SD13 and DH are Pains in My Ass
Yesterday DH texted me while we were at work. The school guidance counselor had called him and said that SD13 was having some "emotional issues." The GC had indicated that SD13 had been having suicidal thoughts. DH added that this seemed to happen around May 7th when SD13 missed the bus. Most of you know that this Skid drives me nuts, and I do care about her, but I am sick of trying to be the one to raise her. I have stepped back for some time now, hoping DH would step up, and he doesn't.
I actually left work early yesterday, got home right after SD13 did, and she was in a great mood. We go check the basement where we have set up SD19's bed and SD13 has left socks and Pokémon cards on the table. Next time, I'm going down there by myself to check on things and will just throw the shit out.
So, I try to be a team player and hang out with SD13, parenting her to wash SD19's sheets which haven't been washed since last summer. But that's OK, because she's away at college most of the time. Ew. SD13 and I are standing in the hall getting the wash ready and I ask her to open her bedroom door. The air feels GREAT in there after I discovered a few days ago that SD13 had a cardboard box full of crap placed OVER her air vent in her room. I remember her being cold at the beginning of April, and then she was OK, and then when the hot days came, she was warm while in her room. She started leaving the door open to the hallway. Skid had the vent covered for months.
As we are talking about her vent being uncovered and cooling down her room, I look past her at her hamper in the middle of the floor. I thought you told me Saturday (to my face and in front of DH) that you had folded your laundry? I get the goofy grin and let it go. I didn't say anything else about it until later with DH.
DH got home and the three of us are having a nice conversation and then DH says to SD13, "The GC called me from school today. What's going on?" SD13 starts the cutesy goofy grin again and DH tells her it's not funny. I tell her we don't know if she's "crying wolf" or not. DH adds that he knows of three people that have committed suicide and have left spouses and kids behind. He explained to DH that it is FOREVER and it is also FOREVER for the people that are left behind to grieve their loved one. SD13 kept on grinning and not taking this seriously at all. DH spoke to her more and said he was making another appointment for her to see her therapist.
The conversation moved to SD13 sharing about how some kid on the bus called her by her boy name. I asked how they knew her boy name? She said there were "rumors going around." I said to SD13, "But I thought you wanted to be called by your boy name? You went to GC and didn't even come to the meeting DH and I had with her. Then we all went to counseling and we were supposed to start trying to be gender-neutral when referring to you and move away from using your girl name and calling you 'she'? WHY do you call this a rumor?"
"Well, because I haven't told anyone yet." Sure you did, SD13. You told your BFF on the first day of school. she's written you off other than talking to you on the bus (if that) and OF COURSE she told people. She's THIRTEEN. I was trying to get this through SD13's head and trying to get her to own up to her identity that she is so hell-bent on having DH and I treat her as overnight, and that would be a boy. The Skid is clearly confused as hell. SD13 can't understand why other people just can't accept her. She has blinders on at this point. I told her that kids were going to continue to pick on her, even if she was the same little girl she was last year. I told her just about everyone gets picked on in school. That's what kids do. SD13 still didn't get it. I told her that with her changing her identity it's really a shock to most people around her. A lot of those kids have known her since she was a toddler, they all grew up together. Next topic.....
Then SD13 starts hitting DH up for a compression swim top to wear at the beach which will flatten her chest out. She has the chest of a bird, but I can understand her wanting to be flat since she now identifies as a boy. I ask her and DH how much this costs and it's about $50 plus shipping. I stated, "So you want this $50 top, we'll have to buy you some kind of swim trunks, too, all so you can wear them for three days at the beach with (crazy) Gma and (crazy) SD19? Why don't you just wear the Nike surfer shirt we have from last year? You've grown and it will be tight on you, the way you want it." My bad, the Nike shirt has flowers on it, so that's a no-no, which I can understand. I started doing the math for SD13 right there in front of DH. I said to SD13, "DH and I have been very supportive of you, we've bought you new hightop (boy) basketball shoes, we've taken you clothes shopping, but just because you identify as a boy doesn't mean it's Christmas Day 24/7 in here and you get ALL new things ALL of the time." Then DH asked me to order her swim top for her because he had to go to a meeting. I looked at him and sarcastically said in front of SD13, "I'm not your servant...." I left it to DH to handle however he chose to.
This morning I told DH how SD13 is becoming entitled. He disagreed. I shot him down and said although SD13 doesn't fully realize it yet, she is starting to try and have power over you and I, to get whatever she wants. That's what she's used to from DH, the Disney Dad. I know we have to be delicate with her emotional issues now, but DH has to remember that she is still only 13. She doesn't understand that DH would rather have a Sunday afternoon off on a holiday weekend, than take her to a Pokémon gaming convention. I said, "She doesn't know how difficult it is to commute and work all week for both of us. Next thing you know, she'll ask you for a new BOY bike because her old one has FLOWERS on it, and THAT AIN'T HAPPENING."
DH heard me loud and clear. I told him that tonight I wanted him to go to her room and see if she had folded her laundry which she LIED to me about, right to my face. I told him I wasn't going to sit by and watch him jump through hoops taking her places and buying her things when she is LYING and not doing her part. I went through the lying last summer and reminded DH that I ended up taking all of SD13's gadgets to work for 10 days. She thinks she's bored NOW? I told DH that SD13 would be an enabled monster-bitch like SD19 already is by the time she is 16 if we don't nip this in the bud. All identity issues aside, she is STILL A TEENAGER. I also threw out some consequences aka Dtzy-Style. I said if she lies again she gets a warning, .....Again? A day without electronics. Again? A week without. Again? Houston, we have a PROBLEM. DH heard me loud and clear. This was at 5am this morning.
SD13 spent the rest of the conversation last night whining to DH that she can't go anywhere and it's not her fault that she has no friends. We both tried to let her know that this was normal for a teenager at her age to feel this way, because they don't have a driver's license yet, and that she has to be patient. I especially let her know this because she thinks DH will just jump and take her everywhere.
So, tonight DH will look in her room to see if the laundry has been folded and hopefully use it as an example. I told DH I didn't see it as reasonable for her not to do her part and then she just asks for a new pricey bathing suit and trips to Pokémon world. She needs to do her part, too, and earn it.
I can't stand parenting my DH but everyone is cuckoo and we have to be careful with SD13. Just in case. Sigh.