You are here

SS needs help, DH wanted him to move in ... I said no; so he left us.

Mizunderstood's picture

Backstory: I've been with DH since 2008. SS was 2 at the time. It's always been rough. BM and her family spoiled SS rotten. At early age he would tell DH I was mean to him and didn't love him because I would treat him like my child and if he didn't do something he was yelled at or punished. 
Fast forward to him being 12 and out of control at his mothers so I agreed to have him live with us. I purchased the home ( DH is not on it ). During that time he would make racist comments ie: Dad I know how you fucked up your life, you married an Asian; brought large knives ( nazi symbols, 1 was like a large eagle like claw shaped used to hit animals ) I was doing laundry and reached down and pulled out a blade. Thankfully our other children weren't helping at the time it could have sliced their fingers off. He began sending nudes to older men, searching for sugar daddy's on kik and other apps, and one night while his dad was at school (night school) he bucked at me and laughed in my face as I searched his room for more weapons after I said no more. He laughing made comments about he had more but didn't know where they were at the time. It sent chills up my spine. I told DH then that he had to go. I didn't feel safe for my self or my other children ( our daughters together who were 3 and 6) he was taking photos and sending them to older men; how did I know if he gave them our address or he didn't take a photo by a street sign or school items where men could find them. DH said I was being crazy and exaggerating. He didn't like that and I told him that SS could go or they both could but I needed to protect my daughters. SS lett the next day and DH left that following day he was gone for about a.week before he asked to come back. 
Fast forward to beginning of this year: BM searched SS room and found 2 guns and drugs; and said he was calling the suicide hotlines. DH took off work and took SS to be evaluated; he was admitted for a few days. He laughed about it, no school TV and it was like a mini vacation. Didn't take anything seriously. In therapy only thing he could say was that DH chose me over him and BM chose her new bf over him. Then he gets out and maybe a month later ( last week ) we get a call from SS saying him and moms bf got into a fight and BM BF bodyslammed him. ( turns out he was suspended from bus last week and from school that week ) BM said she didn't agree with the BF putting hands on SS but that he was laughing in their faces when they tried to talk to him. DH had surgery that morning and now we get this call so I drive him over to BM house to see wtf is going on and SS is sliced from cutting up and down both arms .... DH solution is to bring him back to our house for a few days to chill. All good; bc I know DH will be home and SS will need to return to school before DH has school. Whelp I get home and nope he's decided to let him stay thru the weekend. I didn't agree because DH would have school Thursday night leaving me alone with my 2 girls and SS. We argue, so he says I'll find somewhere for us (DH/SS) to go. Next day I get message BM will pick him up by 330; I get home at 355; I sit at bus stop with little ones because I haven't heard he's been picked up . Finally around 415 I pull up and open house and SS is sitting down stairs playing a video game. BM doesn't show up for another 30 mins. I used bathroom and was getting ready to leave because I didn't wanna be there alone and she showed up. Friday afternoon rolls around and DH tries to argue that he wants SS to move back in with us ... I don't think he needs to be here he needs to be admitted to a 30 day evaluation for the help he needs. We didn't agree so DH packed up his belongings and told our daughters he was moving out for good and told me I told you that you wouldn't win over my kids. 
It's Sunday and still no word from him. He has called our daughters cell and talked to them. Am I wrong for wanting to protect myself and our daughters?! I'm just sad, angry, like 12 years together, 9 year marriage all gone. 

ndc's picture

He told you you wouldn't win over his kids?  As if it's a contest.  I know this is difficult after 12 years together, but just from that statement you can tell that you weren't his priority.  OF COURSE you need to protect yourself and your daughters.  SS needs serious help, and he's not getting it.  He has knives and guns and is cutting?  Frankly, his rudeness, racist comments and lack of respect would have been enough for me.  Add the other stuff, which is DANGEROUS, and there's no question but that he had to go.  Of course you weren't wrong.  

SteppedOut's picture

So? What about your shared children? I guess he doesn't consider them as much "his kids" as his deranged son? He can't see his psycho is a danger to your YOUNG daughters?

What a jerk! Good riddance. Talk to a lawyer tomorrow and get child support set up ASAP.

notsurehowtodeal's picture

Get a lawyer, but remember that if you don't take steps to prevent it, that DH will be allowed visitation with your daughter's and they will then be around SS. Can you trust DH to protect them from SS? This is a horrible situation to be in, and I really feel for you. Do what you need to do to protect yourself and your daughters.

SteppedOut's picture

There is PLENTY of good cause, with evidence, that visitation should be when "dad" doesn't have his son (weekend visits with bm or whatever). 

OP should highlight this kid's myriad of mental defects to the court. This kid displays frequent disturbing behaviors on a daily basis. 

Tbh, he may not even be interested in visitation. 

Rags's picture

Protect you and protect you children.  Nail daddy for a pile of CS and take everyting. He left the home, rekey the locks and don't let him back in.

He played the leaving and its over card. Believe him and nail his ass to the wall.

Take care of  you and the kids.

Good riddance to DH and his toxic spawn.

Mizunderstood's picture

Thank you! I was blaming myself for not trying hard enough or fighting for our marriage but  it's clear I was never a priority. And he left our girls and right now they are mad at me; but they will see it in the long run I was just doing what was best for them. 

lieutenant_dad's picture

Tell the girls why you did what you did.

"Girls, your brother is sick in a way that puts you both in danger. I cannot be a good mother and keep you around that. Yes, your dad is angry at me, but I have to keep you safe. I don't want you hurt."

I'm not sure how old they are, but if they ask why you are in danger, I'd tell them about finding knives and guns and drugs. Not to defame him, but to get it clear in their minds (if they have to interact with H and SS) what they need to be on the lookout for.

Your H is 100% wrong to blame you but 100% right to move out. It's the only way to protect your kids. Now, find a pitbull attorney and explain this mess before H concocts some grand scheme to get all his kids together under one roof. Show him you're serious.

Mizunderstood's picture

You are right! It is their half brother, but he still poses a threat to me and them.

ndc's picture

This!! I am not an advocate for bad-mouthing the other parent or disclosing adult information, but if the DuH is poisoning their minds and putting the blame on you, you need to tell them the truth in an age appropriate way, as well as give them the tools they'll need if they're to be with DuH and the dangerous SS.

Rags's picture

The facts should never be a secret.  Present them in a way that informs but does not alienate.

Facts are neither good nore bad, they are merely facts.  And they matter.

shamds's picture

Get called with him bringing weapons in the home or your husband bringing him back in

he has a history of lying, stretching the truth and not sticking to the agreement and you just suck it up!! You protected your daughters, no way i’d let a minor skid with knives and guns and engaging in sending nudes to older men.. you did the right thing, do not second guess yourself... 

Mizunderstood's picture

I wasn't involved in everything when it came to admitting him the hospital the first time. I was told that since a weapon was involved that is why a parent (DH) had to stay with him until he was transferred to another facility that could take him. DH said he didn't call police because he looked it up and he felt it would hurt him in the long run. Making a criminal record. I never saw the guns, but was told about them. he admitted buying both from someone at his school. If they had gotten him help when I found the knives over a year 1/2 ago, instead of telling me I was exaggerating, maybe he could have gotten help then.

shamds's picture

Oh please?? Its more like he didn’t want to be knows as the hard ass parent dishing out tough love and getting his kid arrested because skid would end contact with him.

what on earth is going in his head that he thinks its ok to have your minor kids together live with him??

Rags's picture

He is a minor.  As I understand it heir record seals at 18.

Your DH is willfully ignorant at best and an idiot at worst.

Stressed19's picture

So biomom's bf slams him? How old is he again? Wow! If his own mother can't control him hat can you do? Imagine when he gers older? Fight for what you feel is right for you and your girls now!

tog redux's picture

Wow, I was understanding that he might need to move out to care for his son, and I totally get why you don't want him there - but his response is scary.

And the fact that he's poisoning the girls against you is also scary.  He has the making of someone who would try to alienate the kids from you.

Goodluck's picture

Where did dh sleep ?

He must have had a place in mind,  Pre-planned OR did he sleep in his car, hotel? His parents?

Wow I am so sorry about this. Your right to protect you minor kids. That is your obligation.

 

Mizunderstood's picture

Honestly, I do not know for sure. We still have not communicated. I'm almost positive he is at his fathers house.

Mizunderstood's picture

DH couldn't tell me how bringing him to our home was going to help him. Except he felt that since BM BF "put hands on him" that he was in danger. Although I tried to explain to DH that if you were trying to discipline SS and he laughed in your face would you have smacked his ass, he said yes - I said do you think SS would turn over for BM BF or put up a fight about it. I think because BM took everything away from SS at her house, he cried to DH to get him to come get him and basically manipulate the situation, because DH and I both work during the day so he was left to play in our "game room" on video games all day without a care in the world.

Mizunderstood's picture

Update: Advice needed... DH came back on Thursday last week. SS was at his grandparents house. I guess grandparents were concerned with his living with his mother and mothers BF. Not once did they address the issues with SS. They offered to put him into "private school," Im not sure that will fix his mental health issues. Well DH stayed at the house this past weekend. Saying he left to make a point that he was 100% against closing the door to our kids (SS). Our oldest daughter (10) was angry he was there, would not give him and hug or talk to him kindly. I told her even if he hurt you that is still your father and you need to be respectful. She is hurt that he lied to her; and she was finally getting used to him being gone for him to show up again, like nothing happened. And she was afraid if he came back it would just continue to happen. He would leave and she would be ok after a week and he would come back. All valid ways to feel. I told him that she was right, she had legit abandonment issues. Our youngest was happy to see him gave him the biggest hug he said he has ever gotten from her. She is a mommas girl. All the while that DH is at the house, SS is calling him to find out if anything has changed at the house. My stance on him coming back; since DH believes SS is sorry and wants to talk to me and make things right ... am I wrong for thinking this is just another game of manipulation from SS? You never want to talk to me when his father is around; he told his father that he wanted to spend time with me and talk to me when he had school last Thursday and I made him leave. Although, that was the first I heard about him wanting to talk to me. And his father was there Wed and so was I but never once did he mention wanting to talk ... SS called/texted all weekend asking if anything changed. . . I told my DH that our relationship didnt crumble in night, it will not be fixed in a night ... he didnt get it. I'm confused.

Winterglow's picture

Don't even listen to a word of what he's saying if it isn't that your SS is getting evaluated and getting the appropriate treatment for his violence and drug use. Do not have this child in your home. You have no idea what he is capable of. Can you imagine living in fear of his reactions, his potential treatment of your daughters?

Tell your DuH to take a running jump if he isn't getting his son into inpatient treatment like any caring, responsible father would do. He should be getting him help rather than trying to bully you to take a violent and unpredictable teen into your home.

Survivingstephell's picture

Do not fall for this web of bullcrap.  DH is putting words out there to make you think all is well and SS magically got better.  You hold your line, its healthy and putting your girls first is foremost since DH can't or won't.  Yeah  he's caught in the middle but is failing all of his children in epic fashion.  

Look up the words contrite, amends, apologies, and any others that might explain accountablity to DH. Print them out and give them to him.  He really doesn't want to face reality about who his son is.   Don't eat that sh&* sandwich he's serving you.  

Harry's picture

Long time help.  He is not going to get better in a a week at GP home with DH who did nothing for years to help his son.

No you can not have this kid in your home with out atleast six month of help. Like inpatient help. Not once a week for one hour help.  After six month you will talk with the DR and will see.  

Rags's picture

DH has done nothing of substance to deal with the toxic Spawn's behavioral crap.  So, SS has no place in your home or family.  That DH would abandon his younger children and his marriage for his toxic eldest child says far more about this POS male failure than I care to know.

He can polish the turd of his eldest spawn as long as he chooses but until he actually takes actual steps to confront and deal with the toxic spawn's issues all he will be presenting to you for acceptance is a shining turd.

A turd, no matter how shiny, is still shit.

Mizunderstood's picture

DH believes I need to let it go. That I have resentment issues and I do not know how to move on and let things go. He says my story telling is crazy. Example: He was over the house Sunday, I was laying down on the couch and he threw a blanket at me ( I said I was cold ) but in the process knocked over a full cup of ice water all over me and the couch. He laughed and said omg Im sorry I didnt think the cup would fall. He comes back a few minutes later from smoking. I had moved to his spot on the couch and he laughed and said now youre taking my spot ... I said yeah you poured water all over me. He was like seriously ... he said that is not what happened ... I was like OMG is my spot wet yes or no? He said yes, I said is it wet because you poured water on me (accidental or intentional does not matter) water was poured on me. He said my story telling is crazy. I just dont get it ... was it a poor choice or words should I have said spilled water on me instead of poured?! He is making me second guess everything.

We talked alittle about the knives thing again and he kept telling me that SS laughing at me when I asked for his knives and any other weapons in his room, saying I have more I just don’t know where they are right now. Said that is not a threat. I was like excuse me, he said replace knives with anything else like a phone charger … I was like WTF a phone charger can’t hurt me … he said anyone he has asked said I was ridiculous and in no way was that a threat. I just don’t know how to feel anymore. Whether he sees it as a threat or not …. ME as his wife felt it was and my feelings should be valid right?! Like telling me Im wrong in feeling the way I felt… just seems crazy to me.

Rags's picture

Can you say..... GASLIGHTING!  As for the opinions of DH's friends SS..... idiots flock together.

This kid a menace and DH does not get to say whether or not the toxic spawn threatened you.  He was not there.

Mizunderstood's picture

He doesn't live with us. He came by for a few days (Fri-Mon) Left for work yesterday morning and that was it. I got the Good Morning have a good day tell the girls I love them and if I didn't message him, he & I probably would not have communicated at all.
I think I will just take this time to focus on me and our girls. They are the most important. If he calls he calls, if he doesnt he doesnt. But I for sure know that I cant keep living the way we have been.

Steptotheright's picture

Hon, understand the predicament you are in. You are being gaslighted. This means that through manipulation, lies, and a skewing of reality, your douchebag SO is trying to make you doubt your hold on sanity. To control you.

You may choose to stay in this situation or not, given the facts, I suggest not... But go into it everyday mindful that you are dealing with a manipulator. a natural-born manipulator.. and your perspective, your voice, and your truth MATTERS.

Do not let him soften your resolve by weakening your foundation with lies. Stay self aware that you do have a point and that you are not crazy!

Do not allow yourself to fall under the sway of a master gaslighter.

That is all. Good luck

Rags's picture

He left, Re-key the locks, have him served with divorce papers, lock up the assets and get on with the business of living your own life and raising your young children to be far better than their father and elder sib will ever be.

Take care of you.

Anonyn49's picture

This is no longer about doing what is best for SS or even the family. Your DH is now out to win, to prove you wrong and to make you doubt yourself.

Your concerns are valid.

SS is a minor and possibly an addict and obviously has emotional problems. Does he want to make things better? Who knows. In the moment, he probably does, ie: when he says he wants to talk to you. Facts are though, he has issues that make him a danger to himself and to others. You have other children and are doing a good job of protecting them. Your DH is in too much pain to see what he is doing.

I strongly suggest you let DH know that he needs to find somewhere else to live and that the only place the situation regarding SS will be discussed anymore is in a therapist's office. THAT is only if you want to try and salvage the marriage. But with his gaslighting you so obviously, he has lost your trust and you need another person present who can help negotiate these conversations. DH is not thinking straight and not to be trusted right now.

I am so sorry you are going through this. Your girls too. I am also sorry for your DH, whose SS is obviously in a lot of pain and for SS himself. None of that changes the fact that you are doing the right thing and that this is unhealthy and untenable. Don't let him blind you and if you find yourself doubting your sanity cut off contact completely. 

Stressed19's picture

If his own mom doesn't want to deal with him, why should you? He can stay where he has, his biomom. Your husband can pick him up, take him to counseling, spend time with him, teach him how to do something productive, kid needs attention. When there are no rules, boundaries and consequences kids don't feel loved.. Seems this kid has been allowed to behave this way for a looong time. Only it is not as cute when they get older!