Sigh

Tm's picture

So my husband has disregarded my wishes for his son to not live with us and he's here now. He hasn't been too bad but he does need constant reminders and guidance which grinds my gears because he will be 18 in about 9 months. He's been enrolled in a alternative school but has no clue how to apply for jobs online. His Dad is becoming frustrated because not only does he have to work but he has to hold his manchilds hand on top of that. He lashes out at me like I'm supposed to be doing all of this. I originally said he needs to go to Jobcorp or a similar program and Jobcorp has yet to get back to us. I did however out of the kindness of my heart set up a zoom meeting with a different program that's more like military school and they both sat and listened to what would be expected of him if he went. Well he freaked out and didn't say a word after the meeting. I told my husband he came here to change his ways he's going or I will completely stop lifting one finger for him or you. His son has been coddled and allowed to do what he wants back home but stuff doesn't go that way here and I'm tired of letting him dictate what he's going to do, he's done that for years. This is his last opportunity to get his life straightened out and the program is 5 and half months it's less time than Jobcorp so I would like to say put on your big boy panties and do something about it. He's expressed to me he knows what he needs to do but I also have to remember he's a great manipulator and he's great with words but fails when it comes to actions. I basically told him I'll believe it when I see it. He wants a car and a tattoo but without committing to this program and having a plan for your life that's not even a possibility at the moment. His Dad tries to approach him in a way where he doesn't come off abrasive but I'm sorry he had that at mommy's and it didn't work. I don't play around and I know all the tricks and manipulations. He can tell me all the things he will do and until I see it, it means nothing to me. I've already encountered his excuses for simply picking up the bathroom after he showers, he replies but but but and I just ignored it. I guess I just have low tolerance for bs. Anyway I guess this was just another rant lol. Thanks for listening.

Rags's picture

There in is the problem.  He is 17, he gets no choice and daddy and mommy need to grow a set and put him in the program with the clear message that if he fucks it up, he is out and on his own.

My dad did not get a choice after he over stepped as a teen, I did not get a choice when it was my turn to over step, and my SS did not get a choice.

Kids need their parents to set and enforce standards and when necessary, tell the kid exactly what they will do and when they will do it. At the age this kid is, he is at the key decision point in his life. For me it was after my first sophomore year of HS when my parents informed me that my second sophomore year and beyond would be at the Military School. I refused, I was handed a check for $500 and wished good luck. I was 16, did not have to continue in HS, and it was either Mil School or... I was on my own.  In a very few minutes I handed the check back and I was off to Mil School and a pretty good rest of my life.

The coddle the toxic spawn model fails just about every time and those parents that insist on it spend the rest of their lives regretting that they coddled their failed children.  Quality parents parent and can get even toxic spawn on to a decent life as a viable adult.

IMHO of course.

stepmomnorth's picture

He wants a car and a tattoo. Lol. Isn't that great. I agree with your way of handing the situation and just hope your partner has the wherewithal to follow through on his end with everything. His son needs some help and he needs to step up and get him the help whether his son feels comfortable about it or not... Because he won't feel comfortable, but that is the entire point of it all. He needs to feel some discomfort in order to get his life back on track. I don't know if dad recognizes that or just wants to coddle him.? 

Tm's picture

It's a little bit of both he says he realizes that has agreed he needs to be in something. First it was agreed he would go to Jobcorp well there's been no follow up with them and my husband has quit trying to contact them. So thats why I set up the military school interview and now it's too scary for his son and he doesn't want to go. I'm at the point now where I'm going to stay silent on the matter and hope they can figure it out. It's draining and I truly don't have the time. If he doesn't get it together he will need to figure out other arrangements though. There zero drive and it's all talk no action. I won't beg or plead I'll just watch it unfold I've done what I could.

Winterglow's picture

Or you could confront the kiddo and demand to know what is so effin' scary about growing up and going out into the real world like a normal teen of his age. Tell him that he is GOING whether he likes it or not. If either him or his father whines/objects that is your cue to go absolutely nuclear. Let both of them know that you are not, repeat NOT going to babysit him. Ask him why he isn't ashamed to need a babysitter at his age. If he protests, hand him the chore list that you prepared earlier. Continue with Rags' burning platform. Light the damn house up with your fury. Let them know that you are to be reckoned with, 

Ispofacto's picture

These skids are all helpless unless it's something they want.  If he could get free video games online you can bet your sweet bippy he'd figure out how to get them.  They're manipulative and cunning.  They require consequences.

 

Harry's picture

Of your DH,  SS will screw up the interview for JobCore.  He knows there will be work involved.  military school Is going to be expensive.  And I don't know if they will take him,  I guest you can find one who just needs the money.

The more you get involved, the worst it's going to get.  The more you do the less DH will do.  He has done nothing for 17 years so you think this is his year to start.  You must make DH do everything with SS.  SS has to be out of the house every day at 9 AM looking for a job, and stay out for 6 hours  he can make lunch and take it with him,

SS can not be sitting at home makeing plans  DH has to get him out every week day 

.

Merry's picture

Have you thought about what YOU are going to do if DH gives up on SS again and there is no Job Corps and there is no military school, and no education or prospects for a job?

Your DH probably has good intentions at the moment, but for 17 years now he's been a lazy parent. Maybe the apple doesn't fall too far from the tree . DH won't do hard things (parent) and SS won't do hard things (launch).

ndc's picture

So what happened to your H taking off work until he got the kid into Job Corps? Did he really think he was going to just waltz up and skid (who doesn't even want to go) would be immediately accepted? Or was that just the BS he fed you to get his kid into your house? Is there some time limit on his stay? Do you have a backup plan if the skid never leaves?

stepmomnorth's picture

I think if it were myself I would have a backup plan of some kind as suggested above. I would probably also have an internal time line. For example, within 6 months the following needs to occur...teen is in some sort of program getting help, etc.