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SD16 treats DD9 like crap and is jealous-DD9 wants her acceptance's picture

Where do I start?

Sd16 is jealous bc "dad has a new family"...I get it.

She treats my bio like shes a walking disease, won't let her touch her tells her shes gross. She's mean to her, makes rude/mean comments when fdh and I are out of earshot. We have addressed it in DD9's therapy and my own therapist on ways to deal with it etc.

When SD16 niece and nephew are around they are gross trailer trash kids- not being mean but think sick kids ALL the time snotty crusty noses filthy hands etc and SD16 picks them up, kisses their snotty face right on the mouth and loves them up. Leaves DD9 out of everything and does this right in front of DD9. If they are playing s soon as DD9 wants to join the game stops or SD16 gets up and stops playing with the kids or tells DD9 to "stop". I try to limit contact with her and DD9 but its not always possible. She's around a lot less these days but my bio is at the age where teenagers are cool and whether I like it or not I think she looks up to her.

SD16 graced us with her presence last week and we went and grilled at the lake and did some fishing off the dock. Sd16 RUINED the night for everyone, this is just one example of her shitty behavior towards everyone. DD9 "SD16 look I caught one" SD16 "the suns in my eyes I can see anything"......

DD9 has a negative attitude towards SD16 bc of how she treats her but really really wants her to like her. We have talked to both of them about this situation numerous times. SD16 wants nothing to do with her and thinks she's gross and annoying. DD9 said after the fishing night " I just want to be SD16's friend and I want her to think I'm special"

I have no time for SD16 and her behavior. FDH DID call her out on her behavior and she doesn't care. WE explained to DD9 that SD16 is rude and it's not ok to make someone feel that way and to just stay away from her (she's hardly around her at all anyway)

PISSES ME OFF! Anyone else dealt with this before?

SM with BM from hell's picture

Sorry your SD is treating your daughter like this. My SD12 doesn't directly attack my bios but its more covert. For example, when she's playing a video game and DS11 asks if he can play with her she'll suddenly not want to play calling the game "stupid" and leave the room. With the twins (8 mos) it's more like trying make sure DH doesn't pay them attention. When he gets home the babies will crawl towards him and reach up to be held, she will literally step OVER them to get to DH first. He has called her out on it but she gets angry and goes to her room.'s picture

I will say right in front of SD16 to DD9 "SD16 is crabby and we should always keep our hands to ourselves. Just leave her alone" and I get a dirty look from sd16. It takes everything I have in me to not snap on her!'s picture

I do put it on him- he plays victim as well that she's rude and he's sorry she's acting like that. He did talk to her when we were there and she turns on the tears so he backs off! UGH

It's just too bad that we can't do something together without her acting that way- this is a good experience to refer to next time FDH wants to do something like this again.

He blames jealousy, I ripped him a new one. The next day he acted as though nothing happened w Sd16- She asked him to give her a ride somewhere and for her school shopping $ :?

Hate her!

bellladonna's picture

I am 7 years older than my sister and at 16 I would rather Wal-mart clothes than hang out with my younger sister! So it could be an age difference thing.

But it could also be typical skid stuff. Everything with these skids comes down to one thing...power. This is a power play for your SD. She has found a way to annoy both you and your DD at the same time. That's a big bonus for her.

In order for you to resolve this, you have to take SD's power away. I know that our mama bear instincts kick in when it comes to our bios. Can you redirect DD's attention to a more appropriate role model? Are you involved in your church at all? Do they have any kind of youth groups? You might be able to find a good mentor for her there. Or maybe there is an older cousin or cool aunt that can spend some time with DD. Once DD finds someone else to look up to, SD will be a non factor. She will start talking about how cool Aunt Kim is and how much fun they have together, and it will drive SD crazy.

hodayusuf's picture

thank you for that response I have the same thing my sd is 16 bd is 5 and she is doing the same thing will do that from now on

sam44's picture

It's really important that you explain, on a regular basis, to your daughter that this is not about how much she deserves to be liked or loved by SD, this is purely about SD's ability to offer that love. It must be heartbreaking to watch your daughter making such an effort. I real feel for you. I wouldn't be shy about being honest with your daughter. Why pretend that SD likes her? I think it is better for you to explain all the reasons why it might be hard for SD to like her. Your daughter will probably understand this.

oldone's picture

Oh I would take SD16 down a peg or two. If she is going to be the "mean" girl at 16 then she deserves to have someone smush her little inflated ego.

Hit her below the belt with a few choice phrases.'s picture

I've been as close to slapping her, IF I say anything FDH says "C'mon guys, can't we just have fun. I don't want to argue and fight" :sick:

She doesn't even have much to say to FDH- He says he's done asking her to come to things and inviting her over. I don't believe it- he's guilty daddy but he did say it's clear she doesn't want to be around.......

She's smart enough to look like the victim and not do or say anything disrespectful to me in front of me or FDH, She turns it around on my daughter when I call her out on being a bitch to her

CantKeepDoingThis's picture

That sounds like something my DH would say. If DH doesn't put his foot down, you SD is going to continue to act this way toward DD9. SD needs to be brought down a few notches, and in this case, since it is your child she is being mean to, I say you have full authority to say something to SD. Just like you wouldn't allow a teacher or someone to down talk your child or be mean to her, SD is now in the category of any other person that your child comes into contact with, and you have the right to come to your child's defense! If DH has a problem with it, then he is playing favorites, putting his other children over the children he has with you, and that is something that I wouldn't stand for! In other words, sounds like you and DH need to sit down and have a heart-to-heart.

FML's picture

I wouldn't allow SD to be over when DD is home. Since she can't stop being a bitch she can suffer the consequences. You better believe if one child in my household behaved this way they would miss out on all the fun stuff. Not putting up with the bullying bullshit.'s picture

DD9 is always there, I NEVER allow them to be alone but these mean word exchanges are happening if I'm switching laundry or go to the bathroom! DD9 also wants her attention so she does annoy her or tease her and want to be around her. Grrrrrr.

FDH invites her along when we do fun things like fishing bc she crys that she's excluded....Hmmmmmmm I wonder why? She excludes herself, ruins everyones time, acts shitty then uses me as a scapegoat saying she "heard" me talking bad about her. She came to get her check for drivers ed, thats all she wanted. FDH wrote her check and she left with her bf. FDH wonders why I have anxiety or feel depressed when shes around. Even after a few years and I'm as disengaged as I can be, I can't stand this girl!!!

jumanji's picture

"DD9 is always there, I NEVER allow them to be alone but these mean word exchanges are happening if I'm switching laundry or go to the bathroom! DD9 also wants her attention so she does annoy her or tease her and want to be around her. Grrrrrr."

So... there are times when they ARE alone.

And YOUR daughter instigates some of the negative interactions.

I'd let them sort it out themselves. If your daughter whines about it? Tell her that maybe if she stopped being a brat... Which she IS, if she is annoying or teasing her older stepsister.

Frankly, few 16yos want to hang with a 9yo.'s picture

They aren't alone for long periods of time, I don't leave the house etc is what I meant. I can't hover over her every second but an adult is always around. Yes, my daughter does look for attention but doesn't deserve to get treated like crap, SD16 is MEAN.
Of course Sd16 doesn't want to hang with her, but we expect our kids to be nice. DD9 gts in trouble for being annoying or looking for negative attention but SD16 can be mean to a 9 year old and treat her like crap bc she doesn't want to hang with her???? NOT IN MY HOUSE

Freshstart's picture

It is one of the hardest things I have been through to watch my child believe that the rejection he gets from older step siblings he looked up to is his fault. Wow I just started crying thinking about it. He was experiencing this is two households.

Your lovely daughter is 9 and if you can help her through this she will learn and be a more resilient intelligent street smart adult. We had to get through it and it can have an upside. I promise. Big hugs.'s picture

Thank you! It's difficult to watch! But she will get through it- blending/stepfamilies is a rough/tough road Sad

hodayusuf's picture

I understand how mad you are I am here in the same situation except my bd is 5 but my sd is not always mean she gives her hugs and tells her she loves till she gets close enough and then says or does something mean for the next day and oh my husband is MIA so I learned how just pretend like she is not there this is all about power she gets a kick out of you being mad so just look at her and smile or take ur kid and do something nice for her does ur ds live with you mine is here always. I ignore her most of the time but there are instances where I tell her off. I know this sneaky but do so when husband isnt there. she can tell him but good luck proving it

The_Other_Mother's picture

Omg! :jawdrop: Seriously?! I would have a major problem on my hands and as others have said, you should take her down a peg or two. Tell her she's :exemplative: gross. Her attitude and her demeanor. If she cries or says anything... ask her how she likes it? Tell her that's how your daughter feels. I know I'm momma bear big time, but if I don't who will? Tell her that you won't stand for her acting like that to anyone let alone a blood relative, that's completely unacceptable.

EyesOfaStranger's picture

Well obviously your DH is not doing his job and if I was you I would have to stick up for my child if HE wouldn't. No way in Hell I would let her get away with that shit! Maybe try this.. Next time she quits playing a game because your D wants to play say (to your daughter loud enough for SD to hear) "oh honeyyy, she just doesn't want to play because she knows you're Better and you'll for surely winnnnn!!!" Wink wink** throw in snide comments like that but I a really sweet voice. Makes your daughter feel good and maybe puts that lil brat in her place.
Grrr... I would def put her in her place. And if your DH has something to say to you about it I would say to him (in front of everyone) "well maybe you should teach your daughter to be nice to people and stop belittling people and we wouldn't have such an issue honeyyyyy!"
Grrr-- I'm mad for you! >:(

Freshstart's picture

ps my SD17 used to do this until her dad gave her a talking to. Now she fakes liking my 5 year old if her dad is in the room. In some ways its better but in some ways its worse. At least my son is believing it for now and it probably gives him a break.

Anon2009's picture

My SDs are 18 and 16. Most people their age would rather chew rocks than include/do activities with a nine year old. That's perfectly normal.

That's fine. What isn't fine is how she treats dd. If her dad rewards it, nothing will change. You hate sd :? You can hate sd all you want, but the truth is that if dh doesn't do anything, nothing will change.

You should tell dd to back off on her behaviors that she uses to try to win over sd. It will likely never happen. It also won't encourage sd to back off from being so mean to dd. You may not like this, but her trying to be buddies with sd is an instigator for this bad behavior from sd.