So tired of the manipulation
I'm new here so I'm not sure what all abbreviations mean yet.
I have a SD that is 17 an her mother passed away when she was 11. I've been raising her as my own since then,she uses her mother's death to manipulate everyone. She has painted me to be some kind of wicked SM an I've been nothing but loving to this child. I have children of my own that I've neglected to care for her. Don't get me wrong I've still been a mother to my BC but I've spent so much time with my SD trying to let her know she is loved despite her mother taking her own life. An everything I've done for the SD seems to go unnoticed every time she doesn't get her way. My husband completely withdraws from everyone every time she starts her drama,an acts as if I just shouldn't care what she tells people about me. Her last stunt was to tell everyone I'm always telling her she is going to hell for everything she does. An because she has been going to church with her Penecostal boyfriend an I'm baptist she told all his family an my husbands family I told her she would go to hell for that. I'm just at a loss with her. So now she is allowed to only talk to her father which is a truck driver an never home. How am I supposed to mother a child that doesn't have to ask or tell me when or what she is doing ?
What's the plan for when shes
What's the plan for when shes 18 and done with high school?
Her plan is to move out ! She
Her plan is to move out ! She plan to start all this drama so her father would let her move out now,however it didn't work out that way. The child doesn't have a healthy way of thinking at all. Her mother was mentally healthy an I'm afraid she suffers from the same problems. Every time she doesn't like something she throws a fit that she doesn't wanna live with us.
Honestly if she wants to move
Honestly if she wants to move out I'd just ride it out until she does and wish her luck. Not much you can do as a SM at this point and with that limited time.
Until she is 19
She won't graduate until she is 19. So I don't know if she will stay or go next year. I'm not sure how much more our marriage can even take. I also have the fear that her drama won't stop when she leaves our home. I am very glad that I found this website. I was starting to wonder if I was the only one struggling with SD issues.
Sounds like DH needs to find
Sounds like DH needs to find a different job then. I dont think is doable for you and I wouldn't want the liability of having a 17 year old who doesnt lies home alone with me.
I think you should redirect
We regularly get posts from SMs whose Hs have full custody, but think they can just dump their parenting responsibilities on their wife. This just seems like a recipe for disaster to me. What would your H do it you weren't around to be a built-in nanny?
I think you should redirect your energies and focus on your bios, yourself, and your marriage, period. Drop the rope with this girl. You're not her mother, and she may resent you simply for that reason. Her mom is dead, her remaining parent is seldom home, and she has no control over any of this so you get to be the scapegoat. Sounds like a losing proposition for you.
Tell your H that his daughter needs him to be present and parenting, and that he needs to find work that allows him to do that. You acting as his proxy just isn't working.
Yeah, I don't get these men
Yeah, I don't get these men who find a woman to care for their kid after a death/divorce. How about parenting your OWN kid, dude? Why do they assume some woman will be happy to step in and be Mommy to their kids?
It may never get better
My mom’s dad died in an accident when they were a little. My aunt was the youngest and everyone talked about how tragic it was for “the baby” (she was in early elementary school). This set my aunt on a path of lifelong victimhood. We have all had to learn to ignore her when she gets into victim mode.
It may not get better but you can change how you respond (or don’t respond).
You know her well enough to know when it’s manipulation. Don’t respond. And, use the “ask your father when he gets home” tactic. Your DH can deal or she can miss things. Just shut her down or say something completely different (“looks like rain”).
Shes also 17 and a teenager. This may be her time to be the ultimately most nasty version of herself. And that hope might keep you from killing her.
What does your DH say about her tactics?
Your DH need a new job
where he home every day. How can you love someone who doesn’t parent there own kid. And makes you do all the work. No wonder why SD is like this. Her mother dead, her Father does not care about her. He gets a job where he away from her.
Can sd stay with dh other family members?
This is not good. The lies SD tells to people may escalate and put you in legal trouble. If she alleges physical or sexual abuse the police and cps will be involved. You need to protect yourself and your children. Does dh have any family that would be willing to take her for some or all of the time? For some reason the bio parents family seems to actually care about these disturbed children. I personally would not be able to deal with the child being in my house and dh not being there on a regular basis for an extended period of time. Remember that she is not your child and is very disturbed. It is not your concern how she turns out. Your bio children need your attention, not this disturbed child. She may not turn out well. It’s faulty parenting by her bio parents and not your fault at all. Good luck to you.
She is 17. She does what she
She is 17. She does what she is told or her house key stops working. End of problem.
Since daddy has abdicated his parenting responsibilities he gets no say.
Therapy
Has she been in any form of therapy since her mother died? It sounds like she hasnt coped with the loss and may need a professional to help her work through those feelings. You cannot do this as youre not a licensed therapist so really...this isnt something you can battle yourself.
You didn’t neglect sd...
Your bio kids are your responsibility, caring for sd is a courtesy and that responsibility should have never been solely expected of you or demanded. If her other bio parent or family members never cared about her, then blaming stepmum is just you being a scapegoat