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SD13 and DH are Pains in My Ass

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

Yesterday DH texted me while we were at work. The school guidance counselor had called him and said that SD13 was having some "emotional issues." The GC had indicated that SD13 had been having suicidal thoughts. DH added that this seemed to happen around May 7th when SD13 missed the bus. Most of you know that this Skid drives me nuts, and I do care about her, but I am sick of trying to be the one to raise her. I have stepped back for some time now, hoping DH would step up, and he doesn't.

I actually left work early yesterday, got home right after SD13 did, and she was in a great mood. We go check the basement where we have set up SD19's bed and SD13 has left socks and Pokémon cards on the table. Next time, I'm going down there by myself to check on things and will just throw the shit out.

So, I try to be a team player and hang out with SD13, parenting her to wash SD19's sheets which haven't been washed since last summer. But that's OK, because she's away at college most of the time. Ew. SD13 and I are standing in the hall getting the wash ready and I ask her to open her bedroom door. The air feels GREAT in there after I discovered a few days ago that SD13 had a cardboard box full of crap placed OVER her air vent in her room. I remember her being cold at the beginning of April, and then she was OK, and then when the hot days came, she was warm while in her room. She started leaving the door open to the hallway. Skid had the vent covered for months.

As we are talking about her vent being uncovered and cooling down her room, I look past her at her hamper in the middle of the floor. I thought you told me Saturday (to my face and in front of DH) that you had folded your laundry? I get the goofy grin and let it go. I didn't say anything else about it until later with DH.

DH got home and the three of us are having a nice conversation and then DH says to SD13, "The GC called me from school today. What's going on?" SD13 starts the cutesy goofy grin again and DH tells her it's not funny. I tell her we don't know if she's "crying wolf" or not. DH adds that he knows of three people that have committed suicide and have left spouses and kids behind. He explained to DH that it is FOREVER and it is also FOREVER for the people that are left behind to grieve their loved one. SD13 kept on grinning and not taking this seriously at all. DH spoke to her more and said he was making another appointment for her to see her therapist.

The conversation moved to SD13 sharing about how some kid on the bus called her by her boy name. I asked how they knew her boy name? She said there were "rumors going around." I said to SD13, "But I thought you wanted to be called by your boy name? You went to GC and didn't even come to the meeting DH and I had with her. Then we all went to counseling and we were supposed to start trying to be gender-neutral when referring to you and move away from using your girl name and calling you 'she'? WHY do you call this a rumor?"

"Well, because I haven't told anyone yet." Sure you did, SD13. You told your BFF on the first day of school. she's written you off other than talking to you on the bus (if that) and OF COURSE she told people. She's THIRTEEN. I was trying to get this through SD13's head and trying to get her to own up to her identity that she is so hell-bent on having DH and I treat her as overnight, and that would be a boy. The Skid is clearly confused as hell. SD13 can't understand why other people just can't accept her. She has blinders on at this point. I told her that kids were going to continue to pick on her, even if she was the same little girl she was last year. I told her just about everyone gets picked on in school. That's what kids do. SD13 still didn't get it. I told her that with her changing her identity it's really a shock to most people around her. A lot of those kids have known her since she was a toddler, they all grew up together. Next topic.....

Then SD13 starts hitting DH up for a compression swim top to wear at the beach which will flatten her chest out. She has the chest of a bird, but I can understand her wanting to be flat since she now identifies as a boy. I ask her and DH how much this costs and it's about $50 plus shipping. I stated, "So you want this $50 top, we'll have to buy you some kind of swim trunks, too, all so you can wear them for three days at the beach with (crazy) Gma and (crazy) SD19? Why don't you just wear the Nike surfer shirt we have from last year? You've grown and it will be tight on you, the way you want it." My bad, the Nike shirt has flowers on it, so that's a no-no, which I can understand. I started doing the math for SD13 right there in front of DH. I said to SD13, "DH and I have been very supportive of you, we've bought you new hightop (boy) basketball shoes, we've taken you clothes shopping, but just because you identify as a boy doesn't mean it's Christmas Day 24/7 in here and you get ALL new things ALL of the time." Then DH asked me to order her swim top for her because he had to go to a meeting. I looked at him and sarcastically said in front of SD13, "I'm not your servant...." I left it to DH to handle however he chose to.

This morning I told DH how SD13 is becoming entitled. He disagreed. I shot him down and said although SD13 doesn't fully realize it yet, she is starting to try and have power over you and I, to get whatever she wants. That's what she's used to from DH, the Disney Dad. I know we have to be delicate with her emotional issues now, but DH has to remember that she is still only 13. She doesn't understand that DH would rather have a Sunday afternoon off on a holiday weekend, than take her to a Pokémon gaming convention. I said, "She doesn't know how difficult it is to commute and work all week for both of us. Next thing you know, she'll ask you for a new BOY bike because her old one has FLOWERS on it, and THAT AIN'T HAPPENING."

DH heard me loud and clear. I told him that tonight I wanted him to go to her room and see if she had folded her laundry which she LIED to me about, right to my face. I told him I wasn't going to sit by and watch him jump through hoops taking her places and buying her things when she is LYING and not doing her part. I went through the lying last summer and reminded DH that I ended up taking all of SD13's gadgets to work for 10 days. She thinks she's bored NOW? I told DH that SD13 would be an enabled monster-bitch like SD19 already is by the time she is 16 if we don't nip this in the bud. All identity issues aside, she is STILL A TEENAGER. I also threw out some consequences aka Dtzy-Style. I said if she lies again she gets a warning, .....Again? A day without electronics. Again? A week without. Again? Houston, we have a PROBLEM. DH heard me loud and clear. This was at 5am this morning.

SD13 spent the rest of the conversation last night whining to DH that she can't go anywhere and it's not her fault that she has no friends. We both tried to let her know that this was normal for a teenager at her age to feel this way, because they don't have a driver's license yet, and that she has to be patient. I especially let her know this because she thinks DH will just jump and take her everywhere.

So, tonight DH will look in her room to see if the laundry has been folded and hopefully use it as an example. I told DH I didn't see it as reasonable for her not to do her part and then she just asks for a new pricey bathing suit and trips to Pokémon world. She needs to do her part, too, and earn it.

I can't stand parenting my DH but everyone is cuckoo and we have to be careful with SD13. Just in case. Sigh.

~ Moon

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

Nice to see you, GF! You haven't been around much in my time of need! LOL I hope you're OK, too!

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

SD13 has a therapist that specializes in transgender and adolescent issues, so she's perfect in that way. Grief counseling....not so much. I wonder, but even though I've done other searches, they all come back to this same therapist that we have her with.

~ Moon

CantKeepDoingThis's picture

SD13 is sure a case! I behind you 100% for calling out the entitlement crap. Like you said, just because she wants to identify as a boy, does not mean it is 24/7 new stuff! I would guess she would be wearing a shirt, anyway...because she, like other "boys", can't just go topless, and wearing a bathing suit top is still a bit girly. $50 compression top? Seriously? Shoot...if you buy her an Old Navy sports bra a bit too small, that will do the same thing for her! Trust me...I don't have much of a chest, and DH is always complaining how my sports bras totally flatten me!

I'm guessing SD13 saw this compression bra on the internet, and thought it a great idea! Seems she spends a lot of time on the internet, and she is getting all kinds of ideas about how to manipulate everyone. Going to the guidance counselor about suicidal thoughts? Yeah, it is hard to tell if she is crying wolf or not, but I can tell you there are all kinds of places on the web where teens are gathering and talking about things like wanting to commit suicide, cut, and other depressing things...talking about how TERRIBLE their lives are with their TERRIBLE parents! HHB went through a cutting phase around 12/13, and was chatting in these kinds of the groups at the time. Seems it was cool to cut, take pictures, and post...and of course, these other teens gave HHB all the attention and validation she was craving! These groups are seriously scary! If there is some way, I would definitely find a way to track SD13 on the internet, and see what kind of crap she is looking at! She may not be in any of these groups, but if she is, you will know where she is getting some of these ideas from! If she is browsing the web looking for transgender stuff, chances are pretty high that she has already come across one of these groups. There are LOTS of emo teens in the LGBT community...more than people realize. I'm not saying that all emos are LGBT, just that there are many who identify as such. I would also be willing to say that there is probably a lot of talk among LGBT teens on the internet about wanting to just end it all and such because "people just don't understand". Seriously, DH needs to start monitoring that girl's internet usage. Personally, I don't think a 13-year-old should have unsupervised internet use, anyway...but that is a battle I already tried to fight with DH when HHB had unsupervised use at an age way earlier than my bios did! My bios didn't have unsupervised use until 16...even then, BD24 used a desktop computer that I made it clear I could break into at any time and see her usage. BD24 never had a smartphone, and BS20 didn't get a smartphone until he was 17. HHB didn't have a smartphone until this last year...but still, 15 I think is too young for a smartphone (which is when she got one). I still refuse to put her on data, but she connects her phone to wifi. She has had laptops and tablets since she was 12, thanks to her unsupervised internet use! I find it NO COINCIDENCE that this is when the real troubles with HHB started! Yes, she was always entitled and snooty, but the drinking, pot, cutting, eating disorder crap, talking to older guys, etc. all started when she was given unsupervised access to the internet!

If you do some research on the web, you could find things to spy on her internet use. If she has an iPhone, there are apps that you can install on her phone that she will not even know is there, and you can log into a web site or something to see what she has been doing on her phone. I'm sure it may also work with iPads. May help get some insight into the weirdness.

furkidsforme's picture

I simply cannot believe that a child of 13 who is advanced enough developmentally and mentally to recognize (or claim to recognize) that she has gender identity issues is incapable of:
#1- recognizing that kids at school with ostracize her when she starts to live as he
#2- realizing that no friend of 13 will keep a secret that juicy

And those are the reasons that I hold a sneaky little suspicion in the back of my mind that your SD is attention seeking with this gender identity stuff. But I think you are doing GREAT, and deserve an award.

But, full disclosure I am also the stepmom of the past teen lesbian (now 24 and straight as an arrow) and the current SS17 who identifies as "bi-romantic but asexual". He claims he has romantic attractions to both males and females, but sexual attraction to neither; and he prefers to "date" transgendered boys who live as girls who he meets online but doesn't actually know.

So I take it all with a grain of salt. "Whatev's, just don't get knocked up" is my motto.

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

So I checked our bank account yesterday and there was a charge for $52.00. Looks like DH went and ordered the compression swim top for SD13. THAT along with boy trunks that are waaaaay to big for her should be a sight at the beach in a month. I wonder if she'll get caught in a wave and lose her trunks? Come up bare-assed in the surf?

SD13 is NOT right. But yesterday she told me started her cycle. That's a good girl, SD13. I told her she could use the bladder incontinence pads that we ordered for SDog if she runs out of her own. I gave her one and she put it in her pocket. We have spent a lot of $$$ on SDog trying to find thick pads for his belly bands. We have a lot that just don't cut it with dog urine, so I told SD13 that she and SD19 could use them when it's that time of the month! They might work! LOL WHOOPS BOO!!! Blum 3

~ Moon

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

Unrolled in her trashcan without a bag in the can. SD13 will leave her bathroom door open and the dogs will, know.

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

No, she started a year ago, but recently told me "it's been awhile since her last cycle. Like since last month." I keep telling her it's once a month but she can't remember THAT. I asked her to let me know when the next time was. SD13 has her own pads, and the SDog pads are THIN. Good for her, bad for SDog urine, good for my wallet, because we have a CASE of them! Close to 100! SDog kept leaking.

C'mon, my life is F'ed but I still have a heart lol! I am frugal. Blum 3

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

I don't worry too much about the SDog. I just make sure that I order the pads for his belly bands. If he's not around at feeding time in the evening, I am still kind enough to tell SD13 that he didn't eat. Then she springs into action. He used to be fed 1x/day before he moved in with us, so missing dinner is no big deal. Curly, Moe and Larry know that he MUST have a diaper on at all times, and I don't change his diaper. SD13 does that when she gets home. DH puts in on in the morning. No touchy.

The swimsuit is on it's way. Whatever. We get money for SD13 every month until she is 18. I hope she enjoys it, because she is done growing, so that will be the ONLY swimsuit purchase we make for her as long as I'm around. I've already told her that she is DONE growing, she will NOT be getting new clothes every month, and that she needs to TAKE CARE of what she has.

~ Moon

ChiefGrownup's picture

100% agree this kid is using the transgender thing to cope with life. It is not her actual problem. She does not act like a true transgender case in anyway. It is 100% a way to be "special," to be "fragile," to get pseudo "mothering" from people like the GC and who knows who else. Most of all to knock dad off his feet and be in control of him.

I would have told her no on the "compression" thing. Damn! This is not good for your little growing body. Smashing organs is never a good idea, it's why ladies got sick and fainty from corsets and we don't have to wear them for real any more. Does dad have any understanding whatsoever of anatomy?

It's not her fault she doesn't have friends? Oh? Whose fault is it then? I would have been all over that. You get friends by BEING a friend. Random people don't flock to you for no reason. I would say you want friends I will teach you some social skills. The first one is quit moping about thinking you're the only important person around. We are teaching my autistic ss13 to tell jokes, to ask people about their day, to say please and thank you, to be pleasant, to be concerned about the feelings of others. If he can learn, she can, too.

I would tell her when she's an adult and her body is strong and healthy and fully formed she can make adult decisions about it. For now, she needs to cope with life as it IS -- like everybody else has to. I really think if her dad found a way to disable this ridiculous weapon she's developed her real issues and emotions would be laid bare and then real progress would be made.

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

Chief, have I told you lately that I love you?......LOL This is exactly what I tell DH! Just two weeks ago SD13 let it be known that she didn't run track in gym. DH asked her why not and she said because of her ribs being off-center (which is true, by about an inch) and it makes it harder for her to breathe. We both called bullshit on it and told her to mother F-ing RUN the next time she has gym, and not just stand there holding the stopwatch with Coach.

So, when SD13 asked for the compression top the other night, the FIRST thing I asked was HOW was she going to be able to breathe in that tight top if her ribs are off-center and it compromises her LUNGS?!?!?!

::crickets:: from SD13 on that one, and DH ordered the top anyway. Someone will probably steal that, too, just like they did her $50 Under Armour boy shorts.

Oh don't even get me started.

And..........DH texted me today saying, "You should say hello to SD19. She's been home for two days and you haven't said anything to her yet."

I replied that was because she was on college time and I got up at 430am. I'm sure SD19 is feeling "unloved" because I haven't acknowledged her presence. There is a hedgehog in my home and I have NO reason to acknowledge SD19 and give her any ammo to use against me. }:)

Crazy bitch. Get some therapy. The rest of the family is, for goodness sake!

~ Moon

ChiefGrownup's picture

WTF is wrong with your dh? How the hell did he think this was going to go down? Hey, DH, why isn't your damn daughter crawling on her hands and knees begging my forgiveness and promising me a great fracking tall stack of favors and acts of penance to make up for me not killing her in her in her sleep? Why the hell is your DH not groveling and doing innumerable acts of penance to make up for his colossal f-up?

Instead, he's trying to make YOU feel guilty? ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME??!!! I don't think I've ever been so angry on your behalf yet!

Moon, listen to me. This is not how real relationships work. I'm sure he has some great qualities but he needs achoolin' toot sweet. He sounds like a guy who's gone far all his life on charm. Little smile, come on, baby, do it for me, ah, come on, little fella, Colgate twinkle. Noooooooooo. This is NOT on you to roll out some kind of emotional red carpet for Our Lady of the Rodents. This is on those two to make it up to you!!! 100 percent!

Plus, thank you, dahling!

ChiefGrownup's picture

Plus, crushed lung girl gets a vice-grip top to wear. Oh, perfect. Your dh doesn't want to lead or guide this kid in anyway. "Whatever you want, my princess-uh, just my little 'prince!'" is his parenting philosophy. I'm surprised he didn't let them jump off roofs when they wanted to fly at 4 or drink that enticing bottle of pink sink cleaner when they were 2.

BTW, what's wrong with a big T shirt and cutoff shorts at the beach? All this fancy need for new clothes sounds like a GIRL!!!!!

Redredwine's picture

Perhaps she can just text back to DH:
"I live by the old adage: if you can't say anything nice, then don't say anything at all. If you don't agree with that, I'll let 'er rip with SD19. But just remember, you're the one who set me loose."

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

Gosh, I don't know which I like better! I use "nutbag" all of the time, but nutBURGER is a good one!

I think we should vote on a nickname for SD19:


I may just have to use BOTH. Oh and I'm home and I MISSED her again! Damn, I'm so forlorn. Sad

Yeah, RIGHT! Blum 3

~ Moon

Aeron's picture

Wow... Say hello to her? I think my only response to that would have been "No." Does he have a traumatic brain injury? Wtf.

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

I've already marked my calendar at work, counting down the days. Wednesday was day #37. This time last year my calenday had a #100 on it. That shit was rough. SD19 really has no plans to work at her fast food job during June while she is home. That means she'll just be sitting around the house, and it had better be in the basement. When I see her, which may be today for the first time since January, I am going to put on my clown face and be all smiles. You like the space down here in the basement? It's cooler and more comfortable....You have your own bathroom.
Second thought, I don't even want to see what my basement looks like now. DH doesn't even want to move her nightstand down there because she'll just pile more shit on it. That's ok, when she goes to the beach at the end of June I will go throw out all of her shit that she has laying around. Maybe...... }:)

~ Moon