SD not talking to her dad
Hello. This is my first post so thank you for reading. I guess its just a bit of a rant really (and a long one) but sometimes you just need to let it out and I've never really had a way of doing that until I doscovered this forum today.
I have been with my husband coming up for 9 years (married for 4) and his daughter was 9 when we met so soon to be 18. I've never been interested in children so I did find it hard at first to form a bond. However, she was actually a nice little girl so we developed a decent. friendly relationship.
My husband had to fight tooth and nail to keep seeing his daughter as his ex and her new husband (they are now divorced) made life really difficult for him but he did everything right and had a great relationship with his daughter.
Fast forward to now, at the time when his daughter is totally free to make her own choices and see him whenever she wants, she has cut her dad out. He has done everything he can for her; helped her get into college by helping her with her application, paid for her transport to college and her part time job, so far paid for a year's worth of driving lessons and offered to provide a wee car when she passes her test so she has more freedom, given her money, paid for her clothes, tried to give her advice (which she never wants to hear). Yet, she was barely picking up the phone to him unless it was to ask for the money for her travel or driving lesson money. It was taking her days to answer texts and never has she phoned to ask how he was or what he was up to. This was really getting him down as you can imagine.
I kept saying she's just a typical teenager, being selfish and only thinking of herself and it will hopefully get better. However, its hard for him. She lives with her mum quite a distance away and with her college and part time job and boyfriend she can never seem to find the time for him - not even time on the phone which is permanently glued to her hand! We haven't seen her in 6 weeks and it would have been longer but we took her for dinner to give her presents after our holiday. It was 8 weeks before that.
Two weeks ago my husband finally had enough. He had texted his daughter to ask if she would like to go for dinner with us that Sunday and her reply (after 3 days) was that she was working that day (4 hours) and would be too tired and stressed! He was so upset and ended up texting her and saying that he felt that all she cared about was getting money from him and that he was fed up feeling like a bank and that the only time she ever contacted him was when she needed money. Silence from the daughter but then an email came in from the ex, basically saying that daughter was stressed with college and work and life in general and she was just busy and that he had to give her a break!
As you can imagine that was like a red rag to a bull and she received quite a pointed response. His daughter knows exactly what her mother put her dad through and to have her contact him was the last straw.
Husband is now refusing to contact his daughter and is waiting on her contacting him. However, she is as stubborn as her father and as manipulative as her mother so I honestly don't think she will get in touch and the longer it goes on, she will find it harder to get in touch (even if she wants to).
He says he doesn't care (which I know is a total lie) and that I haven't to get involved (I have been known to phone and remind her about birthdays, etc). I haven't so far as I'm really angry with her too. However, I know that as time passes and she hasn't gotten in touch, it will start to eat away at him and I don't want to see him upset or depressed.
Not really sure what to do and not sure there's any advice anyone can give but at least it's good to get it off my chest 
I'm bouncing between this
I'm bouncing between this being an overreaction by your DH and SD purposefully excluding him. It's likely a combination of both.
When he wants to have dinner with her, does he go to her? Does he only offer weekends? Does he include the BF? Does he ever text/call her and just say "hey kiddo, hope you're doing well and know that I love you" or is it always to figure out a time when he gets to see her next?
She likely is busy and he is likely a low priority because of his distance and direct impact on her life on a day to day basis. She likely is stressed with school and work and social obligations. She has hit an age where she realizes she has ALL the freedom but mounting responsibility that limits that freedom. That's a rough thing for many young adults to adjust to, but given that she goes to college and works, I'd say she is trying.
Where SD is wrong is in not appreciating everything her das is doing for her and realizing that he needs to be a higher priority. Not the top priority, but she needs to at least text him back to say "thanks, love you too".
I think the better solution to this would have been for DH to have asked when she was free because he wanted to see her and needed to talk to her about her lessons, etc. Then, he could have found time to have this heart-to-heart with her in person. It may have taken a month, but at least then they could have conversed about the situation so that he could have figured out his next step. Is she being ungrateful or just legitimately stressed and not handling it well? Is she just using him for money? Does she still feel like she is in a loyalty bind with her mother?
Your DH is shooting himself in the foot. He's eventually going to want to talk to his daughter again, but he just gave her ammo to not speak to him. If she is stubborn, then pulling money away isn't going to make her come around; it'll just solidify whatever image she has in her head of who her dad was in the instance that he sent that text.
I'm not saying give SD abundant opportunities to hurt him. I'm saying he went full nuclear too soon.
Hi and thanks for your reply.
Hi and thanks for your reply.
Re dinner, he always goes to her and its not always weekends. He actually works near her college/work so offers to meet after college/work even for a coffee - it's happened once in 2 years. Her boyfriend is included when she is asked for dinner or even to come to stay overnight, so I don't think this is an issue. More often than not he is texting to ask how her day is, what she's been up to, etc. She'll maybe respond after 3 or 4 days or not at all.
She definitely doesn't see her dad as a priority at all. Distance is a factor but can't be helped. I understand what you say about withholding money however I also don't agree with him continuing to fund her when she won't even speak to him.
I can't disagree that he shouldn't have sent her the text but I guess a year of being pretty much ignored and used as an ATM eventually got to him. He has tried and continues to try so hard to stay in her life, its heartbreaking to see this all unravel.
Counter-rejecting a kid like
Counter-rejecting a kid like this (who has been alienated by BM for years, it sound like) is the wrong approach. But I would not continue to fund any extras (car etc). He should reach out periodically and keep the lines of communication open but don't chase her or reject her (or try to buy her love). My guess is that now that she's with BM full- time the alienation is hard for her to resist (as opposed to when she was coming over and could have a good relationship with DH without BM knowing).
I think the BM is encouraging her to keep her dad at a distance. It's something she will take great pleasure in unfortunately.
My SS was fully alienated for
My SS was fully alienated for over 3 years - very little to no contact with DH. When he was visiting, he'd be fine with us and had a good relationship with DH. But whenever he was at BM's, he'd reject DH and distance himself. Your DH needs to understand what she's dealing with and why she's acting that way. Don't buy her love - but don't reject her, either.
Whatever you do don't get
Whatever you do don't get involved by contacting her in any capacity...not to remind her for birthdays or to give her a piece of your mind. Yes you and H are angry but now is the time to step back and let things be. He should reach out every now and than to see how she's doing and pretty much just leave things in her court. I also wouldn't do "extras" for her and should she reach out for (ATM purposes) I'd take that opportunity to tell her how I feel and address what's going on.
If she's been alienated which I'm assuming she has been, it's pretty difficult to deal with and the cards are stacked up against your H. He just has to remember to place his health and mental well-being first in order to maintain a clear head.
Thank you for this and I think you are right, we should take a step back and leave things for now.
I don't believe that she's been alienated. My husband, rightly or wrongly, texted her to tell her how her actions were making him feel and she hasn't been in touch since.
She's been alienated from DH
She's been alienated from DH by BM, is what she means.
I’m not sure it counts as
I’m not sure it counts as counter rejection if someone doesn’t want to be bothered.
Sometimes it doesn’t do any harm to leave them alone for a bit for them to ponder stuff.
It will be a more equal relationship if she initiated contact and they ‘negotiated’ times to see each other rather than one person calling the shots.
As a grown up she should be working towards this more mature level of thinking anyway.
I agree, she's definitely not been rejected by her dad. I just don't think she liked hearing some home truths and is now annoyed and has decided to stop contact. Although he has dug his heels in and, where he would normally continue to text and try to initiate contact, hasn't.
My husband would love nothing more than for her to contact him and actually ask to see him - it would make his year! Not happened yet and even more unlikely to happen now.
She does very much want to be treated like an adult but at the same time, situations like this show just how immature she still is.
Not initiating contact IS
Not initiating contact IS counter-rejection. Now he's in a stand-off to see who contacts who first, which isn't the best way to deal with it.
Did you mean college as in
Did you mean college as in sixth form in the uk or university? My son has been away at uni since September and I haven’t seen him for nearly four months. We speak occasionally, but he’s happy having fun, I don’t think of it as being low priority. It’s just ‘life stages’.
She's at a further education college studying for a HND. I could understand if she was living away at university, we would only see her at holidays or special occasions, but she's not and and is regularly in the same area for work/college as her dad, so doesn't have that excuse.