SD is coming to our house Sunday
Well it has been just short of 7 months since I have seen SD. But as I mentioned she has started being receptive to DH ( they went to dinner last week) and she seemed to be interested in being around US and not just him. I know their relationship will never be honest, he knows his daughter isn't open or honest with him but he will take the "fake-everything is great" mood from her over the screaming and fighting.
Anyways, this coming Sunday is DH's son's 24th bday and we are having him over for dinner, so DH also asked SD if she wanted to come over for dinner and she agreed.
I am a nervous wreck, it's been 7 months, the last time I saw her it wasn't good and I am able to act like all is good and she is accepted but the last year has been exceptionally tough for all of us. It's like we have to pretend none of the bad shit happened in all this time that she didn't call me a Crazy "See you next tuesday" that she didn't state she didnt understand how her father could be with someone who would treat his kid that way (what way kid? After she threw in my face that she hated me, I ruined her life and changed her dad (so he isnt her and BM's mat to walk all over anymore).
She has since been dx with Borderline PD. Which I called months ago when everyone is saying she has depression and anxiety and I am like NEITHER of those present the same way as a personality disorder. At least now BM sees this too but of course she now just blames all of the problems on her DX and not the fact that she is a shitty parent with NPD herself who has been destroying her daughter for as long as he has been alive.
Any words of advice how to not be such a nervous mess (high functioning anxiety is my life) I am thankful that his son will be here because that takes the attention away from the fact that we havent seen each other in 7 months, I am sure SD who also have significant anxiety is also a bit nervous about seeing me, I am not her parent and there isn't unconditional love and familiarlty to fall back on.
Do you take any kind of
Do you take any kind of medication for anxiety or panic attacks? Medications work differently for everyone, so some take half of a pill to "take the edge off" of their nerves without feeling sleepy (some meds do that).
Treat SD like a coworker you don't like: be polite and don't divulge your personal feelings. You can do it! xo
Of course BM sends a text
Of course BM sends a text saying "you know that you two didn't do anything for SD bday and she is still very hurt by that and your mother didn't take her shopping like she normally does" and I said fuck playing nice...be honest so he responded with "I asked SD about her bday for weeks, she then refused stating she didn't want to see me and she hurt my mother with her actions, she just doesn't get to treat people with disrespect and get rewarded for it"
Golf clap!
Well played DH. Well played.
Golf clap!
Of course she came back with
Of course she came back with a list of reasons we were at fault and that SD is a new person now and she spent the last 6 months working with her to take owenership of her actions...blah blah blah... BM lives in fantasy world, its so hard just to not respond sometimes.
Understand SD is sick
I would try to keep peace for the few hours she there. Knowing this is just a ploy on SD part. It's Christmas time. And SD needs a new AMT
I would go one of two ways
I would go one of two ways for the weekend. One option is to skip the meal on Sunday. Have a sudden family/work/friend emergency that you have to attend.
Or...kind of in the opposite vein I might see if I could see sd for a very short amount of time in neutral territory before Sunday so that I could get over the initial nerves about the awkwardness of it all and could feel a little less anxious at the birthday meal. Maybe meet for a coffee and perhaps directly address the past and how you want things to work moving forwards, take your husband with you if you think that would help. If that meeting goes awfully then you could either cancel the meal or have an ‘emergency’ to attend.
...a third option could be to host the birthday meal in a restaurant. Maybe sd will be a bit better behaved in public? Plus you can always leave and go home if it is in a restaurant.
Ooooo, I like the restaurant
Ooooo, I like the restaurant idea!
Maybe we can do that instead.
Maybe we can do that instead... We Will see
Prior to inviting SD we
Prior to inviting SD we already made plans for me to cook for his sons b-day which means I am cooking and we are at home.. It's okay I imagine it will be 1-2 hours max with both of them, his son most likely has plans as its one of his one days off.
Can you set up a time limit?
Can you set up a time limit? If SD behaves badly, your DH needs to take her to another area of the house and parent her. Or take her for a drive. Something...
I felt just like you do when
I felt just like you do when SS started coming over again. It was really hard to not be anxious, and to just move forward without addressing any of the stuff that happened.
After the first time we saw him, I told DH that I didn't want to be around him at all for a while, and DH respected that. I was so anxious and angry at him then. DH just saw him without me. Gradually, I began to soften and now I'm able to have him around with no problem.
Take care of yourself, you don't have to be there (or not the whole time at least).
I had terrible anxiety last
I had terrible anxiety last week before Thanksgiving dinner. We have not spent much time at all with SD16 since she moved out in March, but the ground seemed to be thawing and I was psyching myself up to put the past behind and work on being opening and welcoming when she does come around. Until she sent a text to DH the weekend before saying she had sworn she wasn't ever going to celebrate Thanksgiving with him again. That brought up all the old feelings of uncertainty.....will she come or won't she....what kind of mood will she be in. Will we inadvertantly do something that makes her mad that will be thrown back at us later....I was not going to admit how nervous I was feeling, but I kept making stupid mistakes while making dinner and I know anxiety was messing with me....
But she did come....and we truly had a wonderful evening. All our kids were there with their sweethearts, we ate together and laughed and talked and it felt good. She even hugged me before she left and I almost fell over. My husband was so happy, and it is a great memory that we wouldn't have had if I chose not to participate.
I don't trust that everything is going to be fine now, but I am working on changing my perspective and not letting the sour things affect me so deeply. Not having her around much helps with that, not that I wish her away, but it takes pressure off of all of us. And it is a relief to have made it through that first dinner with all of us. She will always be my husband's daughter, and I feel better trying to be open than I did when I was avoiding her. That's just me though, it is hard no matter what and I feel for you. Whatever you decide, I hope everything goes smoothly!
Yes, at first, my SS did a
Yes, at first, my SS did a back and forth, in-and-out of our lives thing, which I've read is typical of alienated kids. At first, I would assume he was messing with DH like BM always did when he would stop responding, etc, but gradually I was able to see it all in a different, more positive light. I think it was hard for SS to be around us, too, and he was tentative.
15 months or so later, it's all much more pleasant, and we too had a nice Thanksgiving with him.
As I may have mentioned prior
As I may have mentioned prior I imagine that my SD has just as much anxiety about seeing me after not seeing me for so long. I try to remember that. She has a lot of social and general anxiety and has many times decided NOT to participate in things just because of that.
Thank you for sharing your
Thank you for sharing your story it helps. I sent texts to my mom, sister and best friend about my anxiety and they didn't totally understand it. My mother while she was a stepmother it was a different time and place and my Stepdad had full custody of his kids from the time they were small and they never really had interest in their mother, so she had it easier and it was in the days where stepparents were PARENTS, there was no treading lightly, they disciplined, they were not ever on the sidelines.
I hate that my anxiety is this elevated right now, it's the holidays and this time of year hasn't generally been a time I look forward to and adding one more thing into the mix feels like it is the tipping point.
I know how important this is for DH, nothing in the world makes him happier than seeing his kids and when the rare times in the last couple years he gets time with them both at the same time, I know this is what he lives for even if his daughter is difficult at this time. Which I am sure adds to my anxiety.
I am trying to work thru this, trust me I have never sat comfortably in my anxiety, I try to get to the bottom of the issue at hand. My old therapist use to ask me often: "What are the facts?" the facts seem to be right now that from my understanding SD is trying to improve, that she is doing better in her therapy school, she is on a medication that is finally working for her, she seemed interested in spending time with us (not just DH).
BREATHE....
Well-
Well-
DH's son text him 25 minutes before he was suppose to be at our house asking if we could move dinner to 7pm, he was currently in Boston with friends an hour away. Of course it took a lot of work for us to plan for when SD was gonna come over and here he was changing it up. So they exchanged a few texts and the end result was his son saying "It's be a rough week, I cannot do this right now" as we were then watching all the fun he was having with friends. I felt so bad for DH, he just wanted to celebrate his son's b-day with him and he (we- since I was making him a special dinner) got blown off.
But SD14 still came over, it wasn't bad. After the first few minutes where I felt awkward and was unable to look her the eyes things started to be okay. It's hard because I don't trust her but she sure seemed to be in a positive outlook unlike before. She spoke about how she has screwed up in school, how she has a hard time not paying attention to the couple boys in her class that cause her to react. The classrooms in the school (therapy school) are small she only has 6 kids in her homeroom.
Maybe a proper DX and the support she needs are ACTUALLY working. But then again I am not all that trusting that this is all on the upswing. Truth is I missed talking to her, I have never hated her I just was so hurt the direction things went, the months leading up to her not being in our home were HARD (to put it mildly) and the last 7 months have been really hard too. She gets her "condition" and she seems thankful that she is in a place where she can learn the way she needs to learn. Her grades are up, she is earning "Fake Cash" by having high points on more days than not now she she gets to use in the school store or to "buy" her ability to have her phone for the class and listen to music and other privileges that she has to earn (this is a first for her, she has never had to work for anything)
I am feeling better today and I would actually like more time with her. She asked about what was going on with her brother (the arrest and such) but she didn't appear to know too much and we decided it was best for her not to know all the details about this, especially since it would go right back to BM (because I will never trust her)