangly, have a look at their music, it will give a clue to whats on their mind. Skid used to borrow my video games, I didnt appreciate it but instead started convo about their interest in Video games. I got them their own eventually because I didn't like them in my stuff.
My point in telling you this, maybe have a look at the things that they are taking from you, the make up for example and try showing interest in it with the skid daughter. Try to make a positive out of it. But Don't get wrapped up in trying to become the second Mom figure. Disipline is DH job, if you start in it, it will end badly I feel. They resent us, they resent us even more when we try to play MOM. Distence your self if you can on the days they are there, if something is in question, point it out to DH..."honey why is the entire contents of my make up drawer empty??? Did you happen to borrow it??? DH maybe ask skid (while she is present in the room) if she happens to know what happened?
I also support making things disappear.....plus I would do a shake down when they enter the house and when they leave and I would have DH make it clear as to why this is occuring. Hes an attorney, tell him to find his court room balls and strap them on when these kids show up, this is just the beginning sister, it will get a whole lot more challenging when they get older everyday. They will make you have gray hair later if you don't get a big rein on them both now.
Good luck, the story can have a happy ending sometime in the future but it's a way off I am sad to have to say.
Beaccoubtable, he's a defense
Beaccoubtable, he's a defense attorney, so the police are not a welcome force in his life. It's a career hazard. They would not be allowed into our house without a warrant.
Grandma C, thank you. The things she takes makes no sense. Example: when she was using a lot of my conditioner, I took her to the store and bought some for her. I use one that is specific to curly hair, and she has straight hair, so I took her to the store and let her pick one out. I don't use shampoo, so I had her get some of that too. Still, mine vanishes. I check hers to see if it ran out. Nope. We're talking half a bottle gone at once, and this stuff is Expensive.
I filled her stocking with all the things she seems to like, but she takes mine, which are the exact same thing. Neither kid is denied Anything.
I don't want to take their mom's place, but there are times when I've had to step up...like when Aunt Flo visited for the first time and she had no idea what was happening because her mother never told about periods. When we called her, she said, "I'm in Canada on vacation. I'll deal with it when I get back." So I took her to the store and bought every pad in sight and a purse to carry them, so she had options. What was she supposed to do? Staunch it until mom came home?
I'll try not to focus on the mom because she's not my concern, but her video game obsession has definitely put her kids in the backseat.
is buying a safe an option? a
is buying a safe an option? a box with a padlock? anything? if they ask why its there you can just say "you tell me."
lol...just bought one
lol...just bought one yesterday!!!
Great minds.
A safe is a fantastic
A safe is a fantastic idea!!!
That is so sad about her mom being it seems so very insensitive to the needs of her children, especially during Aunt Flows first visit. I'm glad however that you were there to help SD.
I've heard and also experienced how obsessed people can become with the video games, especially the virtural reality games. It's as if they are escaping their life and absorbing them selves into the video game. They seem to become absent and detatched from their life and responsibilities neglecting everyone and everything else around them. It's very sad and I'm so very sorry that is happening to these children.
My feelings of MHO are perhaps this girl is crying out for attention and targeting you to somehow get yours. That was very kind of you to be so positive by trying your best to deal with the situation in a positive way buying shamopoo and stocking gifts etc. Hopefully it will satisfy whatever it is that this sd is needing.
The best of luck to you, do always try to take some time for yourself apart from everyone else, it really does help to have alone time to regroup even if it's only for 15 minutes.
Thanks. The video games are a
Thanks.
The video games are a huge problem. It's why their marriage broke up. She met a guy through one of them and left for him.
How does one even combat that?
I totally see where you are
I totally see where you are coming from. Personality wise, I am the polar opposite of SD10 and BM. She constantly complains, makes excuses, and is lazy. She has the worse hygeine I've ever seen. I always have some sort of project going on and love to stay "busy". It makes me feel good to get up, put on makeup, a cute outfit, and feel "ready" for the day. Even if I"m just out running errands. SD is totally content laying in bed all day. I'm an introvert, but I love to socialize in moderation. I have some close friends in the neighborhood (also with kids) and SD never wants to join and play while the moms hang out. It makes it soooo incredibly hard to relate to SKs and form a relationship when you have NOTHING in common. I also helped decorate SDs room when we moved in, have helped her repaint and update as she has gotten older. She doesn't take care of her belongings, and yes, it makes me want to quit trying. I went on a trip with my sister in the summer to Acadia National Park. Found a souvenir t-shirt I thought SD would like (not cheap). Saw the other day that she said "oh yeah, that doesn't fit" It's an Adult Small BTW, so she decide to use SCISSORS and cut it up? Now I can't even donate it to someone else in need. She is ungrateful and makes it difficult to want to do nice things. I have disengaged over the years and would suggest you to do the same. We tried :/ Not much else we can do.