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Senior year step-child events

Altogether Now's picture

So Mother's Day, yay, me. So my husband was a bit more low key than usual, and his daughter who is 18 and just about to graduate, got me a card tin which she wrote, "You're not my mom, but more like a teacher, a teacher I hate..." and goes on from there. My husband was like, "meh, she's just being honest." What a total POS, two total POS's. She says things like, "you taught me to do laundry..." which I actually didn't. Her BM died when she was 10 and when she came to live with us after that her dad, my hubby, insisted she do her own laundry. I don't know why, and I certainly never expected my own kids to do their own laundry at 10, but he insisted and he showed her how amen made sure she did it. Occasionally I would do it. Of course my husband says he doesn't remember. He loves to use that. I have never and would never expect a 10 year old to do their own laundry. 
That is just the beginning. My SD was still in bed when I opened her card and I took the dogs and trol then for a hike to get some positive time in my Mother's Day. One of my adult kids came to hang out in the afternoon which was awesome. One of my other owned lives across the country and one lives less than an hour away but never remembers or makes an effort for any special holidays unless someone else in the family reminds her. 
So my SD has a big event coming up next week, her last high school play, which is a big deal for her as drama is her thing. 
but I don't want to go now that she gave me the card on Mother's Day saying she hates me. I mean, seriously? No. I also don't want to go to her graduation in a few weeks. My husband doesn't want to talk about any of it of course. 
She is just as hostile and contemptuous towards my husband as she is to me, when he says something she doesn't twist to hear. But he just pretty much lets her be nasty, then says, "ok, have fun, be safe, love you..."

 She is definitely mentally ill, but largely self-induced. It's so fashionable. She has a huge bedroom with private bathroom, all of which she treats like a trash can. Way beyond the normal teen messiness. Leftover food and drink containers, let's her bathroom trash over I'll, dirty close stacked two feet deep, filth y toilet, sink, shower, floor. Just disgusting. 
I raised three kids so I get it, but they were never like her. She lives like she is in a homeless encampment.

Her mother was mentally ill and evil,  and had alienated her from her dad before she died. Her sister with the same bio-mom and is 10 years older, has always been hateful and disrespectful towards my husband. My husband didn't have the backbone to cut people put of her life  even though they encouraged her to disrespect him. 

But we have been polite, cordial and even close at times. But now I feel it is time to stoo pretending. I don't hate her, but I want her gone. I have no date for her move-put, other than my husband saying she doesn't want to be here and she is going to suddenly get a bunch of money from her mom's side of the family so she won't want for money.

 I think I am right to not go to her last big high school play or to her graduation. I'm sure my hubby will make a weak attempt at a guilt trip, but I don't care anymore.

And I don't think I owe her any graduation gift, but a card with truth, that she will get.
I have been here for her the last 8 years, teaching her to not be afraid to make mistakes at school as she learns, something her mom would punish her for.

 Lo and behold, she went from being years behind in grade level competence to being an honor roll student.

I'm the one who pushed her dad to enroll her in activities she was interested in, and took her to them. Her dad was too busy. I'm the one who has repeatedly encouraged her to pursue whatever dreams she has, while her sister and  mom's family tells her she can't do this, can't  do that, or has to do this or that. But I'm the bad guy, of course. 
I could never encourage anyone to be a step-parent ever. Not only for the sake of the adult but also the kid. 

SCREEEAAM!! Who's with me? Who has any I input that will help me carry on through the next couple months while she is still here?

Altogether Now's picture

Sorry for the typos in my post, hopefully anyone reading can work through them!

StepUltimate's picture

What a sick, twisted & cruel skid. I am sorry you got treated like that, and sorry her dad/your husband isn't man enough to shut that sh*t down. Damn!

Definitely do not go to or in any way acknowledge this skidmark's play, or anything else regarding her. Even further, strongly recommend NOT writing/telling her ANYTHING about how you feel - that b*tch doesn't care, and even worse - she'd get another sick thrill getting a reaction out of you. 100% ghost her and let her game be 1-player, since you are not her voodoo doll or kick-dog.

Regarding your so-called husband... almost no words. What a failure of a man. What do you see in this guy?!

Cover1W's picture

Exactly this!

I would full on be done with her. Zero help. Zero contact. She's made her feelings very clear so feel free to move on!  Do not write her back, she'd LOVE that! You would feed her drama.

And your DH tolerates this? No more discussion with him either. He wants to be treated that way, fine. But you won't be there or witness it any longer as you won't interact with her any more. If he getscall bent out of shape tell him the blunt truth, "I don't waste my time, energy, or money on people who have told me they hate me and don't care." Then you are done discussing it.

My DH is a pushover too but not as bad as yours. I straight up told him when I was done with OSD, "I have no respect for her because a b*tch is a b*ich" and pulling away from YSD, "She could care less about me and anything I try to do." He gets it.

Altogether Now's picture

Thank you for what you said. I know you are right. 
My husband and I are so aligned on everything else in life. 
we have had some good stretches even involving his kids. 
But 99.99% of our disagreements and marital strife are his kids, his lack of parenting. His tolerance for their open hostility and contempt towards him, as well as me.

I call them out on it then walk away and have just avoided her mostly to keep peace in my heart since she is so close to leaving.

He has one adult son who was never this bad and has grown up quite nicely, and we all get along very well.

His other son, 25, is much like his little sister, batshit crazy and hostile if he hears something he doesn't want to hear. Luckily he lives several states away.

AgedOut's picture

get a card, pick the one that fits w/ her then write in it "now that you're an adult and ready to move out and on I wish you a future of everything you deserve." 

Harry's picture

I can understand how you feel. If it's wasn't for you her life would be so much worst.  She so involved in her own grief, she can't see a good person doing for her.  If you don't want to go, don't let he understand you have no ties to her. That in a few month she will be living on her own.  
'no reason to be miss nice person anymore.  
'My SD is like that,  If it's wasn't for me they would be living in a car.  The bio dad came up with $25 of support total.  The clothing and stuff we put on credit cards so she had nice things went places has a childhood.  To be not talking to.  Almost makes me happy that I was not the bio father to a kid like that 

PetSpoiler's picture

She has given you a gift. You should feel free to not do anything for her ever again.  I'd tell the husband "she hates me. I don't want to ruin her day with my presence, so I will give her the gift of my absence". 

Rags's picture

Give that card to daddy and tell him to deal with his nasty spawn making sure to let him know that she is out on either HS graduation day or her 18th Bday whichever is the later.  

Time to write this shit nugget off as what it is.

Shit is shit. It is not something to hate, though neither is it something anyone wants to keep dipping their nose in. So... flush the shit and quit smelling it.  It can go float in the shallow and polluted genetic cesspool it shares with its 10 year the elder shit puddle gene pool half sib.  Sadly, DH's genes were not adequate to overcome the stench of mommy's shit puddle of genetic refuse.

IMHO of course.

notarelative's picture

Kids, who experience the death of a parent when young, regrieve the death at milestones. Mothers Day combined with graduation soon increases the regrieving. Add in an inheritance from your deceased mom. That's lots of emotion and it bled into the card comment.

I'm not saying to forget it. But, to understand all the components that may have gone into it. DH definitely needs to address it. It was unacceptable. Has SD ever gone to counseling? If she hasn't, she should. If she did, she needs to go again.


you taught me to do laundry

It was your dad, but learning how to do laundry is a good thing. It's a skill you need. 

Both my kids started doing laundry at around this age. Started with laundry rotation (aka take clothes from washer, put in dryer, start dryer) and progressed. They did their laundry and family things (towels) as needed. If laundry is abusive, my kids were abused. 

Harry's picture

Most kids have jobs in family's where both parents work.  Just to get the weekly things done, to live.  She is hurting, but at 18 she must understand what she did.  And now must move out.  Your DH now can't sit on the fence trying to be the peace maker but doing nothing.. He has to make a choice.. you or  his DD.  this is a life defining choice.  Once made it can't go back